TWO

EMBYR

The day is frigid, and the sun has yet to make an appearance from behind the graying clouds. The weather conditions are fitting for a wake. Dark and bleak. I step out of Trinity’s car and adjust my black pencil skirt. She stares at me over the roof and gives me an encouraging smile despite my apprehensiveness. I don’t know what I would have done without her the past couple days. She has not only been my rock but also my inside informant. My link to Casen – because despite what he said, I’m not giving up. I can’t. I’ve fallen so hard for him, and I know we can get through this. I’m just not sure he is ready to see me, or if this is an appropriate time for our first meeting since the shit hit the fan. Which explains why I’m shaking with nerves.

Tomorrow Ian’s family will lay him to rest in the same cemetery that my parents are buried in. It was just three days ago that he passed and even though initially I wasn’t sure I should come, Trinity asked that I attend with her. Reece stayed in his childhood home last night so I told her I’d come up here with her. She wanted to be here and support Reece but knew there was a chance he would be busy. I don’t want Casen to think I came to push him into a corner. I’ve texted him a few times over the past couple days, but he still refuses to see me. I conveniently left out the fact, during my many texts, that I would be here today. I didn’t want him to tell me not to come. I came to pay my respects and to support my best friend who didn’t want to do this alone. However, I am anxious to see Casen.

Trinity and I haven’t talked much about her conversations with Reece. I’m not even sure Reece knows I told Trinity everything. That’s not anything I want to bring up.

I was going to chicken out and offer to stay in the car but I knew she would just push me to get out. Now we are making our way down the sidewalk toward the funeral home. I hate these places. They bring back terrifying memories for me from the loss of my parents. They were older though. Ian was so young. Sadness creeps in and I start to tear up for the loss of him. Even after what he did to me back in high school, it was a life cut too short. It was senseless. This morning they had a news conference to update everyone on the investigation. They believe it was someone he knew. I just can’t imagine.

As we step off the path and shortcut through the dampened grass, my heels sink. I hold onto Trinity for support. I’ve never been so nervous in my life. The white double doors are propped open and I can’t look up when we enter. I’m afraid of what Casen’s eyes will hold once they meet mine. Will they still be angry? Will they be forgiving? I hope like hell they are the latter.

I glimpse over at Trinity. She looks well put together wearing a knee length sundress with a navy blue cardigan. It’s the most modest I have ever seen her. Even her makeup is minimal. I, on the other hand, look like a train wreck. I’ve held it together at my new job at the Caliber Hotel during the day but cry for hours on end at night. My eyes are bloodshot and I have probably lost a couple of pounds. My dark shift dress is looser than normal and no large amount of concealer will hide the new, dark circles.

Trinity taps my arm and whispers, “He’s not here yet.”

My nerves spike. I was almost prepared to see him right away but now I have to sit here and wait, not knowing when he will show up. My stomach has been in constant knots. I squeeze my hands together to calm the shaking.

The funeral home is filled with friends and family, growing as more people filter in behind us. I spot Mr. and Mrs. Smith sitting in the seats in front of Ian’s casket. It’s closed, which leads me to believe the gunshot was somewhere very visible and they couldn’t make him look appropriate for an open casket. Mrs. Smith is looking up at an older lady who seems to be consoling her. Their hands are clasped, and Mr. Smith has his arm loosely draped around his wife.

I glance around the rooms, looking to see if I recognize anyone. I’m not even sure any of the PITCREW members, besides Casen and Reece, will attend. I don’t know if Ian kept in contact with anyone else. There is no one I see that sparks a memory except for a beautiful blond who is sobbing in the corner of the room. Her black skirt suit hugs her slender body as she wipes her tears from under each eye, and then blows her nose. I try to place her but come up short.

I observe a few uniformed police officers scanning the room. If they think it was someone whom Ian was associated with, they must be looking at all of us as prospective suspects. I search the room as well, now with new eyes – ones that look for clues as to who could have done this.

Trinity drags me by my forearm away from my investigation, and we make our way through the other mourners, toward Ian’s parents. The older lady has started to walk away and Trinity takes her place. “Mr. and Mrs. Smith.” She greets them, extending her hand. “My name is Trinity. I’m Reece’s friend.” They both silently take her hand. She motions to me next to her. “And this is Embyr. She’s Casen’s girlfriend. We’re both so sorry for your loss.”

I cringe at her introduction. That is something that I don’t want to delve into. What if they say something to him when he arrives?

“Nice to meet you both,” his mother responds, wiping a rogue tear from her face. “I’m glad those boys have found some beautiful ladies. They are both like sons to me.”

Mrs. Smith was always nice to me back in high school. Her husband knew my dad. They had all gone to high school together. When the video came out of me having sex with their son, I remember seeing them in the grocery store. Mr. Smith had turned and walked away. However, Ian’s mom had found me a few aisles over. She didn’t say a word. She just pulled me in for a hug and apologized. I felt like the world was against me, and she was always so nice.

Her tears come down like a waterfall and the beautiful blond I noticed before comes to Mrs. Smith’s side, embracing her and ignoring the two of us. Seeing her with Mrs. Smith sparks a memory. Kate. Ian’s sister. I always thought she was the sweetest. She was with Ian’s parents in the store that day. She didn’t say a word but never seemed to join in with the mob of haters. His whole family had been nice. Except Ian. Asshole. I inwardly scold myself for thinking badly of a dead man. A dead man whose wake I am currently attending. I take a few deep breaths to get myself straight.

We leave his family so the next person can express their sympathy, walking past the casket to the adjacent room. I spot Alexia and Aaron. Even though I just saw her last week when I had lunch with Trinity and the both of them at Ian’s party, it seems like that was forever ago. Now, her pregnant belly is more obvious to me and I smile at the new life being formed. Her hands are cradling it as though it is now outside the womb and her husband has his arm around her shoulders. Their faces are forlorn and somber. I didn’t know Aaron in high school but Alexia and I were in classes together. I have a feeling she may have recognized me, and I don’t even think if, at this point, she asked I would deny it. My body feels almost relieved that my secret is out, despite losing Casen.

We are halfway to the refreshments when Trinity missteps. “Maybe this was a bad idea,” she whispers.

I raise my head, looking through the throngs of people when I zero in on Casen walking through the double doors. He doesn’t see me yet but I see him, and it rattles me. I feel like at any moment my stomach will reject the small snack I ate on the way here. I haven’t seen him since he left me on the bathroom floor. The light filters in from behind him giving him an angelic look but also a very lost look. I want to bring him into my embrace and comfort him because I can see he is hurting. His unshaven face has produced a short beard, and it frames it nicely. He’s wearing a white dress shirt and textured black tie underneath a dark suit.

Reece is by his side, seemingly holding Casen up. From my view, it looks like he may have had a few drinks before they arrived.

Reece’s frustrated eyes scan the room, coming to Trinity through the crowd before they zero in on me. His eyebrows morph into a scowl as he shakes his head in disbelief. Casen detaches from him, without spotting us, and walks toward the room where Ian lies. Reece takes the opportunity to stride toward us.

He looks at me but I know he is speaking to Trin. “Hey. Thanks for coming.” He checks his watch. “I’m sorry I’m late.”

She wraps her arms around his body and squeezes him. “It’s fine. We’re okay.”

His gaze never leaves mine as he kisses her gently on the forehead. The last time I had a conversation with Reece he owned up to releasing the video accidentally. I feel like he was remorseful when we spoke. Casen had said both Reece and Ian later became ashamed of what they had done. I want to forgive them all. That is something I have come to terms with over the past couple days. I can’t live my life feeling like I have a tight grip around my neck that won’t allow me to breathe. If I forgive them, and I get Casen to forgive me then I know my lungs will be able to hold enough air to thrive. Right now I am just surviving. I miss Casen. I miss his touch. I miss his aggressiveness. I miss him bringing me to the brink. I miss us.

My eyes scan the room, trying to give Trin and Reece a moment of privacy, hoping I can avoid Casen at all costs. I spot Alexia and Aaron, again, in the corner whispering to one another. I’m not scared of being found out anymore. I’m more nervous about the confrontation I’ll face when they find out I’ve lied to them about who I was. Imagine if Patrick or Wesley knew. I clutch my stomach at that thought. It’s terrifying.

Reece releases Trinity, releasing their clasped hands. “I should go pay my respects. I’ll be right back.”

Trin turns to me, her eyes widening. “Are you okay? You look pale.”

I shake my head to rid the dark thoughts of a Patrick retaliation infiltrating my mind. “Yeah. I mean, no. I shouldn’t have come here. Would it be okay if I left? I’m sorry. I know you want me here but it’s just too much for me.”

“Okay.” She squeezes my right hand, comforting. “Let me see if Reece can take me home later.”

She disappears to follow Reece into the other room. I feel horrible leaving her but I can’t stay any longer. As if being here wasn’t torture enough, it’s what Casen is doing that solidifies my decision to get the fuck out of here. His arms are wrapped around Kate in an embrace. She seems to be soothing him as much as he is consoling her. Just seeing him touching another woman feels like a knife is being twisted into my heart. I’m supposed to be the one by Casen’s side. I’m the one who should have him in my arms, telling him that everything will be okay.

I look away, grabbing my arms tightly. Everyone is with someone and I’m standing here alone, with no one. The room starts to tilt and goose bumps prickle my skin. I feel as though eyes are on now me, and the walls are closing in. My heart begins to beat harder and faster, and I’m sure at any moment it will burst through my ribs and out of my skin. A panic attack is creeping up my body from my toes to my lungs. I have to get out of here.

Making a mad dash for the doors, I push past the crowd of people who are attempting to get inside. I hear grumblings about how rude I’m being but I don’t care. If I don’t breathe in some fresh air I might have this attack inside the walls of this funeral home. No one wants to see that, especially me.

Once outside, I find the clouds have dissipated slightly and the vitamin D of the sun hits my face. I relish in the heat for a moment before I inhale a lung full of fresh air and fall back against the bricks of the building.

Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

My eyes shut, and my head drops to my chest when I finally start to calm. My inhales and exhales have returned to normal but it doesn’t last long.

“Embyr.” He calls.

Casen.

The sound of his voice is like lightning to my body. All my senses switch to high alert. I can hear the muttering of those around us and the birds chirping. I can see the rapid rising and falling of his chest, and his clenched fists. I can smell the rain that fell earlier, dampening the ground. The brick wall feels harsh against my arms, and I can only speak his name like a breathless whisper. “Casen.”

He hesitates before shortening the distance between us with purpose. He traps me against the wall, his face growing ever closer until its mere inches from my own. He still owns my body. That much I know from its draw to his. His breath caresses my cheek, one, two, three times until his soft voice finds my ears. “What are you doing here?”

My voice comes out small and timid. “I wanted to pay my respects to Ian.”

His nose travels down the side of my neck, and he inhales when it meets my shoulder. “I could sense you were here. You make me weak, Embyr. I want to be strong.”

My eyes flutter shut. “Casen. I’m so sorry.”

He pushes off the bricks, giving himself a good three feet between the two of us now. The veins in his neck are popping out. My body is still in overload from the small tease of contact he just gave me. A switch flips and he’s gone from desperate to angry.

“No!” he harshly whispers, pointing a finger at me. “I can’t have you here.”

“Casen.” I step closer to him, begging. “Please.”

“You don’t get to be here while I mourn my friend.” His voice rises. “Leave!” The forlorn look is replaced by disgust. When I don’t budge his command gets louder. “LEAVE!”

In an instant, Trinity is by my side and Reece has Casen’s bicep. “You okay?” she asks checking my face for who knows what.

“Annie is just fine, Trin.” He sneers. “Or are you in on this too? Is your name even Trinity?”

Reece pulls Casen back. “Don’t, Casen. Not here, not now.”

Casen shrugs him off and Trinity takes a protective stance in front of me.

“Go.” Casen growls, just before he falls to the ground.

Without a word, Trinity hands me her keys, and I waste no time running to the car, but not before I hear Casen tell Reece, “I love her, man. How could she do this to me?”