I’m a fucking idiot.
That’s the only thing that keeps rolling around in my skull. I watch her walk away and do nothing to convince her to stay. It’s like someone just shot me all over again. Pure agony. I want her to be in my arms, not on a damn plane. I could’ve asked her to stay, made her see what her leaving was doing to me, but I told her to go.
I told her to leave me, but I didn’t think she’d go—or maybe I did.
I’m a fucking idiot.
She needed to choose and I can’t blame her. Do I wish she would’ve stayed for me? Of course I do. She belongs with me. Then again, I’ve screwed up so many times I’m losing count. So I’m glad she got on that plane because I now know what I have to do.
I lived through her walking out the door once, but I won’t live through it again.
Fuck that.
It’s time to get her back.
Pulling my phone from my pocket, I call the limo driver to have him swing back and get me.
Then I call Mark.
“What up, dickhead?” he answers laughing.
I don’t even have the energy to insult him. I have more important things to do. “I’m on my way to Virginia. It’s time to get shit done.”
“About fucking time. I was starting to question the legitimacy of your man card. I thought maybe you liked playing dress up with your little makeup company and I needed to be concerned with how often you might have stared a little too long after the showers,” Mark crows in his condescending I-think-I’m-so-awesome-just-ask-me voice.
“You wish. There’d have to be something to stare at. I need to meet with Carter and if that doesn’t go well, I have a guy in New York who I can call.” The wheels are spinning in my head.
“You know Carter is going to be a prick. I would call your guy now and start the ball rolling.”
“I’ll handle it.”
Mark gives a sarcastic laugh. “Just like you handled everything else? Let’s face it, Muff, you’ve been fucking up left and right. So for once, listen to me. Call me when you land.”
“Yup,” I say, already forming a plan.
“It’s about time you dealt with all this bullshit,” Mark says and he hangs up.
Yeah, it is about time.
Two years ago, I went into a dark place. Losing Maddie and the baby was like nothing I’ve ever felt. When we lost the team guys, it was horrible, but she was my world at the time. I was so pissed at her for constantly riding my ass and needing me to give her more. Even though she told me to leave that day, I never should have. I lost her because I was selfish, and I won’t do that to Catherine. When I found out Madelyn died, my guilt was overwhelming.
Once I get in the car, I instruct the driver to go straight to the other airport.
He looks at me like I’m half stupid since we’re at an airport, but I need my plane. I text the pilot and tell him to be ready to leave immediately. I don’t have time to waste anymore.
Catherine reminded me it was okay to love and live, and I’ll be damned if she’s going to live without me, let alone love anyone else. She’s mine and I’m going to show her exactly what that means.
I land in Virginia and have an email from my brother-in-law stating if I want to meet him then I can meet him at the bar today or not at all.
I arrive at the restaurant where Catherine and I had dinner.
Being here reminds me of her.
“Jackson,” I hear Carter approach.
I nod and I stand to shake his hand, keeping my attitude in check. While our last meeting was pleasant, we’ve almost come to blows a few times.
“Carter, thanks for meeting me.”
“So, what does my favorite brother-in-law want?” he asks as he sits.
“I would really like to talk and be civil. Can we manage that?”
No one loved Madelyn like Carter did and no one hated me more than him either. I understood because I’d kill anyone who hurt Reagan, but I lost a lot that day too. The way Carter saw it was that I’d abandoned her to die.
“It’s been almost two years since I’ve heard more than a word here or there. Let’s not even talk about the brush off I got the last time we saw each other. I don’t know what exactly you expect from me. What’s going on?
“I won’t bullshit you, so here it is … I want you to take over Raven.”
He looks at me and leans back in his chair. This was his family’s company and I’d be a total dick if I didn’t at least give him a chance at it. When Maddie died, I asked him to take over, but he’d told me to fuck off and fade away.
“When she died, I couldn’t imagine going to that office. Now, I have no desire to have anything to do with it. I’m doing well here and I don’t want to move Chelsea and the kids.”
I give a quick nod and bite my tongue from telling him how I moved because it was what she wanted, but Maddie wasn’t his wife. My life was altered more than he can imagine. “I understand. I’ll be making some calls today.”
“You’re just going to walk away from it?” he asks with brows raised.
“I’m making some changes in my life.”
“I see. I have a question, since you’re here,” Carter says as he grabs his drink.
“Go ahead.”
“Why did you walk away from the family?”
My eyes widen as I try to decipher the underlying meaning. “I didn’t walk away.”
“Yes, you did. I reached out to you numerous times. You came to Virginia often, I assume, but you never came and said hi. It was like when Maddie died you disappeared.
“I wish things were different,” I pause. “I couldn’t see you and the girls. I lost everything. My life was a mess and you hated me.”
At her funeral, Carter called me every name in the book. He was distraught and had attacked me. I took it because I understood. It was my baby that killed his sister. It was my fault.
“I didn’t hate you.” Carter puts his drink down and watches me. “I hated everyone. Her for not being careful. You for leaving her that day. She called me after you left. She was upset, didn’t know what to do. She said it felt like she was losing you.” He closes his eyes and sighs heavily. “I know you didn’t want to leave the Navy and yet you did it for her. I think she knew that too. Anyway, I told her if you loved her, you’d come back. Did you love her?” Carter’s question pulls my attention.
“Of course I loved her,” I pause. It’s about time we have this conversation. “I gave up everything for her, man. I mean, you know how much I loved the Navy. I would’ve retired from there and even then they would’ve had to throw my ass out. But Maddie couldn’t handle the deployments and the fear of me dying. So I gave it up.”
“She used to cry every night that you were gone.” He looks up and takes a drink.
I know this. I remember her telling me every time I had to leave.
“We met when I was active duty. She knew what a marriage with me was, but she said she could handle it.”
“She couldn’t.”
“I figured that out. I did right by her so your anger is misplaced, brother. I loved her for a long time, but I didn’t kill her. That baby was never planned, and honestly, I wouldn’t have let her keep it knowing it would’ve killed her. I don’t know how she got pregnant. We were very careful. She was very careful. I know you lost your parents and then your sister, and for that, I’m sorry.”
Carter stands and extends his hand. “I’m sorry. I know you lost a wife and a child. That day, I lost a sister, a niece or nephew, and I lost a brother too.”
I’m on my feet in a second and I grip his hand and clap him on the shoulder. “I think we both fucked up.”
“I’m not proud of how I behaved, but I was fucking livid. At everyone, and you were there to take it.”
“You don’t have to explain how you handled your grief, but I need to move forward in my life.”
Carter nods in understanding and we stand there as the weight of the conversation settles.
I feel like I need to lay it all out. I don’t want any misunderstanding in what I’m telling him, and if we can ever move forward, then this will be the deciding factor.
“I’m going to be honest with you. I’ve found someone, and I can promise you, one day she’ll be my wife. She’ll never replace Madelyn, but I love her and would like your blessing.”
“Is she the girl I saw here last time?” he asks.
“Yes,” I reply waiting for him to say something more.
“I think Maddie would want you to be happy, and if she makes you happy then you better marry her before she realizes she can do better.” Carter smiles and claps me on the back. He grabs his drink and swallows it quickly, then turns without another word.
“Don’t worry, Carter. I’ll grab the tab.”
He throws his hand up and keeps walking.
Fucker.
I leave the bar and head to the office.
“All right, which one of you dickfaces parked in my spot?” I ask laughing when I enter. Only Mark knew I was coming, so I catch a few of the guys off balance.
“Oh, you work here?” Mark says walking over. “How’d it go with Carter?”
“I need to make a call to Hudson Pierce and see if he’ll help me out.”
Hudson and I met a few times in New York. If he’s not willing, then maybe one of his contacts will be.
“Then what’s your genius plan?”
“I’m going to get her back.”
“What if she doesn’t want you?” Mark asks, taunting me.
“That won’t happen, but if it does she’s going to find out just how persistent I can be.”
He laughs and walks off. “I forgot how stupid you can be.”
“I forgot what a jackass you are.”
“I never forget that about you.” Mark flips up his middle finger and I walk into my office feeling determined.
My phone bings.
Catherine: I landed.
Two words and I could punch a hole through the wall.
Me: I’m glad you’re safe.
Catherine: I’ve got a lot to do in the next few days. I love you and miss you already.
Me: We’ll talk soon.
I’ve got a lot to handle too, and the more time I waste, the more of a chance I have of losing her for good.