Days pass by and nothing changes. He doesn’t move or speak. I sit here wondering when or if he’ll wake. Will he be the same man he was?
Jackson’s mother arrived early this morning and she’s everything he described her as. Her warmth is evident even in the situation we’re currently facing. After she and Mark embraced, she took me into her arms and held me close. I hadn’t been sure what to expect, but it certainly wasn’t that.
“Mrs. Cole, do you need anything?” I ask timidly.
She smiles and places her hand on mine. “No, sweetheart. I’m okay, and please, call me Nina. I’m just waiting for him to stop being a stubborn ass and wake up.” Her sweet voice reassures me that she has all the faith we need.
I smile at her as she sits in the chair next to Jackson. I take the seat on the other side of his bed with the man we love in between us. I grab his hand and hold it, feeling the heat that reminds me he’s alive. The constant beeping of the machine gives me something steady to hold on to.
Beep.
Two seconds pass.
Beep.
One. Two.
Beep.
Nina clears her throat drawing my attention. “So tell me, how did you two meet? I wish I knew these things, but Jackson has been distant. His father and I are lucky to hear from him once every six months lately.”
She smiles, but even I can hear the undercurrent of disapproval at his lack of contact.
“I didn’t know he was being so …” I struggle to find the right word, because really, I wouldn’t know. We never had a meet-the-parents discussion. Not that my family would even require that.
“Oh, honey, it’s not your fault. I raised him better than this. Once he wakes up, I’ll give him hell, don’t you worry. Now, tell me about you and Jackson.” Her eyes are alight at the prospect of learning about us. Not that our story has a very happy ending at this point.
“Well, it’s kind of embarrassing … but I fell on him.” I giggle remembering that night at the restaurant. “I was out to dinner with my friends, and I tripped and literally fell into his lap. He asked me to have a drink, but I turned him down.”
“You did?” Nina smirks, and I blush.
“Yes, I wasn’t really ready to … I don’t know, date or contemplate dating anyone. I was hurt pretty badly by my ex. So the last thing I was looking for was a relationship,” I try to explain. Too bad I didn’t stick to that—it would’ve saved me some heartache.
Nina shakes her head in understanding. “Ahh, we all have one of those men, don’t we? Mine was right before Brendan. I swear I thought we had it all. There was always something keeping me back from going forward. However, as fools in love, we usually push forward against our better judgment. But then Brendan came along and showed me what true love was. So how did you and Jackson end up together?”
My voice softens as I tell our story. “Well, I’m a publicist and my company was bidding for Raven. I won the account and Jackson was thrown back in my life.”
“Sounds like fate intervened,” Nina says with the voice of wisdom.
Fate or Jackson Cole.
“Yes, it did. We both tried to fight our feelings but I fell all over again. He’s patient and understanding. He’s everything I need. It was like no matter how hard I tried, I somehow found myself unable to resist him.” I bite my lip and sniffle thinking about how much he owns me. “Sorry, I get a little emotional.”
“You love him,” Nina says as a statement.
“I do.” I don’t hesitate because it’s true. “But I don’t know how he feels anymore. He pushed me away when Aaron died. He told me we were done. I just … I couldn’t.”
“You don’t have to explain to me, Catherine. I understand these stupid, stubborn Cole men better than anyone. Jackson has a lot of issues from losing a lot of people he’s loved. You have to give him time. He’s one of those who feels the weight of the world on their shoulders. He’s always been that way. Even as a child. You’ll work it out—I have faith.”
That word again. Everyone is always saying to have faith. To trust in each other and our faith that things will work out. I’ve learned on more than one occasion it’s not always reality. Life has a way of slapping you in the face and then kicking you a few times just for good measure.
“Our relationship happened extremely fast,” I pause trying to figure out how to explain what’s in my heart. “It’s been a whirlwind, but I thought we were finally on the same page.”
Fate intervened again by rearing her ugly face. Reminding me what a cruel bitch she is and that I shouldn’t get too comfortable.
“When it’s meant to be, things have a way of working themselves out. Brendan and I separated once,” Nina says holding my gaze.
“Jackson never mentioned.”
“Jackson and Reagan were still young and they probably don’t know or don’t remember,” she explains. “I couldn’t take the deployments anymore. The nights of being alone, waiting and wondering. Then there was the fact that he was following his passions while I was stuck at home. I felt trapped.”
I’m stunned.
“Wow. What made you guys work it out?”
“I loved him. He was gone, but it wasn’t because he didn’t love me and the kids. It was quite the opposite. He hated being away. Loathed the times he missed, but he was willing to walk away from his dream for me. But I never wanted to be the reason he gave up the Air Force. I knew he would resent me at some point, if I forced his hand. Imagine knowing you were the reason he gave up his dreams. Give him time, honey. He’ll come around.”
“God, I hope so.”
I have to leave tomorrow. Despite my intention to stay, there’s talk about Raven and problems within the company that need to be dealt with. I got an email from my boss asking when I’d return, and I’m running out of excuses as to why I need to be here. Yes, he’s my client, but I don’t need to sit vigil by his bedside to manage the story. Nina and Mark are out talking to the nurses trying to get answers on the recent spikes in heart rate.
“Jackson,” I whisper, softly brushing his hair back. “Baby, I can’t do this. I don’t know what to think anymore. I need you. Please. Please, I’m so alone.” My heart is aching as I beg him. “I l-love you, Jackson. I love you. D-Do you remember the zoo? Remember how you held my hand and we walked through the park?” I pause as the memories of our time together start flooding back. “I remember every moment. I remember how it was when you left me too, and I can’t have it end like this. I can’t have the last memory I have of you being you walking away from me. I need you to love me. To choose me.” The steel in my voice hardens as I become more resolved. This has to work out. “I need you to wake up and be the man who watches movies with me, who holds me when I cry. I need more of that, Jackson. But I’m so scared. I’m so scared you’re going to wake up and push me away again—or not wake up at all. I’m terrified that this is it for us. I’m begging you—I …”
“Catherine, honey,” Nina says softly behind me.
I swipe my hand across my cheeks and take a calming breath. “Sorry. I’m just …”
There’s really nothing I can say at this point. It’s unclear when he’ll wake, and each day that passes, my hope dwindles.
“He’ll come through. You have to be strong.”
“I’m trying. It’s been so long. And I d-don’t want t-to …”
“Do you still have to leave?” his mother asks.
“Tomorrow morning. I have to go back.” The words taste bitter as they roll off my tongue. “There are things I can’t do from here. God, it’s ripping my heart out to leave him when he’s still …”
“I know. But you have to keep fighting.”
“I hoped he’d be awake by now. I don’t want him to think I wasn’t here.”
“Oh, Catherine, we would never let him think that,” Nina pauses. “Why don’t I come back later?” She gently pats my hand and grabs her bag.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I have some things I need to get done, and I think you need to talk to him. Now, don’t you leave without saying goodbye, okay?”
“Of course, thank you so much,” I say as she strolls out of the room.
I curl up on his bed careful not to touch any of the wires. I need to touch him, feel his body and warmth. Even if he’s not really here with me, it comforts me. All of the anger I held on to is gone. The fact that I could potentially lose him again erases the previous fight. He was so lost in the shock of that phone call and all I wanted to do was be there for him. Yet, he pushed me away.
My hand rests on his chest as I feel his heart beneath me. “I never got to tell you what happened while we were apart.” I use this time to tell him about the things we missed during our separation after the fight we had at my apartment. “I read the letter my father wrote me. The night I pushed you away after the fight with Neil, I figured, why not? And I opened it. I sat there on the floor and read everything I always needed to hear from him. He basically apologized for everything. After I got through the entire letter, do you know what I hated most?” I pause, letting the question remain unanswered by him. “That I was more upset about pushing you away. I hated myself for being so weak. For being so scared.” Jackson consumed me. He took a part of me I wasn’t sure I could give and it made me push against him. “How is that? This man who I’ve longed for since I was a kid gave me answers, yet all I wanted was you.”
And then he left me.
“I never believed in fate, but then I met you. Who falls on someone’s lap? I mean, that’s just crazy. But it happened.” I grab his hand and pull it to my chest, weaving our fingers together.
“Life has managed to slap us around a bit though. We keep fighting this current pushing us the wrong way. Yet here I sit, waiting, hoping, praying you’ll wake up and we’ll get back on course.” Leaning over gently, I press my lips against his cheek and then his lips. I wait, hoping in some ridiculous way I can break the spell. “I hope you know how much you own my heart. And I hate you for it. I hate that you’ve stripped me of my defenses and made me feel, when all I want to do is be numb. Then this wouldn’t hurt so damn much. I would be able to grab my bag and walk away. Let you fight your demons on your own.” I take a deep breath. “But instead I’d rather watch you breathe.”
Lying here with him, I relish in his touch. I focus on the man who showed me I was enough, who gave me the strength to love again. With Jackson, I can be me without fear. We both have a lot to overcome, but our love can endure it. He would never cheat or deceive me. Closing my eyes, I let the sound of his monitor lull me to sleep against his shoulder.
I hear the door open and someone moving around. My eyes open and I realize I fell asleep in his bed. Glancing at the sliding door I see the charge nurse enter smiling. Carefully, I climb out of his bed and instantly feel his loss. Being close to him gave me a small amount of solace.
“Sorry, honey, we need to take him for testing.”
“Is he okay?”
“They want to run some precautionary tests to make sure there isn’t something we’re missing,” she explains as she moves around the side of his bed.
“Should I be concerned?” I ask as my voice breaks.
She gives me a small smile. “The doctor will be in to talk to you and the rest of his family soon.”
I look back at Jackson and bite my fingernail hoping nothing’s wrong. It’s been eight long days that we’ve been waiting. The doctors thought he would’ve woken by now and had been worried about some irregularity in his heart. Suddenly, I see Jackson’s hand move.
“Did you see that?” I ask excitedly. “He moved,” I say to her, but she smiles and looks away.
“It was probably just a muscle spasm.”
The nurse moves his IV, dismissing what I swear I saw. As she moves over to check the paper on his heart monitor, I stare, waiting for something to happen again.
Suddenly, a noise jolts through the room.
Beeeeeeeeeeeep.
The sound echoes and time stops. Then everyone is in motion.
“He’s crashing!”
“Jackson!” I cry out.
Nurses are running.
“Code blue!”
“What’s going on?” I push against the nurse who’s lowering his bed.
I can’t breathe. Doctors are barking orders, running into the room, but no one will answer me.
“What’s happening?” I cry again, trying to get to him. He can’t die. “Do something!” I scream and the nurse holds me back.
I fight against her. This can’t be happening. “Calm down, Catherine.”
“Get the paddles,” the doctor orders the people around him.
My stomach falls and I want to die with him.
Please God … I’ll do anything. Please don’t take him from me. I can’t lose him too.
I sob and clutch my stomach as she pulls me back further. “Jackson, please! Fight!” I call out to him. Begging. Pleading.
“Get her out of here!”
“No!” I try to reach him. “Jackson!”
They push me out of the room and my hands find the cold, glass door. The curtain closes, blocking my view, and my world fades to black.