Fuck. I’m lonely. I miss him. My body aches and I can barely get out of bed. These past few days have been hell. I guess this is what heartbreak is all about.

I’ve ended relationships and guys have broken up with me, but, quite honestly, they never mattered as much. This one is different and it sucks. This one is suffocating me.

This is Jack.

My Jack.

It has been days since he messaged me. Days since he got my letter.

I grab my phone off the nightstand and open up his last text. I’ve read it at least fifty times and it never changes. Sadly, with each reread, I ask myself more questions, ones that I don’t have any answers to. The only one that can answer them is him.

That’s when it chirps and flies out of my startled hands.

Jack: You are right. Bye…xo

What the hell does that even mean? What’s he telling me? That’s all you have to say to me? It’s a barrage of never-ending questions.

Rereading it over and over again, I contemplate what he means. Fucking jerk! I know I’m right and I hate it. He didn’t have to admit it. I was hoping for some kind of fight. Then there’s the ‘bye’. He chose flight. “Why didn’t he choose us?”

I was ready to work together for us. I knew there were hurdles and obstacles but I was all in. We both had shit happen in our lives that we needed to learn from and heal. Jack would avoid and I would run.

This time I didn’t want to run. He made me want to stay. However, I needed to trust that he was in it for the long haul. That this was the exception and nothing was holding us back.

It was clear he loved me, but was it enough? That’s what he needed to do. To finally figure things out and put his demons of his family to rest.

His mother’s depression broke him and propelled him into being a savior and fixer. When she died, he lost what little brightness he had left. His dad didn’t have a clue what to do with him or how to parent. It was he and his sister trying to pick up the pieces and live.

The only loving relationship he witnessed was my parents. He had no idea how to be with a woman and love her. He followed in his father’s footsteps and disconnected himself from love and relationships. He became the man he despised.

At first it was charming, but as the years grew on I could tell that he wasn’t being true to himself. The man that I knew was in there barely existed. There were fleeting moments and bright spots of his truest form, but they lessened each time I visited.

I fought him every chance I could. That’s what we developed into. A back and forth of love and hate, and I savored pushing him to the edge. For when I did, I could see the real him underneath.

That was the man I fell in love with and still love.

And then he kissed me. It was genuine. It was Jack. The potential of him and the man he could be. I got my hope back and worked hard to let him reveal himself to me. Unfortunately, years of being a complete tool was ingrained in him. So I gave up and pissed him off even more.

We argued so much that I lost the true reason I was doing it. It wasn’t until he approached me again with yet another amazing kiss that I remembered. How he made me feel and the kind of man he could become. The tears sting my eyes as reality sets in on how I blew it. I finally pushed too much.

I get myself out of bed, which takes great effort. I had him and now I don’t. I really should tell myself to fuck off. “My stupid romantic ideals of want and need. What the hell was I thinking?”

Tonight is the ball and all I want to do is stay under the covers. Assuming the fetal position sounds a heck of a lot better than facing him. Between him and my brother, I’m ready to tell them both to go to hell.

My brother runs and breaks Sam’s heart. Jack tells me I’m right and runs, too. What is it with these two men? I look out my window into the soft glow of the sun shining on the vines. They glisten in the sun and I feel a slight warmth flow through me.

In the clearing, I see the tents and lighting being staged. My mother is out there barking orders while Gramps sits and supervises. Occasionally, he tells someone to move a light or table but he’s content with observing.

I look at them both and try to not feel jaded. Both have had the love everyone dreams of. Turning to Gramps, I am reminded of how he loved my Gram. He said he did from the first moment he saw her. He pursued her relentlessly and she gave in. They drove each other crazy, but at the end of the day they belonged to each other. He was frisky and loud and she tempered him. She was his calm and he was her wild. I laugh thinking about how that’s a bit like me and Jack.

My attention turns to my mother who just tripped over the cord. I chuckle lightly because that’s where I get my gracefulness. Smiling, I watch her brush her hair off her face as she laughs at herself. My father is walking over to her while trying to hide his grin.

These days it’s rare that two people stay in love, let alone married. My mother actually still loves my dad. They have a rhythm that’s all their own. They complement each other and are true partners. They ebb and flow with each other in a perfectly imperfect way. That’s how I see Jack and me.

A hot mess and a disaster. It doesn’t matter who’s which because it works.

We always had our own melody. It's the lyrics that got muddied. I thought we were learning about each other together, yet I’m alone. Willing away my tears, I decide I need to focus on something else. I don’t want to feel cynical for everyone else.

There is still hope for Sam and Ben, and if I can’t have my happy ending then I want Sam to have hers.

It’s going to hurt like hell seeing Jack tonight, but I will hold my head up high. I’ll be crumbling on the inside, but I won’t let it show. Sadly, when I do this I tend to become a tad feisty. Some would say bitchy, but I prefer my word.

So what can I do? What can I focus on?

Turning my body, I look at the picture framed on my desk. Staring at their image it’s a reassurance of what I must do. I can’t make Jack love me, but I can make sure love happens for the two other most important people in my life.

“Yes.” That’s what I will do.