PROTECTOR #4
I tossed and turned all night. Around 3:00 am, I finally fell into a fitful sleep that was interrupted by Brian’s restlessness. When I woke up the next morning I felt worse than I had the morning before. I sat up slowly and looked over to see Brian fast asleep on the couch across the room, and I immediately felt the previous night’s irritation return. He’d shut me out without saying anything or even trying to have a conversation, and now he was sleeping like a baby. I shook my head in disgust and went to the bathroom to get ready for my meeting.
In the shower, I let the hot water cascade over my body as I tried to clear my mind of the way that Brian had reacted to learning about my involvement in the anti-war group. I couldn’t see how he could be angry with a group whose sole aim was to keep peace and prevent war, and it pissed me off that he’d just shut down and stopped talking. It made no sense to me whatsoever. I rinsed my hair and turned my face up toward the warm flow one more time before twisting the knobs to shut it off.
I stepped out, grabbed the fluffy towel off of the counter, and began drying myself off as I thought about how to start the conversation with Brian. We were going to have to talk about this in some way or another, or else we weren’t going to be able to find a way to continue the physical part of our relationship, and I had already grown to like it - a lot. I towel-dried my wet hair as I looked in the mirror, and noticed that there were dark circles under my eyes. The stress and lack of sleep were getting to me, and Friday night’s partying hadn’t helped matters.
Ah well, that’s what concealer is for, I thought to myself as I reached into my cosmetic bag and pulled out the tube. As I began to dab it on the dark spots, I was transported back to another morning when I had had to do the same thing, but for very different reasons. The night before, Dominic had returned home angry with me about some imagined infraction of his rules and had spent the evening moping silently in his man cave before emerging to teach me a brutal lesson about obedience. I cringed as I recalled how the concealer hadn’t been able to do its job the next day, but then, it hadn’t been designed to hide the handiwork of a man who was determined to leave his mark on my face.
As I dusted my cheeks with a peachy blush and tried to brighten up my pale skin, I thought about how I was certain that Brian wasn’t at all like Dominic. But I also knew that I wasn’t going to roll over and let another man dictate what I could or couldn’t do with my life; even if it meant that Brian was going to be irritated enough to continue sleeping on the couch.
Two coats of mascara and a swipe of a berry-colored lip gloss later, I considered myself in the mirror and decided I looked good enough to lead the meeting. I pulled my long, thick hair back into a low ponytail and smoothed my bangs before wrapping the towel tightly around myself and walking into the room to grab my clothes. When I emerged from the bathroom, Brian quickly looked away as I headed to my closet.
“It’s okay to look, you, know,” I said in a light tone. “You’ve seen it all anyway.”
“Yeah, got it,” he replied as he tried to hide the smile that flitted across his lips. “Just trying to give you some privacy.”
“Well, it’s hard in a space this small, but I appreciate it,” I said as I grabbed my clothes.
“It’s kind of chilly out there this morning,” Brian offered as he thumbed through my Psych textbook. “You might want to dress appropriately.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I shot back as I felt myself getting defensive. “Are you implying that I don’t usually dress appropriately?”
“Step down, spitfire,” he said as he raised a hand in defense. “I’m just saying that you might want to dress for rain, that’s all. I’m not judging you.”
I stood there fuming as I looked at him. How dare he tell me what’s appropriate and what isn’t! I was sick of his constant back and forth, one minute approving and the next disapproving. I was tired of having to walk on eggshells as we tried to navigate the path between security guard and boyfriend. Suddenly, a flood of questions came rushing into my brain.
Does he see me as his girlfriend? Do I think of him as my boyfriend? Are we a couple? I quickly discounted my answers by telling myself that it was insane to think that he could be someone I viewed as a boyfriend after less than a week. It’s Stockholm Syndrome, only without the kidnapping and violence. I chuckled as this thought crossed my mind.
“What are you laughing about?” Brian asked in an irritated voice. “Is there something funny I don’t know about?”
“Just thinking about my Psych homework,” I replied. “No need to get all irritated with me.”
“Irritated? Who’s irritated?” he said in a voice that was even more irritated than before.
“Obviously you are, sailor,” I said nonchalantly.
“I’m not irritated!” he yelled as he shot up off the couch.
“Evidence would prove otherwise,” I said as I held my ground.
“What the hell is wrong with you, Ava?” he shouted. “Why do you push me like this?”
“How exactly am I doing anything, Brian?” I said. My voice was calm, but inside I was trembling like a leaf. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me, but his anger was palpable.
“You are so…so…so…” he stuttered before blurting out, “Infuriating!”
“Oh, I’m infuriating? Me?” I cried. “That’s a good one! You’re the one who gets all pissy and then shuts down and refuses to talk about anything! I didn’t do anything to you, and you just get mad and stop talking! What’s that all about, huh?”
Brian stood glaring at me with his fists clenched at his sides for what felt like hours before he lowered his eyes and loosened his hands. He stared at the floor in front of my feet for another long while before taking a deep breath.
“Look, I’m sorry,” he began. “I just feel…frustrated.”
“About what?” I asked quietly.
“About the fact that I want to protect you, but I feel like you won’t let me do the things I need to do to ensure that you’re safe, and then you go and…” he trailed off.
“I go and do what?” I asked.
“You participate in that hateful group that does such awful things to members of the military. How could you?” he asked as he looked up. The hurt and pain in his eyes took my breath away.
“What hateful things?” I was confused by his accusation.
“Those anti-war groups protest at military funerals and say hateful things about people who’ve given their lives for their country,” he explained. “How could you participate in that kind of thing?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about!” I protested. “We don’t do those kinds of things!”
“I’ve seen the groups that do,” he said quietly. “They were at my best friend’s funeral when I accompanied his body back to the States. They had signs and literature that they were passing out about their anti-war activities.”
“Brian, we’ve never once protested at a funeral,” I assured him. “That would be rude and disrespectful of the people who’ve sacrificed their lives for our right to oppose war.”
“Then what do you do?” he asked. “What’s the purpose of an anti-war group that doesn’t protest?”
“We do protest,” I said. “We protest against unjust wars that use our military servicepeople as cannon fodder. We protest against the government’s lack of concern for the servicepeople who’ve returned home after the wars, and we protest against the use of violence to ensure peace! It’s all wrong!”
“It’s not wrong,” he muttered.
“Yes! It is horribly wrong to send young men and women out to fight a war that is simply about protecting oil and resources!” I yelled. “How can you say it’s not?”
“Because I fought the war! I fought for freedom and democracy and to get rid of a dictator that had brutally oppressed his people for decades!” Brian shouted back. “I was there, little girl. I saw what was going on and fought to bring peace to those people.”
“Little girl? Little girl?” I was pissed. “Don’t you dare dismiss me simply because I haven’t been over to Iraq and fought in the war. That’s the most asinine argument I’ve ever heard!”
“Oh, really?” Brian crossed the room and stood not more than a foot from me as he continued. “Then please explain to me why I went over there and spent years on the ground helping secure the territory. Please explain why I spent so much time away from my friends and family in order to patrol the cities and prevent violence. Please explain why I watched civilians get blown up by their own countrymen who were trying to kill me and my team! Please explain, Ava, why…” Brian stopped as a look of anguish tore across his face.
“Brian…” I began.
“No! Please explain why I watched my best friend die,” he choked on the words and then looked into my eyes and said, “Tell me why, Ava. Tell me why anything I did mattered. Tell me why the sacrifices we all made were required. Tell me, Ava, would you please?”
I had no answer for him. I had been stunned into silence by his tirade against my involvement with what I had seen as an honest attempt to stop war from happening. I hadn’t really thought about it from the soldiers’ point of view other than to not want any of them to be hurt or killed in the fighting of wars that weren’t of their making.
“Look, I have no answers,” I said as I reached out and gently touched his arm. Brian shrunk from my touch, but I continued. “All I wanted to do was to stop the needless fighting. I didn’t want people dying - not any people! I thought that if I got involved in the group we could petition our representatives and persuade others to sign the petition requesting that the U.S not get involved in wars that aren’t about freedom or democracy.”
Brian continued staring at my feet as I spoke. “I have never in my life ever done anything as rude or disrespectful as to protest at a soldier’s funeral, and I never would. I just don’t want people to die, Brian. That’s all. I just don’t want you or anyone you know to die in combat!”
I stood in front of him, out of breath and emotionally on edge from trying to explain myself. Brian continued staring silently at the floor before he raised his head and looked into my eyes. My heart cracked as I felt the waves of unspoken pain flowing between us. I didn’t want to break the silence, so I held his gaze as he reached out and ran a finger down my cheek before pushing the hair out of my eyes.
“Ava,” he whispered. “Go get dressed, you’re going to be late to your meeting.”
*****
As we walked to the quad and headed for the meeting, I thought about what we’d said to one another and I turned the discussion over and over as I thought about Brian’s misinformed view of the anti-war movement and how much pain it had obviously cost him. I was outraged that anyone claiming to be anti-war would ever dream of being anti-military member, but then I remembered hearing about some Midwestern church group who was using the funerals to promote their hate-filled, anti-gay message.
I turned and looked for Brian, but he was busy trying to blend in with the Sunday student crowd on the quad. He obviously didn’t want to talk about this with me, so I began formulating a plan. I’d have to run it by the group members, but I thought that once I explained the reasoning behind it, they would definitely agree with me and we could work to end the hateful practice of protesting military funerals.
Brian stayed outside the room while we discussed ways to take a stand against the groups that were using the funerals to promote their own hateful beliefs. We sketched out a plan on the whiteboard and then assigned group members to begin calling and emailing those we’d identified as allies. We might be a small group, I thought, but we’re mighty in our determination to do the right thing.
After the meeting, I walked outside and saw Brian sitting on a chair in the lounge area. He was obviously on high alert as he scanned the area, searching for any signs of Dominic. I smiled and waved at him to let him know I was ready to leave. I saw him furrow his brow as he looked past me, but when I spun around to see what had caused it, I saw nothing.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Nothing, I just thought—” he stopped and started intently at the other side of the student lounge, then shook his head and said, “Nothing. It’s nothing.”
“Okay, if you’re sure!” I chirped. “Do you want to go get some lunch and hear about the plan we came up with?”
“Do I have a choice?” he grinned.
“Of course you don’t,” I grinned back. Two could play this little game.
“Touché!” Brian burst out laughing as we walked to over to Charlie Chang’s for a lunch of bibimbap.
*****
“So, tell me about this plan of yours,” Brian said to me with a mouth full of kimchi.
“Don’t talk with your mouth full!” I laughed as I took a sip of my iced tea before popping a piece of the spicy cabbage in my mouth. Brian laughed at my admonition as the server put two steaming bowls down on the table and asked if there was anything else we needed. I smiled and shook my head.
“But seriously, tell me what you’ve got up your sleeve, Ava,” he said as he stirred a huge squirt of hot sauce into his lunch.
“When you said that you associated the anti-war groups with disrespect and meanness, I started thinking about how a small number of protesters are defining the movement in negative terms,” I said as I pulled apart my chopsticks and balanced them carefully in my right hand. Brian watched and shook his head as he pointedly began eating with his fork. “So, I suggested that we address the issue of those people who protest at funerals instead of spending so much time writing letters protesting a war that is already happening.”
“How do you think you’re going to affect the protestors?” he asked.
“We don’t think we’re going to affect them, per se,” I replied. “They’re using their protests to accomplish something entirely unrelated to the peace movement. They’re using servicepeople as a mechanism to promote their hatred of people who they feel are eroding moral values. It’s somewhat ironic that they’re religious people, because they seem to have missed the overall point of their own religion.”
“How so?” Brian asked. “They’re standing up for what they feel is right and they’re protesting against what they feel is wrong, aren’t they?”
“Yes, but they miss the whole point, love thy neighbor and all, that is what matters, right?” I looked up at him as I explained my take on the situation. I wasn’t sure he was buying it.
“Okay, I guess I can see your point, but I don’t understand what it is you think you’re going to do about it,” he replied as he brought another forkful of the delicious rice and vegetable combination to his mouth.
“We don’t think that we can change the people who are protesting, but we do think that we can show those who are not part of the group how damaging the practice is,” I said as I carefully measured my next words. “We think that if we can show how much pain and suffering these groups cause, then we can get average, everyday folks to step in and help stop the practice.”
“And how do you propose to accomplish this?” he asked.
“Well…” I took a deep breath and pushed forward. “We thought we could use your story to illustrate the way in which the protestors caused so much pain during the funeral of your friend. We’ve got a couple of members who are journalism majors and they would write articles for the newspaper and a couple of other internet outlets that they write for, and then we thought that we could write letters to the university administration asking them to support our attempts to get the city to stop allowing these folks to protest within a certain distance. We also thought that we could do what other cities have done and ask members of various clubs to come form a human wall around the funerals so that the friends and family members wouldn’t have to even see the protestors.”
Brian had stopped eating and was staring at me with steely eyes. I casually continued eating as I waited to hear his response to my plan.
“Absolutely not,” he said quietly. “You will not use my story and you will not bring me into this mess.”
“But Brian,” I countered. “We could do so much good!”
“By spewing my pain and suffering out into the world?” he demanded. “You want to use me to make some silly college political statement?”
“No! That’s not what we’re doing at all!” I cried. “We want to stop these people from causing other people as much pain as they’ve caused you!”
“By making me the face of all of the crap that’s going to come out about this?” He was angry and hurt, but I couldn’t understand why.
“But Brian, this is a good idea! We want to stop the protests!” I said as I felt myself becoming more emotional. Couldn’t he see that we wanted to help?
“You rich kids just don’t get it, do you?” His face grew red as he struggled to keep his voice down and not call attention to our heated argument. “You think that the world is full of like-minded people who have the same opinons you have and that if you just tell people to stop doing whatever you think is unfair, they will.”
“Now that’s unfair,” I lowered my voice to try and calm him down, but I felt myself getting mad at his judgmental attitude. “We’re not trying to tell anyone how to live their lives, we’re just trying to help you!”
“Have you ever thought about the fact that maybe I don’t want your help?” Brian asked as he leveled his gaze. “Did you ever ask me what I wanted? No, you did not. That’s because you rich college kids think you know everything that’s best for everyone. You’re so arrogant and privileged that you can’t look beyond your own lives and see that other people don’t live the way you do.”
“What does that have to do with anything?” I angrily asked.
“It has to do with the fact that those people who are protesting have every right to protest, and that if it hurts my poor little feelings, then I need to get over it, okay?” he said in a tone that could only be described as petulant.
“What in the hell is going on with you?” I was astounded at the rapid shift in our conversation and could not understand why Brian was so angry at me for wanting to spare other service members the pain he’d experienced at his best friend’s funeral.
“Just leave it alone,” he said as he exited the booth and headed for the door. “I’ll be outside waiting when you’re done.”
I made no move to stop him as he stalked toward the door and shoved it open with a force that loudly rung the bells looped over the handle. I think if he could have slammed the door behind him, he would have done it.
*****
I finished my lunch, paid the bill, and then walked outside. Brian was leaning against the front of the restaurant looking at his phone and furiously typing out something on the screen. As soon as he saw me, he disconnected and shoved the phone in his pocket.
“Oh, please don’t let me interrupt,” I said in a dry tone. I was mad at him for refusing to even try to see my point of view and for accusing me of being a spoiled rich girl simply because he didn’t agree with me.
“You didn’t,” he said. “Back to the dorm?”
“Yes, please,” I replied and began walking. Brian followed about 10 steps behind, and since I was mad, I set a fast pace.
The whole walk back I silently cursed him for being so stubborn and pigheaded, and by the time we reached the room, I was ready to explode. Instead, I entered the room, leaving the door open, grabbed my Psych book, and flopped down on the bed with the book open to a random page as I continued to fume. Brian entered the room, quietly shut the door and then sat on the couch flipping through his phone in silence.
“What are you studying?” he asked after a few minutes.
“None of your damn business!” I snapped.
“Really? Is that a lesson in psychology?” he asked with a serious expression. “I had no idea that there was a chapter on none of your damn business. What does it say?”
“It says that it’s none of your damn business!” I shouted. “Now shut up and let me study!”
“Oh now, that’s just obstinance,” he observed.
“What are you even talking about?”
“I’m sure that being educated and all, you know that the root of obstinance is not in achieving some aim in reality, but in establishing a subjective feeling of superiority, right?” he said casually as he continued poking at the screen of his phone.
“Ha ha. Very funny,” I replied, not at all amused. “Yes, you’re smart. You know things. Now know this: I don’t want to talk to you anymore.”
“Okay, your call,” he said with a shrug. “I was just trying to be helpful.”
I sat on my bed trying hard to contain the rage that was building inside me, but watching him mess with his phone only made it worse, and after a few minutes, I blew.
“If you really want to be helpful, then talk to me, darn it!” I shouted. “Don’t just criticize me and then walk away!”
“What was I supposed to do, Ava?” he asked. “Your father hired me to protect you, so it’s not my place to engage in a political struggle with you about something you know nothing about.”
“Oh, I see. You can’t engage in a conversation about something that you view as political, but you can have sex with me? That’s okay?” I grilled him, getting angrier by the minute.
“Yes, actually, that is okay, because having sex with you doesn’t cause me the kind of headache that having a political discussion with you does!” He raised his voice to match mine.
“Oh, really? Talking with me about something serious gives you a headache?” I hollered as I hopped up off of the bed and crossed the room so that I was standing over him.
“Actually, it does!” he yelled back as he pushed himself up off the couch and stood glaring back at me.
“Then why do you keep engaging in conversations with me?” I shouted back. I was trying to control my anger as well as the fact that this argument had aroused me in a way I didn’t know was possible. Brian’s strong will made him even more attractive, and the fact that he stood up to me without using force or violence aroused me.
“Because…because…” he stuttered angrily as he held my gaze.
“Because what?” I demanded as I closed the gap between us and stood only inches from him, looking up into his eyes. “C’mon, spit it out, sailor!”
“Because I can’t stop!” he admitted as he roughly grabbed my waist and pulled me to him. “I can’t stop wanting you, Ava! You drive me crazy with your idealistic views and your academic approach to things, but that makes me want you even more!”
He bent down and kissed me hard as he crushed my body against his. In an instant, my arms were around his neck, and I was returning the kiss with a fierceness I had never felt before.
“But you’re so stubborn,” I whispered into his lips as the savage kiss continued. His hands roamed my body, pushing my shirt up before yanking it off to give him access to my bare skin. He quickly pulled the tiny skirt I was wearing down to my knees, letting it pool around my feet, and in seconds, I was nearly naked.
“It takes one to know one, you know?” he growled as he moved his lips to the base of my neck and not-so-gently nipped at the soft skin.
“Hey!” I cried before reaching down and grabbing the hem of his T-shirt, pulling it up, and exposing his chest so that I could administer a few bites of my own. He cried out as my teeth sank into his smooth flesh, and he quickly grabbed a fistful of my long hair and pulled back, leaving me panting as I looked up at him with a dangerous gleam in my eyes.
“Oh, so it’s like that, is it?” he grinned as he held tightly to the makeshift leash he’d created, then firmly pulled my head back, leaned down, and forced my lips apart with his tongue. I melted into his hungry kiss as I felt him firmly pulling at the flimsy fabric covering my breasts.
“Wait,” I cried into his mouth, but before I could reach around and unhook my bra, Brian had let go of my hair and reached into his pocket, pulled out a switchblade, which he quickly flicked open and used to slice through the lace.
“Oh, yes,” he breathed as he made quick work of the shoulder straps and watched it fall to the floor. “So much better.” He wrapped an arm around me and pulled me to him as his fingers found one of my nipples and began tugging and pinching as he watched my face. I struggled for a moment, but the jolt of electricity that ran from my nipple to my clit made me forget what I was struggling against. I grabbed the sides of his face and tried to pull him back to my lips, but he had other plans, and he smiled as he dipped his head and captured my other nipple between his lips and began sucking and licking.
A low moan escaped from my lips as Brian bit down on the sensitive bud, and I gripped the back of his head and pulled him tightly to my breast. I could feel his fingers snaking down my body and slipping between my thighs, brushing the soaked fabric that barely covered my very wet pussy.
“Mmmmmm,” he hummed as he sucked harder while caressing the hot, wet valley between my legs until I began pushing back as I urged him to go further.
“Please? Please? Please?” I begged as he increased the pressure of his strokes while licking and biting my nipple. The combined sensations of pleasure and pain were making me wetter and wetter as he teased me, and he knew this. I looked down and gasped as he pinched one nipple painfully while he gently bathed the other with the flat side of his tongue. I could feel his hand between my legs, teasing as he slowly made his way past the fabric barrier.
An instant later, I felt him pull his hand back and loop his fingers over the edge of my panties as he tugged them down to my ankles. He lifted his mouth from my breast and ordered, “Step out of them,” before returning his attention to the swollen tips. I stepped out of my panties and felt him tap his hand between my thighs as a signal for me to spread them.
And I did.
Brian’s hand lightly brushing up the insides of my thighs nearly made me pass out. It was too much; the pain, the soft pleasure, the want, the need. Unable to form any words, I moaned louder and willed his hand to move higher as I buried my fingers in his hair and held him at my breast. He took his time as he moved upward, teasing and torturing me with his touch; sliding his fingers between the silky folds of my nether lips, and slowly stroking a path from front to back.
I whimpered as I spread my legs wider and thrust my hips forward as I tried to push his fingers up inside my needy pussy. Brian pulled back from my breast, smiled, and then sank to his knees in front of me. Keeping one hand on my hip, he pushed me backwards until my knees hit the edge of the couch, and then he shoved me just hard enough to force me to sit. In seconds, he’d pushed me back and grabbed my ankles so that he could drape my legs over his shoulders.
“Brian!” I cried as I felt him trace a path of fiery wetness down my belly with his tongue.
“What?” He looked up at me questioningly. The desire in his eyes mirrored my own, so I shook my head and let it go. He nodded, “Uh huh,” and then returned to the path he was forging on my body. I had never been so heightened in my awareness of my own body, but somehow, he managed to draw out every sensation; every desire, as he kissed and stroked and caressed every inch of my naked skin with his tongue, his lips, and his hands.
When he had licked his way to the wet heat between my legs, he stopped for a moment and looked up at me as he gently teased me with his fingers. I whimpered again as I nodded. I wanted to beg, but I knew better than to open my mouth and ask.
Seconds later, he grabbed each of my thighs with his large hands and used his thumbs to splay my pussy lips wide open. The rush of cool air made me cry out just before Brian buried his face in the wetness. The moan that escaped my lips was an anguished cry as his tongue began teasing my exposed clit. He dragged his tongue over it lightly as he slid his thumbs up and down, stopping to coat his fingers in my wetness before sliding back up to spread me open again. The slow rhythm of his tongue and fingers soon took over and pushed my brain to the edge of pleasure as he licked and sucked and teased me into a frenzy.
Since my legs were draped over his shoulders. I couldn’t push enough to lift my hips, but my hands were free and so I reached down, grabbed the back of his head, and pushed him down hard as I tried to find a way to push his tongue or his fingers inside me.
“I need it! I need it! Oh God, I need it!” I pleaded as I pushed him down harder. “Brian, fuck me! Fuck me! I can’t take any more! Please!”
Seconds later, he slid his long, thick fingers deep inside my aching pussy as his tongue continued to work its magic on my clit. Soon, I was bucking and writhing beneath him as he drove me to the edge of an orgasm that threatened to consume me. The flicking tongue, the knobby fingers, the long hard strokes followed by short thrusts as he licked and sucked and sucked and licked all pushed me over the edge, and I screamed as I came.
“Brian! Brian! Brian!” I chanted as I flew off the edge of the cliff and fell into the orgasm below. He kept thrusting into me as I came, and while he lightened the pressure of his tongue, he didn’t stop licking my clit. Soon, we were building toward a second orgasm, and when we found it, he released me into the air and sat back to watch me fly. He gently continued sliding his fingers in and out as I returned to consciousness, and when I looked up at him with wild eyes, he smiled and cupped my cheek.
“Welcome back, beautiful,” he whispered. “Have a good trip, did you?”
I gave him a dazed nod and then promptly fell fast asleep.
*****
The next morning, I woke to a loud pounding on my door. At first I thought it was a fire alarm, and sat up frantically trying to think about what I needed to grab before running down the exit stairway.
“It’s okay, Ava,” Brian called from the couch. “I’ll take care of it.”
I nodded and lay back down as he went to the door and looked out the peephole to see who it was. He frowned as he stood at the door, then stepped back and put one hand inside his hoodie.
“What is it?” I whispered as I sat up and grabbed my phone from the beside table, preparing to call security.
“Quiet!” he ordered as he again looked through the peephole and frowned. He reached out and slowly turned the doorknob, then cracked the door open to get a better view of the hallway. When he saw nothing there, he opened the door a little wider and stuck his head out.
“Brian, what is it?” I asked in a stage whisper.
“It’s nothing,” he replied as he stepped into the hall and looked up and down for signs of an intruder. When he found nothing, he shrugged and stepped back in the room. As he did, I saw something on the floor flutter under his feet.
“Hey, there’s something on the ground,” I called.
“What the hell?” he said as he bent and picked up a large white envelope that had my name typed on the front, but no address. After he’d shut and locked the door, then double-checked to make sure it was secure, Brian brought the envelope to me and sat down on the edge of the bed. “You don’t have to open that, you know?”
“Yes, I do,” I replied.
“We can call the police and hand it over to them and let them work on this,” he reminded me.
“No, we can’t,” I reminded him. “If we do that, then they’ll leak the details to the press, and my father will be really pissed about the scandal and you’ll be fired.”
“Would that be so bad?” he asked.
“You have no idea what my father is capable of,” I replied. “He would shift the blame to you and ruin your career.”
“What career?” Brian laughed. “I’m a glorified security guard, it’s not like I’ve got a future in high level espionage or something.”
“Just don’t,” I said quietly. Brian stopped laughing and watched as I slid my finger under the flap and opened the envelope. I shook as I reached in and grasped the edge of the paper inside, and as tears welled up in my eyes, Brian reached over and took the envelope out of my hands.
“Here, let me do that,” he offered. He quickly pulled out the sheet inside and read it. I couldn’t see what it said, but I could see that the entire thing was written in red ink that had bled through the page. The writer had pressed hard as they’d composed their message, and there were places on the paper that looked like they’d almost been torn. In those spots the ink had formed an ominously crimson pool. I shivered as I watched Brian read the note again.
“What does it say?” I asked. When he didn’t respond, I asked again. “What does it say?”
Brian shook his head and started to fold the note and put it back in the envelope.
“Brian, what does the note say?” I was starting to feel panicked. I reached out and grabbed the note from his hand and read it.
My Dearest Ava,
For the longest time I loved you and tried to provide the best possible life for you – for us. I gave you everything a woman could possibly want, and I showered you with love and affection that many women would die for, but you rejected all of that for some unknown reason. I don’t know what I did to drive you away aside from loving you with every fiber of my being.
Now I see that you have quickly replaced me with some substandard replica of what you think a man is. Does he love you the way I loved you? Does he cherish you and treat you like the jewel you are? Does he give you the life that I gave you?
No, how could he? He is an imposter. Someone who does not know the demands of the kind of world we inhabit. He is a foreigner. An outsider. He can never give you the things that I could give you, and he will never win the approval of your demanding family. The best he can do is to act as a shield and attempt to protect you from the only man who has ever loved you.
Why won’t you come back, Ava, my love? Why can’t you see how much I adore you? How much I worship you? Why can’t you accept that we are meant to be together and that no matter what stands in the way, I will never, ever give up on doing everything in my power to ensure that you are returned to me?
You belong to me, Ava. You are mine.
Please stop fighting what I know you know is the right thing. We are meant to be together. We are meant to shape a life that will be full and beautiful together. I want to marry you and raise a family with you.
Only with you, Ava.
Why are you being so stubborn and refusing to see that we are ordained by God to be together? Come back to me, Ava. Come back and I will fulfill you beyond your wildest dreams. I will give you the moon and the stars. I will move heaven and earth to ensure that you are happy. All the riches of the world will be at your disposal and I will make sure that no one ever disturbs you or makes you unhappy.
Only I can do that for you, Ava. You know this to be true. I’m the one who loves you more than anyone else.
Please come back to me, Ava. I need you. I need you to be with me.
If you can’t come back to me, I promise that I will come and find you, Ava. I will come for you and rescue you from the clutches of those who would silence you and keep you from me.
And I am telling you now that if that Neanderthal has in any way hurt you, I will do more than simply rescue you. If he has hurt you, I will end him.
Why won’t you come back to me, Ava? Why are you staying with him? Why don’t you choose me?
I am warning you, Ava. If you don’t return to me, I will find you. I will hunt you down and I will reclaim you as my own. And if you won’t come with me and be mine, as you should be, the consequences will be dire.
If you refuse to welcome me back into your life, then you will have no life at all, and neither will the loser who thinks you love him.
Loving you always,
D.
As I read the note, I felt sick. Dominic was obviously delusional, and reading his rambling thoughts on how our “relationship” needed to be rekindled made me simultaneously outraged and disgusted.
“Ava, are you okay?” Brian asked as he watched me read the note for a third time.
“Fine,” I said absently. “I’m fine.”
“You don’t look fine,” he pointed out. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
I looked up at Brian and threw my hands up in the air. “How do I even counter his inability to live in reality?” I asked helplessly.
“Ava, we need to go to the police,” he said quietly.
“No! I told you, we can’t do that!” I cried.
“But I’m starting to wonder if he’s lost it,” Brian said. “And if he has, then I might not be able to protect you from his psychotic break. This is about your safety, Ava, not your father’s ego.”
“Stop it! I know that!” I yelled. I was panicked because I knew that this note was not a good sign, but I also knew that notifying the police would set off a reaction from my father that might end with Brian being fired and me never seeing him again. I couldn’t stand the thought of not being with him or feeling him touch me ever again. I looked up into his eyes and willed him to understand what it was that I couldn’t say.
“Ava, we have to do something,” he said as he reached out and cupped my face. “We can’t sit around and wait for him to make his move. It’s not safe.”
I nodded as I folded the note and put it back in the envelope. I had no idea what to do next. How could we protect me from Dominic’s imagination? What would he do to me? What would he do to Brian? The thought of Dominic harming Brian made me ill, but I had no plan for how to protect him.
“I don’t know what to do,” I admitted. “And I’m scared…”
“I know,” Brian said as he wrapped his arms around me and rested his chin on my head. “We’ll figure something out. Together.”
*****
“Ava, we’re going to have to move out of here for a while,” Brian said. “You know that you’re not safe here, don’t you?”
I nodded and fought back the rising panic that threatened to swallow me. The thoughts raced through my mind: Why do I have to move? Why can’t Dominic just leave me alone? Why is my life such a mess? Brian held me tight as I fought to get my bearings, and once I’d calmed down, he began making plans to try and shore up my security.
I began packing a bag as he sat on the couch and tapped out text after text, arranging for us to move out of the dorm until Dominic could be located, questioned, and, hopefully, locked up. The sound of Brian’s phone ringing broke the silence and he stepped out into the hall to answer it.
I continued sorting out my clothes and trying to decide what would be necessary and what would simply be an unnecessary burden to carry with me. Then I went into the bathroom and began gathering my things. I wanted to leave the room looking like I was still living here so that when the dorm housekeeper came in to collect trash and dust, she wouldn’t notify the RA who was supposed to be keeping watch over us all. The last thing I needed was to have the university involved in this mess since my father sat on the executive advisory board and would most likely turn the place upside down if he found out they’d been harboring a criminal who was after his daughter. I was tired of being the outsider everywhere I went; tired of being seen as either the poor little rich girl or the stuck-up snob. I was neither of those things, and I wanted a chance to solve this problem on my own.
Besides, the problem with Dominic was entirely my fault. I knew that for certain, but I couldn’t tell anyone—not even Brian.
“Alright, we’ve got a place to stay and we’ve got a team in place to help us move without being seen,” Brian announced as he reentered the room with a smile on his face.
“Uh huh,” I nodded as I tossed a small cosmetics bag into my duffle bag that was already stuffed to the gills.
“Ava, we’re just going across town, not to another country,” he joked.
“I know, but I want stuff that’s familiar,” I said in a choked voice. I was trying so hard to keep it together that I feared one wrong word and I’d lose it.
“I’m teasing you,” he said gently as he crossed he room and put a hand on my shoulder. “It’s all going to be okay, Ava. I promise. I’ve got friends who are going to help me flush out Dominic and get him to where the police can track him on their own.”
“I just…just…just…” I stammered as I turned and looked up at him, my eyes brimming with tears that threatened to spill down my cheeks.
“I know, and it’s okay,” he said softly. “It’s all going to be okay.”
I nodded as I turned back to the bed and zipped my bag. I didn’t fully believe that everything was going to be okay, but I was choosing to believe Brian—for now.
*****
Once I’d packed up, Brian told me to wait in the room while he carried my bag down to the SUV and checked to make sure the path downstairs was safe. When he returned, he told me to do one more check to make sure I had everything I needed before we headed out. I surveyed the room and felt a little sad to be deserting it, and a little nostalgic since Brian and I had had our hottest sex in there.
The little bubble of laughter that escaped from my lips as I thought about this made Brian tip his head and look at me like a confused puppy. That made me laugh harder, and soon he joined me, and the dark mood that had clouded the day began to lift.
“C’mon, let’s get out of here,” Brian said as he motioned for me to follow him down to the vehicle.
As we drove away from the dorm, Brian turned on the radio, and as the sound filled my ears, I started to relax. The past week had been the single most stressful time in my life aside from the week I actually decided to leave Dominic. I thought about that week and shuddered as I remembered how frightened I’d been and how unsure I was of what I was going to do next.
“Are you okay?” Brian asked as he turned down the volume.
“Yeah, just thinking,” I replied as I watched the scenery flashing past.
“What are you thinking about?” he probed.
“Just thinking about all that’s happened,” I said. “How messed up it all is.”
“It’s going to get better, Ava,” he reassured me. “We’re going to get Dominic out of the picture and then you can have your life back, and I won’t have to follow you everywhere.”
“Yeah, right,” I turned toward him, smiled weakly, and then looked back out the window.
“Has he always threatened you this way?” Brian asked.
“Pretty much,” I said quietly. “Well, not in the beginning, of course. In the beginning he was all sweetness and light. I fell so hard for that act.”
“He’s pretty manipulative,” Brian echoed.
“He’s…so seductive,” I whispered. “He sucked me in before I knew what had happened and because I’d never known what it was like to have someone focus on me and me alone, I thought what he was doing was what love should be like. I had no idea.”
Brian remained silent as I tried to gather my thoughts and organize them in a way that I could use to make him understand how dangerous Dominic could be. I was more worried about what would happen to Brian than I was about what would happen to me. Dominic had already beaten me within an inch of my life and proven that he had no desire to actually kill me, but Brian…when it came to Brian, I knew what Dominic was capable of because I’d seen it before.
“I’m just worried about you,” I said once I’d regained some clarity.
“Don’t worry about me, it’s you that we need to focus on,” he said. “You didn’t answer my question, though. Has he always threatened you like this?”
“Yes,” I answered simply. “He always threatened me, but he never followed through on his threats. He might have beaten me to teach me a lesson, but he never came anywhere near killing me.”
“Something has changed,” Brian mused.
“It’s you,” I replied. “He’s never had anyone who challenged him for my affection the way you do.”
“Do I?” he asked as he looked at the road ahead.
“Do you what?”
“Do I challenge him for your affection?” Brian asked.
“Well, you know what I mean!” I protested. I wasn’t ready to get caught up in a romance with my bodyguard, no matter how much I liked him and how good I felt when I was with him. “I just mean, in his head he sees you as the competition. He’s delusional!”
Brian’s mouth formed a thin line as he nodded and made a left turn into the hotel parking lot. He’d driven us a good distance away from the campus in an attempt to move me out of range. Maybe if Dominic couldn’t detect me anywhere on campus, he’d stop this pursuit and I’d be safe.
As we pulled up to the front door, I looked at Brian and said, “I’m not kidding, I’m worried about you.”
Brian reached out and cupped my cheek in a gesture that was becoming achingly familiar and comforting, and said, “And I’m worried about you, and only you.”
The blood rushed to my cheeks as the hotel bellhop opened my door and cheerfully chirped, “Welcome to the Midway, folks! Can I get your bags?”
*****
We checked in without incident and the nice bellhop carried our bags to up to the large suite we’d be occupying for an indefinite period of time. Brian remarked that neither of us had eaten anything all day, so we called down to room service and ordered enough food to feed the Navy, and laughed that we’d be eating leftovers for days.
“I’m going to take a shower before the food gets here,” Brian called as he entered the bathroom and turned on the water.
“Want some company?” I teased.
“Nope, this is strictly business, and I’d appreciate you keeping it that way,” he deadpanned with a towel wrapped around his waist. I gave him an appreciative once-over and grinned as he said, “And I’d appreciate you keeping your unsavory thoughts to yourself, young lady. This is neither the time nor the place for such lascivious displays of unladylike behavior.”
I burst into a fit of giggles as he grinned and ducked into the bathroom. I liked his easy sense of humor and his way of disarming me when I felt panicked or overwhelmed, and his hot body was an unexpected, but welcome, bonus. In no time, Brian emerged from the steamy room shirtless in a pair of tight-fitting jeans as he towel-dried his hair. I feigned swooning and he chuckled and rolled his eyes.
“Your turn!” he said as he pointed the way to the bathroom. “I cleaned it up so you wouldn’t be subjected to my dude mess.”
“Your dude mess?” I questioned.
“Yeah, the wet towels on the floor, water on the sink and other signs that a dude had occupied the facilities,” he laughed. “I know how you ladies prefer a sparkling clean environment in which to get ready.”
“Oh my gosh, you’re crazy!” I laughed.
“Yes. Yes I am,” he smiled. “I mean it’s not like you women don’t make a mess of the place in the process of making yourselves pretty.”
“What the heck are you taking about?” I demanded with a laugh.
“I don’t know, I’ve always wondered if the beauty of a woman is in direct proportion to the amount of mess she leaves in the room where she makes the pretty happen,” he mused. “What do you think?”
“I think you’re nuts!” I laughed harder as I dug through my bag and located the items I’d need, then headed into the bathroom and shut the door. The hot water felt heavenly as I shampooed my hair and shaved my legs, and for the first time in a week, I actually felt safe. I relaxed a little as I dried off and then pulled on my clothes. “Is the food here yet?” I called through the closed door.
“Not yet! But they called and said they’d be up within 10 minutes,” Brian yelled back.
Knowing that I had a bit of time, I dabbed on a little foundation and stroked a couple of layers of mascara on my lashes before dabbing my lips with a bit of pink lip gloss. I stepped back from the mirror as I ran a comb through my hair and appraised myself. Considering that I hadn’t slept much and that I was a bundle of nerves, I didn’t look half bad. I looked at my reflection and said, “You’re going to be okay, Ava.” I wasn’t sure if I believe it, but it felt good to reassure myself. I hung up my towel, wiped down the sink, and then exited the bathroom just as the room server knocked on the door.
Instinctively, I headed for the door, but Brian bounded ahead of me and pushed me out of the way. He motioned toward the chair in the corner and indicated that I should go sit down. I shrugged and went over and sat down.
“Who is it?” Brian called through the door.
“Room service, sir,” came the reply.
Brian cracked the door and took a good look at the delivery person before he opened the door and stepped out. Before he invited him in, Brian checked each of the plates by lifting the cover and sniffing the food. I smiled as I realized what he was doing and wondered what the delivery guy was thinking, but if the guy thought it was weird, he gave no indication, and simply nodded as Brian invited him in. He rolled the cart over near the couch and handed the bill to Brian, who signed it and thanked him.
Moments later, we were digging into the feast as if we’d never eaten before.
We ate in silence, and I knew we were thinking about the same things. How to keep each other safe from Dominic being the primary issue. I watched Brian digging into his burger and wondered what he would look like sitting at my family’s table during the holidays. Then, realizing how ridiculous that sounded, I shook my head and returned to eating my own food.
“What?” Brian asked.
“Nothing,” I replied as I took a huge bite of my sandwich so that I would have an excuse not to talk.
“Okay, just checking,” he shrugged and popped a fry in his mouth, then took a big gulp of the soda in front of him. “This food isn’t half bad, is it?”
“Mmmmph, rths not,” I mumbled through the food.
“Personally I prefer foie gras with a good pinot,” he said casually. “Well, when I could still drink pinot and not black out.”
“You what?” I said almost choking on the fry I’d just bitten into.
“What? You thought I was just a dumb musclehead?” he asked with a smile. “That I guzzled cheap beer and didn’t know the difference between pinot and cabernet?”
“No, I just…”
“You just thought I didn’t know about the finer things, did you?” he was serious now.
“I guess, if I’m honest, I didn’t think you did,” I admitted. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” he said. “It’s a common mistake. No hard feelings.”
“I’m sorry, Brian,” I said more quietly, setting my sandwich down and leaning back on the couch. Between the worrying and the teasing, I’d lost my appetite.
“Ava, don’t get mad,” he said. “I’m sorry I baited you into that. It’s just that that letter really got to me. I’m not stupid.”
“No one said you were,” I replied.
“I know, but having a rich educated guy say that I’m not smart enough to be with someone like you, well…” he trailed off.
“I get it,” I said.
“Do you?”
“I mean, I don’t get it get it, but I understand why it might be something that would dig at you,” I replied.
Brian nodded as he finished off his burger, and then stared at my plate.
“Oh my God,” I laughed. “Go ahead, finish mine. I’m done.”
“You sure?” he asked.
“Yes, I’m positive. Eat it!” I laughed harder when I saw the forlorn look on his face. “You are so pathetic.”
Brian happily polished off the rest of my sandwich and all of the fries that had grown cold on my plate, then he searched the cart and found dessert hiding on the shelf under the main serving area.
“Ooooh, look at this! Chocolate cake and cheesecake!” he announced as he pulled he plates out and set them in front of me.
“None for me, I’m stuffed,” I said as I held a hand up.
“Fine, then all the more for me!” he cried as he dug in to the chocolate cake.
I watched him devour the sweets and marveled at his appetite and his ability to find the good in even the most stressful situation. He smiled as he polished off the cake and then moved on to the cheesecake.
“How can you eat all of that and not get sick?” I asked.
“Training, it’s all about the training,” he said as he tucked another forkful in his mouth.
I shook my head and laughed, but when I looked back over, Brian had frozen with the fork halfway to his mouth. He was listening intently to some sound that only he could hear, and all amusement had disappeared from his face. There was something happening, and I was attuned enough to his way of monitoring things that I didn’t even ask. I just waited for him to give me a signal.
Silently, he set the fork on the table before he got up and moved toward the door. He put his ear to the door and listened as he held up a hand indicating that I should be silent, too. I nodded and held my breath, and after what felt like forever, Brian dropped his hand and came back to the table where he picked up his fork and finished off the last bite of cheesecake.
“What was that?” I asked, stunned that he could just flip the switch and go back to what he was doing while I was still shaking.
“Nothing, I guess,” he said. “I thought I heard something outside the door.”
“Thanks, Captain Obvious,” I said with a wry grin.
“That’s Admiral Obvious to you, missy,” he grinned.
I groaned and fell back on the couch. I wasn’t sure if he’d actually heard something or not, but I trusted his instincts and wasn’t going to question them, even if he did tell really bad jokes.
*****
Brian sat down on the couch, grabbed the remote, and looked for the local newscast. We watched in silence for a bit, but it had been a draining day, and it wasn’t long before I felt myself nodding off. I pushed myself up off the couch and went to brush my teeth before turning in for the night. Brian was glued to his phone as he frantically texted someone and didn’t notice me leave the room.
“Ava!” he shouted just as I had put my toothbrush in my mouth.
“Whgut?” I said through a mouth of toothpaste.
“Ava!” his voice was frantic and I could hear him rushing around the room. I stepped toward the doorway just as he yanked back the door, slamming it into the wall, shouting, “Where have you been?”
I bent over and spit into the sink then straightened up and said, “Right here, in the bathroom, brushing my teeth. Where did you think I’d gone?”
“I don’t know,” he mumbled as he turned around. “I was just worried. Don’t do that!”
“Do what?” I asked.
“Disappear on me!” he insisted.
“But I didn’t disappear!” I argued. “You were on your phone and I simply got up and came into the bathroom! Chill out, sailor!”
“Whatever,” he grumbled as he checked his phone again.
I finished up in the bathroom and then went to find my pajamas. As I dug through my bag, I could hear Brian rapidly tapping the screen of his phone in the other room. I had no idea what he was doing, but I decided that maybe I didn’t want to know.
“I’m going to bed now,” I called as I stuck my head out of the bedroom. “I’m sleepy and I want to rest, okay?”
Brian grunted, but otherwise didn’t respond, so I walked out of the bedroom and around to the front of the couch.
“Brian, I’m going to bed now,” I said. When he didn’t respond, I leaned down and touched his shoulder to let him know I was speaking. In an instant he shot up off the couch, grabbed my wrist, spun me around and had me in a chokehold with my arm behind my back. I screamed, and he immediately dropped his hold and backed off.
“What are you doing?” I yelled as my heart raced from the adrenaline that the scare had sent coursing through my veins. “It’s ME!”
Brian hung his head and sheepishly looked at the floor as he mumbled, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“What is going on with you?” I asked, worried that there was something really wrong and wondering if it was safe for me to go to sleep if there was.
“I just got caught up in texting and forgot where I was,” he grudgingly admitted.
“That’s not okay!” I yelled. “You scared me to death!”
“I’m sorry, Ava,” he said.
“Brian, what is going on? You’ve been on edge ever since we got here, and you’re scaring me,” I said.
“I’m sorry, Ava,” he repeated. “I’m just worried.”
“Yeah, well, get a grip,” I shot back. “You’re going to give me a heart attack and then you’ll have nothing to worry about.”
He smiled a little, and then looked up at me with worried eyes. “I don’t know what this guy is planning, and I’m worried that I won’t be able to counter whatever he comes up with.”
“Well, we’re safe for the night, aren’t we?” I asked.
“Yeah, as far as I know,” he replied.
“Then come to bed,” I said.
“I can’t, I’m going to sleep out here tonight,” he said. “It’s better that way.”
“No, it’s not,” I whispered as I moved close to him and rested my palms on his chest. “I need you with me tonight. Please?”
He looked at me for a long time before nodding slightly and leaning down to kiss my forehead. “Alright, but let me get the room secured.”
I nodded and turned toward the bedroom, when I looked back I saw him moving around the room checking all of the windows, then the door lock, and putting something over each of the entries to the room. He saw me and smiled as I shot him a questioning look.
“It’s in case someone tries to break it,” he explained. “I’ll hear them and have time to counter the attack.”
“Attack?” I asked. “You’re expecting an attack?”
“Well, you know what I mean,” he said. Then dropped his voice and said, “I just want to keep you safe, Ava.”
I motioned toward the bedroom and with a suggestive grin said, “Then come snuggle up next to me and shield me.”
“Aye, aye!” he said as he returned the grin.
It wasn’t long before Brian climbed into bed next to me and held out his arms. I moved into them and rested my cheek on his chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart and feeling safe and warm wrapped in his strong arms. We were both asleep in minutes.
*****
I was pulled out of a sound sleep by the sound of moaning and crying.
At first I thought it was a dream, that I’d been pulled back into the nightmare of my relationship with Dominic and that the cries were mine and that I was fighting him off again, but soon I realized that it wasn’t me that was crying, it was Brian. I rolled over and found him restlessly tossing and turning as he called out in an unintelligible language. I reached over and shook him a little, but that seemed to increase the volume of his cries, and he was now thrashing on the far side of the king-sized bed; his feet and arms flailing as he began yelling. I still couldn’t understand what he was saying, but I knew better than to try and slide over and wake him up, so I called out, “Brian! Brian! It’s me, Ava! Wake up! You’re dreaming!”
He continued moaning and thrashing, and now it seemed to be getting worse. I yelled again and gently lobbed my pillow at him, hoping that the impact would somehow jar him out of the dream state he was in. Instead, he grabbed the pillow and began wrestling with it as if it were a person who was intent on doing him harm.
“Brian!” I called with urgency in my voice. “Brian, wake up! It’s just a dream!”
He thrashed harder now and began to yelled, “Get down, get down! No! No! Get down!” over and over again. I realized he was in the midst of a nightmare about something else, somewhere else, but I didn’t know how to bring him back to me. It wasn’t long before the yelling turned to screaming, and his frantic attempts to escape whatever horror he was reliving caused him to fall off the bed and hit the floor with a loud thud. The screaming stopped and I rushed to the other side of the bed to find Brian laying tangled in the sheets with a dazed look on his face.
“Ava?” he said in a small voice.
“Yes, Brian, I’m here,” I replied as I tentatively reached out to stroke his head. I wasn’t sure how awake he was and I didn’t want to startle him, so I waited for him to give me another signal.
“Ava? What…” he began before he looked up at me and then down at where he lay. He quickly sat up and pulled his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them as he buried his face between his knees. Uncertain as to what he needed, I stroked his head softly and slowly as I felt him begin to shake.
“Brian?” I whispered. “I’m here. What do you need?”
He shook his head slowly as he continued to shake. It wasn’t long before he began to rock back and forth, as if he were trying to comfort himself. I heard the sound of sobs being choked back as he focused on breathing deeply and rocking. I left my hand on his head and waited silently.
It took many, many minutes before he was calm enough to look up at me, but when he did, my heart broke. His face was contorted by pain and fear, and the only thing I could do was drop to my knees next to him and pull his head to my chest and hold him tightly against my body. Brian wrapped his arms around my waist and buried his face in my chest.
“It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay,” I whispered over and over. “You’re okay. You’re safe.”
Brian shook his head and mumbled something I couldn’t hear.
“What did you say?” I asked.
“I’m not okay,” he murmured.
“Yes, you are,” I replied.
“No, Ava, I’m not okay!” he growled as he lifted his head and gave me a fierce look. “I’m so messed up, and I’m never going to be okay.”
“What’s going on?” I asked, bewildered by the sudden shift in the power dynamic as I realized that I was protecting him from something neither of us could see.
“It’s so screwed up,” he muttered as he shook his head. “I’ve kept it under control all week, but the lack of sleep and the stress of trying to keep you safe…”
“What? What did it do?” I pushed.
“It triggered the nightmares,” he admitted with a deep sigh.
“Nightmares?”
“Yeah, from the war,” he replied. “Ava, they told me I have PTSD and that I’m going to probably live with it all my life. The memories aren’t going to go away, but in order to manage them I have to get enough rest, stay away from drugs and alcohol, and not get into situations where stress rules the roost.”
“Then why are you doing this job?” I asked.
“Because I didn’t think it would be a big deal,” he admitted with a wry grin. “I mean, really, what’s so hard about babysitting a college girl whose ex-boyfriend is a jerk?”
I laughed a little as I heard him sum up what in any other world would have been a super easy security job, but I felt bad that my situation had caused him such pain and anguish.
“Yeah, that sounds like a cakewalk…if it wasn’t me,” I replied with a grin. “I’m sorry, Brian.”
“It’s not your fault,” he said as he reached up and cupped my face. “It’s mine for not managing it better.”
“Brian, what are we going to do?” I asked.
“We need to call the police and tell them what’s going on,” he said seriously. “I can’t maintain protection on my own, Ava. Dominic is off the rails and we need help here.”
“We can’t!” I cried. “You know that! You know I can’t get the police involved in this!”
“Ava, it’s not safe,” he said. “Not for you, and now, not for me either.”
I looked at him for a long while before I got up off the floor and looked down at him as I quietly replied, “Fine. If you need to back out and let my father hire someone else, then I understand.”