PROTECTOR #5
After I’d laid down the law on going to the police, Brian looked at me silently, then rolled over and went back to sleep without another word. I lay awake for a long time thinking about the consequences of calling the police and about what the stress of having to work this situation alone was doing to a man I was quickly becoming attached to, but in the end, I couldn’t see how we could involve the police in this without it becoming a nightmare for my father. Right before dawn, I drifted off into a fitful sleep.
The next morning, I woke up early and moved to the living room, where I sat on the couch staring out the window as Brian slept. There were lots of things about him that I didn’t understand, and I wasn’t sure I’d ever understand them. He’d obviously been through a lot in the military, and the effects of his experiences were rearing their ugly heads as he tried to balance his job with what he was feeling for me. Every day we grew closer, but was it really a bond that could last or was it simply the result of being cooped up together in this emergency situation that forced us to keep moving closer?
I was tired of running. I was tired of being afraid of Dominic. I’d spent a year trying to extract myself from his choking grip, and now I was right back to where I started. When would it ever end?
“Hey, you’re up early,” Brian said as he emerged from the bedroom, rubbing his sleepy eyes.
“Yeah, I couldn’t sleep,” I replied in a tired voice before looking up at him. “You okay?”
“Huh?” he gave me a confused look. “Yeah, I’m fine. Why?”
“Well, last night was kind of intense,” I said.
“Oh, that,” he looked away and then walked toward the window. “Yeah, well…”
“You want to talk about it?” I asked.
With his back to me, he shook his head and then walked over, grabbed the remote, and flipped on the news. The sound of the morning’s activities filled the silent room, acting as a deterrent for more questions. He didn’t want to talk with me, but I didn’t accept this.
“Brian,” I said loud enough to be heard over the television. “You know there are places where you can get help for PTSD, right?”
“I don’t recall asking you for advice,” he said in a low voice.
“I’m just saying that there are ways you can deal with this!” I replied. I wasn’t going to let him brush me off that easily.
“You know what, Ava?” he growled. “I think it would be wise if you’d clean up your own house before you start trying to air out mine.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” I replied in an annoyed tone.
“I’m just saying that before you try and make me deal with my problems, you should probably deal with your own, first!” he shouted. “You are a hot mess, you know that, don’t you?”
“Me? I’m a hot mess?” I yelled back. “Oh, that’s a good one! The guy who can’t make it through the night without screaming in his sleep tells me I’m a hot mess. Very nice.”
“Careful,” he warned as he stared at me. “You’re treading on thin, thin ice.”
“You’re the one who started it!” I shot back.
“Ava, I don’t want to talk about my issues,” he said calmly. “I’ve told you I don’t want to see a shrink, and I mean it. A stranger is not going to help me sort out the mess that’s in my head. So let it go.”
“Fine,” I shrugged. “Whatever, but you really should think about talking to someone. Anyone. Family? Friends?”
“Right, that’s a great option,” he laughed without humor. “Dump all the crap that happened to me on my friends and family so they can live with it? Not happening.”
“Oh, the irony,” I sighed.
“What’s so ironic about that?” he asked, genuinely curious.
“Nothing,” I murmured. “Never mind.”
“Look, I’m sorry,” he said as he sat down next to me on the couch. “I know you mean well, it’s just that I don’t want to talk to anyone about it.”
“Not even me?” I asked in a small voice as I looked into his eyes. Brian held my gaze for a few seconds before reaching out and pulling me into his arms.
“Not even you, Ava,” he whispered into my hair. I wrapped my arms around his waist and laid my cheek on his chest as I felt him breathing.
*****
We sat entwined on the couch for what felt like a really long time. Neither one of us said a word, we just held on to each other for dear life and waited for the panicked feeling to pass. Or at least that’s what I did. Brian didn’t give much away, and since I couldn’t see his face, I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. So I let go and enjoyed the feeling of safety and security that I felt when he wrapped his arms around me. I closed my eyes and let myself forget where I was and that my life was a disaster at the moment.
“Are you hungry? Do you want to get some breakfast?” Brian murmured as he stroked my back and ran his fingers through my hair.
“Mmmm hmmm,” I nodded against his chest without opening my eyes.
“Then you go get ready and we’ll get out of this room for a bit, okay?” he said.
“Okay,” I mumbled. I was warm and drowsy against his chest, but my stomach was rumbling, and I knew it wouldn’t be long before I’d be so hungry I’d want one of everything on the menu. Brian slowly lifted me off of him and helped me stand, then gently pushed me toward the bedroom.
“Go get dressed. I’m starving!” he laughed as I fake stumbled toward the bedroom.
“I’m not sure I like the way you push me around, sailor,” I grumbled as I made a show of how much energy it took to get ready.
“You are such a drama queen!” he laughed harder as I shot him a dirty look and went to put on some clothes.
I pulled on my jeans and a T-shirt and pulled a brush though my messy hair, gathering it up into a loose ponytail before dusting my cheeks with a bit of blush and sweeping a layer of mascara on my lashes. I looked passable for breakfast, but the dark circles under my eyes made me look bruised, and I looked away as I remembered a time when those bruises kept me from going to class or seeing my friends.
“Not again,” I whispered to my reflection. “You are safe.”
“Did you say something?” Brian called from the other room.
“No, it must have been the television,” I called back as I dabbed a little concealer under my eyes.
“Are you about ready?” he asked as I emerged from the bedroom. “Whoa! You sure do clean up nice!”
“Whatever,” I said as I rolled my eyes. I looked a mess and I knew it, but it was nice of him to try and make me feel better.
“I’m serious,” he said as he crossed the room and pulled me back into his arms. “You look beautiful.”
“Don’t flatter me, I’m a hot mess,” I laughed as I wrapped my arms around his neck and looked up into the steel blue eyes that held my gaze.
“Yeah, but you’re a beautiful hot mess,” he whispered as he leaned down and softly kissed my lips. “And don’t you ever forget that.”
I closed my eyes as I returned his kiss and wished that we could remain like this forever.
Brian kissed my forehead before he let go, and began to unwind all of the security setups he’d put in place the night before. It was amazing how much he’d been able to do with the few tools he’d had available. He’d not only wedged a chair under the door handle, he’d also stacked several glasses from the bathroom next to the door so that they’d tip over and make noise if someone tried to enter while we were asleep. Between the curtains and the sheers on the windows, he’d hung several of the heavy metal coat hangers. If anyone had tried to get in, they would have made a racket.
“You’re pretty inventive,” I commented.
“Well, I had to work with what I had,” he replied as he moved things around and set up the system for while we were gone.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“I want to make sure that if Dominic tries to break in, he won’t have an easy time,” Brian answered. “I also want to make sure that I’ll know exactly what went on in here if someone breaks in and then leaves.”
“A little paranoid, are you?” I laughed nervously.
“I’m surprised you’re not,” he said seriously.
I looked at the floor and said nothing. I was scared that Dominic had already done something to make sure he knew my every move. He’d done it before. Remembering how he’d bugged even the bathroom in our apartment and then used the smallest infraction to give him cause to beat me made me shudder.
“You okay?” Brian asked with a concerned look on his face.
“Yeah, just…” I trailed off. I didn’t want to drag him any further into this mess, but I felt like maybe I should tell him everything in order to ensure that we both remained safe.
“Just what?” he asked quietly.
“Just bad memories,” I replied distractedly. Telling Brian about Dominic’s experience with surveillance could wait until we had something to eat. “Let’s go get some breakfast, okay?”
“Alright, let’s go,” he replied warily. I knew he didn’t believe me and that he was waiting for the right moment to ask the questions that would give him a better sense of what was going on, but right now, I was too hungry to worry about it, so I smiled and headed toward the door.
On the way down to breakfast, Brian resumed his eagle-eye scanning habit and gave every person that passed us the once-over. I wanted to tell him to chill out, but somehow it didn’t seem like he would find any humor in it, so I kept quiet and walked toward the restaurant. We’d decided not to leave the hotel, but rather to have breakfast downstairs in the relative safety of the hotel.
Brian chose a table in the back where he could monitor the comings and goings of everyone. I didn’t care what he did, I just wanted waffles.
I ordered a big breakfast and then sat back and watched Brian watching people. I wondered what was going through his mind as his eyes scanned every person entering and exiting the restaurant.
“You must get tired,” I said.
“Huh?” he gave me a confused look.
“You must get really tired using your eyes as tracking devices,” I repeated.
“Don’t start hassling me, Ava,” he warned.
“I’m not hassling you,” I replied. “I’m just making an observation. There’s a big difference.”
“In semantics,” he said with a warning note in his voice.
“No, it’s not just semantics,” I shot back. “It’s an observation about the fact that you are scanning faster than a grocery store checker, and I thought it must be tiring to always be scanning everything.”
“I don’t even notice I’m doing it,” he replied. “It’s just part of who I am.”
“Still,” I said.
“Still, what? Dammit, Ava!” He raised his voice in irritation.
“Don’t get irritated with me,” I warned. “I’m tired of all of this cloak and dagger crap.”
“Lest you forget, this cloak and dagger crap is all about protecting you,” he hissed.
“I did not ask you to —”
“Are you ready for a big Belgian waffle with strawberries?” chirped the waitress as she began to set plates in front of us. Brian and I lapsed into a polite silence during which we only spoke to the waitress. She giggled nervously as she asked if there was anything else we needed, and when we both replied that we were fine, she slipped out of sight and left us to eat our meal.
I said nothing as I smeared butter on my waffle and then covered it in a thick pool of syrup. Brian cut up his eggs, mixed them with the potatoes and then poured catsup over the entire mix. I tried not to roll my eyes as I watched him scoop up a forkful of the mess and shove it in his mouth. He continued scanning the restaurant as we ate, once stopping his fork in midair as he closely watched a man who was paying his bill at the register.
“Let it go,” I hissed through a mouthful of waffle and strawberries. “Just eat your damn breakfast!”
Brian shot me a look that clearly indicated I was to shut the hell up. I ate my breakfast, but the longer we sat in silence, the angrier I got. I didn’t ask to be cleared out of my dorm room! I didn’t ask to be sequestered in a stupid hotel far, far away from my friends and classes! I didn’t ask to be stuck in the middle of a psychotic ex-boyfriend and the bodyguard assigned to protect me! I didn’t ask for any of this!
Suddenly, I felt incredibly sorry for myself. All of this was a mess that I had never wanted nor asked for, and now my life was being ruined by a man who had left me with nothing but a host of invisible wounds. I needed to take control of the situation and get myself out of this mess, not rely on a guy who was clearly in over his head, and was overwhelmed by the task.
“Brian?” I ventured.
“What?” he said in a short manner, not looking at me.
“I want to go back to the dorm,” I said.
“What the hell is wrong with you, Ava?” he demanded.
“Don’t you yell at me!” I cried. “I’m sick and tired of you making all of the decisions and I’m sick and tired of letting that psycho rule my life!”
“Me making all the decisions? Me?” Brian raised his voice as he pounded a fist on the table, making the plates jump and causing the other guests to look over at us. He raised a hand in apology and leaned back in his chair.
“Yes, you’re making all the decisions about how to manage this situation and I’m tired of it,” I replied.
“If you recall, you were the one who refused to involve the police and left me hanging out to dry,” he said.
“I know! But I didn’t want to give my father the impression that you couldn’t handle it!” I cried.
“Why? If he knew I needed help, he would get it, right?” he asked.
“No, he’d fire you and find someone else who could handle it and then…” I trailed off not wanting to say what I was thinking.
“And then what?” he pressed.
“And then I’d have to break in a whole new person and it’s a pain in my ass!” I said dryly. Brian shot me a dirty look as he reached in his pocket and pulled out his phone for the 10th time since we sat down.
“I need to take this call,” he said as he got up and moved out of earshot.
I signaled the waitress that I wanted to pay the bill and she quickly rushed over to take the credit card I held out. I needed an outlet for this frustration, and I knew just the thing.
*****
When Brian finally returned, I shot him a questioning look. When he shrugged in response, I picked up the receipt for breakfast, shoved it in my purse, and got up from the table.
“I need to work out this morning,” I said matter-of-factly. “Let’s hit the gym.”
“Ava, I don’t think that’s the best idea,” Brian replied.
“Oh, stop being such a worrywart,” I scolded. “We’ve had zero problems thus far, and I don’t imagine that Dominic and his henchmen have any idea where we are.”
“You don’t know what they know,” he warned.
“Oh my God, you are such a nervous Nellie!” I laughed. “Get over it; I need to work out, and that’s what we’re doing.”
Brian shot me an annoyed look as we walked to the elevator and headed back to the room. I ignored his dark scowl and even whistled a little as the elevator lifted us to our floor. Once in the room, I headed to the bedroom and changed into my workout gear. It made me feel good to think about moving my body since we’d been sitting around in rooms for almost a week now.
“Ready?” I asked as I emerged from the bedroom. Brian was still scowling as he nodded and then headed out the door to check the hallway. I rolled my eyes dramatically as he checked both sides of the hall and the motioned for me to follow him back to the elevator.
“This spy routine is getting old,” I said sarcastically.
“Ava, if you can’t get on board with the protection plan, could you at least have the courtesy to not make sarcastic remarks about it?” he asked. There was something in the tone of his voice that made me stop and look at his face. He didn’t look happy at all, but I wasn’t happy either. In fact, I was pretty miserable at the moment. My whole life had been upended and he was acting like it was an inconvenience for him, when he’d been hired to ensure that this exact thing didn’t happen. As I thought about it more, I realized I was really angry.
“You know what? I’m tired of being told what to do and how to do it,” I asserted. “From now on, I’m running this show and you will do as I say. Got it?”
If looks could kill, I’d have been well on my way to the morgue, but he nodded and backed off as I jabbed the elevator button repeatedly. I didn’t care if he did have my best interests at heart, I was sick and tired of people trying to control me. When the elevator finally arrived, I stalked into it and crossed my arms over my chest. Brian entered the elevator and turned to face the front. I shot dirty looks at the back of his head as we descended to the ground floor. When we reached the bottom, Brian stood aside as the doors slid open, and held out his arm like I was royalty. I shot him a look as I exited and marched toward the gym.
I quickly located a treadmill and hung my towel over the bar before stretching out. Brian positioned himself at the free weights and I watched him in my peripheral vision as he stretched and began pumping iron. It was hard for me not to be distracted by the sight of his bulging muscles, but I fought the urge to turn and watch and began my own workout. I set the treadmill to mimic a slow but steady hill climb, and began jogging to warm up. I soon lost myself in the rhythm of my feet pounding on the treadmill and let my mind wander to the places where I hadn’t wanted to go.
I thought about how far I’d come in the past year since leaving Dominic, and I tried to puzzle out what would have caused him to want to start stalking me after having left me alone for so long. Why was he so obsessed with me? What triggered the obsession? Why did he want me back after all this time? None of it made any sense to me, but I knew there had to be a reason. People didn’t just start stalking for no reason. Did they?
As I ran, I noticed someone climbing onto the treadmill next to me, and I quickly looked over and nodded, and then did a double take. He looked familiar, but I couldn’t place him. I quickly looked over to where Brian was working out and saw that he was furiously tapping the screen of his phone as he shook his head. He hadn’t seemed to notice the guy next to me, and if he had, he wasn’t worried, so I relaxed and told myself that I was imagining things.
I picked up my pace for the last few miles and tried to run a fast time rather than slack off and get lost in my mind. It worked for a bit, but soon, I got the nagging feeling that I was being watched, and when I looked over at the neighbor treadmill, I saw that the guy who’d been there was gone. That’s weird. He wasn’t there long enough to work up a sweat. I shrugged and figured he must be a businessman who got called away by his boss or something.
As I began my cool down, I noticed that Brian was now lifting some seriously heavy weights and the veins in his neck were popping out. I made a note to tease him about “hulking out,” and then slowed to a brisk walk as my workout came to an end. I took a big swig from my water bottle and then wiped my face with the towel before hopping down off the treadmill and heading over to Brian.
“You about done?” I asked casually. “I need a shower.”
“Yeah, sure,” he sighed as he put the weights back in the rack and grabbed his towel. I could tell he was irritated, but I’d be damned if I was going to dig into his psyche again. All I wanted now was a hot shower and a nap.
As we exited the gym, I felt someone staring at me from across the lobby, but when I turned to see who it was, there was no one there. I stood staring at the space where I swear someone had been, then shook my head and turned back toward the elevator. I stole a glance a Brian, who was quickly tapping out a message on his phone before tucking it back in his pocket.
“Do you ever put that thing down?” I asked.
“Do you ever stop asking ridiculous questions?” he shot back.
“Wow, did someone mess up your workout or did you just not get enough to eat at breakfast?” I snapped.
“Ava, let’s don’t do this…” he trailed off as he watched a man getting off the elevator. Brian turned and followed the man with his eyes, then quickly pulled out his phone and snapped a photo.
“What? Do you recognize him?” I asked.
“Him? Oh, no, just something…” he mumbled as he tapped out another message and then slipped his phone in his pocket as he followed me onto the elevator.
“You’re being so secretive,” I observed. “Is there a reason you aren’t sharing information with me?”
“No, there’s no reason,” he parroted.
“You are so maddening!” I cried as I stomped my foot on the floor of the elevator. “You drag me away from my life and then tell me nothing about what’s going on! I’m sick of this! I want to go back to the dorm!”
“Ava, you can’t go back to the dorm right now,” Brian said in a calm voice. “It’s just not safe.”
“Oh God, not this crap again! I’m so tired of being treated like some delicate hothouse flower!” I yelled.
“Could you keep your voice down?” he asked, with no more emotion than if he was asking me to do something as simple as press the elevator button.
“That’s it, I’m done with your condescending attitude and your overly protective bodyguard service,” I said calmly. “I’m going home.”
“You can’t,” he said definitively.
“I can do anything I want to do,” I said in a snotty tone. “And you can’t stop me.”
“No, but I can ask you,” he said as he put a hand on my shoulder and turned me toward him. “Ava, please? Just give me a few days to have someone set up enough security in your dorm room so that I can properly monitor what’s going on?”
I stood staring up at him with a defiant look on my face. He waited. His eyes softened as he looked into mine, and my defiant stance wilted a bit as I thought about all the ways in which he’d tried to protect me, and all of the ways in which I’d tried to slip out of his protection. Then I thought about how angry my father would be if he found out that Brian had failed to do his job properly, and I realized that I couldn’t let him take the blame for my frustration and anger. I sighed and nodded.
“Two days,” I said. “That’s it. Two more days and I’m going home.”
“That’s not reasonable,” he replied. “I need at least a week!”
“A week?” I yelled. “Oh, hell no!”
“Ava, a week is the best I can offer you,” he said as he reached up and ran his fingers through my hair, making me shiver a bit. “It’s a small amount of time to ensure your safety. Give me seven days and you can go home.”
“Fine, as long as we agree,” I said gruffly to try and cover up the effect he was having on me. “Seven days, and not a day more!”
“I just want to find him, and put him away so that you’ll be safe,” he said softly as he ran his fingers across my cheek before lightly brushing my lips with the tip of his index finger. That was too much, and I backed up against the elevator wall as I looked at him warily.
“Don’t try and manage me,” I warned. “I might have had sex with you a couple of times and enjoyed it, but do not try and manage me because you think you have some kind of advantage over me.”
“I’m not managing you,” Brian sighed as his shoulders slumped. “I’m simply trying to keep you safe.”
At that moment, the elevator reached our floor, and the doors opened. I quickly walked out and headed down the hallway, failing to even notice the room service guy who was cleaning up the dishes left outside rooms until Brian said, “Hey, can you get us a few more glasses?”
“That’s housekeeping, man,” the guy replied. “Call 611 and ask Jeannie for more glasses. She’ll bring them right up.”
“Thanks,” Brian replied with a pensive look on his face as he walked through the door I held open. “I’ll do that."
He walked into the room, turned around, closed the door, locked it, and went about putting all of the safety mechanisms back in place as I watched with wide eyes.
“Just being safe,” he said as he stacked glasses near the door and then jammed a chair under the door handle. “Just being safe.”
*****
The next several days were uneventful as we hung out in the hotel fitness room, ordered room service more often than going down to the restaurant, and watched every movie offered on the pay-per-view channels. I spent time trying to get my assignments from Jessie and Lara who, by this time, were well aware of the situation and had agreed to run interference in class without letting on what was happening. God forbid that one of my instructors should decide to intervene and alert the police, so Lara had concocted a lie that involved me traveling to some exotic location for some campaign event that my father was hosting. The professors were wary, but once they received apologetic emails from both me and, after Jessie tapped into the ISP my father’s campaign was using and set up a fake email account for me to email people from, from my father, it seemed that everything would be okay.
The irony of all of this was that my father did everything he could to keep me away from his campaign. He didn’t believe that I should have to suffer the consequences of his decisions, so he’d done his best to eliminate the need for me to attend any events or functions, and he rarely mentioned me in any of his stump speeches. He said it was an attempt to preserve my privacy, so out of a sense of loyalty, I tried to do the same. I rarely talked about my father or my family anywhere other than with my closest friends, and I never gave interviews. At times, I’d even denied that I was his daughter in order to avoid nosy reporters who were digging around looking for some angle. I knew eventually they’d catch me in the lie, but I didn’t care. It was none of their business.
The upside of the isolation was that it had given me time to formulate a solid plan for how to approach the anti-war action, and I’d spent several hours every morning writing letters and sending emails to people I thought might be able to offer support to our burgeoning movement. I’d gotten a couple of responses, but they’d been far from what I’d hoped for in terms of support and organizing power. On the third morning, I typed out an email to the members of the group asking them to contact a list of people I’d gathered and told them that we needed the support of the community in order to make our plan work. I assigned two of the committee members the task of contacting veterans, and told them that we definitely needed their support if we were going to make this work. I hit send and crossed my fingers, hoping that they’d be able to do what I’d asked.
I looked up from my laptop and saw Brian sitting on the window ledge furiously tapping on the screen of his phone while he frowned.
“Will you please tell me what it is you are doing on that phone all the time?” I asked in an exasperated voice. I was sick of him constantly communicating with people I couldn’t see.
“It’s really none of your business,” he replied in a tone that caused me to shrink back.
“Sorry, I was just trying to figure out why you’re allowed to constantly be in contact, but I’m only allowed to communicate from a secret location and address,” I said pointedly.
“Because my phone has security features that your laptop doesn’t have,” he said matter-of-factly.
I knew he was pissed at me because I’d told him two nights before that I didn’t want him sleeping in the bed with me anymore. He was either going to be my bodyguard or my lover, but not both. I had to draw the line somewhere. He grudgingly accepted his role as bodyguard and had slept on the pull-out couch. I missed having him in bed next to me at night, but I wasn’t going to back down until he agreed to let me go home. It was the Lysistrata approach, and I had faith that if it had worked for the ancient Athenian women who prevented a war, it would definitely work for my puny demands.
“Well, then maybe I’m just interested in what’s going on with you these days?” I said in a sickly sweet voice.
“Don’t manage me,” he said in a mocking tone.
“I’m not managing you, I’m just asking a question,” I replied in a sassy tone. “I’m bored! I’m sick of being stuck in this room! I need some stimulation; something to do!”
“What? You want me to take you to the zoo or an amusement park?” he said dryly.
“Would you?” I replied excitedly.
“Not likely,” he said in a flat tone.
I dropped down on the couch and pouted, and I hoped he’d notice, but he’d gone back to his phone and didn’t see my dramatic performance. Suddenly it occurred to me that his interest in his phone was a lot like someone who’d just begun dating someone new. Was he on a dating site? Was he talking with girls while he was with me? Had he met someone online and was texting her like crazy as a means of avoiding me? Maybe he’d fallen for her already and was planning on meeting her after he finished this job. Maybe I’d become nothing more than a job to him since I’d kicked him out of bed. The thought left me with a lump in my throat and a sick feeling in my stomach.
He was busy planning his life after me.
The thought of Brian being interested in someone new sent my brain spinning down a path of destruction. I was mad and hurt, but most of all, I was frustrated that we weren’t doing anything to find Dominic and put an end to his reign of terror. I knew it wouldn’t be easy to stop him because he was rich and he was incredibly manipulative, and right now he had everyone fooled. Dominic’s modus operandi was to be friendly and amiable in public, and then to take out his frustrations in extraordinarily cruel ways in private. He intimidated his victims in a way that kept us all silent and afraid. I knew I wasn’t the only one who’d suffered at the hands of the blond monster, but how to get to the others without him knowing was a whole other matter.
When we returned from the gym on the third morning, I headed to the shower as I plotted my strategy for getting Dominic out into the open and exposing his nasty secrets. I turned on the water and began peeling off my workout clothes as I thought about the kinds of things that would attract him and how I could shape the encounter to trap him in his abuse. I didn’t want to let Brian know what I was doing because I didn’t think he’d agree with my approach, and I knew he would definitely not agree with my idea of using myself as bait to lure Dominic into the trap. The only thing that scared me was that if I did what I was planning, I’d have no backup. It would have to work seamlessly the first time or we’d be in real trouble. I stepped into the shower and began planning.
As I emerged from the bathroom, I saw Brian on his phone, and my blood began to boil despite the fact that I’d told myself over and over that it didn’t matter. He didn’t matter. None of this was real. I just had to endure it for a little while longer and then I could go back to the life I’d shaped on campus.
“You’re really adept at texting,” I observed casually.
“I’m working on something,” he replied absently.
“Oh yes, I can see that,” I tossed back.
“What does that mean?” He looked up as he caught the hint of sarcasm in my voice.
“Nothing, just an observation,” I shrugged.
“It sounds like a whole lot more than observing going on under the surface of that statement,” he replied.
I looked at him and debated whether I wanted to get into the discussion, but when the phone buzzed yet again. I swallowed my feelings and just shook my head as I headed over and fired up my laptop.
“I’m going to do some homework and see if I can’t stay caught up in my classes,” I said.
“Alright, if you’re sure you don’t have anything to say to me,” he offered. “If you want to get something off your chest, just let me know.”
“What on earth would I possibly want to get off my chest?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” he shrugged. “You’re the one with the silent beef.”
“I don’t care what you do!” I said a little too forcefully. “I just want to go home in four days. That was our deal.”
“Indeed it was,” he replied, and then said nothing else. I sat waiting for him to say more, but once I realized he’d lapsed back into silence, I turned toward my computer and began pulling up the assignments that Jessie and Lara had pulled together for me.
I’d been able to download copies of the textbooks from the online store, so I spent the first hour reading the definitions of various psychiatric conditions, and when I got to the section on Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I sat staring at the screen for a long time. It wasn’t that I was unaware of Dominic’s personality traits, it’s that I’d never seen them laid out so clearly before. The book defined NPD as “characterized by an overinflated sense of self-importance, as well as dramatic, emotional behavior that is in the same category as antisocial and borderline personality disorders.” Nothing about that was surprising, but when I got to the definition of Sociopathy, I stopped reading and sat in front of the screen, afraid to move as I tried to control my breathing. It defined a sociopath as “characterized by enduring antisocial behavior, diminished empathy and remorse and disinhibited or bold behavior,” and what struck me about it most was that Dominic exhibited all of these characteristics, and had since the beginning. And I hadn’t noticed.
As I read further, I realized that I could use these personality traits to manipulate him into my trap and catch him, but it was going to require me to go back to playing the victim long enough to get him to believe that I wanted to come back to him, and I wasn’t sure that I could do that without damaging my psyche. I’d worked too hard to rebuild my self-esteem after I’d left Dominic, and I wasn’t sure that I wanted to play with the foundation I’d built for fear that it would crack under the strain.
The more I read, the more I wondered if it was wise to enact my plan. What if Dominic brought a weapon? What if he decided he wanted to hurt innocent bystanders? What if he decides he wants to kill me instead? The last question replayed over and over in my mind as I tried to decide what was the best way to proceed. I knew I should be telling Brian about this, but I didn’t want to hear him tear the idea down, and I definitely didn’t want him to move into protective mode above and beyond what he was being paid to do.
I looked over my shoulder and saw that Brian was sitting on the couch engrossed in a texting conversation, so I turned back to the computer and began composing an email that I hoped would bring Dominic out of hiding and give me the opportunity to expose him for the monster he was.
Dear Dominic,
I’ve been thinking a lot about what you’ve said and written and I keep remembering how we had so many good times together and I don’t want to throw that away. I’m hesitant to jump back into anything, but I do feel like you deserve a chance to make your case and that I deserve the opportunity to hear what you really have to say to me. We shared a great love, and maybe it’s possible to revive what we once had and shape it into something even better.
Will you meet me on Thursday afternoon? I’m staying at our favorite escape with the bodyguard my father hired to “protect” me. Please, don’t worry about him, he’s nothing more than a hired gun who reports back to my father and sits around texting all day. He’s no competition for you, so let go of those thoughts and come find me and sweep me off my feet again.
Fondly,
Kitten
I had to swallow the bile that rose in the back of my throat as I reread my message. I felt none of the things I claimed to feel, and even writing them made me feel sick, but it was necessary if I wanted to lure Dominic into the trap I was about to set. I hesitated for a moment, swallowed again, and then pressed send.
I looked up from the computer and caught Brian staring at me from across the room. “What?” I asked.
“Nothing, just wondering how the homework is going,” he said.
“It’s. It’s fine. Why?” I asked. He was making me nervous with the way he was watching me, or maybe it was just my guilty conscience at work. Maybe he wasn’t even thinking about me beyond what he needed to do to end the situation and get rid of me so that he could get back to the new girlfriend on the other end of his phone.
“I’m just curious, that’s all,” he replied with a small grin that irritated me to the core.
“Well, maybe you should MYOB and get back to work figuring out how to get me home, hmm?” I replied in an annoyed tone.
“Yep, I’m on it, princess,” he said, his voice full of sarcasm and mocking.
“You are such a jerk,” I muttered under my breath.
“Oh, don’t I know it,” he muttered back, making me blush with shame. I didn’t want to be mean, but he was making me so mad at every turn, and the longer I sat there, the angrier I became until I was almost bouncing in my chair.
“Why are you doing this?” I shouted as I turned and looked at him.
“Doing what?” he asked with an innocent expression on his face that sent me over the edge.
“You are driving me crazy!” I yelled. “You are all nice and sweet to me and then you turn on me and now you’re totally cut off and cold. You don’t even notice I’m here because you’re so busy texting your little girlfriend…” A look of horror crossed my face as I heard the words slip out of my mouth. I’d had no intention of saying a single word about how I felt, but there it was, like a toxic cloud hanging over us, and I had no way of calling it back. I bit my lip and looked away as he burst out laughing.
“You have got to be kidding me!” He laughed harder.
“No,” I said as I narrowed my eyes and looked at him suspiciously. “I’m not.”
“My girlfriend?” He was laughing so hard could barely spit out the words. “Ava, when in the hell do I have time in the middle of this mess to find a girlfriend? Forget about trying to court her!” He was roaring now, and I was getting more and more pissed as he mocked me and my confession.
“Well, you’re on that phone texting like a maniac night and day,” I said. “What else could possibly be occupying so much of your time but a woman?”
“Oh man, you are a piece of work!” he declared. Then turning to face me, he looked at me for a long time before speaking again. “Ava, I assure you that there is no woman aside from you.”
I waited for him to say something more, but he simply stared at me in silence until I looked away.
“Okay then,” I said quietly. I had no idea what to say next. He’d given nothing away, and I didn’t want to risk blurting out how I felt about him only to have him start laughing again. So I asked, “Then what are you doing on that phone?”
“It’s something, um, personal,” he said quietly.
“Well, this whole mess is really personal for me, and I let you into that,” I said smartly. “It’s only fair that you let me into your stuff!”
“The difference is that I’ve been hired to do a job that involves protecting you,” he said. “It has to be my business.”
“Oh, so that’s how it goes,” I shot back. His remark stung and I was on the defensive now. “All the other personal stuff you told me was just part of the job?”
“No, that was…different,” he muttered. “It’s just that this is really personal, and I didn’t think it was right to involve you in it. Plus, you didn’t seem all that…welcoming.”
“Just because you’re sleeping on the couch, doesn’t mean I don’t care about what’s going on with you,” I chided.
“Well, it’s not like we’re spending a whole lot of time sitting around talking,” he replied.
“Probably because you’re on your phone all the time,” I grinned, trying to lighten the mood. His face darkened briefly before he looked over and saw me smiling.
“Touché,” he said as he returned my grin. “Fine, let’s talk then.”
“I’ve already started the conversation,” I pointed out. “I asked what you’re doing to get me home.”
“I’ve got a plan that I’m working on with a couple of former SEAL buddies,” he admitted. “I’m not sure how it’s going to play out, so I don’t want to say anything before we get the pieces in place, but I should know more this evening, and if I do, I’ll tell you then.”
“Is that what all the texting is about?” I asked.
“Um, no, not really,” he stammered as he looked away.
“Then what is it?” I probed.
“Ava, I think there are some things better left alone, okay?” he said. The look on his face begged me not to push, so I let it go.
“Fine, whatever,” I said as I turned back around and looked at my homework. Tears began to well up in my eyes as I thought about how he was shutting me out when I had let him into the darkest parts of my life, but I was determined not to let him see me break down.
“Ava,” Brian whispered in my ear making me jump. He’d gotten up and silently moved across the room. “You can push me away all you want, but at the end of the day I’m still going to be here.”
“But only because you’re being paid to be here,” I whispered at the desk as I bowed my head and I fought back the tears. I was not going to cry.
“Is that what you think?” he said softly as he ran his fingers through my hair and pulled it away from my face. “Do you think I’m only here because I’m being paid to be here?”
I nodded, unable to speak without giving away my fragile emotional state. Brian bent down and scooped me up off of the chair and carried me to the couch, where he gently set me down and then sat across from me. He took my hand and looked into my eyes for a long while.
“I’m not here just for the paycheck,” he said. “Let’s get that cleared up. I’m here because your father hired me, that’s for sure, but I stay because of you, Ava.” He stopped and let that sink in as I looked back at him.
“You’re not going to leave as soon as this is all over?” I asked. “You’ll stay with me?”
“Well, that’s a difficult one, you know?” he replied. “My job requires me to travel, and you’re still in college. You’ve got so much to do and see and experience, and I’ve…well, I’ve lived a really different life.”
“So, you’ll just pack up and leave when this is over?” I said defensively.
“I didn’t say that,” he smiled as he held my hand tightly. “I just said that there were going to be a lot of challenges for us to face. You sound like you want me to stay.”
I nodded, and then the dam broke and I began to cry. I cried not only because I wanted him to stay, but because I was tired of living a life where everyone left. I was tired of being shuttled around from place to place and having nowhere to call home. I was tired of feeling like an outsider in my own life. Brian moved forward and pulled me into his arms. He held me as I cried, sobbed really, just stroking my back and saying “It’ll be okay” over and over.
When the tears finally subsided, I felt as if I’d run a marathon. I was exhausted and hungry. Brian called down and ordered a huge dinner for both of us, and then went into the bathroom and ran a tub full of hot bubbles before coming out and telling me to go take advantage of it before the dinner arrived. I stood up and nearly stumbled. Brian swiftly caught me and carried me to the bathroom, where he gently removed my clothes before depositing me in the hot, scented water.
“Don’t drown,” he warned as he went out to the living area to set up for dinner. I giggled a little and nodded, indicating that I’d do my best to obey his order. As I lay in the tub, I felt the stress of the day sliding away, and I closed my eyes as I tried to relax.
I had no idea how this was all going to work out, but maybe, for once in my life, things would work out in a way that didn’t leave me feeling alone.
*****
I emerged from the bathroom feeling relaxed and drowsy, and found Brian setting up the dinner dishes that the room server had delivered. It was a veritable feast, and my mouth watered as I looked at the plates full of crisp field greens mixed with bright red tomatoes and pale green cucumbers next to dinner plates containing perfectly grilled filets, baked potatoes bursting out of their skins as they dripped butter and sour cream, and pan-fried asparagus stalks coated in bread crumbs and parmesan cheese. I wouldn’t have known all of this had Brian not handed me the menu that accompanied the meal.
“Madame,” he said with a big grin as he pulled out a chair for me and motioned me to sit down. I laughed and sat. The smell of the food made my stomach growl as I remembered that I’d not eaten anything since breakfast.
“This looks amazing,” I complimented him. “Perhaps I should let you order all of my food from now on.”
“Nah, I’m a one-trick pony,” he joked. “I can pick out meat and potatoes, but the rest is beyond my skill level.”
“You’re hilarious,” I said dryly, shooting him a grin as I put my napkin on my lap and picked up my knife and fork. “But seriously, this looks delicious.”
“I aim to please,” he said with a mouth full of baked potato as he sawed at his filet. He ate like a man who had a limited amount of time to ingest his food before it was taken away.
“Slow down, we’re not in a race, sailor,” I laughed. He gave me a sheepish grin as he lowered his utensils and took a sip from his glass of water. We were quiet as we ate, but Brian watched me with a questioning look and I knew he was itching to ask something.
“So, I have to ask you,” he said on cue. “We’ve been together for almost a week now and there have been some harrowing moments that I’ve reported back to HQ, but something is puzzling me.”
“I know,” I said. I’d been prepared for this question from the first day. “You want to know why my parents never call me, right?”
“Yeah, actually, that was my question,” he said, amazed that I’d somehow read his mind. It wasn’t so much that I’d read his mind as it was that I’d been answering this same question for most of my life.
I explained to him that everyone at boarding school and then at college talked about weekly obligatory phone calls or having to check in with their parents or having to ask for money from their parents, and so kids were always asking me why I never had to do anything of these things. No check-ins and no calling to ask for money, instead, once a month I wrote a summary of my activities, printed it out, and mailed it to my father. The money was automatically deposited in my account on the 1st and 15th day of the month, and I was given such a generous allowance that I usually ended up depositing what was left over in a separate savings account I’d started at the boarding school.
“I’m not sure if my father was being savvy and teaching me business skills or if he simply didn’t want me to bother him and my mother,” I admitted. I couldn’t condemn my father, after all, he’d never been cruel to me, just indifferent. My mother was a whole other matter, and one that I didn’t really feel like sharing over dinner.
“But how can they not check in and see how you’re doing?” he asked.
“Easy, they just don’t,” I said matter-of-factly. “It’s not a crisis, it’s just the way my family operates. I think my grandfather raised my father the exact same way, so what do you expect? We do what our parents teach us to do.”
“But if that’s the case, then how did you get involved with Dominic?” he asked as he shoved another loaded fork into his mouth and chewed thoughtfully as he waited for my answer.
“I already explained that,” I said. “I was duped by his personality and the money.”
“That makes no sense to me,” he mused. “You have money, and Dominic is a sociopath! He doesn’t care about anything except his reputation and his stuff.”
“Like I said,” I replied as I stared at my meat while I carefully carved a bite-sized piece from the juicy filet. “We do what our parents teach us to do.”
Brian watched me closely as he continued to chew. Suddenly the light bulb went on and he leaned across the table. “Are you telling me—”
“Just let it go, Brian,” I said pointedly. “Just let it go.”
He looked at me thoughtfully for a few moments, and then cut another piece of meat and popped it into his mouth.
“But what about your grandmother? You said she loved you,” he said.
“That was a whole other matter,” I said quietly.
“Tell me about it,” he urged as he looked into my eyes. “I want to know you — all of you.”
“My grandmother was the center of my universe,” I began. “I told you about our last trip together and what happened afterwards.”
Brian nodded and continued picking at his food. I picked up a piece of asparagus with my fingers, bit off the tip, and chewed as I thought about how to explain my grandmother to him.
“My grandmother was the epitome of high society,” I said as I thought about how she’d always dressed for dinner and insisted that I do the same when I was visiting her. “She had impeccable taste and valued courtesy and manners above all else. She used to say that without manners we were no better than a tray of ice cubes.”
Brian laughed out loud as I giggled remembering how every time she’d said this, I’d laughed because it was so ridiculous. I told him about how she’d once spent my entire spring break teaching me how to curtsey and pour the perfect cup of tea just in case I was ever invited to meet the Queen of England. Then I told him about how she’d made a habit of sending me books by Miss Manners and Leticia Baldridge in order to drive the lessons home. I was expected to read and memorize certain portions of the books so that I could recite them to my grandmother on command. It was nerve-wracking because she was demanding and did not suffer fools, but she always stepped in and helped me fill in the blanks when I couldn’t remember the exact words I’d read. It was the spirit of the law that mattered to her, not the letter of it.
“Didn’t she see what was going on with your parents?” Brian asked.
“Of course she did,” I replied. “That’s why she spent so much time with me. She knew I was lost and lonely, and that I had no idea why my parents ignored me.”
“But couldn’t she have said something to your father?” he asked.
“Oh, she did,” I said as I shook my head, recalling all the times my grandmother had confronted my father about his neglectful parenting. “She was merciless in her critique of his failure as a parent.”
Brian nodded as if he understood what I was explaining. I told him about the frequent fights between my father and my grandmother, and the way in which she berated him and made him seem small and weak. I was never sure if he knew I’d heard the abuse, but I was fairly certain she’d known that I had often been lurking outside the sitting room where they had their conversations. She was cruel and spiteful, and she said some incredibly awful things to him and about him.
“I never quite understood why,” I said, remembering the last time they’d fought. “My grandmother was so incredibly kind to me and she had the biggest heart in the world. It always seemed so odd that she could love me so much and hate my father with such intensity. Or at least I thought she hated him, but then, I was 14, what did I know?”
“Yeah, it’s hard to understand that stuff when you have no frame of reference or history,” he agreed. I stopped and looked at him carefully. He knew something. What that something was, I didn’t know, but I was going to find out.
“The last fight they’d ever had was right before my grandmother was to take me to Europe,” I recalled. “My father showed up to bring my passport and be supportive, I think. My grandmother lit into him before they’d even closed the door. She dressed him down for being inattentive, and then scolded him for not bringing my mother with him to wish me a good trip. She knew that my mother wasn’t well and that she’d been hospitalized yet again, but she couldn’t help but poke at my father’s wound.”
I explained how my father tried to defend himself by explaining what had happened to my mother, but my grandmother had coldly cut him off with a, “You’re just like your father; good for nothing,” and then stormed out of the drawing room. She saw me there listening, and for a moment, I saw a look of pain cross her face before she rushed upstairs. She spent the next two days in her room, and on the third day, she emerged with her hair and makeup perfectly done and announced that we’d be leaving for New York that afternoon. We hadn’t been scheduled to travel until the end of the week, but she had decided it was better to get to the city and wait for our flight.
I described how we’d spent several days in New York City shopping and eating and having a grand time, but that every time I looked at my grandmother, she seemed sad. I wanted to ask her what was wrong, but at 14 I still had a healthy respect for adults, and she’d been my manners coach, so I didn’t dare ask.
“I loved my grandmother more than anyone in the world, but she was…” I trailed off.
“She sounds like she was troubled,” Brian interjected.
“Yeah, troubled is a good word for it,” I affirmed. I looked over at him. I’d been talking for what felt like hours and he looked ready to drift off into a comfortable food coma. I laughed. “Do you need to get to bed?”
“Who, me?” he asked in a sleepy voice. “I’m not tired at all! I could party all night.”
“Sure, sure, big man,” I laughed. “Do you want to share the bed with me? It’s more comfortable than the couch, I think.”
“Why, Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?” he joked.
“Oh, get real, I’m just being nice,” I said, laughing that he was using a line from a 1970s movie on me, a younger woman. “We can share.”
“Yeah, that would be nice, if you don’t mind,” he said more seriously as he yawned and stretched. “My back is killing me and that couch is not made for guys my height.”
I felt guilty that I’d made him spend so many nights on the couch, but I’d had to in order to gain some kind of distance from him. Tonight would be different, we’d get a good night’s sleep and figure out the game plan in the morning. I smiled as I walked to the bedroom and changed into my pajamas as Brian set up the security system for the night.
*****
We slept soundly that night and woke up wrapped in each other’s arms the next morning. I woke first and lay next to Brian watching him sleep. He hadn’t had a night terror in a few days, and the look on his face was one of complete peace. I lay my head on his chest and listened to the sound of his heart beating slow and steady as he breathed in and out. It was meditative, and I drifted into a peaceful place between sleep and awake, so it was a few minutes before I realized that he’d woken up and was gently stroking my hair.
“Morning,” I said as I looked up at him and smiled. He gave me a sleepy morning smile and then tightened his arm around me.
“Morning, beautiful girl,” he whispered into my hair. I shivered as I felt his fingers move from my hair to my cheek and begin to trace a light path from my forehead to my chin. I lifted my hand and placed it over the top of his as he stroked my face, loving the feel of touching him as he touched me. Slowly, he traced his fingers down my cheek until he could rest them beneath my chin and tip my face up toward his.
We lay gazing into each other’s eyes for a long time before he dipped his head and brushed his lips across mine. I let out a soft moan as I felt his lips pressing against mine and the soft tip of his tongue lightly licking my upper lip. He ran his fingers through my hair as he lazily teased my lips.
I could feel the blood coursing through my veins as I gripped his hand and returned his kisses. I arched my back to press my body against his and felt his hand move to the small of my back, where he played with the hem of my tank top before sliding underneath it and stroking my skin. I gasped as I felt his hand on my bare skin, and pressed my lips more insistently against his. He pulled back just enough to keep the kisses light and teasing, and I groaned. I wanted so much more than this morning tease and I could already tell he did, too, as I felt his thick shaft pressed against my thigh as it swelled and grew harder.
I smiled when he sighed deeply, and opened my eyes to look directly into his. In an instant, I knew he had ceded control, and I shifted so that I could sit up and look down at him as I slipped my hand into his boxers and grasped his cock. His eyes widened as I began slowly moving my hand up and down, then withdrawing my hand. I held his gaze as I brought it up to my mouth and ran it across my tongue several times, coating it in my saliva before slipping it back under his boxers and stroking more insistently now.
“Oh, God,” he groaned as my slippery hand slid up and down over and over.
“No, not God, just me,” I whispered in his ear seconds before I let go of his cock and yanked his boxers down. Brian watched me as I quickly slipped out of my pajamas and straddled his abdomen.
“Oh, shit,” he whispered in awe. “You are incredibly beautiful and unbelievably sexy.”
“Well, thank you,” I smiled as I gripped his upper arms and began sliding myself down his body so that his cock was positioned between my outer lips, then I began slowly moving back and forth as I coated his cock with the wetness that was already freely flowing from between my legs. Brian held his breath as he felt me using him as a tool of masturbation, but I wasn’t letting him off that easily or that quickly.
I reached down between my legs and grabbed ahold of his rock-hard shaft and teased my clit a little as I bent down and kissed him deeply. That forced a moan from Brian’s lips as he looked up at me with eyes full of desire and need.
“You want it, don’t you?” I whispered into his lips.
“God, yes,” he groaned. “I’ve never wanted anything more!”
“Mmmmm,” I murmured as I continued my teasing. “Maybe I should give it to you, then?”
“Yes, Ava, please! Please!” he begged as he pushed his hips up, looking for a way inside my warm, wet pussy.
I smiled as I firmly gripped his cock, guided it to the edge of my needy entry, and then slid down fast and hard. Brian gasped as he felt me envelop the length of his cock in one swift stroke, and then lay still as I began to rock back and forth on it. I could feel the tip pressing against my G-spot as I moved my hips, and I pressed my hands against his chest to give myself better leverage. Brian did his best to resist slamming his hips upward, but he couldn’t stop himself from giving in to the small upward thrusts that quickly began to push me to the edge of orgasm. With my hand between my legs, stroking my clit, I rocked back and forth, feeling his thickness filling me.
I leaned forward and kissed him just as I reached the point of no return, and whispered, “Yes” into his lips.
Brian reached around me and grabbed my ass so that he could thrust hard and deep as I came hard on his cock. I cried out as he slammed into to me once, twice, three times, and then let out a deep moan that came from somewhere deep inside him as he stayed buried inside me as he released all the tension and need that had built up throughout the week.
After we’d both returned to earth, we lay still, connected on the bed, me on top and him underneath, just holding each other. I wanted to tell him how much I’d missed this, but instead, I lifted my head and kissed his lips softly; hoping that he’d understand.
*****
We lay tangled up in each other for a long time, and then, in a moment of impulsiveness, I said, “Tell me about your family. What are your parents like? I haven’t seen you calling them any more frequently than I’ve called mine now that I think about it.”
“That’s different,” he said quietly. “There’s a reason for it. It’s just…complicated.”
“Oh, yes, I’m sorry,” I said sarcastically. “My family dynamic is so simplistic and basic that I forgot that other people’s families are really complex.”
“Ava, don’t,” he cautioned. “That’s not what I meant.”
“Sure it is,” I said. “That’s exactly what you meant, and I resent it.”
“Ava, don’t ruin this, please?” he sighed heavily.
“I’m not ruining it,” I retorted. “I’m asking you a personal question that you are refusing to answer. I’ve told you everything about my life. Everything about my parents, about my grandmother, about my relationship with Dominic, and now I’m asking you to reciprocate.”
Brian sighed again as he pulled me closer and played with my hair. I couldn’t see his face, but I knew he was thinking about what I’d said. After a few minutes I felt him shift, then grab my arms and slide me off of him onto the bed next to him so that he could prop his head on his bent arm and run his hand over my naked body as he spoke.
“My family is messed up, I’m going to warn you in advance,” he said warily. When I nodded solemnly, he continued. “My father died when I was a baby. My mother never actually told me what happened, but there were rumors that spread around town and I heard them all. Some said he jumped off the water tower in the middle of town on a dare while drunk, and some said he smashed his car into a brick wall while driving drunk. You get the picture…my dad was a drunk.”
I reached out and held his hand for a moment without saying a word. Brian nodded slightly and continued, “My mom and I were alone for what felt like a really long time, but it was really only about three or four years. She waited tables at a local diner, and neighbors took care of me while she was at work. It wasn’t bad, and I don’t remember us having any big problems, but then I was what, 4?” He laughed a little and I smiled up at him as he remembered.
“Then one day my mom came home and said I was going to have a new dad. Two days later, Will moved in. He was a tall guy, a former Army sergeant who loved order and rules, and his guns. God, the man loved his guns more than anything on earth. They scared the hell out of my mother, but Will told her not to be such a fraidy cat and took her out to the range to learn to shoot. She did it a few times, but she always came back swearing she’d never hold another gun again. Will was nice to me, he took me fishing and camping, and played ball with me, but about a year after he moved in, my mom gave birth to my sister and nothing was ever the same again. The sun rose and set on Claudia, and she was the cutest baby ever. I loved having a little sister, she was sunshine and love.” He stopped for a moment and bowed his head so that I couldn’t see his face. When he looked up again, it was obvious that there was a lot of deep emotion buried beneath the surface. I lay quietly as Brian continued to trace patterns on my naked skin, and after a minute or two, he continued speaking.
“I was 12 the year that Claudia turned 6, and we threw a huge party for her in our backyard. Balloons, cake, games, the whole nine yards. There were at least 50 kids at the party, and at some point we lost track of where Claudia was. Will told me to find her and bring her back to the party. None of us were worried because Claudia had a habit of drifting off and finding adventure or a new friend, but in our town, that wasn’t dangerous. Everyone knew who we were and someone always brought Claudia back home safe and sound. I scoured the entire block, but I couldn’t find her anywhere, so I headed back to the house to see if she’d come home before I expanded my search area. As I was headed up the front walk, I heard an incredibly loud bang. I turned to see if Butch Jackson was backing his hot rod out of the driveway across the street, but saw nothing, then I realized that the bang had come from inside our house. I tore up the stairs, ripped open the screen, and ran back to my mom and Will’s bedroom…”
Brian trailed off as he choked up. He bent his head again and took a few deep breaths before looking up and saying, “Claudia had taken two of her friends back to the bedroom to show them Daddy’s “big gum,” that’s what she’d called it because we’d all laugh when she said it. Anyway, she’d let her friend Caroline handle the gun and Caroline had accidentally pulled the trigger. For some reason, Will hadn’t locked up the gun or made sure the chamber was clear before he’d shoved it in the bedside drawer, and the bullet had gone straight through Claudia’s chest, tearing her aorta in half. She died almost instantly.”
“After that, my mother started drinking pretty heavily, and Will got really strict with me. By the time I hit high school, he was waking me up at dawn to do morning workouts with him and came in to check that I’d made my bed according to regulation before I went to school. I’ve always joked that the military was a cakewalk for me compared to what I lived with at home.” He stopped and gave me a weak smile, and I squeezed his hand as I smiled back at him.
“Anyway, I haven’t been home in a couple of years, I can’t go home. My mom is a raging alcoholic and Will is…well, he’s Will. He ignores her drinking until she needs medical attention and then he waits for her to dry out enough to be allowed to come home. Every time she does, the cycle starts again and she winds up calling me to come get her because she thinks Will is trying to kill her. I can’t go there without wanting to take a drink myself, so I stay away.”
“You must feel really alone,” I observed.
“You have no idea—” he stopped and looked at me. “Oh wait, yes, you do.”
“It’s okay, Brian,” I said. “I’m so sorry about your sister.”
“It happens,” he shrugged.
“Yeah, but I’m still sorry that it happened to you,” I said quietly as I reached up and stroked his cheek with my fingers. He closed his eyes and leaned into my touch. “It’s going to be okay,” I whispered.
Brian nodded, then opened his eyes and leaned down and kissed me deeply. I held his face between my palms as I returned his kiss, and felt the two of us sharing all of our pain and loneliness in a way that made it a little more bearable.
“We’re going to get through this and we’ll be okay,” I whispered into his lips.
*****
We lay in bed together for half the morning before Brian said he was hungry and that we needed to get something to eat. I agreed, and got up to go shower and get ready. We decided to go down to the restaurant for a change, so I took my time getting ready. I smiled at myself in the mirror as I stroked a coat of mascara on my lashes and then dusted peach blush on the apples of my cheeks to give me a little color. We’d been inside so long that I felt like I hadn’t seen the sun in ages.
I pulled on a jean mini skirt and a loose-fitting T-shirt before I slipped my feet into a pair of thin black thongs. I looked at the rumpled bed and smiled to myself when I remembered the way Brian had held me against his chest and moved inside me. There was no denying that we had something special, and there was no way I was going to give it up after this was all said and done. I wanted him in my life, and I was going to find a way to make that happen, no matter what I had to do. I could switch schools if I had to, I didn’t want to, but I had decided I would if it meant that Brian and I could be together.
I grabbed my purse and skipped out into the living room to find Brian standing in the middle of the room, holding my open laptop in one hand and running his other hand over his crew cut with an anguished look on his face. I gave him a confused look before I realized what he was looking at — the letter! He’d found the email I’d written to Dominic.
“Ava, really?” he said with so much pain in his voice it broke my heart. “You wrote this yesterday? And sent it?”
“Brian, no wait, let me explain,” I cried as I moved to take the computer from him. He held it up over his head, far out of my reach, as a sad look of betrayal spread across his face.
“I think this is pretty self-explanatory, don’t you?” he said quietly. “You’ve spelled it all out pretty clearly.”
“That’s not what I meant!” I cried. “I was trying to trap him, not get back together with him! He’s a psycho, and I wanted to catch him so that I could get back to my life — our life!”
“I’m not quite sure I see that here, Ava,” he said. “What I see is a woman who is still in love with her ex-boyfriend and who resents the guy her father hired to protect her.”
“I only said that so he wouldn’t try and hurt you, Brian!” I frantically tried to convince him of my plan, but since I’d never breathed a word of it, he’d been caught unaware. I didn’t blame him for being angry, but I didn’t want him to believe that anything I’d written in that letter could possibly be true. “I love you, Brian! That’s the honest truth! I love you, not that jerk who abused me and made me feel worthless!”
“Could have fooled me,” Brian said sadly. “I don’t believe you. I think you’re playing both sides and waiting to see who wins.”
“Oh my God! You are so pigheaded!” I yelled. “Why can’t you trust me? Why don’t you believe me?” I stopped yelling and began crying in frustration. He was choosing not to believe me, and there was no way I could convince him that I’d had a plan to try and trap Dominic.
“Ava, I wish I could believe you, I really do,” he said. “But I can’t.”