Hannah and Calvin took off first thing this morning so I stayed in bed longer than I normally would. It was nice having the time by myself without having to worry about anything or take care of anyone. The voice in my head was busy, but in this relaxed state it was different than I was used to. Like I told Calvin the night before, running turns the volume down; if I run long enough it is like hitting the mute button. This was different; the voice itself was the same volume as normal but the content wasn’t the typical self-doubting dialog I was used to. Instead, it was telling me things I imagine my mom would tell me if she were still alive. “Believe in yourself as much as I do. Believe in yourself as much as you believe in your brothers. You are smart. It’s okay to not have your life planned out. You are young and it’s okay to not know where your life is going. Perfection is an illusion, don’t waste your time trying to get to a place that doesn’t exist.” Seriously, it was like I was listening to a meditation tape geared towards building self-esteem.
I eventually got out of bed and spent the day with Curtis. Steve said he had too much homework to even consider leaving his room. I sat in the bleachers while Curtis played an in-door soccer game for a recreational league. He hasn’t played organized sports since we lost Mom, Dad and Sophia. He spends a lot of time at the gym but I think he links organized sports to his life before the loss.
I don’t think he would be playing rec league now if it weren’t for his buddy Jimmy. I’ve met him a few times and when Curtis and I are alone he talks about him a lot. Watching the two of them interact on the field was like watching two people dance around perfectly in tune to one another. Watching them, I see the attraction Jimmy has for Curtis. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if Curtis was attracted to Jimmy as well; but it wouldn’t take away from his attraction to females in general. Curtis has never been shy about telling me about his hook ups. I think Steve would have a heart attack if he knew all the details Curtis has shared with me.
After lunch with a few of his teammates we made our way back to campus. We ran by my room to get my books and gym clothes. I left Hannah a note telling her where I was and when I would be back. It made me happy that she was getting to spend time with Calvin. I know what it was like to go without seeing my brothers and I can see that it makes her sad sometimes.
Hannah must have been exhausted because by the time I made it back to our room she was out cold. As I dumped my books on my desk I saw something on my note pad. Instantly, butterflies took off in my stomach. I had tried to keep from thinking about Calvin all day and this just pushed all that effort into the trash.
Sierra
Thank you for letting me crash in your room. I am sorry I didn’t get to say thank you and good bye in person. At least I will get to see you next weekend at the game.
Oh hey, can you text me a few pictures from the football game yesterday. I know my folks will want to see how much fun we all had. 826-755-2351
See you soon.
Cal
Cal, he goes by Cal. I hadn’t heard anyone call him anything other than Calvin. I like saying Cal. I didn’t want to wake up Hannah so I just took my bra off, ditched my gym shorts and climbed into bed. With the thought of Cal running through my mind, I scrolled through all the pictures from the game yesterday. I don’t suppose he wants me to send the dozen or so pictures I tried to take of him without anyone knowing. Rather than out myself as a stalker, I opted to send him a quick message along with the one picture I took of Hannah and him with the field in the background.
Me: Hi Cal. It’s Sierra. Here is one of you and Hannah at the game. Let me know if there are others you want me to send. If not I’ll see you next weekend.
After hitting send I just sat and stared at all the pictures I had taken. I selected a few to upload to Snapfish so I could order prints. There is something about having printed pictures that comforts me. I imagine it has something to do with the fact that it’s all we have left of those who have died. Before my mind could go crazy my phone buzzed with a message.
Cal: Thank you Sierra. I love the picture. Do you have any with all of us together? Didn’t you have Norma take one or two?
He wants one of the whole group. I can do that. I quickly send off the one I think he is talking about and wait to see if he says anything.
Cal: Perfect. Do you have any of you and Hannah together?
Oh snap, no I am not going to get excited. He wants a better picture of Hannah that he can show his parents.
Me: I have a couple, let me see what I can find. My favorite of Hannah and me is from a few weeks ago. I’ll send you that one too.
It took me a few minutes to find the picture I was thinking of. I sent it along with one from the game. I sat looking at the stalker photos I had of him and started to daydream about him. Before I got too lost in my daydream, my phone buzzed.
Cal: Damn you are beautiful. Thank you for sending me pictures. How was your day?
Holy shit. He just told me I was beautiful. Sure, my grandpa used to tell me that all the time but he said it while telling me how smart I was. Which I know for sure isn’t true so I had a hard time believing the beautiful thing too. I think Steve might have told me one time I was beautiful but other than that I have never heard those words from anyone. Maybe my dad would have told me that had he lived longer. I will never know. Lost in thought my phone buzzed again.
Cal: I am sorry, was that too forward? I see that you read it but you haven’t responded. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, but looking at the pictures, it is the first thing that came to mind.
Me: Thank you Cal. If I am honest, it took me off guard but only because it is the first time anyone, other than my grandpa, has told me that.
Cal: WTF? Seriously? Does that mean you haven’t ever had a boyfriend?
Me: Does Logan Ross from seventh grade count? Haha.
Cal: Is it wrong that I can’t stop smiling?
Me: Let me see.
He sends me a selfie. It is hard to tell where he is but it is easy to see he is topless.
Me: Nice you’re topless. Lol.
Cal: Not nearly as exciting as it would be to see you topless.
I didn’t respond. Instantly self-conscious of my practically flat chest. Often times I wonder why I even wear a bra.
Cal: Did I do it again? I’m sorry if I am being to forward. You’re the first girl I have ever had as a friend, other than Hannah.
No fucking way. I know that is total bullshit. I almost want to drop my phone and forget this whole conversation. This sucks, just when I start to think he might like me he says that. I’m stuck trying to determine if he is lying about girls or if he just put me in the friend category before even giving me the opportunity to respond to his topless comment. My experience with Logan Ross is not helping me out here. Before I can determine what to do my phone rings...I can’t ignore it.
I answered the phone I as climbed out of bed, “Hi Cal.”
“Sierra, I’m so sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I wasn’t trying to be a total douche.” I got re-dressed while listening to him, I didn’t want to wake Hannah up so I decided to take the phone call out into the hall.
“I’m sorry, if you give me just a minute I can talk better.” I figured he could hear me moving about and would understand what I was doing.
“Am I interrupting something? You can call me back if you want. I really just wanted to explain myself before you totally dismiss me as a douche.”
Closing our door quietly, I made my way over to the window bench across from our room. “Okay, now I can talk better. I’m sorry I didn’t want to talk in there while Hannah is sleeping. I had to get dressed so I could sit on the window bench outside our room. Cal, before you start; you don’t have to explain anything to me. It’s fine, really.”
“Sierra I do need to explain. First of all, I want you to know that I have been off kilter all day. Hanging out with you last night was the first time I have ever hung out with a girl, other than Hannah, and had absolutely nothing sexual happen. I hate admitting that because on one hand I am trying to tell you I am not a total douche when on the other hand I’m telling you the exact opposite. Now, before you go thinking anything negative about yourself, let me add that I would have loved to spend all night naked with you. Two reasons that couldn’t happen: my sister was sleeping right next to us and you deserve better than that.”
I am shocked silent. I have nothing to say. I wondered for a brief second if I could hang up and pretend the connection went bad. Did he ask me a question? Is he waiting for a response? Lamely I finally respond, “Okay.”
He chuckled. “Babe you are so fucking cute. I wish I was still there so we could be having this conversation face to face. I want to ask you some questions but I don’t want you to think I am being too forward.”
“It’s fine, you can ask me. If they are embarrassing questions, it’s probably better you ask them while we are on the phone.” I held my breath and waited for him to ask his questions.
“Did you have any free time to fool around in high school? Did you ever party?”
“No time to do either. High School parties wouldn’t have been my scene even if I had time. Despite the fact that Curtis and Steve were two years older, they did a good job of scaring the shit out of the guys at my school. I was officially off limits. Not that it mattered much considering I ended up spending most of my time trying to maintain the house and take care of my grandpa.” Wow twice in as many days I am talking about how hard it was to take care of grandpa. “I am sorry, I shouldn’t complain. If it weren’t for my grandma and him, life would have sucked really bad when we lost our parents and Sophia.”
“Honey do not ever apologize for how you feel. I don’t know if Steve told you that he asked to see me today before I left town. He doesn’t want Hannah to know we talked, which means I probably shouldn’t be telling you.” He paused and I could hear him suck in a huge breath before he continued. “I don’t want to pretend with you. I know Steve was only thinking about Hannah when he told me everything that happened with your family. I respect the hell out of him for telling me everything. That being said, I need you to know that I had the hardest time leaving town. I wanted to see you again and hug you and hold you and tell you how sorry I am that life has been so crappy for you. If there was anything I could do to change it for you, I would.”
“Thank you. I mean that. I haven’t ever had anyone other than my brothers to talk to about the shit hand we were dealt. I spent all of last year trying to do the best I could, but it wasn’t enough.” And just like that, tears are rolling down my face. I am sure he thinks I am just a fucking crybaby. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to cry but just like last night it’s the first time I have talked about it with anyone.”
He was quick to reassure me, “I’ll say it again Babe, don’t ever apologize for how you feel. I am surprising myself here by telling you that your tears don’t bother me. I only wish I was there to hold you through them. Do you have early classes tomorrow? Do you need to get some sleep? I don’t want to be the reason you fall asleep in class tomorrow.”
His kindness makes me smile. “I do have an early class tomorrow. I wish I didn’t but I do. Thank you Cal. I really do appreciate you listening to me. And just so you know, your questions weren’t too forward.”
“Of course you would tell me that right as we are hanging up. I’ll see you next weekend. I hope you have a good week Honey.”
“You too Cal. You too.” With that I hung up. I didn’t move to go back into my room for a few minutes. I was stuck in thought, thinking about my brothers. It was obvious, even before Cal told me about Steve talking to him, that Steve has set his sights on Hannah. It is also obvious that Curtis is struggling to find his place. Things are changing, I can feel it, but I have no control over the changes and that is scary for me. The vibration of my phone pulls me from the overwhelming thoughts.
Cal: Good night Babe. See you Friday.