I’m sorry? That’s all I could come up with? I mean seriously? What the fuck is wrong with me? Never, in my life, since dating or fucking women, has panic-induced paralysis taken over. My body betrayed me and shut down.

Honestly, it felt like I was going to have a panic attack. The moment she moaned and parted her legs for me, I lost my shit. She wasn’t some other girl to bang or some conquest to have. She didn’t deserve to be treated like the rest. This is Jenny, my Jenny. She deserved better than that and better than me.

Jenny deserves to be laid down slowly and savored, not fucked up against a wall. She’s the only girl who‘s gotten me over the years, the only opinion that ever really mattered.

I try not to think about what we were doing a few minutes ago, but I can’t help it. She’s got me all twisted again. My lips form a smirk thinking of how we were moments ago. I mean, at some point, I’d like to take her against the wall but not for our first time.

She requires my full attention and utmost care. Her body is to be cherished and worshiped. Every inch of her explored by my hands, lips and tongue. Taking our time, getting to know each other’s bodies and how they respond. No rushing; only hours of agonizing pleasure.

So what do I do? Instead of telling her this, I freeze up and act like a complete idiot. Then to top it off, I walk away. I can’t even explain it myself because even I don’t get it.

This has never been me. I never walk away from a beautiful girl in prime position to be fucked. In fact, that’s what I’m good at. I can close the deal and make a woman come in minutes. I never have to think or feel. I just do it. It’s automatic.

And that’s why I had to stop. Jenny is not automatic. She’s my go out and have fun that you never want to stop girl. I don’t want it to ever stop with her. She makes me think and feel on a different and deeper level. A level I never thought possible or even wanted to get to. She’s my game changer, the shift in momentum. That single moment when everything suddenly changes and makes sense. And it scares the shit out of me.

She is special. I’ve walked away from her three times now. I won’t make that mistake again. That’s if she will even speak to me. Looking out into the vineyard, I try to regain control. I know that Jenny will be down here any minute and I can only imagine her wrath.

The look of confusion and disappointment in her eyes as I turned away stings me. It’s a look I’m all too familiar with. I’ve seen it on her face twice before.

It’s a look I recognize in my own self, memories of my childhood that still haunt me. I always told myself I never wanted those feelings to show again. I certainly never in a million years wanted to see them in hers.

I hear the door open and slam shut which causes my body to jump forward. The loudness of her entrance really shouldn’t surprise me. She’s pissed and rightfully so. In her mind I completely fucked her up and over. She’s not going to let that go quietly.

That’s not her style. Her piss and vinegar personality is one that I adore, crave and appreciate, but being on the receiving end of it sucks big time.

We’ve always had a love-hate relationship since we were kids. We had moments that we got along and could laugh, but ever since she left for college she’s been super pissed at me. It’s a no holds barred pissing match. She gives and I take and I give and she takes. It's a volleyball of insults that keep me sharp and on my game.

I remember this one time in regards to who was the greatest football player of all time. She said Tom Brady and I went with Peyton Manning. Truth be told, I agreed with her, but sometimes I would say the opposite just to get her going. And she didn’t disappoint. I think her exact words were, “Manning? Are you serious? Who has more rings, playoff wins, overall wins in head to head competition, oh, and fewer interceptions?”

I made sure to bring up the AFC Championship game and that she had her facts messed up. And that’s when she actually threw her empty cup at me before storming out.

I loved every second of it. Because, in that moment, she was a total turn on.

That’s how it is. All I want to do is slam my mouth onto hers so she’ll shut the hell up. Then in the next moment, she’s managed to get so far under your skin that you want to pull out your hair, slam your fist in the wall, and scream at the top of your lungs. And, fuck me because I absolutely love it.

My body remains still, not ready to turn around. I vaguely hear her in the background talking to her family. My ears will only perk up when she says my name. I can feel her walk past me. Her mouthing goodbye to me wasn’t what I was expecting.

The sting is sharp and bites. I try to shake off her goodbye but I think this time she might mean it.

I’m not sure how much time passed, it could have been minutes or an hour, but I watched her. I couldn’t help it. Hell God only knows if she will even acknowledge me again but my eyes stayed. Finally she approaches me and the look on her face tells me it’s bad.

“Look who we have here. Hello Jack.” I can practically hear her fangs dropping down. Jenny has obliged me with one hell of a tone and I have to face her wrath. Turning gingerly, I briefly close my eyes not wanting to make direct eye contact right away- the pain would be too evident. “Well, aren’t you going to say anything? After all, it has been about a year since you’ve seen me.”

Taking a chance, my eyes are greeted with one hell of a death stare. It’s a new one for her and I thought I’d seen them all. This one is disgust mixed with pure anger. I hate what I’m seeing. In fact, I never want to see it on her beautiful face again. She deserves only to have looks of love, lust, joy, happiness, pleasant surprises, and peace.

I open my mouth to speak but she quickly cuts me off. Leaning in toward me, she whispers, “Goodbye, Jack.” Her anger has morphed into sadness and it crushes me.

She spins away as quickly as her words did, my mouth still agape. The words I wanted to say weren’t able to come out. Besides, knowing her, she wouldn’t give me the time to let them out right now.

I watch her head over to the outside tables to grab a drink. The only thing I can do is watch and wait. Leaving things like this isn’t right. I need her to understand how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking.

Words and feelings have never come easy for me. I’ve done a masterful job of bottling all that shit up and locking it in. My life’s goal was to push that shit down and not let it out. Jenny is the first girl that I want to open up to and I haven’t a fucking clue how to do it.

People thought I lived the perfect life growing up. Most didn’t know the secret pain that I bore. Jenny did though. I trusted her with it. Her family was my safe haven, my escape.

Managing my guilt and fear was exhausting. Some days were better than others, but today was not one of them. The intensity I feel for her halted me, gripping me to the core of my fucked up mental state.

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine I would think of her the way I do. It crept up on me slowly, to the point that I didn’t know how to handle it. When we met in the barn and we touched all those years ago, everything screamed ‘retreat.’ So I did. I had to stop it. Blocking those emotions was what I needed to do and what I do best.

For years, I threw myself into countless faceless women. It was easier dealing with what was really going on.

But seeing her last year I couldn’t ignore her anymore. Things shifted for me.

Then I fucked it all up. Looking at her, I couldn’t deny it anymore. Unfortunately, my dick took over before my heart and mind did. The only thing I could envision was her body on mine. She’s been a blessing and a curse to me. And right now it’s a curse - my curse.

The way she looked at me before I left her standing there said that she cared for me, believed in me, and perhaps even loved me. Now the way she said goodbye to me brought to the forefront all the crap I’ve kept pushed down. I feel like a ball of confusion.

Trying to take a break from my scattered thoughts, I scope out a time for me to make my move. I don’t even remember half the conversations that have been going on around me. My eyes observe her every move, bordering on stalkerish.

Every time her body shifts or I hear her voice, my eyes make a beeline to her. I keep hoping she will look at me and our eyes will lock. They will speak my apology, but she never looks my way. It’s beginning to occur to me that I really blew it this time. She wants nothing to do with me ever again. Fuck.

“Hmmmm? What did you say? It sounded like a curse word, young man.” I turn to see Gramps staring right at me with an all knowing look. He always has it. You can’t get anything by him; he’s like some kind of freak of nature when it comes to knowing the entire crazy ass shit going down.

“Ummmm…Yes sir, sorry.” I hang my head down as if I’m a child again.

“Jack my boy, what the hell are you doing? Your eyes will fall out of your head if you look at her one more time!” My head whips up in shock and he clearly notices it.

I know I’ve been busted. Nothing slips past him and I’m sure I will be getting an earful in 3, 2, 1…Gramps never disappoints.

“Now listen to me.” His tone means business. “Jenny is special. Her heart is beautiful-fragile, and deserves only the best. So if you can’t be her absolute, then walk away right now.”

My head nods in agreement. She’s amazing and to me she’s my more, my always. Everything I hear Ben talk about. I want it but I don’t really deserve it. But when I look at Jenny, I feel like I can have it.

Turning toward him, I decide to get it all out. “I know she’s special.” With the weight of a boulder on my chest, I keep going, “But, you see, I don’t think I can stay away from her.” Shrugging my shoulders, I continue, “It really doesn’t matter anyway. She hates me right now.”

I take a chance and look in her direction. I’m rewarded with a fleeting glance of her big beautiful blue eyes. It’s brief, but I saw her and she saw me. I need to hold onto that.

Gramps clears his throat, bringing me back to him. “Well, then you have a choice to make. You can sit here on your ass all night or get over there and talk to her. If you can’t do it, then you don’t deserve her. She’s one you fight for. So get yourself together.” With that, Gramps gets up and excuses himself from the table.

His exit prompts everyone to get up and clear the food. Watching her again I see her walk away. I sit here and ponder what Gramps said. Do I keep away and let things stay the same? Do I make her realize that all of her fight and my wreckage of emotions can be channeled into us?

It’s in that defining moment I know what I have to do. I make my choice. It’s time.

Gramps is right. Maybe I don’t deserve her but I’ve never been one to back down from a challenge before. She’s a challenge I accept. It's game time.