I didn’t study at all on Sunday. I slept the whole way back to campus. Well actually I cried the first twenty minutes, then I crashed. Once we were back on campus, Steve carried our bags up to our room. Steve and Hannah made arrangements to study and I opted out in favor of more sleep.
Monday morning, I was up like I normally would be. Only I wasn’t getting ready for class, I was getting ready to make my way to the campus clinic. I know that Hannah wouldn’t judge me, I know she would be excited and supportive but I just wanted to get through the wedding before we told everyone. Plus, I honestly don’t have the slightest clue what they will do at this appointment. I didn’t even have an appointment, I was showing up as a walk in. Which is much like the ER, I could sit there for hours before I am seen.
Thankfully, that wasn’t the case. It must have been a slow day because I was headed back to an exam room within 15 minutes. When the nurse asked about the reason for my visit I told her I did a home pregnancy test and wanted to get confirmation. She took my blood pressure, temperature, and then sent me off to pee in a cup. I returned to an empty room where I sat for another 15 minutes before the doctor came in. He told me what I already knew, the test came back positive. Based on the answers to his questions, he figured I was 7 or 8 weeks pregnant. He prescribed prenatal vitamins, gave me several OB/GYN’s in the area I was moving to, and he also had the nurse draw blood to test my HGC levels which he said would help determine how far along I am. He offered an ultrasound, but I declined knowing Cal would want to be there. He told me they would have the blood results back the next morning and I could call in any time after 9:00 am.
I headed back to the dorm so I could call Calvin and talk to him in privacy. I had no plans to go to class this week. I was going through the motions simply for Steve and Hannah’s sake. As I was walking, I sent Cal a text to let him know I was done.
Me: done with appt. On my way to room. I’ll call when I get there.
Cal: ok
Apparently, I didn’t walk fast enough because my phone was ringing as soon as I opened the door to my room. “Hi Cal.”
“I’m dying. What did they say?”
“Everything looked good.”
He immediately interrupted me, “What do you mean looked good. Did they do an ultrasound? Did you get to see?”
“No, sorry. They did another home pregnancy test, which came back positive. They also did a blood test to see what my pregnancy hormone levels are. I’ll be able to get those results tomorrow. The doctor thinks I am between 7 or 8 weeks pregnant. They calculate pregnancy in weeks, starting the first day of your last period. So even though they say 7 or 8 weeks, I didn’t actually get pregnant until 3 or 4 weeks ago. I guess either of those options could be true. The blood test results will help determine which is more accurate. They also gave me a prescription for prenatal vitamins and a referral to an OB/GYN in your area.”
He didn’t respond and it made me nervous. Until I heard him release a breath he had clearly been holding. “That’s good Babe. Really good. How do you feel? Did you already get your prescription filled? Do you need to go off campus for that? How are you going to get those?” He didn’t even give me a chance to answer any of his questions.
“I do have to go off campus for that. I think I can tell Hannah I need to go to the pharmacy for birth control and she’ll take me. I know she won’t judge me and I could just tell her, but Cal I really don’t want to tell everyone yet. I might feel differently after the blood results, but I don’t think so.” Damn tears showed up out of nowhere.
“Sierra, please don’t be upset about wanting to wait. I understand. Do I want the world to know? Hell yes, I do. But I know why and understand it and respect you for wanting to wait. I am only a phone call away. I would drop everything to be there, you know that right? Do you want me to call Hannah?”
“I’m good. I can ask her. Thank you. I am going to go rest until Hannah gets back from class. Call me later, okay?”
“I love you. I’ll call you on my way home.”
“I love you too. Bye Cal.”
I don’t remember anything after that, until Hannah woke me up three hours later. I was able to convince her I needed to hit the pharmacy and thankfully, she was in a hurry to meet Steve at the library so she waited in the car for me.
Tuesday morning I was anxious to get a text message from Sierra. She said she would let me know as soon as she got done talking to the clinic about her blood tests. Instead of a text message my phone rang.
“Good morning Beautiful.” I couldn’t contain the smile on my face as I spoke the words. My smile vanished quicker than bacon at the breakfast table when I heard her voice filled with tears trying to talk to me. I couldn’t understand a single work she was saying, rather than trying to calm her down I just bolted from my office. I didn’t even stop to look for my dad, I figured I could call him from the road. I was just jumping in my pick up when I saw him chasing after me. I guess the receptionist must have found him for me. I kept the door open as I sat in my truck, I couldn’t stop her but I needed to tell my dad what I was doing. “Can you breathe for me? That’s it, take a deep breath. Babe, I am just getting in my truck but I need to talk to my dad really quick and tell him what I am doing. I am not hanging up on you. Okay. Breathe. That’s good Babe. Just a second okay?”
She acknowledged me before I put the phone down on my thigh, trying to block the speaker so she wouldn’t hear what I said to him. “I don’t know exactly what it is Dad. She went to the doctor yesterday. They did blood tests, told her she could call for the results today. She is crying too hard to understand her. I have to be there. I don’t know what it is, but I can’t let her do this alone. I’ll call you as soon as I know more. She doesn’t want to tell anyone until after the wedding.”
“Go son. It’s important that you be there for this. Don’t worry about us here. Drive careful. It’s going to be okay.” He closed my door before I could respond, with the standard double rap on the side of my truck, I took off.
“Sierra. I’m back. I am on the road, headed your way. Are you in your room?”
She managed to confirm thru her tears that she was in her room. Hannah was in class but would be back before I could get there. I put her on hold and called the Hilton to reserve a room for the night, then put her on hold again to call Uber to take her to the Hilton. I told her to grab her books, so Hannah wouldn’t think anything of her being gone. I kept her on the phone and let her know when Uber was there.
Even when the tears slowed, I couldn’t understand what she was saying. I did get that they wanted to see her again today and that she made the appointment for this afternoon hoping that I would be able to go with her. I stayed on the phone with her until she made it all the way to the hotel room. Despite being an emotion mess, she was able to follow my directions pretty well. So, I advised her to climb into the bed and put on soothing music. If she could sleep, great; otherwise just relaxing would be better than what she’d been doing.
The drive that normally took three hours only took me two hours and fifteen minutes. Thankfully, the valet parking wasn’t busy and I was able to drop and go. The front desk was the same, they had everything from my previous stays. I told them I was in a hurry and would give them everything they needed after I took care of my girl.
I opened the door to find her fast asleep bunched in the fetal position. I had removed my suit coat and tie in the truck. I made quick work of my shoes, belt, pants and shirt before I carefully climbed into bed behind her. I didn’t want to wake her, but I needed to feel her in my arms. Even in her sleep, I could feel the tension release from her body as soon as I pulled her into me. She rolled to face me and latched on like a baby koala. As soon as she was physically comfortable, her emotions poured out of her eyes. I just held her, soaking in the tears as they ran down my chest. I still had no clue what was happening but it didn’t decrease the heartbreak I was experiencing.
“My levels aren’t normal. They said when this happens, it usually means the baby isn’t going to survive. It means I will probably miscarry or they will need to take it out of me. They want to do an ultrasound to confirm. I’m going to lose our baby.” she sobbed harder than anyone I have ever seen in my life. I tried to hold it together for her, for us, but I couldn’t. My tears joined hers as I cried for the baby we both desperately wanted, I cried for the woman I love, and selfishly I cried for myself.
I can honestly say I have never, in my life, cried like that. I imagine she has since she has experienced more loss than anyone should ever have to. I was able to confirm that her appointment was still two hours away but that she hadn’t eaten anything all day. So while she rested some more, I ordered room service and requested the concierge get me a casual change of clothes. After forcing Sierra to eat some of the fruit and drink the orange juice, we showered together. I washed and dried her from head to toe and had to practically dress her.
I held her hand as I drove to the clinic, but neither of us spoke a word. I wanted to reassure her that I love her unconditionally, but she is so emotionally raw I don’t know that it will help. I helped her down from the truck and kept my arm protectively around her as we walked the sidewalk leading to the entrance.
I like to think I can handle a lot of things, but seeing the look of pity on the face of the receptionist pissed me the fuck off. It was clear she knew our business. She was already telling Sierra they would be right with us, before we even made it to the check in window.
Seconds later, the door to the back of the clinic opened and a nurse was calling us back. We followed her to the end of the hall where the first thing you see when you walk in is a big old style computer, which I quickly learned was the ultrasound machine. The nurse handed Sierra a paper sheet and advised her to remove everything from the waist down. She said they were going to try and do an external ultrasound, but might have to do an internal ultrasound and this would allow the doctor to do that without delay. When she stepped out, I helped Sierra with her shoes, socks, pants and underwear.
She quickly sat on the exam table with the paper draped over her lap. I wished I could climb onto the table with her, but there wasn’t enough room. We didn’t have to wait long before the doctor walked in. He introduced himself to me and I did the same. He quickly explained that the HCG levels were not consistent with a 7 to 8 week pregnancy. He tried to reassure us that there were several reasons this could be, but the ultrasound was the fastest way to make the determination. He also explained the same as the nurse, he would try to stick with an external ultrasound, but if that didn’t work, he would do the internal ultrasound.
With that, he lifted Sierra’s shirt and squirted a blue gel all over her lower belly. As soon as he pressed his wand into the gel, he turned the monitor on so he could see. It was completely foreign to me. He was completely silent as he moved around, clicking something every now and then. I gave up watching the screen since I didn’t know what I was looking at. Instead, I switched back and forth between looking at Sierra and the doctor. I could see pure determination on his face and desperation on hers. It fucking killed me.
When he returned his wand to its resting spot, he gently placed his hand on her forearm before telling her that he needed to do the internal ultrasound. He explained what that meant as he wiped the gel off her stomach then rolled a condom over the massive device he was going to put inside her. I could see the tears welling in her eyes as he spoke. It took everything in me to breathe through the panic that was desperately trying to make its way out of me.
This time, I couldn’t look at him. I kept my gaze locked on my girl since I still didn’t know what we were looking at on the screen. As the doctor spoke softly telling her what he was doing, I brought my lips to the top of her head as I held her hand firmly in mine. I wanted to speak words that only she would hear, but the stillness of the room made that impossible. So instead, I spoke words I wanted to the world to know, “I love you Sierra.” before getting lost in my thoughts while I am sure she was doing the same.
When the doctor spoke, he pulled our attention back to the screen, “Can you see this here? It’s the sack. Based on the size I can say that we were completely off on our estimated 7 to 8 weeks. Looking at this, conception had to have taken place no more than two weeks ago. Does that make sense for you?”
He isn’t looking at me, his eyes are locked on Sierra’s face. She looks at me before looking away counting days in her mind before she answers him, “It could have happened 6 days ago up to 12 days ago. If not, then it would have been 21 days.”
“I am going to print these out, let you get dressed then we’ll talk. I can explain what I think is happening. Take your time. When you’re dressed, just crack the door so I know you’re ready.” He quietly threw away the condom and his rubber gloves before he left the room.
Neither of us spoke while I helped her get dressed. She wasn’t crying, which made the whole situation better. When she was ready, she opened the door before taking a seat in the guest chair next to me rather than on the exam table. He entered the room right away and started explaining. “I am not an OB/GYN, which means this is not my area of expertise. That being said, I would like you to get a second opinion from an OB/GYN. There are two things that could be happening. I will tell you both options, I will pray for the better one to be true. The first is that you are not as far along as your last period would indicated, which means you found out you are pregnant within days of conceiving. That is what I hope for. The second option is that you were pregnant but that the fetus did not develop which would explain the low HCG levels and the small sack size.”
Our hands were locked together and she dropped her head to my shoulder. When I turned to kiss her forehead, I was shocked to see she wasn’t crying. My overly emotional girl wasn’t crying. Her dry eyes gave me courage to ask the doctor as many questions as I could think of. He patiently answered each one. I explained our weekend plans, and asked if it could be harmful to wait to do anything further until after the weekend. First and foremost, he congratulated us on our upcoming wedding. He explained that there was no danger to Sierra to wait until we returned from Vegas to see the OB/GYN. If the second option was true and the baby didn’t develop, she ultimately could miscarry on her own. He suggested we make an appointment for when we return to have blood drawn prior to her appointment so the OB/GYN would already have the results when we were seen.
I thanked the doctor for taking the time to explain everything to us in a way that we could understand. Then, I promptly picked up my girl and walked out of there.
I think I was all cried out. For the last six months, I had expressed every emotion with tears. I cried more tears in the last 12 hours than I had cried in all six of those months. I told Cal he could put me down when we made it outside and at first, he refused, until I begged, “Please Cal, I want to walk. I’m okay. Please, just let me walk.”
He slowly lowered my feet to the ground and held onto me until I was steady. Before he let me go completely, he turned me to face him and pulled me into him. He surrounded me, his large form engulfed me in the fiercest hug I have ever received. He didn’t speak, he didn’t need to. I could feel his unspoken words of love, hope, and desperation. As much as he was comforting me, I believe I was doing the same for him. It was hard to breathe while wrapped up in his arms, when he felt my efforts to suck in a huge breath, he released me.
As soon as we returned to the hotel, we dropped our clothes and climbed into the bed. We held each other for almost an hour without saying a word. Neither of us cried, we just processed. We were in such a shitty spot, on one hand I wanted to start researching, on the other hand I wanted to continue to dream that everything was going to be okay.
I’ve spent so much time over the last few years worrying. I worried about my parents and Sophia; even though they weren’t here physically, I worried about their souls. I worried about Grandma and even more about Grandpa. I worried about Steve and Curtis while they were at college and they didn’t want to be. I worried about money. I worried about school. I worried about what I wanted to be when I grew up. I worried about Curtis because I knew he was unhappy. I worried about failing. Seriously, the list could go on and on. Logically, I knew that worrying didn’t change anything, it didn’t fix anything, it just made my life harder.
This situation would be the most important thing I could ever worry about. My child, whom I already love with my whole heart might not grow. I might never hold him or her. I might miscarry. But there is still a chance that it could be my greatest opportunity as well. My baby might have just been made when I took the tests that came back positive. I had to let go of the worry. I had to allow whatever was going to happen, to happen. In the back of my mind, I remember telling Cal I wanted the wedding to be focused on us, not the baby. With that memory, I reminded him of just that. “I want to believe with my whole heart that option one is true. That we made this baby more recently than the doctor initially thought. I could worry myself sick that it is option two. If I did that, I would stand the chance of being miserable on our wedding day. I don’t want that. We leave for Vegas in less than 48 hours. We will be married in four more sleeps. After the wedding, I want to enjoy two nights locked away in a hotel with my hot husband. When we get back from Vegas, we can go to the OB/GYN and see if they can tell us one way or the other.”
“You’re so fucking smart Babe. You are right, there isn’t anything we can do that is going to change the outcome, it’s out of our hands. Let’s get some food for my bride to be and then I’m going to practice for our wedding night with you.” For the first time in what felt like days, I laughed.