Every muscle is tight as if someone is pulling me apart from the inside out. He kisses me languidly and ardently. All I want is more. I want aggression and roughness because the tenderness is breaking me. I want to forget. I need to get lost in him and for the world to fade away. No jobs, no loss, no sadness … only us.
His lips leave mine as he kisses from my neck to my collarbone. “I’ve missed you so much,” Jackson says quietly as he pulls the strap of my dress down, exposing my shoulder.
I close my eyes and memorize the way his lips feel against my skin.
He lowers the zipper of my dress. “We don’t have to do this,” I say unsure of what I’m feeling. He bared his soul, told me about the loss of his wife and child—it feels wrong knowing tomorrow I have to leave.
Jackson turns me to him, cups my cheeks, and waits for me to look at him. “I need you. I need every part of you. You make me whole.”
My chest is weighted by his words because I’m going to hurt him. I know I am and I think he knows it too. “Just for tonight,” I say hoping he understands. “You have me.”
Without answering he lowers his lips to mine, stopping all conversation. I close my mind off. If I think about what this is, it’ll kill me. The loss that this man has endured, the pain that we’ve caused each other, is too much. But if he needs this, then he can take from me. I’ve taken enough from him.
“You’re so beautiful,” Jackson says letting me know he in no way takes this moment for granted. My dress comes off. He leaves on my heels and I lie here as he admires me while taking off his uniform.
“Let me,” I say, sitting up.
Each button that I undo I lose a part of myself—a part of us.
Trust. I trusted him. I trusted us—but we failed.
Another button.
Hope. We shared hope that we would be enough for each other.
Another button.
Security. He made me feel safe, loved, adored.
Another button.
He stops my hands from moving and he removes the tears I try to stifle. “Stay with me.”
I nod as his shirt falls. He removes his undershirt and my eyes fall to the scar on his chest. It’s no longer red and angry, but it serves as a reminder of how close I came to losing him forever. The scar marks a time that I will never forget. But I don’t want to remember any of it because it’ll make telling him about the job that much harder. My stomach churns and I struggle to hold it together.
“Jackson, make me forget,” I plead. I need to do anything but feel.
His lips crush mine and he lays me down. I relish in the way his tongue dances with mine, volleying for control. When his hands softly graze against my body I shiver. The weight of him on top of me holds me together. His arms press me against him and I’m whole once again.
Releasing me, he never breaks eye contact, forcing me to stay in the moment and not retreat into my head. Jackson’s eyes swim with emotion, but he slowly moves his lips to mine while he removes my bra.
“Every part of you belongs to me,” he whispers against my lips.
“Take me.”
Slowly his tongue glides to my neck as he makes his way to my chest. When his mouth latches on to my nipple, I cry out in pleasure. Jackson’s tongue circles it slowly and then he licks his way to my other breast, lavishing it with the same attention.
“I love you,” he says as he makes his way to my stomach.
Every part of me wants to tell him how much I love him. Every cell in my body is crying out to give in to him, but I fight it. I resist it because I know it doesn’t change the position we’re in.
“Please,” I beg so he’ll stop talking.
Jackson slips my panties down my legs and his fingers brush against my clit and my back bows off the floor. “Jackson,” I sigh as he spreads my legs apart and I feel the scruff of his cheek against my thigh. The roughness sets my body on fire. All I want is to stay in this moment forever. Just the two of us tonight, because I don’t want this night to end. I want to freeze time and live right here forever.
When his tongue touches me, I grip his hair. He inserts a finger and my body moves of it’s own accord. Jackson’s tongue enters me and he holds my hips fucking me with his mouth. “Oh, God,” I cry breathlessly as his thumb presses on my clit.
He’s barely touched me and I’m already teetering on the edge.
Jackson stops and I look at him. “If I only have tonight, we’re going to take our time,” he says answering the questions in my eyes. “Now flip over.”
Again I stare at him, biting my lip, trying to figure out his plan. His hands travel up my body, and when he reaches my hips, he grips them and turns me over. I feel his weight and warmth disappear. Looking over at him, I see him remove the rest of his clothing. He’s even more magnificent than the last memory I have.
He returns to my side and I feel his hands on my shoulders, pushing down, working out the tension. “I’m sorry,” he says as his lips press against my spine. “I shouldn’t have kept things from you.”
I close my eyes and attempt to halt the tears. “I know. I’m sorry too,” I say.
I’m sorry for the fact that this is where we are. To love someone so much but not be able to be together.
Jackson continues to massage my back without a word, stopping only to place a kiss every few minutes. After he’s content with loosening my muscles, he turns me back over. The look in his eyes stops my heart. There’s so much emotion in that single moment. The most dominant is despair. He’s breaking and I’m already broken.
As we hold each other’s gaze, Jackson enters me. It’s like coming home. We fit like two pieces of a puzzle. My body welcomes him and he sighs.
“I need you,” he says as he slides back and forth. “I hate who I am without you. You have no idea how miserable I am. Please, come back to me,” Jackson requests, but I don’t respond. “No more secrets.”
“I miss you too.” It’s all I can say because I can’t make promises. I’m miserable without him too, but I was living. My life was working out, but now I want to lock myself away with him and never leave.
Jackson grinds his hips and my body climbs higher needing release. I moan and close my eyes.
“I need to see you,” he says through gritted teeth. “Let me see you when you come.”
I open my eyes and try to keep them on him while he continues to hit the spot that’s driving me to orgasm. “So. Close,” I gasp in between thrusts. I grip Jackson’s face and pull him to me as my tongue delves into his mouth. I lose myself and my body rockets into another world.
Jackson continues milking every ounce of pleasure I’m capable of feeling before he loses it. “Fuck, Catherine. I love you,” he says as he orgasms.
We lay here, both spent emotionally and physically.
After we both clean up, I see him in my father’s office. “Is this him?” he asks, finding a frame I missed during the packing.
“Yeah, that was my dad,” I say looking at the photo.
“You look like him.”
“Jackson we should talk,” I say softly.
“Not tonight. We’ve done enough talking. Tonight, I just want to pretend,” he murmurs and pulls me against his chest.
I sigh and wrap my arms around him. As much as I want to pretend as he’s asked, I know it’ll only leave us both in worse shape tomorrow. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
He rubs his hands up and down my back and sighs deeply. “I know.” He places a kiss on my forehead. “Let’s go to bed.”
My lips press against his scar on his shoulder.
We move into the bedroom and he hands me his t-shirt. A smile spreads across my face as I remember how much he likes seeing me in his clothes.
Today has been overwhelming and heartbreaking. I think about how strong Natalie is, how she lost the man she loves and can’t ever get him back. I have the man I love in my arms and I’m going to let him go willingly. I wish I could be mad again. Mad didn’t hurt so much. It made leaving a little easier because it was his fault. Now, it’s a choice.
Jackson’s arm slides under my shoulder and he pulls me against his chest. “Is there anything I can say to change your mind?”
I look up at him and a tear falls. “No.”
He nods once and pulls me tighter. “I’m not going to give up. You’re mine and I’m going to win you back. I’m just warning you.”
“Jackson …” I start and he brushes the tear running down my cheek.
“No tears.”
“It hurts so much.”
His eyes stay focused on the ceiling. “I won’t hurt you anymore. Nothing heavy, I just want to hold you, talk to you, love you.”
“How?” I ask because I don’t see how we can pretend.
“Easy. How’ve you been?” His fingers run up and down my arm as we lie in each other’s arms.
This will last a few questions before we find a way back to the conversation we should be having.
“I’m living. How’s your leg?”
“Today I overdid it, but it was worth it. I wasn’t going to be on crutches for the memorial. Did you get to see Aarabelle?”
I smile thinking about how beautiful that tiny baby was. I promised Natalie we would see each other before I leave for California. “She’s perfect.”
“Yeah, she is. Natalie asked me and Mark to be her godfathers.”
“She told me. I think you’ll spoil her and do all the things you’re supposed to as a godfather.”
My mind drifts to how Jackson would be a father right now. He’d have his own baby to love but he’s lost that chance.
“Jackson, this is too hard. It’s going to hurt even more in the morning.”
“It can’t hurt any more than it already has,” he says quietly and adjusts himself to be more comfortable. “Go to sleep, baby.”
I was a fool to give him tonight. To think I could ever give him one night and it wouldn’t ruin me. Allowing him back in my heart even if only for a little bit reminded me all the reasons I loved him. His heart, his hurt, the way he loves are all there buried beneath a lot of guilt and pain. Jackson’s lived through hell, yet never let it destroy him.
Tonight I’m in the arms of the man I love. Tomorrow I won’t be. Selfishly, I close my eyes and allow the exhaustion to take over so I can pretend tomorrow isn’t coming and I can dream of Jackson like I do every night.
I wake up overheated and I can’t breathe. Trying to get air, I realize it’s because Jackson has his entire body wrapped around me. His legs are tangled with mine and his arms are steel cages around me, ensuring I can’t go anywhere.
He begins to stir and I try to disentangle myself, but he shifts and somehow pulls me closer. “Jackson, I can’t breathe,” I mumble, trying to move him.
“Shhh, it’s not tomorrow if we sleep.”
“Let me up.”
Jackson pulls his leg tighter around mine. “No.”
Glad to see he hasn’t lost his defiance. “Please, you’re smothering me.”
“I’ll smother you in another way if you want,” Jackson says groggily.
“Not until we talk. Now let me up, I need to pee.”
He groans and lets me up reluctantly. “I’ll be here in case you change your mind about the smothering.”
“I’ve got the closing in a few hours. I need to get up and get ready. But thanks for the offer.”
He laughs and gets out of bed while I hop in the shower.
This conversation is happening and time isn’t on my side. All I want to do is wrap my arms around him and hold on. My heart aches when I recall everything we shared last night. I hate how his fear of thinking I’d see him at fault kept him from telling me. Our paths might have been different than they are at this moment. My dream job is in California but my dream man is in the other room. I can’t give either up but I have to choose.
I clean up in the bathroom and when I come out, I smell coffee. Making my way into the kitchen, Jackson is standing there in his boxers and I can’t hold back the appreciative sigh.
The cocky smile spreads across his face when I’m caught admiring him, but he doesn’t say anything.
Once I have my cup of coffee we sit at the table. “We should talk,” I begin.
“I’d rather not,” Jackson says as he leans back in the chair.
“I’m sure, but I need to get this out.”
He grabs my hand and laces his fingers with mine. “I need to say something before you start. I never wanted to keep secrets.”
“But you did.”
“That night Aaron died, when we sat on the couch, I had it all planned out on how to explain about Madelyn.” His grip tightens slightly. “Then I got the damn call from Mark. I couldn’t think straight. I was responsible for someone else’s death. Then I was shot and I wanted to forget about it and be with you. Here’s the thing,” Jackson pauses and runs his hand through his hair. “Even if Maddie was alive, I don’t think I’d be married to her. I resented her for making me leave the Navy.”
My stomach rolls as I think about the resentment he talks about. It’s how I’d feel about him if I gave up my job. I release Jackson’s fingers and sit back in my chair holding my hands tightly.
When I look up, he rubs his hand down his face. “I’ve really lost you, haven’t I?”
Looking at the table, the poisonous word is on my tongue. “Yes.”
“I saw it in your eyes,” Jackson admits and my heart breaks at the sadness in his voice.
I thought he knew but I wasn’t sure. If I could go back in time and rewrite our history I would. I’d do so many things differently, but this is life and love is messy. There’s no pretty bow on the box.
“I know yesterday was a lot for you and for me. I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am for all you’ve lost. No one should have to go through that. I know you weren’t trying to hurt me by not telling me about your wife.”
“But it doesn’t change anything for us, does it?”
Oh, how I wish it did.
“No. Things have changed for me.”
“Is there someone else?” Jackson asks and he gets up out of the chair.
“No, there’s no one else.”
“Then what? Just say it so I can fix it,” he says hurriedly.
I close my eyes and say the words I don’t want to tell him, “I’m moving to California.”
“What? When?” He starts to pace around the kitchen.
“I leave in three days,” I say looking down, not wanting to see his face.
Jackson sits back in the chair and doesn’t say a word.
“I was offered a large promotion in CJJ. It happened a few days after we broke up. Anyway,” I say as the pain lances through my chest. “I was offered to head up the office they’re opening out there. It’s a huge opportunity for me, and it’s what I’ve dreamed of.” I look up and he closes his eyes.
“Funny,” Jackson pauses and let’s out a shaky laugh. “Here I sit with the shoe on the other foot and all I want to do is beg you to stay with me. I want to say anything to make this not happen, but I can’t ask you to give up your dream job. I fucking hate this.”
A sob erupts from my chest and Jackson’s arms are around me in a moment. “I knew I shouldn’t have let you in last night. I knew this was going to kill me today,” I cry against his chest.
“I’m not letting go, Catherine.”
I grip his shoulders and hold on, not knowing when I’ll ever feel his body against mine again. “You have to.”
Sure, we could try and make it work long distance, but who knows how long that would last for. Jackson runs two companies and travels, and my job is going to be extremely demanding.
“We’ll see,” he says and releases me. Jackson stands there for a minute before heading into the living room as he collects his uniform.
I sit here feeling desolate and numb.
When he returns, he pulls me from my chair and holds me one last time. “Can I call you?” Jackson chokes out.
I look up and see the emotion in his eyes. “I’d like that,” I say as my heart shatters.
“I love you, Catherine.”
The tears stream like rivers down my face. “I love you too, Jackson. So much. I wish …” I trail off unable to say what I wish because we both know.
“Me too, baby. Me too. I’ll call soon.”
I close my eyes as our lips meet. He holds my head and we both pour everything we’re feeling into each other. Jackson pulls back from my lips too soon. He kisses my forehead once and turns, walking out the door. I hear the door close and I crumble to the floor.
Love is messy and life sucks.