Chapter 16
Bella
“When you climb in the saddle you better be prepared to ride.”
~ Papa Duke
The sun was barely peeking over the horizon. The birds were chirping. And the air was crisp. I tried to let my serene surroundings settle down the anxiety bubbling up in me as I walked down the path towards my fate. Whatever that may be. I’d known this moment was coming for twenty-five days, so I’d had plenty of time to prepare myself, but I was still a basket case.
Up until yesterday, I hadn’t had any idea what I wanted to do. For twenty-four and a half days I’d been in a constant state of turmoil trying to figure out what I should do, what I should say, but then two envelopes arrived yesterday and they gave me clarity.
Now, I knew exactly what I was going to say. I knew exactly what I wanted. I just didn’t know how Colton was going to respond to it.
My palms grew damp again and I wiped them on my jeans…again. Holes in the knees of denim were a cute look, holes above the knee…not so much. If I didn’t get a handle on my nerves I was going to wear down my jeans and have two large holes on my thighs.
Last night I’d watched the finale of the show where Colton had chosen Heather, the part-time model and law student. I’d liked her from the beginning. When she’d sat in my chair the first thing that had struck me was that she was beautiful. The second thing was that she wasn’t crazy, like most of the other girls I’d styled.
I’d known she was going to be his choice because Heather had shown up on the porch of the back house carrying an envelope and told me. She’d handed it to me and told me that she and Colton had an arrangement.
Early on, she’d figured out that he didn’t really want any kind of relationship. It was obvious to Heather that Colton was just going through the motions, so she’d broken the rules and gone to talk to him when the cameras weren’t rolling. She’d explained that while she’d gone into the show open to anything, the real reason she was here was because she hated law school and was only going for her parents. She’d done some modeling but nothing significant. She hoped that doing this show would gain her exposure and her parents would support her decision to leave school. So, she proposed that they pretend to fall in love, then go on the two-week vacation together, and break up when they got back.
From what she’d said, he’d been beyond relieved that she’d come to him. He’d agreed instantly and they’d been acting this entire time. Apparently, they were both doing a really good job because they were all anyone was talking about. She wasn’t just the front runner, she’d been the only runner.
I hadn’t watched the show except for last night. The only time I’d come close was the viewing party at The Cow. But I left before he came back. Bryson had insisted on it after seeing the two of us together.
I stepped over a large branch that had fallen on the ground and I saw Colton sitting on our log. I took a deep breath and stopped walking. This was it. Make or break time. If I took another step chances were he’d hear me and turn around. If I was going to chicken out, this was the time.
Instead of going forward or back, I stayed in place. It kind of felt like a representation of my life. I was stuck.
That thought frustrated me and my hands fisted and the corner of the envelope Heather had handed me yesterday dug into my palm. The sensation snapped me out of my indecision paralysis.
I’d made up my mind and I was going to see this through.
The next step I took, a twig crunched beneath my feet.
Colton spun around. “I didn’t hear a car.”
My heart was beating so loud I barely heard him. “I walked.”
“You walked?!” He rushed over to me, looking up and down like he was checking to see if I was okay. “That’s two miles. And it’s dark.”
“I’m fine. I wanted the fresh air.”
He pointed at the envelope in my hand. “I see you got my note.”
I looked down at my hand holding the envelope Heather had handed me the day before and noticed that it was trembling. The note inside asked me to meet him at our spot at sunrise. “Our spot” was small patch of land on the outskirts of Colton’s ranch. He’d always come here to think growing up and once we became a couple, he started bringing me here. For the first few years we were together, we mostly just talked out here. But the older we got it was less talking and more kissing.
“I put a blanket down.” He gestured behind him.
We went over and when we sat down I took a deep breath and started talking before I lost my nerve.
I blurted out. “Yes. I am divorced.”
His eyes widened slightly but I didn’t let his reaction slow me down.
“As of yesterday. I got the final papers yesterday.” They were the final push onto my current path. “But I don’t want to talk about that. I don’t want to talk about the past or the future. I want…” My mouth was growing dry and I had a hard time swallowing. This all sounded so good in my head, but now that I was here, actually saying it, I wasn’t so sure.
When I’d seen the final divorce papers something had clicked in my mind. I was free for the first time I could ever remember. I wasn’t attached. Sadie was healthy. She was in another state having fun with her grandparents.
Then I realized why I’d needed time before talking to Colton. Part of it was because I didn’t trust myself around him and I didn’t want something to happen that would hurt me, him, or most of all Sadie. I had this idea in my head that being with Colton would be betraying her. But she was fine. With all of the odds against me I’d managed to raise a well-adjusted, bright, and funny kid. She was happy. Really happy. And she never had to know that this had happened.
I needed closure. In one week I was going to be driving back to Oregon to pick up Sadie and start a new life and I needed to put this town, this man, this part of my life behind me and move on. And even though I knew this might not be the best way for me to do that, it was what I wanted. And for once, that was going to count for something.
I took a breath and pressed on. “For a long time, I’ve been doing what is good for other people and never thinking of myself. My life hasn’t been my own and that’s fine. I wouldn’t change a single thing. But I want this time, right now, to be about me. I want to be selfish. I’m not offering you a future and I don’t want to talk about the past, but I want to be with you. I’ve missed you so much. I never stopped missing you. Loving you. You were ripped out of my life and I never got a real chance to say goodbye to you. To have closure. I want that. I want to be with you one more time so I can…so I can…I just need…”
I felt tears pool in my eyes, either from nerves or finally saying what had been in my heart for so long. The truth. I’d held so much guilt for continuing to love Colton even after he’d wanted nothing to do with Sadie. But I was tired of carrying that around, I was tired of trying to pretend that I didn’t, I was tired of lying to even myself. I was tired.
I knew there was a chance that if this happened, I’d get even more hurt when I walked away. But I’d set boundaries for myself. Under no circumstances would I kiss, or snuggle into, or smell his neck. If I didn’t do that then I could use this as the catharsis that I needed it to be. And at least this time I would be the one walking away. I was in charge of my own destiny. I knew that we could never be together, but I wanted one more time with the love of my life.