Iona held Mads in her arms and listened to the faint sound of music coming from the kitchen. Diana Krall singing “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”. The jazzy sound of her voice gave the song a bluesy feel and suited the way she felt right now.
Sex had changed everything for her. Making her very aware that the relationships she’d had in the past had been almost superficial. There hadn’t a man who’d made her feel what Mads had just now.
But Mads hadn’t looked up at her since he’d come and she was holding on to him a little too tightly. She knew it so she forced herself to rub her hand up and down his back. He turned his head and she felt his lips lightly brush over the curve of her breast and then he shifted as he dropped kisses along her sternum. She felt a tiny tremor go through her at the feel of his lips on her skin and the abrasion of his beard stubble against her.
She kept running her hands up and down his back, letting her nails scrape against his skin gently. Finally, he shifted his arms under her and lifted himself up to look down at her. He seemed as if he wanted to say something but instead he just rested his forehead against hers, one of his arms going under her body, which forced her to arch her back, brushing the tips of her breasts against his chest. She realized, as physically satisfying sex with Mads had been, she still felt empty. Maybe because they hadn’t really connected. She knew he was hiding something from her.
Complicated.
He was never going to be easy. He had more baggage than most men and she knew that before she’d invited him into her place tonight.
She wanted him again. Even now. As he was touching her and caressing her. It felt different this time.
He buried his hands in her hair as he looked into her eyes. He started to say something, but then stopped.
As he stared into her eyes she realized that she wished she could read his expression. Was it grief that had led him to hide what he felt? Or had he always been like that?
She didn’t know. She doubted he was going to tell her and even if he did, she had no idea if it would be the truth or not. She shifted away from him.
Mads put his hand on the back of her neck, gently. Then she felt him lifting her up. He carried her down the hall, through her bedroom, and into the bathroom, where he set her on her feet. He turned his back to her and knelt next to the tub, adjusting the taps until the water was flowing out of them. She took off her top too. She walked over to the tub.
She reached over his shoulder for the bath salts and the foaming bath cube and dropped them into the tub. He didn’t say a word, just held his hand out to her to help her into the water and then he climbed into the tub with her too.
She felt calmer than she had in a long time. She’d needed Mads more than she’d thought she would.
***
Mads guessed Iona knew that he’d thought of Gill at the end of making love to her and he hadn’t meant to hurt her that way. As soon as he’d seen those tears in her eyes, everything else had dropped away. He might have been thinking about himself and his own grief, but in that moment he’d realized how much he truly was starting to care for Iona and he never wanted to see her in pain.
The bath was relaxing. The warm water was easing away some of the tension he’d been carrying around all week. He caught her foot and put it in the center of his chest and then took the loofah she had on the side of the tub and washed her leg. He was sitting up straight so that the spigot didn’t dig into his back. But he wasn’t uncomfortable at all.
“What do you have on next week?” he asked.
“Well the ‘naughty and nice’ truffle release. There’s a sweet caramel truffle and a spicy Mexican hot chocolate- inspired one.”
Mads shook his head ruefully. “She’s earned the ‘naughty’ moniker now. But then so have you.”
She gave him a half smile but he wanted to see that light back in her eyes. Wanted to see that magic he associated with her.
“I couldn’t believe it when Hoop brought her into the apartment. I was freaking out but tried to stay calm. I knew if I freaked it would make her upset. And I could tell she was just about holding it together.”
“You handled it great. Better than me,” he said. “When you called I was about to go through the roof. I was only able to remain calm because of you. You’re good for me.”
“Am I?” she asked.
He put her leg back in the water and lifted her left one to wash it. “Yes.”
“Where did you get this scar?”
He looked down at her toe, which she was rubbing over his pec. “Gill had an … outburst when she got the news she was terminal and started throwing stuff. I tried to get to her to comfort her and a glass shard cut me.”
“Oh, Mads.”
She pulled her foot back and scooted forward to straddle his lap, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. She hugged him close. He knew she meant for the embrace to be soothing and it was but she was naked and pressed to him like that he felt himself stir. This time not because he wanted to have sex so he could move forward but because of Iona. Because of how she always reached out to comfort him with no thought of her own emotional wellbeing.
He hugged her back.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be talking about another woman with you.”
“Don’t be silly.” She put her hands on his face again and looked down into his eyes. “We can’t hide from it.”
“I know that,” he admitted.
“Good.”
He ran his hand down her back to distract him from her breasts, which were brushing against his chest. The tips of them were hard and rubbed against him when the water moved around them. He wanted this bath to be a peace offering but he wanted her again.
This time felt different.
She shifted a bit on his lap and took the loofah, rubbing it over his chest. “Want to stay with me?”
He did. More than anything. “I would like that a lot. But I am going to have to leave before morning.”
“I know, you have to get home for Sofia.”
“Yes, I do,” he said. “Is that okay?”
“Of course, it is,” she said. Then she stood up and water cascaded down her body. He tipped his head back to look at her. Her long slim legs, the nest of red hair at the top of her thighs, her nipped-in waist and her generous breasts and then higher to that sweet mouth, which smiled down at him. And he knew that he’d fixed his earlier mistake. And something shifted and settled deep inside of him. That thawing part of his emotional heart thawed a little bit more and though he knew that this wasn’t the all-clear, he was closer to being able to start living again than he’d been in the last year.
He stood up next to her and they took turns drying each other off and then he lifted her in his arms again because he liked carrying her. She wrapped her arm around his shoulder as he carried her into the bedroom and placed her in the center of her bed.
***
Her hair had a slight curl to it when it was wet. It was spread out on the pillows, contrasting with the snowy white duvet on her bed. Her legs were slightly parted, her arms fell to her sides and he stood there staring down at her, knowing that this time he wanted to make it last. But having talked to her and knowing her so much better after the bath, self-control was further from him than it had ever been before.
He was hard, his erection stiff and desperate to be back inside the warmth of her body.
“Mads?”
He sat on the edge of the bed, facing her. He wanted to touch her, to know her body as well as he was coming to know her gentle soul, sweet heart, and feisty attitude. He wanted to take his time. But lately, when had he gotten what he wanted, he’d somehow lost control of everything that he’d once taken for granted.
He ran his finger over the breast closest to him. Lightly stroking the full globe and watching as her nipple tightened. He leaned down and licked it, gently. She made a little sound, more a catch in the back of her throat, and her hand fell to his head and then to his shoulder. He took the tip between his lips and sucked until he felt the bed move as her hips arched. He lifted his head and turned to kneel over her, using his thigh to push her legs further apart before settling between them. He was careful to keep his weight on his elbows as he brushed his chest over the hard tips of her breasts. She arched again, exposing her neck and he leaned down to lick and nibble at the length of her wet hair before tangling one of his hands in it as he bit lightly at the lobe of her ear. He shifted his hips until he felt his tip at the entrance of her body and this time he looked down into her eyes as he entered her as slowly as he could.
He pushed himself fully inside of her and stopped for a minute just to watch her adjust to him. She shifted under him, taking him deeper and her lips parted as she lifted her head up towards his. Their lips met and he started moving in her. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and her legs around his hips as he thrust into her.
He put one arm under her hips, lifting her so he could go deeper and deeper. He drove them both hard towards their climax and he heard her gasp as she tore her mouth from his and called out his name once more.
Then he buried his face in the curve of her neck, driving harder, thrusting until he came. He emptied himself into her body and then rolled to his side, taking her with him. No guilt riding him this time. No regrets from wishing he could have been present for her. Just the feeling of having made love to a woman who was coming to matter more and more to him with each day.
He stroked his hand down her back as she curled on her side next to him and he held her to him. He realized he was holding himself a little tense, waiting for some emotional bomb from the past to spring on him but nothing happened. Just that feeling of contentment that came from making love to Iona.
He felt her drop a kiss on his chest and looked down at her. He didn’t feel that wrenching guilt which had surprised him before.
He knew he’d been closed off for a long time and he wanted to let her in … well, sort of, but he didn’t know if he could.
It was funny for him to realize that this woman, who he’d only met at the beginning of December, was coming to mean so much to him. That she probably knew him better than anyone else did. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that. He knew there were no guarantees for the future. Hell. He wasn’t ready to think about that part of caring for a woman again. He might lose her like he lost Gill.
Damn.
Now that the thought had entered his head, he couldn’t shake it.
“When do you have to leave?” she asked.
He sat up and looked at the clock on the nightstand. He should be home before five so he had time to shower before Sofia got up. “I can stay for a little while if you want me to.”
“I’d like that,” she said. “I would love to cuddle and just pretend that we are those two people with no past or future to worry about.”
He propped the pillows behind his head and drew her into his arms. Then snagged the end of the duvet and pulled it over the both of them. He told himself that she was just doing what he’d suggested but he knew he wanted them to be Mads and Iona. Two people who might have a chance at something. Not two ships passing in the night, as he’d previously suggested.
But he didn’t know how to tell her he wanted that without making it seem like he was ready for more than he knew he was.