ONE

CASEN

I climb every step of the ten floors in Ian’s building, avoiding the elevator so I have more time to compose myself before seeing everyone. I went home, throwing the contents of the envelope everywhere, and took a moment before heading this way. I know today is going to take a toll on all of us, and I don’t want to face that any sooner than I have to. I’m sure the added weight of Embyr’s betrayal is written all over my face. I need to keep my focus on being there for Ian’s family and not let what she did compound everything else. Like at Embyr’s condo, my shoes feel as though they carry twenty extra pounds each.

I arrive later than I said I would and when I reach Ian’s floor, I find that his door is partially open. Soft cries can be heard coming from within. I take a deep breath and push my way inside, careful not to draw too much attention to myself. The door creaks, and the few that have already arrived look my way. All of their faces carry mutual somber expressions. His parents, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, are on the couch and a few people I don’t recognize are milling about. His dad’s eyes are overflowing with tears, and his silent sobs are shaking his body. It cuts me deep into my core. He’s always been a rock solid guy who rarely shows emotions. The weight of the situation makes him look ten years older than he really is with his graying brown hair mussed up in all directions. I can’t imagine how it feels to lose a son so suddenly and so violently.

“Casen.” Mrs. Smith exhales a tight breath before rising to her feet and opening her arms to me. I walk into them willingly, enveloping myself in her comfort while allowing her to cry on me. Soaking my shirt with the endless tears from losing her son.

“I just don’t understand.” She sobs.

My body starts to shake, and I can’t hold it in any longer. I allow every emotion I’ve suppressed to bleed out. I can no longer hold back the dam from opening up with the tears I’ve kept in for the past eight hours. Tears fall for the loss of Ian, and they fall for the loss of Embyr. “I don’t know, Mrs. Smith.” I draw her into me tighter. “I just don’t know.”

She takes her place next to Ian’s dad, and I sit on the coffee table in front of them. No one says a word but just being together is soothing. I feel as though I’m supposed to be doing a better job of comforting them but I don’t know how. Despite my best effort, I can’t keep my thoughts straight.

“Casen, do you mind grabbing me some water?” Ian’s mom asks of me.

I get up and fill two glasses before bringing them over, setting them down just as Ian’s phone rings on the coffee table. It sets off a chain reaction as Mrs. Smith loses all control and slides down to the floor. His dad leans down, enveloping her into his arms and combining his misery with hers.

I leave the glasses on the table and give them their privacy, picking up the phone and shutting it off. Surprised the police didn’t confiscate it, I place it in a basket on top of the kitchen counter for safe keeping. I lean my hands on top of the cold marble, dropping my head and praying to God to help this family through their grieving.

An hour later, Ian’s apartment starts to overflow with friends and family. Most carry food in with them, hoping it will comfort his parents. I look around saddened that it wasn’t too long ago that this place was crowded with some of the same people. We blasted music, drank, and laughed while we were celebrating his life. Now we come together to weep and mourn his death.

Reece arrives and through the sea of people points toward the patio. When I step outside I realize I should have come out sooner. It’s void of anyone but the two of us. I’m grateful for the reprieve from the soundtrack of anguish, if only for a moment. I thank him when he hands me a cup of Starbucks coffee and we stare out toward the city. The sounds of traffic and the people below are ignorant to the heartache looming above them. It seems crazy that people are still living their lives while I feel like mine is crumbling.

“I called the Captain.” Reece finally speaks, his voice fading out with each word. “He said to take as much time as we need.” I watch his handshake as he takes a sip of his coffee.

“Who is going to cover us?”

He takes a deep breath. “He said not to worry about it but if it’s longer than three days, we need to take an official leave.”

I nod, wondering how Reece can seem so unaffected when we just lost our best friend. We’ve both known Ian since grade school. Reece and Ian were closer than any of us, but then again, Reece didn’t also have his heart ripped out of his chest and dragged through the streets of Chicago by the woman he loves. Used to love. Maybe that’s why it seems like my world is crumbling.

“Have you told Embyr?” he asks.

Hearing her name out loud makes me physically ill. My stomach constricts, and I’m trying to keep the bile from rising in my throat.

“Yes,” I respond curtly, but I choose not to elaborate. I can’t lie to Reece and right now I really don’t want to tell him who Embyr actually is. I know him. He’ll ask way too many questions that I either won’t know the answer to or don’t want to think about at the moment. I just need to mourn the loss of my best friend and try to forget that I ever met Embyr. Or Annie. Whatever her fucking name is.

Seeming to get the hint, he changes the subject. “You look like shit.”

I take in his head to toe appearance. Where I could use a stick of deodorant, he looks as though he just jumped out of the shower. He’s recently used a razor where I have some day old scruff going on. I feel drained and defeated, but him…

“Fuck you, asshole.” I shove my elbow into his arm, careful not to spill any coffee. “Sorry I don’t look like I was on the cover of GQ hours after losing my friend.”

Reece’s head drops and shakes from side to side. “I just needed to feel normal for a minute. Wash everything away.”

I directed a hardened stare at him. “Nothing about today is normal, Reece. I don’t think we’ll ever feel normal again.”

The sliding glass door opens and Ian’s sister, Kate, peers through the opening. Her face is splotchy and swollen. I set my coffee on the patio table and walk over, widening the door and pulling her through it and into my arms. She must have just arrived since I hadn’t spotted her before we came out there. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen little Kate. After high school, she went to the University of Michigan and ended up finding a job in the northern suburb of Lake Forest. I’m in awe at how much she has matured since the last time we hung out. Her soft body molds to mine gently. A floral scent infiltrates my senses and calms me. “I’m so sorry, Kate.”

She hiccups a sob and burrows herself into my shoulder. I hold her not nearly long enough before Reece clears his throat from behind us. She hastily releases me and wraps her arms around him for a quick hug.

A few rogue tears stray and she brushes them away with her fingers before using her light purple, long sleeve shirt to wipe underneath her nose. With a sniffle, she points back toward the apartment. “The police are here. We have to leave.”

“What?” Reece and I both say simultaneously while walking back toward the patio door.

Arriving inside we find uniformed officers going over a piece of paper with Ian’s mom. Her face is laced with fear as she holds it out toward us. “They don’t think it was random.” She cries. “They think it was someone he knew.”

I take the paper from her, reading the search warrant quickly before handing it back.

My whole body tenses at the thought that someone who knew Ian may have wanted him dead. To believe it was random and a stranger is tough, but if it was someone he was acquainted with, well that’s not something I can wrap my mind around.

The officers, apparently done with the niceties, attempt to herd us out like cattle.

I walk over to Jackson, an officer I’m familiar with. “What’s going on, man?”

He shakes his head. “I wish I could tell you. We’re all torn up about Ian, but all I can say is this place needs to clear out.”

I nod and join Reece and Kate in the hallway. Ian’s parents and everyone else have already taken the elevator downstairs. Neither of them says a word but from their expression, I know they are just as confused and concerned as I am. Who would be so cold and heartless to do this to Ian?

As we wait for the elevator to arrive on our floor, Kate turns to me. “Are you going home?” Her deep brown eyes are bloodshot and vulnerable. Her light blonde hair piled high on top of her head. She looks utterly distraught.

“I’m headed that way now.” My answer comes out thick, so I clear my throat.

She pulls on the bottom of her shirt, looking nervous. “Can I go with you? I just can’t be around my parents right now. All I want to do is lay down. They’ll want to talk and I don’t have it in me.”

I don’t blame her. I’m exhausted and want to do the same but I hesitate to say yes, knowing Embyr might hate it.

I still for a moment, paralyzed by the gut-wrenching realization that I almost forgot her deceit. It creeps back in. Who fucking cares what Embyr would think? Kate is hurting, and I’m not going to turn her down. She needs a place to mourn in her own way.

“Sure,” I tell her, just as the elevator doors slide open.

Reece side eyes me once we step inside. “Maybe you should call Embyr.”

Kate looks between the two of us. “Who is Embyr?”

Reece answers before I can. “Embyr is his girlfriend.”

She turns to me. “You have a girlfriend?”

I look straight at Reece. “Not anymore.”

At first he looks confused and then his face contorts into a look I’ve never seen before, one that I can’t seem to place.

The elevator dings, inviting us to exit, and I tug on his jacket as he walks in front of me across the lobby.

“What was that look for, Reece?” I quietly ask, not to alarm Kate. Something is up and I don’t like it. It makes me seethe with rage.

He shakes his head and attempts to shrug me off him. “What look, Casen?”

I grip him tighter. “You know.”

“No. I don’t fucking know.” He shoulders himself out of my grasp and gives me a hard stare before walking off.

Reece and I have been friends for a long fucking time. He’s lying and I know it.

***

Kate walks into my apartment ahead of me and stops in the middle of the entryway. “Were you robbed?”

I look around at my exceedingly disheveled place. The lamp I broke still lies in pieces while my mail is scattered across the floor. I walk over, picking up the graduation picture, and shove everything into the envelope Ian had sent me before Kate sees it. The knot in my stomach returns again over his loss. “No, I wasn’t robbed. Just pissed.”

She circles the living room, her blonde hair starting to fall from the ponytail holder. I can’t help but observe how much growing up she has done in the past couple years. She is three years my junior but I couldn’t help notice how beautiful she was back in high school. Ian warned me to keep my hands off her, but it never mattered. I wanted Annie back then.

Her body looks like that of a runner and the tight Capri workout pants she is wearing shows it. She catches me checking her out, making me feel like a huge asshole but doesn’t say anything. I chastise myself for shamelessly taking in her body.

“Do you want anything to eat or drink?” I ask, attempting to get myself to go in one direction as opposed to three different ones.

“No, I think I just want to lie down.”

I nod and show her where the guest bedroom and bathroom are. “Make yourself at home. If you need anything, just let me know.”

She turns from the doorway to the bedroom and wraps her arms around my waist. “Thank you, Casen.”

“You’re welcome.” I kiss the top of her forehead and let her go.

Walking back into my living room, I sigh at the sight of papers scattered everywhere. After picking them up, I grab the broom from the kitchen and sweep up the glass from the lamp before cracking open a beer and falling into the sofa. The ice cold liquid slides down my throat, instantly relaxing me. I didn’t realize how tense I had been. All of my muscles ache. I’m sure walking up ten flights of stairs didn’t help. My head falls backward on the edge of the couch and my eyes involuntarily shut.

“What a fucking day,” I whisper to myself.

I’ve been hit with two crushing blows today and I don’t know which one to focus on first. My mind switches between them at an alarming pace. One minute I’m angry with Embyr. The next I’m missing her touch. The next I’m mourning the loss of one of my best friends, and then angry at whoever did this to him.

I can’t even believe the police think it’s someone Ian knew. How? What leads them to that conclusion? I’d almost bet it was someone he was tailing or working for. He had some pretty shady clients from the stories he had told me. I just hope they find the motherfucker and fast. We can’t get Ian back but we can nail the asshole that did it to the wall.

Then there’s Embyr. What about her? I know it’s going to take a long time to get over what she has done. Was she trying to make me fall in love with her and then crush me? If that was her intent, she made good on it. I’ve never fallen for someone as fast as I did with her. She was sweet and spicy all in one. We not only matched on an emotional level but the physical connection was off the charts. She liked it just as dirty as I did. Or maybe that was a game too. She was trying to make it seem as though we were perfect for each other on every level. I just don’t know what is real anymore.

I decide to pull my phone out of my pocket and take it off silent. The break from it has been nice. I see I’ve missed three calls from my mom, four from Embyr and one voicemail, but it’s the seven texts that have my heart racing.

Embyr: Casen, please come back.

Embyr: Can you pick up your phone? I want to talk.

Embyr: I’m so sorry.

Embyr: Please forgive me.

Embyr: You have to let me explain. Please. I’m begging. Fifteen minutes, Casen.

Embyr: I want to be there for you.

Embyr: I love you.

I pretend that those messages aren’t affecting me and hit my voicemail. God has mercy on me because it’s from my mom. I don’t think I could hear Embyr’s voice right now. It’s bad enough I had to read what she wrote.

“Casen.” My mom softly cries. “I just heard about Ian. You must be devastated. Call me back. I love you, son.”

My mother’s voice has a calming effect on me. Even if it’s just for a brief moment I feel as though I can breathe. It can’t last because I can’t ignore Embyr. I’m not that guy.

Me: I’m sorry too.

She replies almost immediately.

Embyr: Let me come over to talk.

Me: No.

Embyr: Tomorrow?

I don’t answer her. I can’t give in. She tore me to shreds. I’m not sure when or how I can forgive what she’s done.

“Casen?” Kate appears in front of me. My eyes slide up her bare legs to her purple shirt that hardly covers her boy short underwear. My gaze finds hers and she has tears falling down both cheeks. “Can you just hold me?”

I pat the spot next to me, not wanting to deny a sister grieving her brother. She slips in beside me, her head falling into my lap, and I grab the blanket over the back of the couch and place it over her body.