June 17, eight years ago

 

Baseball season was officially over last week.  Luke was throwing an end of the year party at his rich new girlfriend’s house in River Oaks.  It was going to be one of those theme parties, a Hawaiian Luau, complete with dressing up, roasted pig and fruity drinks.  Yeah, real baseball stuff.  I really didn’t want to go.  I hated theme parties.  They were always stupid.  Plus, after St. Patrick’s Day, I didn’t want to ever drink again. 

Etta and Beth were excited about it.  They went shopping yesterday and bought everyone Hawaiian shirts and leis.  That sealed the deal for me.  No way was I going.

The party was due to start at seven and go well into the night.  At 6:55 p.m., Chris sat in the chair next to the couch as he waited for Beth and Etta to finish getting ready in her room. 

“Are you really sick?” he asked me. 

“Yeah,” I lied.  “My stomach’s been bothering me all day.  I went to the movies with Etta last night.  I had nachos, but I think the cheese was bad or something.”  He studied my face, so I looked away.  “Plus, if I go and feel worse there, all of you would have to leave.  I can’t do that to y’all.” 

I could feel him still staring. 

“What?” I asked.

“Yeah, we saw Just Playing Around.  It was a pretty good movie,” Etta said from behind me as she and Beth emerged from her room.  “It was a modernized version of Midsummer Night’s Dream.  Not exactly the same, but still.  Oh, and the guy the main character lusted after?  Friggin hot.  You need to talk Chris into taking you to see it.  Riley Tate is the actor’s name.  His dimples alone make it totally worth the price of the ticket.”

Fucking Riley Tate.  Etta tossed that name around all day.  I rolled my eyes.

“You want me to take Beth to a movie just to see some hot guy?” Chris asked. 

“C’mon, Chris.  You’re not secure enough in your relationship to withstand a little man-meat competition?  It’s not like we’ll ever meet him.”  She walked around the couch and stood in front of me.  “You feeling any better, Nathaniel?”

My eyes caught sight of her and my jaw dropped open.  Holy shit.  She looked friggin hot.  Her hair was up with a huge flower pinned in it and some curly tendrils falling around her face.  She was wearing makeup, not a whole lot of it, but her eyes sparkled.  She had on very short shorts and a skimpy bikini top under the unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt, the background of which made her eyes stand out more.  The flat, tanned skin of her stomach begged to be touched.  Her full, tinted glossy lips beckoned to be kissed.  Ugh.  I wanted so badly to pull her on top of me and devour her. 

“You girls about ready to go?” Chris asked.

Go?  Oh yeah.  The party.  She was leaving.  Dressed like that.  To go to a party.  With other guys.  Half naked.  Fuck.

“Are you going like that?” I snapped.

“Yeah.”  She looked down, checking out her outfit.  “Why?  Is there something on me?”

“There is not enough on you, Etta.”  I stood up.  “Like not enough clothes.  At least button up your shirt.”

“He he.  Isn’t he cute?”  She giggled and patted my face.  “You think you’re my brother now, Nathaniel?” 

I could feel my blood rising and my face getting hot.  “No, I am most definitely NOT your brother,” I said through clenched teeth.  I took a deep breath.  “But that doesn’t stop me from telling you that you shouldn’t leave here with all that skin showing to go to a party with a bunch of drunk asses who won’t be able to control themselves when they see you dressed like that, Etta.”

She stared at me with wide eyes.  “What’s that supposed to mean?”  Her eyes narrowed.  “That sure is different than your former speech that women should dress however they want?”

“You should remember that not all guys get that message, Etta,” I spat.

She flinched, but the daggers she threw at me via her very stormy eyes tried their best to hit me.

“Etta, I think he’s just being protective,” Beth intervened.  “Just button up your shirt to make him happy.”

“No,” Etta protested.  “I’m fine the way I am.”  She walked away grumbling something about Neanderthals and perpetuating rape culture.  She grabbed her bag.  “Let’s go.”  She walked out the door, Beth close on her heels, without a second glance.

I turned to Chris and opened my mouth, but he stopped me.

“I’ll keep an eye on her, Nate.”  He walked toward the door.  “This wouldn’t be an issue if you stop pretending to be sick and come with us.”  I sat back down on the couch and turned on the TV.  “Fine.  But I left a flier for the party on the coffee table, just in case you change your mind.”

Just in case I change my mind.  Fat chance.

I flipped through the channels and found the Adam Sandler movie we watched at Mom’s house the night Dad died.  Nope.

I flipped some more to find an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer that we had watched together last week.  Are you friggin kidding me?

I looked at the coffee table to see the brightly colored paper calling me, the one Chris left.  No.  I was not going to be drawn in.

I continued to flip, thinking back to her comment about rape culture.  It was good that she wasn’t concerned about how she was dressed.  It meant that she was probably over what happened to her over a year ago.  However, while I was proud of her for not letting that fuck nugget rule her life, I still knew how the guys she would be around tonight would react to seeing her dressed like that.  I needed a distraction from my line of thinking.

I found Rain Man.  I missed almost half of it, but I hadn’t seen it in a while.  No harm in that movie, right?

Wrong.  Thirty minutes into watching, the scene where Tom Cruise teaches his brother how to dance came on.  Song playing in the background?  “At Last,” by whom?  Yeah, Etta’s namesake.    

I stood and paced.  Was I really going to allow a string of coincidences to dictate the course of my evening?

Hell yeah I was. 

I showered and shaved quickly and changed into the stupid Hawaiian shirt Etta bought for me yesterday.  I looked in the mirror.  Not too bad.  I would have to dial down the love-struck fool a little before I got to the party.  After a splash of after shave, I hit the road.   

I arrived at the party a little after 9:00 p.m.  It was in River Oaks, Houston’s version of Beverly Hills.  Very rich, very upscale.  Usually old money.  Luke had hit the mother lode of girlfriends.  I was lucky to find a spot to park close to the house.  And by house, I mean friggin huge chunk of real estate.  I felt like I was way underdressed, like I should be wearing a tuxedo or something.  Surely people who lived like this never wore Hawaiian shirts, cargo shorts and flip flops.  Yet at this party, I was surrounded by them.  Apparently the party snowballed into way larger than just my teammates and dates.  At least two hundred people roamed the backyard of this palatial estate, which sported a bar and a dance floor.  The rich sure know how to throw a party.  The girl even hired a DJ. 

“We wondered when you’d show up,” Chris said, handing me a beer bottle.  “I bet Beth it would be earlier.”  He took a drink of his beer.  “Looks like I lost.”

I looked around the yard, searching for Etta. 

“Relax, Nate.  You’ll get whiplash.”  Chris grinned.  “She’s over there, dancing with Beth.”

I looked over in the direction Chris indicated, and sure enough, within the large group of people, Etta danced.  I found it funny that in the fifteen months I’d known her, I’d never once watched her dance.  Poetry in motion?  I understood the cliché now.  She swayed, shimmied and gyrated perfectly.  Unfortunately, I wasn’t the only one who noticed.  Every guy in her viewing area was noticing.  Well, maybe not every guy, but any eyes on her, other than mine, of course, were too many. 

Like when I first saw her, that siren’s tractor beam pulled me in her direction.  But this time, I knew what I was going to do.  Pull her off that dance floor.  I set my beer down on the table behind me and started to move toward her, but a hand grabbed my elbow.

“Whoa, Cowboy,” Chris warned.  “Beth and I didn’t spend the twenty minute car ride over here convincing that girl you weren’t an asshole for you to go ruin it as soon as you get here.”  He handed me my beer bottle. 

“I wasn’t going to…”

“Yes, you were.”  He laughed.  “Calm down and have a beer.  Beth says this is the most fun she’s seen Etta have in a long time.  You go over there, and Beth will be mad at me.”  He clinked his bottle against mine.  “Sit back.  Let her have a good time.”

Chris was right.  Yet again.   Going over there and acting all jealous boyfriend was way overstepping.  It’s always good to have the right people watching out for you.  Chris was definitely the one in my life who acted in that capacity.  Frequently.  I had saved his ass on occasion, just not as often as he had pulled my cojones out of the fire. 

And I had to admit I was being ridiculous.  I had no claim on Etta, and pushing this would ruin our friendship permanently.  I really needed to back off.  In fact, I was feeling pretty stupid for even coming.  But I sat for about an hour, watching.  I decided I did want a beer to replace the warm one in my hand, so I moved to the bar.

I felt someone at my side, standing very close.  I turned to look into a unwelcomed familiar face.  “Come to see what you passed up?” Victoria purred in my ear. 

“What the hell does that mean, Vicky?”  I knew she hated the nickname.

“You’re at my party.  This is my house.”  She waved her arm around. 

“Wait, you’re Luke’s new girlfriend?”  I laughed.  “Oh man, that’s friggin classic.”

“What’s so funny about it?  When you threw me away like used garbage, I found a better man.”

“Well, I’m glad you found what you wanted, Vicky.”  I raised my beer bottle at her.  “Here’s to your happiness.”

I felt her hand on my ass.  “Not exactly what I wanted,” she whispered in my ear.

Gross.

I grabbed her hand and removed it, pushing her gently backward.  “Go find Luke, Vic.” 

Not to be easily deterred, she placed her hand on my chest.  “I figured you’d be happy that I’d take you back.”

“You never had me to begin with.  And what in the world would make you think that?” 

She motioned toward the dance floor, “Well, since it seems your girlfriend has found another to play with.”

Yep.  She was right.  Some guy was dancing with Etta.  He was behind her.  His hands on her hips, sliding across her stomach, the stomach I wanted to touch earlier.  His groin grinding into her ass, the most perfect ass I’ve ever seen.  Her eyes were closed and her head moved back and forth, as if she was enjoying it.  He ground himself into her again, and she rubbed back.  She leaned back into him and smiled.  Grabbing his hands, she guided him to caress the skin of her abdomen, dangerously close to her breasts. 

First instinct was to rip off my shirt and go all “Hulk smash.”  But I had to reevaluate the scene unfolding in front of me.  My Etta would never let some stranger touch her so intimately.  My Etta was very tightly wound, and even if she was letting her hair down, she wouldn’t do this – especially publically. 

I grabbed Chris’s arm.  “Something’s wrong.”  I motioned toward Etta.  “This isn’t like her.”

As we watched, Etta turned around, faced the guy she was dancing with and looked up at him.  It took her a minute to focus on him, but once she did, she shook her head and pried his hands off her.  I quickly made my way toward them.  The asshole moved to grab her hips again, but she then performed some ninja move and flipped him, right at my feet, and held his arm up, twisted at a painful angle, and her foot was planted in his back.

“I told you I’m not interested, stupid ass jack hole.”  Swaying, she dropped his arm and focused on me.  “Nathaniel,” she stepped over him and threw herself in my arms.  “Something’s wrong with me.”

“I’m no expert, Eddie, but I think you might be drunk.”

“Impossible.”  She burped and looked up at me.  “I’ve never been drunk in my life.”

I smiled down at her.  “There’s a first time for everything.”  She looked pretty out of it.  “C’mon.  I’ll take you home.”

“Okay, that’s probably a good idea.”   

“I just need to tell Chris and Beth we’re leaving.”  I searched the bar and saw them huddled together.  Chris made eye contact with me.  I pointed to Etta and then to the direction of the street.  He nodded in understanding. 

“I just want to go home.”  She swallowed.  “I’m not a real big fan of this drunk thing.” 

“Yeah, me neither.”  I grabbed two bottles of water from a cooler close to us.  “Can you walk?”

“I think so.”  She took a few steps and turned to me.  “Yep, I didn’t forget how.”  Then she giggled.  “Is that possible, to forget how to walk when you’re this fucked up?  That would completely suck, you know?  I wonder what else you could forget to do.  Talking?  I can see how drinking could screw up what you want to say, but then that would really suck, too.  No walking, no talking.  You’d be just like a baby.  I wonder if it sucks to be a baby…”

Great.  Etta was one of those talks-too-much-when-she-drinks people.  Fucking fantastic. 

I got her to my car, her still spouting some stream of consciousness bullshit, and buckled her in tight.  I handed her a bottle of water.  “Take small sips, Etta.  Trust me, it will make the hangover a lot less severe.” 

“Okay.”  She opened the bottle and took a sip.  “Bottled water is just wrong.  Filtered tap water is essentially free, and you don’t have all those plastic bottles mucking up the landfills…” I closed the door and walked around to open the driver’s side.  “… would even bother to recycle.  Interesting fact.  Did you know glass will not ever break down, so it can be infinitely recycled?  But they don’t use glass bottles often.  Just for beer and Snapple.  I understand why glass water bottles are impractical, but if they would just…”

“Etta,” I interrupted, pulling the car away from the party.  “Did you recognize the guy dancing with you?”

“The stupid ass jack hole?  Yeah.  He brought me a drink earlier.  I told him I wasn’t interested then.”

“Did you drink it?”

“No way,” she snorted.  “I’m not stupid.  Never accept drinks from stupid ass jack holes.  It’s the first rule of party safety.”

“Okay, then why were you dancing like that with him?”

She turned toward me and looked me in the eye.  “I don’t want to tell you.”

“Why not?”

“Because,” she looked out the window and bit her lip. 

“I thought we were friends,” I teased.  “Friends tell each other everything.”

“No, not this.”  She shook her head.  “This is too big.  Lives could be changed.”

I pulled up at a red light.  “How can this change lives?  That’s a little melodramatic, don’t you think?”

“Telling you that I thought that he was you could change things.”   She put her hand over her mouth.  “Ah, shit, I wasn’t supposed to say that.”

Punch to the gut.  She thought he… was me?  How was I supposed to take that?

“You weren’t in your seat, so I thought you came to dance with me.”

I stared at her disbelievingly.

“Uh, Nathaniel.  The light is green.” 

As I stepped on the gas, my cell phone rang.  It was Chris. 

“Hey, Chris.  Sorry for leaving, but Etta is pretty drunk and she wanted to…”

“Nate, Beth and I don’t think she’s drunk.  We think someone slipped her something.”

I was quiet for a second.  “Why?”

“Well, Beth said she saw Etta only have two drinks, and that guy she was dancing with offered her another one earlier.  Beth says that when Etta refused it, he sat it down on the bar next to the one she was drinking.  Now, he could have slipped something in her drink when he sat the other one down, or Etta drank the one he left her by mistake.  Beth and I checked, neither one of the margaritas Etta had is even halfway empty.  Beth told me she has never seen Etta drunk, so I got to thinking about it and asked around.  No one else saw Etta get any more than two.”

“Okay, so what do I do?”

“Watch her, or you can take her to the emergency room.”  He paused.  “There’s more.”

“More?”

“Yeah, well I’m pretty sure that Victoria chick put this guy up to it.  She came over to talk to you, remember?  Probably to distract you.   Remember, she did point Etta and that guy out to you.  When you left with Etta, she had a big argument with the guy whose ass Etta kicked, yelling about how he blew it and he had one stupid job all night.  I guess she didn’t take into account that Etta has serious ass-kicking skills, huh?”

“Yeah, I didn’t even know about that.”

“Let me know what you are doing.  If you need us, Beth and I are just a phone call away.”

He hung up.

“What did Chris say?” Etta asked.

Do I lie?  What the hell do I do here? 

“Etta, how much did you have to drink tonight?” I asked.

She squinted her eyes and counted on her fingers.  “I had two, I think… no, I didn’t even take two sips out of the last one.  Hey, I can’t be this drunk off one and a little bit of two, can I?”

I turned her direction.  “No.” 

“So the stupid ass jack hole dosed me, didn’t he?”  She giggled.  “I’m glad I flipped him then.”

“Yeah, that was pretty awesome, but Chris thinks I should take you to the emergency room,” I admitted. 

“No.  No way.  Not going there.”  She shook her head. 

“Etta, what if you…”

“No Nate, they’ll call my mom.  She already accused me of doing drugs once.  I don’t want to go through that again.  No way.”  She pulled on my shirt.  “I don’t even feel that bad, just a little too relaxed and light.  You can watch me.  Please, Nate.  Please don’t take me to the ER.”

“Etta, I…”

“Please Nathaniel.  We live like not even two minutes away from one of the leading Med Centers in the world.  If anything changes, you can take me then.  Please, just take me home?”

I looked her in the eyes.  No way was I refusing.  “Okay, but I’m watching you like a hawk.”

She smiled.  “I’ll just have to find something to do that will entertain you, huh?”  She kept staring at me. 

I glanced her direction.  “What?”

“Well I just realized that this is the second time you’ve saved me.”  She took another drink of water, but her eyes never left me.  “You’re my hero.”

“It’s also the second time I’ve given into your begging.  Let’s not make that a thing, okay?”

“Yeah, we’ll see.”

I saw out of the corner of my eye that she continued to look at me, her eyes roving over my face, down my torso and back up again. 

“What?” I asked again, irritated this time.

“Well, you are really hot, you know that?” she said in her sexy, husky tone.

Uh oh. 

“Yeah, um, Eddie…”

“And your eyes, they are so pretty.  Blue, the color of the sky.  And a girl would kill to have your lashes.”  She reached up and touched my hair, running her fingers through it gently.  “I swear sometimes you can see into my soul,” she almost whispered.

I grabbed her hand and set it back in her lap, but she held on to my hand, flattening it palm down on the top of her leg.  “These hands, so big.  So strong.”  She traced the back of my hand with her fingertips.  “At night, I often think about what it would feel like to have them touch me.”

Holy.  Fucking.  Shit. 

This is not happening.

I removed my hand from her thigh and pulled into my parking space.  I jumped out of the car and ran around to open her car door and helped her out of the car.  She looked up at me through her lashes, her eyes the same dilated, fiery bluish-grey I’d seen one time before.  That just about sent me over the edge. 

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  “C’mon, Etta.  Let’s get you inside.”

I led her by the elbow to the door.  As I fumbled with the keys, she snuggled into my side and turned her head up to where her nose was at the base of my neck.  I tried to back my hips away, hoping she didn’t notice how hard I was.

“Damn, Nathaniel,” she whispered, running her hand through my hair again.  “You smell good.”

“Etta, you seriously need to stop.”

I unlocked the door and guided her inside, trying hard not to trip over her. 

She turned to face me.  “Why stop?”  She leaned into me, pressing her chest against my stomach, and looked up, eyes ablaze with desire.  I backed up, and she slipped her shirt off her shoulders.  “You’ve never thought about me?  Like that?” 

Almost every second.

I stared into her eyes for a few seconds.  The way she looked at me, like I’d always dreamed, made it almost impossible to say this.  “Etta, I… You don’t really want to do this.”  I turned her around and led her to her room.  “You need to sleep off whatever this is.” 

She stopped at the door to her room and braced her hands inside the doorway.  I almost ran into her back.  “No, Nathaniel.”  She didn’t turn around, and her hands moved from the doorway to my thighs, palms flat against them, and squeezed.  “I have always wanted to do this.”  She slid her hands up to my hips.  Her thumbs grazed the sides of my hardness.  “I feel how much you want me, Nathaniel.”  She threw her head back into my shoulder and grabbed my wrists, pulling my hands to her flat, tanned stomach.  She reached up behind her neck and untied her bikini top, letting it fall around her waist.  I buried my eyes in her neck, not wanting to look, knowing if I did, I would never be able to stop. 

“Oh, my God, Etta, you really need to stop.”  I really needed to pull away, but I couldn’t.  Her hands moved to the waistband of her shorts, just under my hands.  I heard her zipper and felt her shimmy her shorts down.

“Tell me, Nathaniel,” she whispered in my ear.  “Tell me you don’t want me.”

I groaned, but I didn’t move.  Eyes still buried against her neck, hands still on her stomach. 

“Fuck.”  I leaned down, placing my forehead on her shoulder.  “I can’t tell you that, but we can’t.  Not like this.”

I summoned all my will power and started to move back, but she grabbed my hands, locking them to her.  I had absolutely no will power to stop her.  She moved my hand down, under her panties, to between her legs. 

Oh.  My.  God.

“Feel what you do to me.”  She moved both our hands around and moaned.  “Oh, God, Nathaniel.  You make me so wet.  Always.  I’ve always wanted you to touch me like this.” 

To hell with it. 

I pulled her back to me roughly and plunged my finger inside her.  Tight, wet, warm.  She inhaled sharply and collapsed into my chest, breathing heavily.  Her right hand was still on top of mine, guiding me, but her left circled to her back and untied the back of her bikini, letting it fall to the floor.  She moved her left hand to the back of my head, anchoring me in place.  She circled her hips in rhythm with my hand, grinding her perfect ass into my hard on. 

I ran my lips from her shoulder up to her ear, keeping my eyes closed so I couldn’t look at her naked breasts.  “I’ve always wanted to taste you, to see if you taste as sweet as you smell.” 

She removed her right hand from on top of mine and reached up to trace my lips with her fingertips.  They were wet.  Wet from her.  I parted my lips and let my tongue taste them.  Heaven.

It would take nothing to bend her over the bed and plunge my rock-hard cock deep inside her and fuck her like I’ve always wanted to, like I’ve dreamed so many nights.

Her left hand grabbed my left and started to move it upward.  I felt the bottom of her breast. 

Alarm bells.

This was wrong.

So wrong.

This was Etta.  She wants to be just friends.  She doesn’t really want this.  She’s been drugged.  She is not in her right mind. 

I could never take advantage of her like this. 

She won’t remember. 

I wanted her to remember.

I removed my right hand from her panties and pulled my left hand away from her breast.  I settled them on her hips and rested my forehead back on her shoulder.

“Etta, we can’t.” 

Her hands covered mine again, pulling them around her.  “Yes we can.  Please touch me again.  Make me come.  It won’t take much more.  I want you so much.”

“No,” I said sharply.  “We can’t, Etta, not like this.”

“Why?”

“Because.  You’ve been drugged.  This isn’t what you really want.”

She turned around to face me, but I kept my eyes averted.  “Look at me, Nathaniel.”  I moved around her and searched the room for something to cover her.  I found a shirt on the floor and handed it to her without looking.

“Put this on, then we’ll talk.”

“Look at me.”  I sighed and turned toward her.  She had simply covered her chest with the shirt.  “I want you.  I’ve always wanted you.  I was scared, but I’m not scared now, Nathaniel.”  She moved closer to me and dropped the fucking shirt.  Magnificent.  Better than I imagined.  Her soft breasts and pointed nipples begged me to touch them.  She touched my face.  “Please, I want to feel you inside me.”

She is fucking killing me.  I closed my eyes and shook my head; I think I might have whimpered.  I opened my eyes and focused on her face.  “I can’t, Etta.”

Her eyes shined.  “Don’t you want me?”

I lifted my hand to her face, caressing her lips with my thumb.  “Since the first time we met.  Even more now, more than you’ll ever know.”  I kissed the tip of her nose.  “If you wake up tomorrow and remember any of this, and you still want to, I’ll say yes.  I promise.”  I linked her pinky with mine and brought it up to my mouth.  “I pinky swear.”  I kissed our linked pinkies, not breaking eye contact.  “But understand something, it won’t be just sex.  It could never be just sex with you, Etta.”  I kissed her cheek.  “It will mean so much more… you and me… together.”  I looked in her eyes.  “Do you understand that?”

She nodded her head and a tear streaked down her face.  I caught it with my thumb. 

“I’m going to go change my clothes,” I told her.  “Please, put some on.  I’ll be back in a few minutes.  I don’t want to leave you alone tonight.”  She started to say something, but I covered her mouth with my thumb.  I pointed to the chair she studied in that looked like a big, cushioned satellite dish.  “I’ll sleep in that chair.”  I put my forehead to hers.  “There is no way I can sleep next to you now.” 

She smiled sadly.  “I guess you don’t always give into my begging.”

I smiled and kissed her forehead.  “There’s always tomorrow.”  I turned away from her. 

That was the hardest fucking thing I’ve ever done in my life.

“I can’t believe this,” she sobbed. 

I couldn’t believe it either.

I walked to my room and opted for a quick cold rinse in the shower for several obvious reasons.  It helped very little, especially when I walked back to her room and found she had not only not dressed, but she was asleep on top of her covers with the lights on. 

I quickly grabbed the blanket off the couch and covered her.  After turning out the lights, I sat down on the bed, smoothed her hair back from her peaceful face and watched for a moment, counting her breaths.  When I was convinced that her breathing was normal, I kissed her temple lightly. 

“I hope you know how hard that was for me,” I whispered.  She sighed.  I waited to see if I woke her, but she didn’t move.  “I just lo… I care about you so much.”  Can’t even say it out loud when she is sleeping.  Pussy. 

I did, though.  I couldn’t say it, not even in my head, but I had for a long time.

I walked over and plopped in the chair, surprised at how comfortable it really was.  Memories of the night replayed in my head, even though I tried to think about other things.  While I knew deep down that stopping was the right thing, I couldn’t help but feel like one big stupid jackass. 

Besides the night as a whole, one thing truly disappointed me.  I never kissed her.  That was my only real regret.