Another fucking flashback. I can’t determine what’s reality anymore.
I’m tired of being tired. When I’m in this awake but paralyzed state, I’m battling my mind and my body. I want to tell Catherine what I think and feel. But my goddamn body won’t get with the fucking program.
Then the fucking nightmares exhaust my mind. Haunting me with the shooting—forcing me to recall everything over and over. Either I see the bullets ripping through me or I see the aftermath. I’d rather go through Hell Week again—at least there we had fun crawling through dirt and mud.
“It’s been four days and he still hasn’t woken up, Mark.” Catherine sounds weary and worn.
“I know, Kitty.”
“You know I hate that,” she replies and I imagine her eyes rolling.
“Yeah, well, since I don’t have Muff here to give shit to … you’re the next best thing.” His laughter is short and forced.
I’ve known him long enough to hear the fear. It’s the voice we used when we were on a mission and things were going south. Full of lies but the words we needed to hear to get through it. Sometimes you need reassurance things are going to be fine even though you know they’re not. He’s doing his best to hold out for her. I must be in worse shape than I imagined.
The small hairs on the back of my hand move when she breathes. The ability to feel it gives me hope I’m coming around. Maybe soon I can open my damn eyes.
“I’m happy I amuse you, Twilight.” That’s my girl. Give it back to the fucknugget. “When do you have to head back to the States?”
“Soon. I have to make sure the rest of the contracts run smoothly and are under control, but …” A chair scrapes across the floor. “I can’t leave yet, Cat. I know I need to, especially with Aaron gone, but …” He trails off and takes a deep breath. “We only have two other guys who know this shit like we do. I’ve been with him since day one. This company may have his name, but it has all our blood, sweat, and tears.”
Another chair grates making a loud sound. “Is the company in trouble? I can try to do some press stuff from here. Manage the story as much as possible. You know this is what I’m good at. Plus it’s my job. I can’t fail him.” Catherine seems anxious to help. She speaks quickly trying to get him on board.
She must be going out of her mind. Everything in her life stopped so she could be here. I have to wake up. But when I do, will any of it matter? I’ll be injured at the very least, and we’re broken.
“No, we’re okay for now. We have the contract in Afghanistan that’s still not in a good place, but I have a liaison in place. What about Raven?”
That stupid company. It’s tied to me and bringing me down. If I get rid of it, there’s a part of her that goes. If I don’t, there’s a part of me that will lose everything. Of course, there’s the fact that Catherine knows nothing of my past and what it all means. Who the fuck even knows if she’ll understand once everything comes to light? She may bolt and I don’t know if I’d blame her.
I remember how I felt when that prick, Neil, showed up at her house saying he was her fiancé. The idea of her being tied to anyone that closely ripped me apart and made me see red. I’m aware other men have had a place, but I still hate it.
“Raven is good. Danielle’s handling things well. I’ve released a few updates about his condition, and the shareholders seem to be staying put for now. There hasn’t been a dip in the stock either. I have a few people with ears to the ground if anything comes up. I cancelled my meetings with the press for next week. And pushed the launch off.” I feel her fingers brush my hair back. “I guess it’s a good thing he’s my job.” Catherine’s short laugh is followed by a sob. “God! I just sit here and look at him and ask the same question over and over. Why? Why is this happening? I’m so scared he’s not going to wake up. That we won’t have a chance to make things right and I c-can’t!”
“Shhh, it’s okay,” Mark murmurs, and her sobs destroy me.
Even though I can’t move, every piece of me is in pain.
I fucked up.
“It’s not okay. None of this is okay,” she sniffles. “I thought we were going to find our way, Mark. I was ready to fight everything for him. Then he ripped me apart and he left me! He fucking left and didn’t look back. I know he had to leave to handle the situation with Aaron. I wasn’t against him leaving for that … just him leaving me! There’s something else. I know it.” Catherine’s voice shakes in anger.
My mind is slipping as I try to keep up with their conversation. I struggle to focus but the sounds are blurring together. I’m fucking drained.
“He has his reasons, Cat. You may not like them. Fuck, I don’t like them.”
“What reasons?” She sounds small and scared.
The exhaustion is overtaking as I fall back asleep unable to know what Mark will tell her.
Pain. The pain is back. It travels through me as I try to process what is going on.
“Okay, motherfucker, I’ve been patient. I’ve let you lie here and not said shit. I’ve held her while she cried. I’ve called your family. Done everything waiting for you to man up. But I’m done now, Muff. Wake the fuck up!” Mark’s voice interrupts my foggy sleep.
Oh, I’m awake now, dickhead.
“I’m so mad at you! You go and get shot in front of me. You always have to be the fucking martyr. You couldn’t take cover like I said to? I told you to watch your six. Now look, you’re fucking half dead.” Mark’s voice cracks on the last word.
“I’m not going to be the only one left here, asshole. You think you’re the only one here who lost them? I fucking lost them too. So, what? You’re going to quit and make me carry all of it? No, you wake up and you deal with this shit too. I was on the same mission! I watched them get carried out. I heard the same fucking sounds and lived the same hell. You weren’t the sole person responsible for them going into that village. I was there too,” he stops and exhales.
“I could’ve said we should stay together, but it was risky either way. Selfish fucking asshole you are. I’ve let you be this self-sacrificing prick for long enough. You don’t get to be the only one allowed to hurt. There were six of us! Six of us who walked into that fucking village and only three came out. There’s not a day I don’t think about them. I remember walking into that fucking funeral watching Melissa grieve. Watching Crystal hold on to that flag. Now there are only two. So who carries the fucking guilt if you die? Huh, you selfish son of a bitch? That’s what I thought. Just lie there and let me deal with this alone. God, you’re such a pussy.” Mark breaks off, drawing a few deep breaths.
I want to scream, choke, and claw my way out of my own skin. Selfish? Fuck him. He didn’t send them to their deaths. He wasn’t the one who had to make the call. I did. When I get out of this coma, I’m gonna kill him myself.
“And then what? You’re going to walk away from her too? Why? You need to get your fucking head straight. I was there for that too, you know. I watched her almost ruin you. But Catherine isn’t Maddie. And if you’re going to do this to her then you don’t deserve her. She loves you for some stupid ass reason. She didn’t hesitate for a second to come running when I told her you were hurt. She jumped on a plane. Maddie wouldn’t have. But you don’t see that because your head is shoved so far up your ass. You forget the bad and focus on how this was somehow your fault. You’re not responsible for all the bad shit that happens in life. I swear to God, Jackson, you die and I’ll fucking find you in the afterlife and kill you myself.” His own emotions become too much as I hear his breath catch.
I hate him in this moment because he says all this when I can’t defend myself. There’s no chance for me to tell him to shut the fuck up. I don’t want to hear what he’s saying about Madelyn or Catherine. They aren’t the same, but he wasn’t there. He didn’t see it. He didn’t know that once again my decisions had consequences. No, instead he wants to tell me how I’m wrong? Mark better pray I don’t come around right now.
After some silence, Mark’s breathing returns to normal.
“Hey,” Catherine’s voice is close and soft. “You okay?”
“No. I’m not.” Mark sounds empty.
“Yeah,” she pauses and lets out a deep exhale. “Me either.”
How long have I been out? It’s like I’m in some alternate universe. Some Tim Burton movie where you think you’re being drugged. I’m waiting for dancing ponies or a talking pumpkin to appear.
“How long have you been standing there?” Mark questions.
“Just long enough to hear you threatening to kill him yourself. Which I’m sure if he can hear us, he’s ready to choke you for.” She gives a small half-hearted laugh.
“I’m sure, but at this point I don’t give a shit. Hopefully I pissed him off enough to wake up. I thought by now …”
“Mark, it’ll—” Catherine’s voice is low.
“Sorry, Kitty. Come here.”
She sighs and I imagine he has her wrapped in his arms. Holding her close while I lie here and get to picture it. Why the fuck am I not waking up? The idea of Catherine in any other man’s arms is enough to make me want to tear my heart out. I know Mark would never cross that line, but I’m going out of my mind. I need to touch her, hold her, and let her know it’s all going to be okay.
“You know, I keep hoping I’ll wake up and be back in my apartment and all this will be a bad dream,” Catherine says with a shaky voice.
“He’s always been that guy in the group who wanted to prove everyone wrong. I hoped I could get him angry enough that his eyes would snap out and he’d be swinging at me.” He gives a short laugh, “Well, at least he could try.”
He’s not that far off. If I could’ve gotten my body to work I would’ve. Dickhead.
“But hope is for the weak—I have faith,” Mark tacks on.
“Each time you and I talk, I realize I don’t know him. We happened so fast, but everything was intense and felt right.”
She’s wrong. She knows me more than anyone. Catherine sees the things I don’t show anyone else. I let her in where it matters. Yet she thinks she knows nothing?
Shimmering lights all around, twinkling and growing brighter as the music plays. The sound of the bass reverberates through me as the drum solo plays in. My entire body vibrates with it.
Bam … bam … boom.
Standing at the beach with the sun shining upon my face. No one is here, just me as I wait for her. I close my eyes and breathe in the salt air. Allowing it to calm me, reminding me how I feel at home with the sea.
Slowly my eyes lift and I start to take her in as she walks toward me.
No shoes.
White dress.
As my eyes travel up to her face, I stand rooted in shock. Again she’s here.
“Jackson,” she whispers. “Come back to me.”
My heart stops beating as I gape at her. Six years she was my life and then she was gone. Taking all my hope, my love, and part of my heart when she left. I was empty and dead inside, but now she’s here again. Why? Why does she have to take from me over and over? Can’t she let me be?
I open my mouth to tell her … fuck, I don’t know what I want to say. Each part of me wants to say something different. To yell, beg, scream, and punch my way through this fucking nightmare. Tell her how she destroyed me, made me give up everything for her, only to have her take more.
“Why?” is the only word I’m capable of saying.
She stands unmoving letting my question hang in the air while my heart beats erratically.
“Why?” I ask again more forcefully. She needs to answer me. I step toward her and a smile crosses her perfect lips. “Goddammit, why?”
Her features soften, and as I get closer she finally says, “It wasn’t supposed to be.”
I stop moving and my eyes close in pain. Ice shoots through my veins leaving me frozen and void.
When I open them she’s gone.
All over again.
“Fox, what’s your view look like?” I ask trying to get the other half of the guys to give me a status update.
Nothing.
I try a different one. “Razor, do you copy?”
Silence.
“Bronzer, come in. What’s your status?” I look around trying to remain still since it’s daylight and I have no idea what the fuck is going on.
I turn to Mark and signal him to try. “Fox, Razor, Bronzer, do you copy?”
“We copy. We need to move. Out.”
Their location must be compromised. There’s no other reason they’d move in daylight. I signal to Aaron and Mark that we need to move.
“If they’re on the move, something’s wrong. Let’s take to the other side and we’ll meet them when it’s safe,” I say as we prepare to head out.
Everything feels rushed. Every moment feels like it’s on fast forward. We make it to the edge of the village and try to find a place to wait it out. We’re out of range to talk to the other three now, but Razor’s in charge. We’ve done enough missions together to know each other’s moves. If I were him, I would wait until the time we selected. We have our extract in three hours. It gives us about two hours to get what we need and get the fuck out of here.
I turn to Aaron, and before I can get a word out, the percussion of gunfire explodes in the air. We drop to the ground, ready to shoot back.
Pop. Pop. Pop.
Fast and steady, but it’s not close to us. We hear screaming and the continuous shooting on the other side of the village. Mark starts calling on the radio to the other half of our team, but we’re still out of range.
“Fuck this. We’re going in.” I grab my gun, and Mark and Aaron are on my heel.
“Muff, the left.” I take the guy out before he gets a shot off.
We fall out to the side of the building and start to creep in. I see them. They’re shooting, but they’re outnumbered. Everything happens in slow motion. I watch the bullet perforate Brian’s neck when he stands to take a shot. The stream of blood and the strangled scream he makes echo as he falls. Either Mark or Aaron shoots and kills another three men. We’re moving as fast as we can, but it’s too late. I eliminate another four by the time I reach Brian.
“Fuck. Hold on.” I squeeze his neck trying to stop the bleeding, but his eyes are fading. “Fuck. Call and get the extract in here now!” I scream as Aaron’s already radioing in our location. “Where is the rest of the team?”
“Jackson! Can you hear me?” Catherine is frantic. Why is she here? What is she doing here? No!
She has to get the fuck out of here. She’ll die.
Please God don’t take her too! I can’t.
“I have to leave soon, I need you to wake up before I go,” she whispers and I snap out of it.
Leave? What? No!
“Fight for me, baby.”
I’m trying. If only I knew how …