Chapter 26
I spent the rest of the afternoon focused on what Dawn had said. It had been so long since I’d felt insecure about anything. I was raised with a strong self-image. I was constantly encouraged to be proud of who I was—my physical body and my intelligence. There was never a moment when I felt as if I needed to prove myself to others. But all of that had changed in my late teens.
Holed up in my condo, I turned on some of my favorite music. I couldn’t avoid this anymore. I needed to figure out what exactly had created a flaw in my armor of self-confidence, what was causing me to feel so uneasy. If I wanted to model to others how to believe in themselves and their beauty, then I needed to be able to do the same.
As I paced through the house with music pounding in my ears I recalled the way that Trent looked at me. He mentioned that he thought he found love once, but it turned out not to be the case. I couldn’t help but wonder what she was like. I could only guess that she was much quieter than me. They probably spent their time discussing important issues. He had to see me as silly, maybe even shallow.
Or maybe it was my body type? I paused in front of my full-length mirror. My hourglass figure was something I’d always adored. Yes, I was curvy, which I considered to be very sensual and appealing. But maybe it was too much for him? The thought made my heart drop. I hadn’t told him the full truth when he’d asked me about my relationships.
There had been a time when I thought I was in love. But I was young; now I considered it just infatuation when I looked back on it. However, the impact of that relationship still affected me.
“I can’t ever let that happen again.” I frowned as I stared into my own eyes. When I was just graduating from high school, I’d had my first real boyfriend. I’d dated guys on and off before that, but this was the first relationship I’d committed to. He’d been a year older and I’d thought that meant he knew everything. At first it was amazing. He wanted to know everything about me, spoiled me with dates, gifts, and attention. Then he started to pick at me. He didn’t like that I laughed so loud. He wanted to know where I was all the time.
I closed my eyes as I recalled the way my heart would race each time he’d looked at me. I’d thought it was love. I’d wanted to do everything I could to please him.
Then he started to push me to lose weight. He made gentle comments at first, but he became more and more demanding. It got to the point that I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror because I was so upset at myself for not losing the weight.
My confidence had crumbled and I barely wanted to be seen. He had me wrapped around his finger, to the point that all he had to do was look at me in a certain way and I’d put down whatever food I was about to eat.
My stomach twisted with panic at the memory. It was my father that had interfered in that relationship. He’d taken me aside and reminded me of exactly who I was. He said any man who would not appreciate my beauty was not worthy of my love. At first I thought he was just being overprotective, but then I began to see my boyfriend for who he was.
Unfortunately, even after the break-up, some damage had been done. It took me a long time to regain my confidence. I couldn’t let anything shake it now. My father’s advice was still true.
If Trent couldn’t appreciate me for who I was, then he wasn’t worthy of my love.
I sat down in the center of my bed, surrounded by my sanctuary, and closed my eyes. It was time to let go of my desire for Trent. It was time to release the insecurity that had blossomed within me.
As my body began to relax, I felt a ripple of peace carry through me. It was followed by memories of Trent. All of the kind comments he’d ever said floated through my mind. It struck me that I couldn’t recall a single time he’d said anything to hurt me or put me down. Even when I’d deleted the entire website, he’d refused to question my intelligence.
My heart lurched as I recalled his touch on the back of my hand and the way he’d gazed into my eyes when he could have just as easily looked away. It dawned on me that he wasn’t the source of my insecurity. I was. He hadn’t done anything to make me feel less than. I’d convinced myself that I couldn’t be good enough for him. But why?
My eyes flew open as the realization came over me. I was afraid of the real thing. I was afraid of how strongly I felt for him and how very much his opinion mattered to me. I wasn’t insecure because he’d rejected me; I was insecure because I was afraid to give him the chance to.
Dawn was right—one attempt at a kiss wasn’t going after what I wanted, and I couldn’t spend the rest of my life wondering what might have happened if I’d been brave.