Somehow, even when he’s not with me, he still gets me off. I don’t know how he does it, but everything about Declan drives me absolutely insane.

Mornings in my house are chaos. Controlled chaos, but still. “Having fun?” I ask as Felix attacks his breakfast.

“Fun!” He shakes his fists and I can’t help but smile. I make sure his bib is tucked in, because I don’t have time to change him into something else before he goes to daycare. Marta should be here soon to take him.

I pour myself a cup of coffee and unpeel a banana. This is basically all I have time for. I can’t imagine how moms do it with more than one kid. I love Felix, but little boys can be difficult sometimes. I can’t imagine what it would be like with more than one of him.

Just as I’m about to take a bite, Felix makes a face and knocks his cup onto the floor.

“Felix,” I say sternly. “You know you can’t do that.”

“Fun!” he says again.

I sigh and pick up his cup. “If you knock it over again, I’m taking it away.”

He gives me a pouty look and I know he might cry, but I can’t give in to him. I step back over to the counter, sipping my coffee and checking the time on the stove.

Declan should be getting back soon. He texted me when he was getting on his flight, a private plane actually. Must be pretty nice, doesn’t have to worry about being packed into coach with eighty other people for ten hours or however long it takes to fly to London.

I’m strangely excited to see him again. We texted the whole time he was there, and only spoke on the phone that one time, though we weren’t exactly having a conversation. I can’t believe I had phone sex, to be totally honest. I always thought it would be too awkward to be hot, but nothing’s awkward with Declan. Not when it comes to sex. With him that felt totally natural and normal, and I just fell into it without a second thought.

I go to bite my banana, but there’s a knock at the door. I sigh and put it down, hurrying to answer it. I assume it’s going to be Marta, here a little early, but instead it’s some kid with a bike helmet.

“Delivery for you,” he says, and I realize he’s a courier.

“Oh, thanks.”

He hands me his scanner to sign and then gives me the package. It’s about two feet long, maybe five inches across, though it doesn’t weigh all that much. There’s no address or anything on it, but the box is jet black with a gold ribbon, and I know it has to be from Declan.

I go back into the kitchen just as Felix knocks his cup over again.

“Felix!”

He laughs and I take his cup away, putting it on the counter. I clean up his breakfast, wiping his face down, and get him out of his highchair. I put him in the living room where I can see him, and finally I get to take a bite of my banana.

All thoughts of the package are gone from my mind. Sara calls me just a second later, and although I don’t want to answer, I know I have to.

“Judge agreed to our motion,” she says triumphantly. “Just now.”

“Really?” I glance at the clock. “It’s so early.”

“Apparently this judge works weird hours.”

“Great news either way, right?”

“Right,” I say, grinning. Declan isn’t going to be happy with this. His lawyers were trying to move the case to a different distract, but we filed a motion to block that, and apparently we won. They were claiming that our current district would favor our case, since it’s all local. It’s not a bad move, but apparently the judge disagreed.

“What next?” I ask her.

“Well, it looks like this is going to trial. So we’re prepping for that while setting up some contingency plans.”

“Perfect,” I say. “Send the files over to my office and I’ll get to work.”

“You’re on court duty,” she says. “So polish up on your skills.”

I grin to myself. I haven’t actually tried a case in front of a jury yet. Most of my work happens outside of the courtroom, so I’m excited for this.

“Thanks, Sara,” I say.

“No problem. You’re gonna love it.”

“I’m sure I will.”

“Shit, I gotta go. Subway’s here. See you soon.”

“See ya.”

I hang up the phone, smiling to myself. That’s really good news. The case against Declan and Reid is actually pretty good, although they do have an incredibly high-powered legal team on their side. I can’t underestimate them.

I turn to check on Felix and I pause in my tracks. The box Declan sent is gone from the coffee table where I dropped it on my way to the kitchen. Felix is kneeling down in front of it, pulling the lid off.

“Felix,” I say, walking over to him.

He looks up at me with a big smile as he pulls a huge, thick, black dildo out of the box.

I stare at it for a second. The veins are so realistic, and it’s thick, really thick. Basically the size of Felix’s arm. He laughs and waves it around.

“Sword!” he says, though I have no clue where he learned that word.

“Felix!” I rush over to him and bend over to grab the dildo. “That’s not for you. That’s for mommy.”

Just as I’m leaning down to take it, the front door opens up. Marta steps in and looks over just as I’m grabbing the dildo from Felix’s hands.

She stares and I stare back. Our gazes meet and for a second, I’m terrified she’s going to call social services.

“It’s not what you think,” I say to her.

A smile breaks across her lips. “Did he get into something he shouldn’t have?”

“Yes,” I say. “You opened mommy’s box without asking, didn’t you?”

“Yes,” he says, gleeful.

I shove the dildo back into its place and close the lid. I’m bright red, so freaking embarrassed I can barely breathe, although Felix seems totally delighted. I toss the box onto the kitchen table and turn back to Marta.

She meets me in the kitchen, eyebrows raised. “That was, uh, a gift from a friend,” I say quickly. “A stupid joke.”

She grins at me. “I had one just like it when I was younger,” she says. “Mine’s smaller now, though.”

I gape at her and burst out laughing nervously. She smiles and shrugs at me before turning back to Felix.

“Time to go, yes, little man?”

“Yes,” he cries out, hopping to his feet.

I eat my banana and finish my coffee as Marta gets him ready. I want to run upstairs and hide under my bed but that would just be worse. I have to face this thing head on and get over it.

“Bye, lovely,” I say, kissing Felix.

“Bye, mommy.”

Marta winks at me as she walks out with Felix.

I stare at the empty room for a second before going over to the box and tossing open the lid again. The dildo is still there, nestled in some tissue paper. There’s a card taped to the top of the lid. I pull it off and open it up.

Tea, you wanted to know how far we can take this. Here’s something to get you started. Declan.

I read the note twice before staring at the dildo.

“What the hell are you thinking?” I say out loud to myself, hefting the dildo up into my hands. It’s thick and long, probably the biggest cock I’ve ever touched. I’m not even sure this would fit inside of me, let alone be able to get me off.

As I’m staring at it, my phone buzzes. I pick it up absently and glance at the screen, one eye still on the dildo, until I realize that it’s Declan.

“I’m home,” the text says.

I type back. “I got your present.”

“I know,” he says. “I made sure you got it this morning.”

“Felix found it,” I tell him. “You pretty much can’t send me a box without him trying to open it.”

There’s a short pause and I wonder if I’ve finally scared him off. I’m sure he didn’t anticipate getting involved with a woman and her kid. Declan doesn’t strike me as the kind of guy that’s good with children, let alone interested in them at all.

“I’ll have to be more careful,” he says finally. “That didn’t occur to me.”

“It’s okay. I’m sure you’re not used to having kids around.”

“No, I’m not,” he admits. “But that doesn’t mean I’m not okay with it.”

I bite my lower lip. “You don’t have to say that.”

“I know I don’t.”

I stare at my phone for another second, my mind racing. “I have to get to work,” I type. “I’ll talk to you soon.”

I slip my phone into my bag and quickly get my things together. I run the dildo in its box upstairs into my room and slide it under my bed. I’m out the door a few minutes later, running a little behind.

The whole commute to work, I just keep thinking about Declan and his texts. He doesn’t mind kids, he says, although I don’t know what he actually thinks this is. If I’m just a fuck buddy then why would kids matter at all? He wouldn’t see Felix anyway.

Although he is Felix’s father, which makes it so much more complicated. This whole thing is a tangled messy web, and I’m afraid that I’m getting too deep into it. If I keep going out with him, what am I going to do about Felix? I mean, I can’t keep lying to him. I can’t keep pretending like he isn’t his father.

I want to keep going out with Declan. I want to spend more time with him, be with him. I want to know what he was going to make me do with that dildo. I want to hear him say the words to me as I slide it deep between my legs.

But if I want to keep doing that, if I want to take this thing further, I owe him the truth. I have to tell him about Felix sooner or later. I don’t know how he’ll react. Maybe he’ll run away and that’ll be the end of this, but at least I’ll know. I’ll lose whatever we’re building, but this lie that’s been hanging over my head will be gone.

I don’t know what I’ll do it. But I know it has to be soon.