Chapter 21
Colton
“You can put icing on a pile of crap, but that don’t make it a piece of cake.”
~ Papa Duke
I stood and walked to the window again even though I knew exactly what I was going to see. No lights. No car. Bella had only called two minutes ago to say that she was on her way. I knew that she wouldn’t be here yet. But that didn’t stop me from getting up and checking every few seconds.
My phone dinged and I looked down and saw it was a text from Cara checking to see if I was okay.
I’d gone straight to hers and Trace’s house when I left Bella’s a few hours ago. Before I’d even finished explaining what happened she was in tears and hugging me. She was shocked, but had basically the same reaction as I did; it wasn’t as surprising as we both wished it was.
She said she was done with our parents. I tried to tell her that she didn’t need to do that, not for me. She said that it was for me and for her and Trace’s baby. She said that she didn’t want people in her son or daughter’s life that would hurt them. But it was also for Bella, and for her niece, Sadie, who she couldn’t wait to meet.
Hearing my little sister refer to Sadie as her niece made the entire situation that much more real to me. I had a daughter. Cara had a niece.
I texted back that I was fine and that Bella was on her way over. She said to give Bella her love and let her know that she and Trace were there for her and Sadie if they needed anything.
As bad as Cara felt for me, the thing that had upset her the most was that Bella had gone through all of that by herself. She’d lost her dad, and basically her mom, I broke up with her, she got sent away, then found out she was pregnant, and had a baby all by herself and thought I wanted nothing to do with her.
It made me sick to my stomach.
After another check out the window, I started pacing. Again. I was going to make it up to her. Somehow. Someway. I was going to make it up to her and Sadie both. My daughter was going to know that her dad loved her.
My daughter.
The words sounded so foreign and so right to me at the same time. I felt so conflicted, I was all over the place. One minute I was happier than I’d ever been. The next I was madder than I’d ever felt. The next I was heartbroken thinking about everything that Bella and Sadie had been through without me. Then I would be overwhelmed with gratitude thinking about how lucky I was that after all these years the truth came out. Then I would be on cloud nine thinking about Sadie and Bella. Then I would feel rage for the time that was robbed from us and the cycle would start all over again like I was a hamster on a wheel of emotions.
I’d just finished several more rounds of sitting. Standing. Window checking. And then pacing, when I heard a soft knock on the door.
I opened it and there was Bella, standing on my porch looking like the angel she was.
“I didn’t hear a car.” I looked behind her.
“I walked.”
“You walked?”
“Yes,” she said quietly. “I needed to clear my head.”
“Where’s Sadie? Is she okay?”
“She’s at home.” Bella said calmly. “Sleeping.”
“Alone?” There was a hint of panic in my voice. “Is she old enough to stay by herself?!”
Bella’s lips curled up into a wide smile that took up her whole face. It was a real smile. Seeing that smile gave me hope that things would be okay. “Yes. She’s old enough to stay home alone. I was babysitting when I was her age, remember?”
“Oh, right.” I used to sneak over to wherever she was and we’d watch movies and make out when the kids went to bed.
Holy shit! Was there someone kissing my daughter?!
“But,” Bella went on. “She’s not alone. Jade is with her. She was excited to meet her namesake.”
“Oh that’s right, Sadie Jade.” So much had happened this morning that it was hard to keep it all straight.
Bella’s left shoulder shrugged. “I wanted to name her after Cara, but with everything…I just…”
My heart broke again. “I’m sorry, Bella. I’m so sorry. I’ll do anything to make this better, whatever you need. Whatever Sadie needs. I’ll do anything.”
She nodded and I could see that there was hope in her eyes, but there were still walls up. She was still guarded and I didn’t blame her. “Just tell me what I can do.”
“Umm,” she tilted her head so she was looking around me. “You could let me in to start with.”
“Oh shit.” I opened the door further. When I shut it, I ran my hands through my hair. “I’m sorry. I’m just…I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“Yeah, there’s a lot of that going around.” She sat on the couch facing the large picture window.
“Can I get you anything? Water? A stiff drink?”
She laughed and my world righted itself. Just hearing that sweet sound anchored me and I knew I could handle whatever else came my way. “No. I’m good.”
I wanted to pull her onto my lap, but I knew that wasn’t what she wanted or needed right now. So I took the chair across from her so I could give her my full attention and not be tempted to reach out and touch her.
Inhaling through her nose, she took a deep breath before saying, “I think we should talk.”
She looked like the weight of the world was sitting on her shoulders and I wanted more than anything else to take her burdens off of her. And I would start with being there for her and listening to her. I had questions and I wanted answers.
When could I see Sadie?
Was she going to tell her that I was her father or was I?
Were they going to live in Wishing Well?
If not, then where would we be moving?
There was no way I wasn’t going to live in the same town as them. I’d missed twelve years, I wasn’t going to miss another day. But first, I would listen and make sure that she felt heard and supported…unless she wanted me to take the lead.
“Do you want to start, or do you want me to?” I asked.
That put another smile on her lips and I breathed a little easier. “I’ll start.” She gulped and then said, “I think it’s best if I tell Sadie alone. I feel like she’s had so many things changing in her life and I don’t think it’s fair to her to put the added pressure of hearing that news with an audience.” She flinched. “Not that you’re an audience, you’re not, I just meant—”
“I know what you meant, and if that’s what you think is best then that’s what we’ll do.”
“Good,” she nodded, looking marginally relieved. “My plan is to tell her tomorrow morning. She’s out like a light and probably won’t resurface until then and it’ll give me some time to figure out exactly what to say.”
“Okay,” I agreed.
She straightened and lifted her chin. “After I talk to her, I’ll call you and let you know what the plan is. I’m not sure how she’s going to take it and I don’t want to force her into meeting you, officially, as her father, until she’s ready. I wish I could tell you when that will be, but I can’t. I have no idea how she’s going to react to this.” Tears coated her glossy eyes. “But, I will not push her before she’s ready. As unfair as this situation is for us, she really didn’t ask for any of this. She’s been through so much, and I will not let anyone hurt her, even you. I’m sorry if you don’t think that’s fair to you, but I have to do what’s right.”
“Bella,” I cut in. “I don’t care about me. This isn’t about me. This is about Sadie. I would never force her to meet me.” My gut twisted in knots that she thought she had to protect our daughter from me. “I would never hurt her. You have to know that.”
“I know.” The tears were pouring down her face now. “I do know that. I’m just…this is all so much. And for so many years it’s just been me and Sadie. I mean and Owen, but he worked seventy plus hours a week and was always gone at conferences and medical conventions. It’s really been just the two of us. And she was so sick for so long.”
“You said she was in the NICU,” I said to myself more than her as the memory came back to me. “You said you got the papers when she was in the NICU.”
She nodded, wiping her face. I grabbed her a tissue from the side table and handed it to her. “Thanks. Yes, she was in the NICU for the first two months of her life and then in the hospital for three more after that.”
My chest felt like it was in a vice. It tightened to the point where I could barely breathe.
“She was premature and was born with a lot of health issues. The doctors only gave her a forty percent chance of survival. Which, of course I heard as a…”
“Sixty percent chance of death,” we said in unison.
Just like Cara.
Bella continued crying. “At first it looked really bad. Her lungs weren’t developed and she had several heart conditions. But she was, she is, a fighter. Every day she got a little better. I remember the nurses would say “today was a good day” more and more. I started counting them. When she was finally released from the hospital she’d gotten thirty-two today was a good days in a row.”
“God, Bella. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there for you. For Sadie. I don’t know how you did it. You’re so strong.”
“No,” she shook her head. “Sadie is the strong one. She did all the hard work. I was just there. She was the one that fought.” Tears poured down her cheeks like waterfalls as she took in a shaky breath. “She was so small. So fragile. Even her skin was translucent. She was the one that didn’t give up. She was the one that proved all of the doctors wrong. I just showed up every day and held her.”
Thinking of her at sixteen, alone, in a city where she didn’t know anyone, with a new baby in the hospital, and no support was unthinkable to me. I had to know that someone was there with her. “And your aunt, Ruby, did she come with you?”
Her face dropped, and she wiped her cheeks with the tissue. “She would’ve, but she was sick. When I got to Seattle I realized that she was having the same symptoms as Papa Duke. She was confused a lot. Forgot who I was. Thankfully, she had two neighbors that looked out for her so I didn’t have to worry about her when I was in the hospital with Sadie.”
“Oh my god,” I exhaled. She’d been through hell, through a living nightmare, and she was still here, still standing, still fiercely protecting her, our daughter. How could she not see how strong she was? How could she not see that she was a fighter?
It was everything I could do not to reach out and hug her. “You have to know that I would’ve been there if I’d known. I can’t believe I wasn’t there.”
“I do know that…now. At the time, I don’t know, I was scared. And you told me that you wanted to see other people and then the one time you answered the phone when I called you hung up on me, so when I got the papers, I just thought…I didn’t know what to think.”
Not being able to keep my distance I moved in front of her, kneeling as I took her face in my hands. “I said all that at the bus because I wanted you to go and have a chance to be happy. I didn’t want you waiting for me. I wanted you to live your life and not put it on hold for me.”
“Wait…What?!” Bella stood and I stood with her. “You didn’t mean…you didn’t mean all those things you said to me?!”
“No.” I shook my head, trying to make her understand. “I loved you. I never stopped loving you. I still love you. I just…I thought it was the right thing to do. I thought that if you were thinking about me, about home, that you would never be happy.”
“Do you think that made it better?!” She yelled. “Do you think that I wasn’t more miserable because I thought you didn’t love me anymore? Do you think breaking my heart makes me happy?!”
“No. I know it didn’t. I know that it was wrong. I was so wrong and I’m so sorry.”
“You’re sorry?” She let out a forced laugh. “You’re sorry. Do you think that makes everything better?” She pressed her hand to her chest. “I was fifteen. I was pregnant. I lost my dad. My mom was on drugs. I was in a city with an aunt who didn’t know who I was anymore, you were the only good thing I could’ve had in my life.” Her face was soaked with tears still flowing as she put her hands on my chest and pushed, but I didn’t budge. “You were the only love I could’ve had in my life and you told me you wanted to see other people.” She pushed again and her legs started to collapse as she began to crumble into sobs. “You told me—”
“I’m sorry.” I grabbed her upper arms and lifted her up, pulling her to me as she cried against my chest. I ran my hands through her hair, held her and told her again and again that I was so sorry and that I loved her. It might be too late, but she had to know. I loved her, I always had and I always would.