THREE

CASEN

Four days. That’s how long it has been since I’ve seen her face. I thought I could deal with it if she came here today but if the wet grass dampening my pants is any indication of how well I am handling it, then I was way fucking wrong.

I feel so many mixed emotions. I want to pull her body into me and tell her how much I love her, which surprises the shit out of me. I thought I had the mindset now to just let her go, but then she spoke. Just hearing her say “please” sparked the memory of her in her apartment begging me to understand why she was doing the things that she was doing.

“Casen, man.” Reece tugs on my arm. “Get up.”

Unwillingly, I rise to my feet and straighten myself out, noticing a dozen or so people watching me. They heard me profess my love for someone deceitful. They don’t know the things she has done, so I just look like a goddamn fool.

Reece pats me on the shoulder. “Let’s go next door and get a drink.”

I nod because I can’t get myself together inside of a funeral home. “Okay, but I need to let Ian’s parents know.”

He follows me in, and I spot Kate sitting between her parents silently praying so I give them a moment before I interrupt.

“Mr. and Mrs. Smith,” I quietly say to them. “I’m going to head out.”

Mrs. Smith stands up and pulls me into her. She is warm and thankfully her tears have stopped flowing, for now. I doubt there will be a day that she doesn’t cry for the loss of her son. I hug her tighter with that thought. She lessens her hold and looks up to me. “I got to meet your girlfriend Embyr.” She smiles. The first smile I have seen from her in the past couple days.

“Oh, she’s not…”

She squeezes me firmly again. “I am so happy for you, Casen. You deserve to be happy and she is beautiful. Bring her to dinner sometime.”

I can’t tell her Embyr isn’t mine. I don’t want to have that discussion. I just nod and turn to Mr. Smith, shaking his hand.

“Am I okay to stay at your house tonight again, Casen?” Kate asks after a quick side hug.

I kiss the top of her forehead. “Of course. You shouldn’t have a problem getting in.”

I gave Kate the key to my place the other day. She’s been staying at my house since she arrived from Lake Forest. Though she could stay at her parents, she wanted to have somewhere to go to mourn in her own way without having to go back to her empty apartment. I offered to let her stay at my place for the duration of her stay.

Reece says his goodbyes as well and I take one more look at the closed casket, tapping a hand on it before we leave.

The restaurant next door has an adjacent parking lot to the funeral home so we walk over, leaving our cars where they are. I was able to time my arrival with Reece so I didn’t have to walk into the wake alone. I didn’t think for even a moment that Embyr would be there.

“I don’t understand why you said that to Trinity,” Reece says as we walk through the crowded restaurant.

I shrug noncommittally. “I’d say I’m sorry but right now I don’t even know what’s real anymore.”

We pull out stools at the bar in the back of the restaurant. “Do you want to tell me what’s going on with Embyr? You haven’t said a word about it all week.”

The bartender takes our drink orders before I answer. “I don’t even know how to tell you this, Reece.”

His face is stone. Unmoving. He is just waiting for an explanation. I haven’t told him about Embyr’s and my break up.

“You know how I called Embyr ‘Annie’?”

He nods, looking down into his glass.

“Embyr is really Annie Barnes.”

Nothing. No intake of breath. No gasp. No wide eyes. Reece is like a statue, not bothering to look me in the face. I’m confused. I would think that Reece would have some sort of response to finding out that Embyr is really Annie. THE Annie.

Then it clicks. “You knew!” I yell, pushing myself up and away from the bar. “You fucking knew the whole time.”

Reece stands up too. “Wait, wait, wait. No, man. I didn’t know the whole time. Sit back down.”

When I don’t he continues. “Ian told me last week when he came into the firehouse.”

I rack my brain to recall when he was there and I remember him pulling Reece into another room. I shake my head. “Why didn’t you all tell me then?”

He sighs as I sit back down. “He wanted me to talk to Embyr and tell her that she needed to be the one to tell you. I spoke to her the night we all met at the bar. The night before Ian…that night. I told her I knew and that she needed to confess to you as soon as possible. Otherwise, you would find out when Ian sent you the information.

I look down at my intertwined fingers. “Why are you so calm about this, Reece? You know she was trying to get back at us. You were right. You were right the other day when you said it was weird that members of the PITCREW were having these life altering things happening to them. She was behind it all. She admitted to it! You don’t even know what she was going to do to you. How can you be so calm?”

When he doesn’t answer right away I look over, finding him staring off. “I released that tape, Casen. It was an accident but I released it and even though what she was doing was wrong, I probably would have deserved whatever it was that she had planned.”

That doesn’t need a response. I have always known that Reece may have been the one behind the tape getting out. It was his study group that had been forwarding it to everyone they knew. It was at his home. It was on his computer. Of course he was somehow responsible. This is the first time he’s ever admitted to it.

“When Ian told me he found out who Embyr really was, I knew I needed to get her to admit everything to you. I thought it would hurt more if you found out from Ian. I guess it didn’t matter. You broke up with her anyway.”

“I didn’t find out from Embyr,” I tell him. “I got Ian’s mail the morning he passed away, and before I went to her condo. All I wanted that morning was to be near her but then I opened that envelope and my entire world changed.”

“That sucks, Casen. I’m sorry.”

We finish our beers and order another round.

“Do you think she loves you? Like, really loves you and not just a game?”

My mind reels at his question. Does she love me? I’ve had a lot of time to think about it over the past couple days. Even with Kate in my house, it’s been very lonely. Quiet. I can do nothing else but think. When I left her at her condo, I was sure she wasn’t in love with me but the more I thought about it and dissected every single moment in our so-called relationship, I started to think maybe, just maybe she was. At the beginning, she seemed stand-offish. Like she couldn’t tolerate being near me but always seemingly attracted to me, and then something shifted. It was like a light bulb went off and our relationship started to just be easy. She was letting go and letting me in. I was all hers. She had me wrapped from the moment I saw her in Jedi’s. Maybe it was because subconsciously I knew. It’s quite a mind fuck to realize that you fell in love with two women, without realizing they were one in the same.

“I’m fucking sure she does.”

“Okay.” He turns his body toward me. “Then why are you pushing her away? You love her?”

“Because she betrayed us all, Reece!” I yell, slamming my hand down onto the bar. “I love her but I don’t want to.”

“Casen, look at me man.” He commands and I listen. “Yes, she was trying to fuck over us all and in the process, she fell for you. Just like back in high school. Annie, or Embyr, or whatever her name is always had such a strong connection with you. I saw it. Everyone could see it. Everyone but you. What we did?” He shakes his head. “It was so wrong and excuse me for being blunt here but you stood by and watched it happen! For her to still fall in love with you all these years later, in the middle of some diabolical plan to get back at us should tell you something.”

“What? What could that tell me, Reece? That she’s weak?”

He shakes his head. “No. She isn’t weak. If she loves you, even after you stood by and watched us do terrible things to her, then she forgives you. Why can’t you do the same?”

Everything is hazy. Reece is right. If she can forgive me, why can’t I let this go? Shouldn’t love conquer all? “She willingly set out to ruin all our lives! I just can’t get over that. Not yet. I need time. I keep thinking about the past couple weeks and she had more than a few opportunities to tell me what was going on. I even told her the story about what happened back in high school! She saw Ian’s text about Annie for Christ’s sake. So many missed opportunities.”

“I’m mad too. I wish that things went differently. We just have to deal with the cards we are dealt and right now you’ve been dealt a shitty hand. We’ve just lost a best friend and on top of that, you’ve lost a girlfriend. I can’t imagine. I’m just so sorry...” he trails off before adding, “for everything.”

***

It’s close to nine p.m. when I stumble into my home. Reece and I had our fair share of beers and a couple Ubers were called. I needed to get home and get rest before the funeral tomorrow. I find Kate eating a sandwich on the couch.

“You looked tanked.” She half-heartedly giggles before moving to the far end of the couch, giving me ample room.

“I’m sorry I left the wake,” I slur, slouching into the back of the couch.

She shrugs. “It’s okay. It all seemed like an endless line of people wanting to express their condolences. After a dozen or so, they all start to blend in with one another.”

I nod but don’t answer.

“Do you want me to make you a sandwich?” she asks. I look over and take her in. She’s wearing an oversized sweatshirt and shorts that barely cover anything.

“I’m okay. I should be taking care of you. You just lost your brother.”

She rolls her eyes. “I’m so tired of people trying to take care of me. I can’t tell you how many times people offered to get me food.”

I shrug. “They are just trying to make things easy for you. Help where they can.”

“I know. I just wish for once people wouldn’t treat me like I’m fragile.” She stands and deposits her plate in the sink before walking over to my bar. “Want a shot? I could really use a shot.”

Sitting up straight, I nod. Why the hell not?

Four shots later, Kate and I are telling embarrassing stories about Ian. I’m way past drunk and headed into trashed. A knock at the door halts our laughing and Kate offers to answer it. I go into the kitchen and pour myself some water before hearing the commotion.

“Why are you here?”

“Well, you came to this house, why are you here?” Kate responds. “Who the hell are you?”

“Casen’s girlfriend!” I hear Embyr answering back, and I drop my plastic cup onto the floor. Not sure if it’s the shock of hearing Embyr’s voice for the second time today or the alcohol. Probably both.

At my door is Kate, barely dressed, in a standoff with Embyr.

Kate scoffs. “Casen doesn’t have a girlfriend.”

Embyr peers past her, looking beautiful yet so very broken and finds me staring back. “Didn’t take you very long, huh, Casen?”

She turns away from the door. Maybe it’s the alcohol or the talk with Reece, but I take off and run after her. Kate lets me by as I race past her in all my alcohol infused glory. I hear my door shut behind me just as I catch up to Embyr. I grab her upper arm, stopping her in her tracks, and turn her to face me. “What are you doing here?”

She rips her arm away from me. “I came here to talk to you.” Looking past me she adds, “But I see you’re busy. And you smell like a bar!”

My eyes widen. “Are you serious? You can’t come over here and pitch a fucking fit after I found out what you’re doing!” My voice booms off the hallway walls. My conversation with Reece is long gone. She makes me so fucking angry.

“Was.” She states, her shoulders slump.

“Was, what?”

She nervously shifts from foot to foot. “Was doing. I was doing all that stuff. Not anymore.” Her gaze searches mine. “Things changed.”

My heart starts to beat one hundred times faster. She can’t do this. She can’t seep into me and make me forget all the bullshit she did. What she put me through. What she put my friends through.

“I don’t care. You need to leave.” I point toward the elevators. She needs to do it soon before I pull her into my arms. My heart and alcohol are leading this conversation and not my brain. I need to rectify that.

“Do you still love me?” she asks, tears cascading down the side of her cheek. “I heard you tell Reece you did outside the funeral home.”

I take a moment to think about what I should say. I don’t want to give her the satisfaction. I want to hurt her just as much as she hurt me. I want to lie, but I can’t. “I still love you.”

Embyr lessens the gap between us, reaching out, looking for comfort. I step back, out of reach and watch her hand fall lifelessly to her side. “You have to go,” I tell her again.

“Are you sleeping with her?” Her breasts graze against my chest. I can feel myself becoming one with her.

I lean in real close, inhaling her scent. “If I was, it wouldn’t be any of your business.”

She shudders. “I miss you, Casen.”

I’m so drawn to her that I can’t help what comes next – I grab her by her neck and crash my lips to hers. They are soft, relenting, as I push my tongue inside and infuse it with hers. The tenseness in her body releases as she grabs my shirt and pulls me deeper into her.

“Embyr,” I whisper across her lips, blissful. But that only lasts a moment.

Not Embyr. Annie.

I pull myself away from her. “Leave.” I command.

She stands there as I walk back into my place, closing the door on us. On her.