CHAPTER FOUR
Brand
“What made you decide that you wanted to move down here?” I asked Chris.
We were sitting around the fire pit that we had set up in between the two buildings that made up the compound. Beers in hand and to be honest, I had lost count of what number I was on. I didn’t have plans to go into the shop until late afternoon the next day, so I wasn’t all that worried. I didn’t make it a habit to get drunk, but every now and then I just needed the escape. It was late and it was just the two of us left sitting out here.
It’d been a week since he’d shown up here and he was still on the hunt for his perfect house on the beach. He had let it slip that the uncle that had passed had apparently been loaded. In other words, Chris didn’t need to worry with anything money wise for a long time. It wasn’t something he went around boasting about—in fact, I was pretty sure I’d been the only person he shared that part with. And despite having more money than he probably knew what to do with, the guy still took a job at the club bar when Iron had come to him about running the place. Since Chris had worked at Loch’s bar back in Moon Hill, and for the last two years had been pretty much managing the place, the job was perfect for him. And he seemed really excited about it, which was what mattered the most.
The happier he was, the more likely he’d stick around.
And I for sure wanted him to stick around for a long time.
The weekend had been slammed for me and the first of the week I was dealing with things at the shop and club business. So, this was really the first chance we’d had to sit down and talk.
“Honestly?” he asked as his head flopped to the side to look at me. “Everyone back home has their own stuff going on, you know? Reagan has Loch and now little Madelyn. Diesel has Ellie and Fate. My brother took off and I have a feeling he isn’t coming back anytime soon, especially now that he has the money to do what he wants. My sister has her family thing going on. And well, my parents went to do the old people thing in Florida. So, I figured why not and I like the beach. The beach has surfing, and I know I’m not that great at it but here is my chance to change that.”
We laughed. Chris didn’t give himself enough credit. I had been there the first time he hopped on a board and rode that tiny ass wave until he couldn’t anymore. He was a natural out there, so it really did make sense that he’d move this way to be closer to the water. Though, the waves here weren’t that great. I imagined that having a lot of friends here, mostly in the club, was the reason he chose here and not the other coast.
I could understand where he was coming from. Things had changed the last few years back in Moon Hill. Everyone there seemed more…settled. I could understand how it might be hard to be on the outside of all of that and not feel a bit…left out? Lonely? Awkward? Yeah, pretty much all of those things. I understood it because I had felt that too. That was maybe why I didn’t really have to think about it when Cal had offered me the new patch to help start up the new chapter.
“And you’re here. So there is that,” he added holding up his beer. I tapped the neck of my bottle with his then downed the last few swallows.
We sat in silence for a little while, both of our gazes focused on the popping fire, but it seemed like we both were a million miles away.
“She’s really happy,” he said, not moving to look at me. I didn’t have to ask who ‘she’ was and if I had it my way, we wouldn’t be talking about this.
“I know,” I said blinking my blurry eyes. “I’m happy for her. I really am. The thing is, everyone thinks I’m all heartbroken and pining over something that really never was. Did I have feelings for Reagan that were more than friendly? Yeah, sure. But look at the big picture, I was there with her when she was going through something that no one should ever have to go through. She broke in front of me and I was there to help her find her way back up. You honestly think if we’d gotten together after everything that it would have worked out?”
I didn’t need an answer but I still paused, taking in the words that I’d said. Maybe it was my drunk brain finally pulling the truth out of the dark corners because I’d never really allowed myself to think about it.
“Reagan is a strong woman, maybe a bit proud, too,” I said, continuing on. “The fact that I’d seen her in her weakest moments wouldn’t have really been a good foundation to build a relationship on with that type of person. She would have ended up building her walls higher and eventually pushed me away. And I’m not saying she would have done it intentionally. But that’s what would have happened, nonetheless.” I shrugged because there wasn’t really anything else to say at that point.
“Yeah, that’s true. I can totally see it.”
“And that’s ignoring the fact that her heart already belonged to someone else,” I added just to push the knife into myself a little harder.
“God, she’s so stupid for him,” he said with a short laugh. It was so true. In the end, Loch made her happy and that was all that I cared about. “And he’s no better. I could tell from the moment I saw those two together.”
I had to admit that it felt good to get that out. It was the truth, and saying out loud, as well as hearing the words, was like letting the weight fall from my shoulders.
“What I really miss is her friendship. That is the fucking truth. I care for her deeply, but I’m not in love with her.”
Chris turned his head and eyed me skeptically. It was kinda funny that we’d never really talked about it before this point. But hey, maybe he had avoided the whole thing just like I had.
“So if it isn’t you holding out for the love you can never have, then what is keeping you from letting your guard down and finding someone?” I wouldn’t lie, his question made me pause. Though I often wondered the same thing, I didn’t really have an answer for it.
“Maybe there’s something wrong with me,” I said with a laugh, though it didn’t feel like much of a joke. “Maybe I’ve been looking for the wrong things all along.”
What the hell was I saying?
I couldn’t tell you right then. It made no sense to me but it seemed like my brain was trying to take me down some strange path. And apparently, I had enough alcohol running through my veins to let it.
“What does that even mean?” Chris asked, his face holding an unsure expression.
“I mean,” I said wiping my sweaty palms on my jeans and sitting up straighter. “How did you know…that you like guys, too?”
“Oh, no.” He shook his head and tilted his bottle to the sky, emptying its contents completely into his mouth and taking it down with a hard swallow. Then he reached into the cooler beside him and pulled out two more beers, handing one of them my way. I took it and popped the top. “Okay, it’s all about attraction, I guess. Some women do it for me and some don’t. Same with guys. I guess it’s all about personality and chemistry. I can’t really explain it, but I can tell you that I don’t think that’s you—what you are questioning, I don’t think you need to.”
“Why?” I asked because I was suddenly really confused.
I looked at Chris for a long beat. I could see how he was cute. He had nice hair, that almost hipster thing going on, maybe mixed with a bit of surfer boy. His eyes were genuine and held a playful light in them. His lips were soft looking, and his bottom lip was full.
“I think you should kiss me,” I blurted out.
“What?!” He shook his head like I was being completely insane.
“We’re friends. I think you’re a pretty cool guy. Maybe I’m like half-gay or something. Or completely. How would I know if I haven’t even thought of it? Or tried it? It could be the thing I’ve been missing all along.”
“Oh, wow,” he said as he rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. “You’re drunk, Brand. I don’t think you know what you’re asking at this point. And I’m not even going to acknowledge the ‘half-gay’ thing.” He tried to laugh it off but I could hear the trepidation in his tone.
“No, I’m dead serious. If you kiss me and I feel nothing, then I have to have my answer, right? Because as close as I feel to you, there has to be at least a little spark there, right?”
“I can tell you without kissing you that you won’t feel anything. Matter of fact, I could probably tell you what it is that’s holding you back in your love life. You are too drunk for this. We both are.” He mumbled the last little bit.
“Just one. Doesn’t even have to last that long.”
Then he was up out of his seat and moving over to me.
I wasn’t expecting him to straddle my lap, but that was what he did. Awkwardness took over, like any other time I had been with someone, so I didn’t think anything of it. I didn’t know what to do, or where to put my hands, so I just sat there frozen.
“Why are you sitting on my lap?” I asked like an idiot.
“Because someone has to be the chick in this situation,” he answered with a huffed laugh.
“Is it really like that when you are with another guy? Like someone has to be the girl?” I was genuinely curious.
While we had talked about dates and such he had been on, I never really took the time to ask the questions that were always in the back of my mind. Maybe I was a little afraid of coming off as disrespectful or stupid. The last thing I ever wanted to do was create some sort of wedge or awkwardness between the two of us. So, I tended to keep my mouth shut. It honestly wasn’t like I cared either way. Chris was Chris, at least that was how I saw it in my mind.
“No, not usually, with me anyway. I’m with a guy to be with a guy. But I figured this would make you more comfortable.”
And before I could say anything else, his huge, rough hands were cupping my jaw and his lips were on mine.
Not gonna lie, the kiss was nice and sweet. He gave it his all, that was for sure. Even managed to sneak a little tongue in there, and because I was so awkward in any sort of situation like this, I might have given in and gave it back. He pulled back and looked down into my eyes.
Then we both laughed. Because it had been ridiculous. There was nothing there. There was no spark, no fireworks. There wasn’t even a hint of enjoying it. His lips were nice, but his light scruff rubbing up against my face just felt a little off. It wasn’t for me and I truly knew that now.
“Anything?” he asked, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand as he moved off my lap, then plopped back down in his seat.
“No, sorry, dude,” I answered truthfully. “It was a great kiss though. I mean, you do have some serious talent there.”
He laughed and bumped his knee against mine.
“You’re not so bad yourself.”
“You didn’t…we’re good, right?” Because the last thing I wanted to do was mess up our friendship. I guess I should have thought of that before. But then again, I was drunk and all.
“We’re good. I’m not harboring some secret crush on you and just realized I’m in love with your dumb-as-fuck ass.” He laughed and right then, I knew we’d be alright. “I can’t believe you.”
“Yeah, yeah. I know. So if I’m not gay then there has to be something wrong with me.” I let out a sigh as my head fell back.
“Nah, nothin’ wrong with you,” he said like he had all the answers. “You are just one of those deep romantic types. You love with everything you have in you and you don’t give that love to just anyone. You have to get to know someone and get past the surface level for you to even feel anything towards them. That’s why you don’t have random sex, because you need it to mean more.”
“Hmmm…” I hummed as I mulled over his words.
I thought back to my sad past of love.
There had been my high school girlfriend. We had waited six months before having sex, and when we finally both had, I’d thought we were both virgins. Turned out, I was the only one saving myself. She, in the meantime, had been giving it to my best friend. And then his brother. And then the whole football team. Yeah, it ended right after I found all of that out. And I really was heartbroken then because I was in love with her to the point I thought we’d get married and have babies and all that shit. I’d always chalked it up to being a stupid seventeen-year-old kid.
Then there was the girl that I started dating right after my dad died. I think that I was so grief-stricken and lonely that I was searching for anything to fill that hole. I did care for her, but not enough that I wanted to think about the future, and I think that set me on edge the entire relationship. But I couldn’t deny that she was amazing in bed. Wild and unafraid to tell me what she wanted. I would definitely have said that I learned a lot from her.
After that, was my one and only attempt at a hook-up, one-night stand type of thing. That one left me in a motel in the middle of nowhere with an empty wallet. And no, she wasn’t a prostitute! She played me and even I could admit that I was an easy mark.
But it wasn’t all that bad, because when my bike broke down a few miles after leaving that very motel, I ended up at a gas station that had a tiny garage attached to it. And when I explained that I didn’t have any money to fix my shit, the guys there patted me on the back and introduced me to their ‘brothers,’ then gave me a place to stay.
That was the moment I found that something that I was missing. The Steel Paragons MC became my new home and from the moment they let me prospect, I did everything I could to prove I was worthy of wearing their patch.
So that was my sad love-slash-sex life in a nutshell. Yes, you read that right, a total of three women. Not counting the whole Reagan thing. You could see why I was so all over the place and confused out of my mind.
“I’m going to bed,” Chris said as he stood and slapped my knee. “Don’t freak out about it so much. You’ll meet that special girl, and when you do the world will feel right.”
With that, he headed off. I killed the fire, making sure it was good and out, then headed to bed myself. The whole kiss thing long forgotten and all I could think about was how Chris had gotten it right. I was that guy, the overly romantic one. The one that had to have bells and whistles and fireworks and something real before I let my guard down. But I also wasn’t so desperate that I was searching and trying to find that in any and everyone. It would happen when it happened and that was what I let myself believe.