Mads hadn’t been able to resist Iona anymore. He just wanted to forget for a few hours, in her arms. He had been carrying around that mantle of guilt for too long. He had no idea if this would amount to more than an affair, but he couldn’t just walk away.
Not tonight.
He’d been right about her fitting perfectly in his arms. Her lips moved under his, returning the kiss, and he had to admit it felt good to be held by a woman again. He let himself just enjoy the feel of her breasts against his chest and the notch at the top of her thighs created a perfect place for his erection. He thrust his hips forward against her and felt an answering thrust from her in return. He caressed her back as his tongue edged into her mouth. She tasted of the coffee they’d drunk after dinner and she smelled like peppermint and pine. Like Christmas. Like all the things that he kept proclaiming to be annoyed by.
But she also felt so right that he knew that was a lie.
He ran his hand down her back, cupping her butt and drawing her more fully into the curve of his body as she rocked against him. Her hands tightening on his waist, drawing him even closer to her. He canted his hips forward again, moving one leg between hers as he grabbed her backside and pulled her closer to him. He tilted his head and angled his mouth for a deeper kiss. His pulse pounded loudly in his ears, drowning out the last vestiges of doubt he had, keeping him from thinking too hard about this moment.
God, she tasted good.
He knew he should pull back and take this slow but he couldn’t. He swept his hands to her waist and then skimmed it over the side of her breast as she lifted one of her arms and wrapped it around his shoulder.
She seemed to be forgetting herself as well. It was as if this was exactly what they both needed. Something to make them forget the reality they were both dealing with. Sex was the best way to forget.
He knew that. But this was more than sex.
Damn.
He had to shut down his mind but he couldn’t. This was another first; kissing a woman he cared about. It wasn’t a one-night stand where he’d walk away from her and never see her again.
Hell, she lived in his building.
She pulled back from him and he looked at her.
“You’re distracted by something else now,” she said. “I’m guessing this isn’t what you want anymore.”
Crap.
“No, that’s not it,” he said. But really, what woman wanted to hear the truth? That he wasn’t sure he could kiss her and remain cold inside. And that he’d started to take a certain comfort from the coldness because it kept him from feeling and from the pain that had been too much for him for too long.
But he’d started to thaw. And that was what bothered him. He wasn’t ready to rejoin the land of the living. It was one thing for him to kiss a woman he’d walk away from but this was something more. Something he hadn’t anticipated.
“Really?” she arched her eyebrow at him. “I’m not dumb. I get it. You have been trying to deal with the fact that Gill is gone and haven’t moved on yet. And now I’m here, saying let’s be friends …”
“That’s partially it,” he admitted. “But the truth is, Iona, you keep surprising me. I can’t help that I’m a man torn in two by the circumstances of his life.”
“I know that,” she said quietly. “I get it. I’m just not sure I can handle it right now. Any other time I’d be able to smile and kiss you and take you to my bed so we could have some fun, but I like you. I like your daughter and she seems to need me as a friend too. So we really can’t just casually sleep together, Mads.”
Mads ran his hand through his hair. He knew all of that. He shouldn’t have kissed her but her lips had been too tempting. Her mouth always drew his attention whenever he was with her and kissing her was something he’d thought about even though he hadn’t wanted to. He knew then that he had to decide if he was going to give in to his desire for her and if that was the case, he had to commit. No more of this …
“I think it’s time you left,” she said. “I’m just not able to do this. Not tonight. The next time I see you —Friday for Cici’s party — I’ll be back to my old self.”
She walked away from him and he watched as she leaned against the kitchen counter, crossing her legs at the ankles and wrapping her arms around her chest. She was hurting and he’d just wounded her a little more. He’d wanted to somehow make things better for them both and had failed.
Now he felt like an ass.
Probably he was an ass.
He swallowed hard and took a step closer to her and she gave him a hard look that warned him she wasn’t in the mood to be placated and he understood that. He shouldn’t have started something he couldn’t finish but honestly until he’d taken her in his arms he hadn’t realized how much Iona had come to mean to him.
“Sorry. You’re just the first woman I’ve cared about whom I’ve kissed since Gill. And it’s harder than I thought it would be.”
She shook her head sadly at him. “Don’t say things you don’t mean.”
“I never do,” he said.
***
Iona wanted to believe him, which was a clear indication to her that she was in over her head. “You can’t mean that.”
“Why can’t I?” he asked.
What was she going to say? That she wasn’t the right woman for him. She’d learned one thing from Theo and Nico and that was what the heart wanted, it wanted. She couldn’t control who she fell for any more than anyone else could.
And falling for Mads had dumb written all over it. He was a man who was coming back into the land of the living, not a man who she should be thinking about falling for.
But she couldn’t help it. She liked him, as she’d observed earlier when she’d given in to her desire to kiss him. He liked her, but a big part of her knew that it couldn’t be the same. She was never going to be more than his transition person.
“I’m not sure either of us is in a position to deal with this.”
He smiled at her and his entire face looked so much younger. Until that moment she never had noticed that he rarely smiled and he always had a look of someone who was doing his best to survive each day.
Her heart melted a little bit and though she knew that she was a big girl and way too old to believe in wishes whispered on a cold December night, her heart made one. It wanted Mads to be hers and to be real.
“Let’s just be honest with each other. No promises or commitments,” he said.
That appealed more than she wanted to admit, so she nodded and then smiled over at him. “And if I change my mind?”
“Just let me know. If I’m in the same spot, we’ll do whatever it is,” he said. He rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s been hard for me to differentiate between what’s real and what’s me just trying to survive, but there is something about you, Iona, that hasn’t left my mind from the moment we met.”
Because she wanted what he was saying to be true she had to lighten the moment or at least try to. They were getting too real. Too serious and she still wasn’t sure she could trust him or herself. “Never under-estimate the power of a short skirt and a pair of tights.”
“I’m not denying that you have killer legs and could make a grown man believe in Santa Claus again, but there is more to it than that.”
He just kept saying the right things and she was having a hard time remembering to take things slow. To just go with it, as he’d suggested. To be fair, she’d never been a ”just go with it” person, which was probably a big part of her dating problems.
“Am I making you think differently about the season?” she asked, letting her arms fall to her side and standing up straighter. It was time to get him out of her apartment before she lost the argument with herself that said she needed to be cautious around him and did something that would feel good but she’d regret in the morning.
“You are,” he admitted. “Not that I’m ever going to believe that miracles are possible, I just can’t go there again. But you are making things different for me and for Sofia.”
“She’s such a sweet child,” Iona said. “How did the chocolates go over at school?”
“Pretty well. The teacher thought it was a nice gesture and then tonight Remy called to say thank you and to apologize for saying she was naughty. She was happy with that. I think things are going to be okay now.”
“I’m glad to hear it,” Iona said.
“Is this your way of telling me it’s time to go home?” he asked.
“I think so. Today … well it’s been a long day and I’m ready to crash,” she admitted. “I recorded A Charlie Brown Christmas and I think I need to watch that tonight.”
“Then I’ll leave you to it,” he said, walking towards the door and she followed him.
She decided then and there that she was going to give him some space for the next few days. She needed to regain her perspective. She had started out with a plan but that had flown into the wind the first time he’d kissed her and tonight … well for a few moments she’d thought she’d found something in his arms. But then …
“Never mind,” she said out loud, startled to hear her own voice.
Crap.
“Never mind, what?”
That was one embarrassing habit she wished she could get rid of but whenever she was stressed she often spoke thoughts that she wished she’d kept quiet. “Just trying to still my mind, which is busy making more arguments than I can deal with right now.”
“Good luck with that,” he said. “I’ve never found anything that could make me forget, except maybe for those few seconds when I was kissing you.”
They’d gotten to her foyer and she leaned back against her front door. “And then your mind went totally crazy. And you started thinking about Gill again.”
“I didn’t say it was easy,” he admitted.
“I don’t think it should be. I can tell you two had a deep love and if I were the one in your shoes I think I’d be struggling too.”
“Thank you,” he said, after a few moments had passed.
“For what?”
“Just understanding,” he said. Then he hugged her close and reached around her to open the door and walked out. She stood there watching him for a moment before she realized what she was doing and closed the door, locking it and then sinking to the floor and staring at the foyer tiles, telling herself she was okay. But something made her feel like she never would be again.
***
Mads cancelled the dinner party with Iona. Sofia wasn’t too happy with him and the leak at the hotel had turned out to be a major plumbing issue, which of the three things was the easiest to deal with, so he was focusing there.
His brother had flown back to the West Coast, issuing an invitation for him and Sofia to join him out there for Christmas. And he was seriously thinking about taking him up on it. He wasn’t sure why he thought staying in Manhattan would be the right thing to do. But he’d wanted Christmas … hell, he no longer knew. He was sitting in his office supposedly fixing the plumbing issue and trying to reassign guests, some of their highest-profile guests visited during the holidays and he had to balance their regular customer visits with the VIPs who wanted to stay. It was a bit of a nightmare and he’d been in meetings most of the day with everyone on the staff, including maintenance, who had called in extra staff to help facilitate the outside plumbing company they’d had to hire.
Mads had been assured that they would have the problem fixed tonight, which was the excuse he’d given Iona when he’d cancelled. He knew she didn’t want to be flying solo at a party that was for families, but after the other night, he had been unable to remember what Gill’s kiss tasted like and that had felt like the ultimate betrayal, especially when he’d fallen into a restless sleep and dreamed he was making love to a woman and that woman was Iona.
He wanted her and he’d been hoping, despite the fact that he had already admitted it was more than lust, that he’d still be able to contain his desire for her. That he’d somehow be able to keep her in the friends with benefits zone instead of dreaming about her. Remembering her kiss and the taste of it in a way he wasn’t sure he’d ever done with Gill.
He put his head in his hands as his office phone rang. He’d sent Lexi home, so had told her to forward her line to him in case there were issues with the maintenance.
“Mads Eriksson.”
“Oh, hello there,” Iona said. “I’m sorry to call like this but we have an extra guest at our party and I thought you’d want to know.”
“What are you talking about? Why are you being so vague?” he asked.
“That’s right. We need to see about getting another child’s dish,” Iona said.
“Is Sofia at your friend’s party?” he asked.
“Yes. I have the young lady right here and she’d like …,” Iona said, then seemed to cover the mouthpiece. “What do you want for dinner?”
“Chicken,” Sofia said. He could tell by the note in her voice that she was feeling defiant.
“Is she alone?”
“Yes. I don’t think we’ll need anything else. Do you need the address?” she asked.
“I’ve got it. I’ll be right there.”
“Great,” Iona said. “I think that’s for the best.”
She hung up. His cell phone rang. He saw it was Jessie.
“Mads. Oh, my God. I can’t find Sofia. I think she’s run away. Which makes no sense …”
“I know where she is.”
“Thank God. Where is she?” Jessie asked.
“She went to the party we were supposed to attend tonight,” Mads said. “How did she get out of the apartment?”
“I was getting changed,” Jessie replied. “We went to Central Park to play in the snow and when we got back, I ran a bath for her and went to change. I checked on her ten minutes later and she was gone. I’ve been searching everywhere. It’s so unlike her.”
“It is unlike her.”
“Where is she? Send me the address and I’ll go and get her.”
“NO, that’s okay. I’ll get her. I think I need to talk to her. Why don’t you take the rest of the night off?” Mads suggested.
“I don’t think I can until I see her and know she’s okay,” Jessie said. “I promised Gill I would keep her safe and raise her like she was my own.”
He heard the crack in Jessie’s voice. “You’re doing great. This is on me. She likes Iona. She was really upset when I told her we couldn’t go. I’ll text you when we are on our way home.”
“Thanks,” Jessie said.
Mads went down to check with the maintenance manager who was overseeing the work. He let him know that he had to leave and asked to be kept informed of anything that happened. He also talked to the GM before leaving the Common.
Hamlisch met him up front. “Home, sir?”
“No. We’re going to this address,” he said, rattling it off.
He got into the back seat as Hamlisch closed the door and a few minutes later they were on their way. He watched the city lights flashing by his window as they drove and he could only think of all the ways he was screwing up. It hadn’t even been a year since Gill died and Sofia had run away.
He knew he had to be better than this with her, but, honestly, at this moment he didn’t know what else to do. It was hard dealing with his grief. Managing his next steps when he also had to manage Sofia’s, and it wasn’t like he was making excuses but tonight he felt like he had a million reasons why he couldn’t keep doing this.
Hamlisch pulled up in front of the building and Mads asked him to wait for them. He took a minute to compose himself. He knew that going in there in full temper wasn’t the right thing to do. But he also knew he couldn’t just let her get away with her actions. She was six not sixteen. And what she had done was very dangerous.