The Christmas markets at Bryant Park had always been one of Iona’s favorite things to see during the holiday season. The fact that she was by herself this year tinged her shopping trip with a little longing. She and Theo usually came down here and picked out tchotchkes for their mom, but Nico had invited him to go to the Hamptons to meet his family this weekend so she was on her own. She loved the painted wooden ornaments that were sold in one of the booths.
It was a clear and cool Saturday morning and the market was busy. Iona had tried to go help out at the Candied Apple, but they had more staff than needed on hand and she had been getting in the way. So here she was. Shopping by herself and wishing she’d said yes when Hayley had asked if she wanted to go to Boston with her this weekend.
“Hi Iona!” Sofia said excitedly, coming up next to her. “Papa, it’s Iona. I knew it had to be you.”
Iona glanced over at Mads, who was a few feet from his daughter. His coat was open, revealing a black sweater over his jeans and loafers. Sofia had a stocking cap on her head and her red coat was still buttoned up.
“Hi there. Are you shopping for anything in particular?”
“I need a present for Miss Pembroke,” Sofia said. “And Papa is supposed to help me find something for Secret Santa.”
“I love Secret Santa. Who did you get?”
“Jennifer. She’s pretty nice. I am hoping to find a ballerina ornament for her,” Sofia said.
“You’re in luck,” Iona said. “I saw one over at that booth.”
She pointed to the one she’d been at a few minutes earlier.
“Want to come with me to pick it out?” Sofia asked.
Iona glanced over at Mads and he nodded subtly. “I’d love to. I usually get my mom some version of Santa for her tree. I know he’s not your thing, but maybe you can help me pick out a different ornament for her.”
“I will. Is that a tradition for you?” Sofia asked.
“Sofia, don’t be nosey,” Mads interrupted.
“I don’t mind,” Iona said. “Yes, it is. Usually, Theo is here to help me but he couldn’t come today. On Christmas Eve we sneak it onto our mom’s place setting at the dinner table.”
“Does she know it’s from you two?” Sofia asked.
Iona smiled down at her. “She always pretends she doesn’t know. When Nico and I were little we loved the thought of surprising her.”
“That sounds like a fun idea,” Sofia said. Then she tugged on Iona’s hand until she bent down and she leaned in close to her. “Maybe you can help me do that for Papa?”
“I would love to,” Iona said.
When they got to the booth, Sofia let go of Iona’s hand and stood on tiptoe to look at all of the ornaments. There were three ballerinas on the wooden pegs near the back of the booth and Mads gestured for her and Sofia to go first.
She followed the little girl, who was very careful in her selection, looking carefully at every brunette ballerina on the peg before making her choice.
Sofia waited until Mads wasn’t close enough and then pointed to a Christmas tree that had a man holding a little girl on his shoulders to put the angel on the top of the tree. “Can you get that one for Papa?” she asked.
“I can.”
As she stood up, Iona noticed a wooden knight on a peg behind the cash register that reminded her of the book that Iona had read to her.
Mads paid for Sofia’s purchase while Sofia spotted a friend from school and went over to talk to her.
“Did you find anything?” Mads asked her.
“I did. I’ll be right out if you want to go with Sofia.”
“Thank you for sharing your ornament tradition with Sof,” Mads said, with that bit of sadness in his eyes. He had to be thinking of Gill again. “We will be out front when you’re done.”
He turned away and she watched him go. She didn’t know how he handled it. How hard it must be for Mads to do all these things without the woman he loved.
She purchased the ornament she’d seen for Sofia and the one that Sofia wanted for her father, asking for them to be wrapped separately before tucking them both into her handbag before she went outside. They spent the rest of the afternoon shopping. Sofia found a present for her teacher; Iona found a couple of treats for Hayley’s dog, Lucy. Sofia wanted to buy something for the dog as well and picked out a scarf that had dogs wearing Santa hats on it. It was cute and she could tell by how much Sofia talked about it that the little girl wanted a dog too.
“We’ve already discussed this, Sof. No dogs. We do have time to go and see the gingerbread village at the Common, do you want to join us, Iona?”
“Please, Iona, please! Papa is taking me for tea afterward. With cookies and little sandwiches.”
“That sounds perfect,” Iona said. Though a part of her felt like she should say no, she went with them. Anything was better than heading back to her empty apartment and wishing for something that wasn’t hers.
***
“It’s an Ugly Sweater Party,” Iona said on the phone. “I think that Sofia will enjoy it. If you guys can make it, stop by around six.”
“We don’t have any ugly sweaters,” Mads said.
“I’ve seen some of your sweaters so I’d have to agree.
I left a couple for you with the doorman,” Iona said. “I have this party every year and my mom is going to be there and Theo and Nico. Anyway I’d love it if you could come. We also watch Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and sort of shout advice at the characters and of course sing along to all the songs.”
He hadn’t watched a Christmas television show in years. Gill had preferred to keep the holidays about religion, so while they’d seen different versions of The Nativity and The Little Drummer Boy, he hadn’t seen Rudolph since he and Piers had been ten and eleven.
“I don’t think Sofia will know the show.”
“Are you kidding me? Then she’ll love this. It’s a lot of fun. And last year, Cici’s brothers dressed like Hermey the dentist elf from Rudolph and the Head Elf. They were hilarious, arguing with each other all night. You don’t have to come but I’d love to see you both. I really enjoyed tea with you guys the other day and now I’d like to share some of my holiday traditions with you.”
He knew he couldn’t turn her down. If Sofia heard about it she’d be upset with him.
“Okay, we will stop by. Can Jessie come? It sounds like her kind of thing,” Mads said.
“Yes. I like Jessie. She’s brought Sofia by the shop a few times after school,” Iona said.
“I didn’t know about that.”
“I don’t think it was meant to be a secret,” Iona said. “But I didn’t mean to speak out of turn.”
Mads shook his head, even though she couldn’t see him. “I’m not going to yell at them for stopping by to see you.”
“That’s good to know,” Iona said with a little laugh. “Also, I usually just make a huge pot of chili for dinner. Can Sofia eat that?”
“She loves it.”
“Perfect. I’ll see you both later then,” Iona said, hanging up the phone.
Mads sat back in his chair and thought about how busy they’d been this Christmas season. They had plans to go ice skating the following afternoon with Remy from Sofia’s class. He knew that he’d wanted this year to be different but he wondered if he was filling the time with too many activities. He tried talking to his daughter, but frankly the words sometimes escaped him. He had no idea how to find out if she was doing okay. If he was helping her through this first Christmas without Gill the right way or if he was doing it wrong.
He hoped that he was doing it right. He checked his schedule and saw that he didn’t have any meetings until the end of the day and decided he’d leave early and go meet Sofia after school. He texted Jessie that he’d pick her up and about the party at Iona’s.
He had his driver drop him off in front of the Lycée Francaise, where Sofia went to school and stood to one side as the kids exited the building. He saw Sofia wearing her uniform, carrying something in one hand.
“Sofia.”
“Papa, I didn’t know you were coming to pick me up today,” she said, coming over to him, hugging him.
“I hope you don’t mind.”
“I don’t. Look what I made today at school.”
“What is it?” he asked, holding a picture up that she’d drawn. It looked like a cylinder with three matches on it.
“It’s a yule log. Did you know that the period leading up to Christmas is a festival of light?”
“I’d heard something about that,” he said. “Is this meant to be a log?”
“Yes. I ran out of time to color it,” she said. “Miss Pembroke sent home instructions if we want to make one for ourselves.”
He took her hand and led the way to their car, which was parked at the end of the block. “Do we want to?”
She smiled up at him. He noticed one of her front teeth was a little bit loose. She was going to lose a tooth. It was one of the things that Gill had mentioned she’d never get to see and Mads’ heart hurt.
“I do, Papa.”
He nodded and Sofia kept on talking, but he was thinking of all the things that Gill had missed and how much he missed her. They got in the car and Hamlisch drove them back to their building on the Upper East Side. The doorman was waiting for them when they walked through the lobby.
“Hi Greg,” Sofia said. “Want to see a picture I drew at school today?”
The doorman nodded. “I do.”
She showed him the drawing and he complimented her on it. “I have something for you too.”
“You do?” Sofia asked. “What is it?”
“I don’t know. I think it’s from St. Nick.”
“He’s not a real person,” Sofia said. “Who really dropped it off?”
The doorman looked over Sofia’s head at him. Mads reached around to take the gaily wrapped packages from him. “It’s from Iona.”
“Oh, that’s nice. We don’t have anything for her, do we?” Sofia asked.
“She’s invited us to an Ugly Sweater Party,” Mads said. “She even provided sweaters for us.”
“When is it?”
“Tonight. Do you want to go?”
“Yes, Papa. I do. Do you think it will be fun? I wonder how ugly our sweaters will be.”
Sofia chatted all the way up to their floor and when they entered their apartment Jessie was in the kitchen with Sofia’s after-school snack. Mads left her to go down to his bedroom. He sat down on the edge of his bed. Then fell back, staring at the ceiling. He missed Gill. He hated that her illness had stolen these moments from her. She would have loved seeing Sofia as she was growing up. Becoming her own little person and yet at times more like him and then even more like Gill.
***
Iona was in her bedroom, fixing her lipstick. She heard the voices and the laughter from the rest of her apartment. Theo and Nico had arrived wearing matching sweaters. They looked very cute. Her mom had brought her dog Fifi. Valentina had on a sweater with Fifi’s picture and Fifi was wearing one with Valentina’s. It had cracked Iona up when she saw it.
It had also made her a little sad that her father had never appreciated her mom. She made everything so much fun with things like the sweaters, which her dad would have seen as a waste of money.
But Mads and Sofia hadn’t shown up and everyone had someone special here for them but her.
There was a knock on her door and she glanced up to find her mom in the doorway.
“Just checking on you,” Valentina said as she entered the room.
“I’m fixing my lipstick.”
“Uh huh, seems like you’re hiding out.”
“Mads didn’t show up,” she said to her mom. “I don’t know if I’m really meant to do this relationship thing. I mean at work it’s … hard but easier than this. I know how to achieve the result I want.”
Her mom laughed and came over to stand next to her, adjusting Iona’s hair behind her ear. “Darling, that’s the way life is. It’s not meant to be easy. And you’ve achieved more than enough at work.”
“Dad wouldn’t have thought so,” she said.
“Your dad would never say it to you, but he was proud of you. He thought you’d one day take over his position as CEO. He said you were hungrier than Theo.”
Tears burned her eyes. Her father’s words touched her. “Thanks, Mom.”
“Also don’t worry about Mads not being here. Children aren’t the best helpers to being on time.”
“You’re right,” she said.
“Let’s get back to the party,” Valentina said, taking Iona’s arm and leading her out of the room.
She mingled and directed her guests to the kitchen buffet for food and she was watching everyone dish up their bowls of chili when she’d realized that this was her life. She was so blessed in her family and friends. Too bad her father hadn’t let anyone close to him in this way.
The doorbell rang and Iona assumed it was Hayley, Garrett, and Lucy. Hayley had texted her earlier to say they were running late because Garrett had been hung up by something at work.
She opened the door to find Mads and Sofia standing there.
“Hello you two, I thought you might have had a conflict,” she said.
He shook his head and was smiling. “We didn’t.”
“I love my sweater, Iona. I know it’s supposed to be ugly but I love it,” Sofia said as she came around from behind her dad. The sweater was ballerinas wearing Darth Vader helmets. She’d seen it online and she knew that Sofia would like it.
“I thought you would,” she said. She didn’t bother trying to convince the little girl that the gift had been from St. Nick. She knew better.
Sofia came further into the room. Mads wore the sweater she’d bought for him: a red and green nylon one that said BAH HUMBUG on it.
“Thanks for this. I might wear it to work tomorrow,” he said.
“Ha. I know you won’t. Where is Jessie?” Iona asked.
“Her boyfriend invited her to go ice skating so I gave her the evening off.”
“Sounds like fun,” Iona said. “Are you hungry?”
“Yes,” Mads said. “We are, aren’t we, Sof?”
“Yup. Papa wouldn’t let me eat anything before we came down here.”
“Were you hungry? I said no to the bag of candy the neighbors dropped off. You could have had an apple.”
“I wasn’t hungry for an apple,” Sofia said. “But for chocolate.”
“I don’t have any chocolate but I do have chili,” Iona said.
Iona led the way into the kitchen and got them bowls of chili and then led them into the living room. Hayley and Garrett arrived a few minutes later, they wore matching sweaters with a dachshund on them and for Lucy they had a dog sweater with stick figures of a man and woman holding hands. Lucy and Fifi both got along well and soon were sitting on the floor near the fireplace.
Iona laughed when she saw it. After everyone finished eating they went into the living room to start watching “Rudolph” with everyone laughing and singing along. Iona realized as Sofia climbed on her lap to watch the movie she’d been given a real gift when she met these two.
They were turning into the kind of friends that she could count on and she felt so blessed to have them in her life. She felt a hand on her shoulder and looked up to see Theo standing there.
He didn’t say anything, just squeezed her shoulder and she reached up to clench his hand. “I’m glad you two are here tonight.”
“Me too. I’ve missed you.”
She had missed him too but she couldn’t say that because her throat felt heavy with tears. She wanted to say they were happy tears or to blame it on her period but she knew she was overcome with emotion because everything was changing and she still felt, despite her new friends, that she’d stayed the same. That she was still the same woman she’d been at the beginning of the year.
Like everyone else had figured out life and she’d been left behind. And that wasn’t true. Nico leaned down and kissed her forehead before moving back over to Theo. And Iona turned her attention back to the movie but she wasn’t really paying attention to it.
Sofia’s head fell to her shoulder and she looked up at Iona. “The reindeer aren’t very nice.”
“No, they aren’t. Definitely on the naughty list,” Iona said after clearing her throat.
“But I wouldn’t run away,” Sofia said. “That’s not the solution.”
“It’s not?” Iona asked, happy to have this distraction from her own problems.
“No. Papa always says if you leave a mess it will be there when you come back.”
“Your papa is very smart,” Iona said.
“He is. But he leaves a mess in the bathroom.”
“He does?” she asked, curious as to what kind of mess he left. It was interesting to think she’d slept with him but didn’t really know him as well as she thought she did.
“Yes. He leaves his towel in a pile on the floor.”
“Are you telling secrets on me, Sof?”
“I just wanted to make sure Iona knows you can be naughty sometimes too,” Sofia said.
Iona laughed and Mads just shook his head. “This is the thanks I get for letting her stay up late.”
“You’re welcome, Papa,” she said, scooting over to sit between her and Mads. Sofia took both of their hands in hers and Iona just held the little girl’s hand and watched the movie, pretending that nothing had changed. But she knew that everything had.