Chapter 4
Bella
“Keep your friends close and your enemies in shootin’ range.”
~ Papa Duke
“Please. Can we talk?” Colton asked for a second time.
No!
My inner voice screamed. I wanted to do a lot of things right now with, or to, Colton. I wanted to scream at him. Hit him. Punch him. I also wanted to fall into his arms and hold him. Touch him. Kiss him. To melt into his golden eyes that had always hypnotized me.
I did not want to talk to him.
“Isn’t that what we just did?” I snapped back so fast you would think I was in a snapping turtle contest as I tried to move around him.
He stepped in front of me and held out his arm. “Wait.”
I jerked back, stopping just short of colliding against him. Our bodies weren’t in any contact, but he was so close that I could feel the heat of his body radiating off of him. Without permission from my head, which would’ve vetoed this action, I inhaled deeply, closing my eyes as the scent that was uniquely Colton filled my nostrils. It was clean, like soap, and earthy, like fresh cut grass and sunshine, with just the faintest hint of spice.
For a moment, I allowed the smell to pull me back to when I used to lay my head on his shoulder and tuck my head in the crook of his neck. There was a spot, right above his collarbone that I would sniff and then kiss. He liked the kissing part, I’m not sure if he ever knew about the sniffing. At the time, as a young teen, I thought that I might have a fetish. I’d heard about people with foot fetishes and I thought I might have a smell fetish. Now, I knew that’s not what it’d been. I’d just had a Colton fetish.
I knew that being back here would bring up a lot of things that I’d buried deep and there was nothing I could do about that. But I didn’t have to dwell in those memories. I forced my eyes open to detour my mind’s journey down memory lane.
Even in my heels Colton was a head taller than me, which put my eyeline directly at chest level. I stared at the buttons of his white dress shirt as my lips parted and I inhaled and exhaled through my mouth to try to limit my olfactory triggers.
Sensing that I was no longer a flight risk, Colton lowered his arm to his side and I noticed his fingers curl into a fist. The cotton material of his shirt was thin enough that I could see the dips and lines of his muscles beneath it tense.
Lord, help me. He’d truly filled out in all the right places.
“Bella?” His voice was strained. “Please?”
“Please what?” I raised my chin up and saw that his light-brown eyes were pleading even more than the words he was speaking.
“Can we go somewhere and talk?”
“Here’s fine.” No way, no how was I going to allow him to move me to a secondary location. I needed to protect myself from being kidnapped—not physically, but emotionally.
He reached for my hand, but I pulled it away from him. It was a small movement, but it saved me. If he touched me, I wasn’t sure what I’d do.
When he lowered his hand, I could see that he was searching for the right thing to say. Finally he asked, “How have you been?”
“Great.” Neither the smile that was on my face nor the word that I spoke were sincere. It would’ve been good if I left it at that, but southern hospitality got the better of me, and I asked, “How are you?”
Relief flashed in his caramel gaze. He might think that this was an opening to “catch up” but really it was just an automatic conversational reaction.
“I’m…” His shoulders shrugged as he began speaking faster than he normally did, as if he was afraid if he stopped talking I’d leave—which wasn’t an irrational fear. “I’m okay. Busy. The ranch is doing well. Trace and Travis have been helping me out because I’ve had to travel a lot lately. Cara’s doing good. She graduated and is writing for a magazine. She’s married.” He motioned around him. “Obviously.”
“I’m so glad. I was so worried about her, but I’ve been following her on Instagram and she seems like she’s doing great!”
He paused as he swallowed, hard, and I noticed his Adam’s apple bob up and down. I tried not to notice the vein that ran from his jaw down to his shoulder. The vein that I used to trail kisses down and then back up again.
The things that you miss about people had always surprised me. When I lost my dad, the thing I missed—and still miss—the most was him waking me up in the morning. He’d come in my room singing. It was never the same song. Sometimes it would be rock-n-roll. Sometimes it was R&B. Sometimes it was Country. At the time it had annoyed me, since I’d never been a morning person. But since he’d been gone, I woke up every morning wishing he was singing to me.
When my mom finally lost her battle to drugs and depression, the thing I missed the most was the way she’d run her hands through my hair every time she passed by me. I’d never really noticed it until she was gone, since she’d done it my entire life. Every time she’d walk by me, if we were passing in the hall, if I was sitting at the table or on the couch, if she got something out of the fridge and I was doing the dishes, she’d just brush her fingers through my hair. I missed that feeling.
With Colton, it was his neck. The way it smelled, the feeling of it against my lips, the way his pulse would race faster and faster as I nuzzled against his sweet spot. That little crook felt like my place, and when I snuggled against it, it was my happy place.
“I still can’t believe you’re really here. Standing in front of me,” he said in awe. “I can’t believe that I’m actually looking at you. After all this time.”
He may not have seen me in all the time we’d been apart, but I’d certainly seen him. Over the past several years, he’d been on multiple reality shows. And unfortunately Sadie was obsessed with reality television.
Thanks, Kardashians.
She’d watched every show that Colton had been on. When I’d first seen him on Fairytale Love, I’d almost passed out. Literally. I’ll never forget that moment. I was peeling potatoes at the kitchen table for dinner and Sadie was in the family room “doing her homework” AKA watching television. I heard his voice. I thought that I must be having a vivid daydream, but when I looked up his face filled our sixty-inch flat screen.
I stood up to walk closer to the TV and my legs didn’t hold me. Thankfully, the chair I’d just vacated caught me before I ended up with my backside kissing the tile. That first time I’d seen him was a shock to my system. We’d ordered pizza that night. And the next one. It had been days before I regained my emotional equilibrium.
As I remembered how unbalanced I’d been, I must’ve visualized it into being. A partygoer bumped Colton’s shoulder and his arm brushed mine. That was all it took for my body to betray me. That brief and innocent contact sent tingles breaking out along every inch of skin that was bare. A shiver raced down my spine and a shock of bliss erupted low in my belly.
I tried to tell myself that my body’s Judas-like reaction had nothing to do with Colton’s touch. He wasn’t magic. My physiological response was a byproduct of my psychological state. It was all in my head, a self-fulfilling prophecy. I had been anticipating what would happen if we came into contact so it happened.
At the same time as Colton was jarred, the music changed to a much faster paced and louder song. Colton glanced around before leaning down. He was so close, I could feel his breath fanning my face as he spoke. “Can we at least just go outside?”
No!
I wished my outside voice was as strong as my inner voice, but if the lump that had formed in my throat was any indication, it wasn’t. Instead of answering verbally, I shook my head.
Before I could evade his touch, his fingers gently wrapped around my wrist and this time my body’s reaction wasn’t psychosomatic. I’d always loved the feeling of his work-roughened hands touching me. Owen was a surgeon, his hands were his tools and they were softer than mine most of the time. I’d missed this feeling. The texture of his touch was erotic and comforting. I loved the sensation it caused from the skin-to-skin contact, but I also loved that it made me feel taken care of, like he was capable and all male.
As Colton’s course fingertips brushed lightly against the sensitive skin above my pulse, arousal shot through me with a force that almost brought me down. I had to lock my knees so they wouldn’t buckle beneath me.
“Please, I need to talk to you.” The desperation in his voice combined with the tingling warmth spreading through me was a recipe for disaster.
He might need to talk to me, but I needed to remain in control, and if I was alone with Colton, that would be impossible. I would fold like a house of cards in a windstorm.
“No.” I shook my head and tugged my hand away.
When he immediately let it go, I couldn’t help but be disappointed. I also couldn’t help but miss his touch.
I hated myself for not being stronger. I’d had plenty of time to play out how this would go on my drive from Oregon to here and this wasn’t how I’d envisioned it. In my mind I’d been able to converse like a normal human being. We’d engaged in a few minutes of small talk and gone on our way.
Instead, I was about to make a fool out of myself for someone that didn’t deserve it. I wished I were immune to the rumble of Colton’s deep voice saying my name. To the way his eyes looked right through me, to the depths of my soul. To the way he smelled like hope and home. To the way just being near him made me feel safe, like nothing bad could ever happen to me.
But that wasn’t true. None of those things were real. They were just an illusion of something that I’d imagined in my head. For years I’d believed that Colton J. McCord and I were destined to be together. That our love story was one for the ages, the kind of love that people wrote poems and songs about. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
My brain knew that, my heart had apparently missed that memo. Being this close to him was wreaking havoc on my emotions, which had already been through the wringer.
I needed to get away from him. Fast. I’d done what I’d come to do. I wasn’t chickening out. I’d seen him. Spoken to him. Now I needed to go and say congratulations to Cara and leave. This was too much.
For a moment I considered trying to walk around him again, but I knew that he would just counter my move, blocking me once again and we’d end up doing the two-step as I tried to get around him.
“I need to go see Cara,” my voice didn’t sound quite as strong as I would have liked, but it hadn’t cracked so I was still considering it a win.
“Bella, don’t go. It’s been so long.” Colton’s voice did crack and I had to admit, I felt a small amount of satisfaction to hear how affected he was.
I’d never wished suffering upon anyone in my life, but if this—if seeing me—was hard for him, I definitely wasn’t going to lose any sleep over it. He’d made the rules a long time ago, I was just following them.
Still, I didn’t want to cause a scene or ruin Cara’s wedding. If he was anything like the Colton that I’d known all those years ago, he wouldn’t drop this. When he set his mind to something, it happened.
Not seeing a ton of options, I went with the truth. I’d never lied to Colton and even if it was in my best interest, I wasn’t going to start now. Emotion began to well in my eyes, but I forced myself to smile as I said, “I can’t. You need to move. Now.”
The corner of his eyes bunched, and he flinched as if the words had been a physical slap. “But, I’m leaving tomor—”
“Bella? Bella, darlin’, is that really you?!”
My heart swelled as I turned around and saw Tami Lynn, who had been one of my mom’s best friends, standing behind me.
She and my mom had worked at the only diner in town. Growing up, I’d always thought that she was basically a cartoon version of a small town waitress. With her teased out hair, bubble gum and long nails that were always painted the same bright shade as her lipstick.
The only thing bigger than Tami Lynn’s hair was her heart. After we lost my dad, Tami Lynn always did everything she could to make sure my mom was okay. I can’t count the number of nights that I would call her when I was worried about mom because she hadn’t come home, sometimes in days. Without fail, no matter what time, day or night, Tami Lynn would find her and bring her home.
In the years that I’d been gone she hadn’t aged a day. It was so good to see her and I threw my arms around her neck. The tears that I’d been able to fight off earlier were now running down my face.
“Aww, my sweet girl.” Tami Lynn hugged me back. “I’m so glad you’re home.”
After a few moments she pulled back. “Well now, let me look at you.” Lifting my hand she spun me around, the same way she did whenever I’d come into the diner in my church dress. “Ooooeeee, you’re such a pretty little thing. Isn’t she Colton?”
“Yes. She is.”
The heat from Colton’s stare was pinning me in place. I didn’t dare look up. I’d barely managed to turn the faucet of tears off, and there was still a drip. If I made eye contact I feared that drip would turn into Niagara Falls.
“How ya been, sweetie? After you moved up North I didn’t hear a peep from you!”
“I know, I’m sorry.” I had always meant to write or call Tami Lynn, but whenever I thought about her I thought about my mom, which made me think about my dad, which made me think about the family that I’d had and lost and that was just a wound I never wanted to reopen. “I’ve been hangin’ in there. What about you? How’s Emmitt?”
“Oh he’s fine. He’s been workin’ up over in Parish Creek, which is good but the second he walks in the house he parks his rear end on the couch, in front of the TV. I try to get him to brave the outdoors but it’s like his backside is superglued to the sofa cushion. Lazier than a toad at noon, that one.”
I smiled as I listened to the affection in Tami Lynn’s tone. She and her husband Emmitt had been together since high school. They had a funny dynamic. She loved to complain about him, but it was clear to everyone that he was her rock. And he barely talked, but lit up when she was in a room. It was clear to everyone that he loved her larger-than-life personality. They were the epitome of opposites attracting.
“But enough about me,” she lifted my left hand. “What about you? Where’s the man that put this rock on your finger?”
Shit. I should’ve taken it off. The truth always had a way of coming out anyway and it’s not like it had acted as any kind of a repellent against Colton. He hadn’t noticed it, or he had and didn’t care.
“Oh, he’s, in…um…home. He stayed home.” I left out the fact that he now shared that home with his new girlfriend. Lies of omission were going to have to be on the table if I had any hope of getting through this.
“Well, that’s too bad. I’d love to meet him. What does he do?”
“He’s a cardiologist. He specializes in pediatrics.”
Tami Lynn’s arms flew in the air as she exclaimed, “Hot damn! You nabbed a doctor?”
“Mmm, hmm,” I half-heartedly confirmed.
Mrs. Reed joined our small group and placed her hand over her chest. “Oh my, is that Isabella Connor?”
“It sure is!” Tami Lynn held out her hands like I was a display and she was a spokesmodel. “In the flesh.”
A small crowd gathered and I found myself in the center of it. There were lots of shocked faces. Lots of answering the same questions over and over again. And lots of hugs.
For a few, precious, moments I lost myself in the familiarity of my surroundings. I let myself take a small reprieve in the comfort of being cocooned by people who’d known me since I was in diapers. It was a unique feeling that was impossible to replicate. Wave after wave of small groups of people that I’d known for the first fifteen years of my life came to welcome me back. It was exactly what my heart needed.
Colton stayed at my side until he was pulled away because they were about to cut the cake. I still hadn’t had a chance to congratulate Cara and Trace, but I decided to slip out while I was ahead of the game and Colton was distracted.
A sensation that I couldn’t quite put my finger on washed over me as I got in the car and started driving to Papa Duke’s farmhouse. I rolled my window down and turned up the radio. I listened to Tim McGraw as the wind blew through my hair while speeding down a country road and I realized that what I felt was familiarity.
I was home. It might only be for a short time, but I’d finally come home. And so far the score was: Bella: 2 Colton: 0