Sometimes, the morning just fades into afternoon, and suddenly the day is gone.

I put my hands flat on my desk, surprised that my phone says it’s after five already. Felix is with Marta again, but I feel guilty for not being there. I feel guilty for a lot of things.

I lean back and sigh. I close my eyes and I can see Declan standing there at my door, completely out of nowhere, with a present for Felix. I almost told him, right then and there. I almost spilled it.

But something in his expression made me stop short. I don’t know what it was, but it pushed me away, made me clam up. I’m afraid, if I’m being honest with myself. I’m terrified of how he’ll respond.

I’ve been holding this secret in for so long now that I don’t know how to give it a voice. I don’t know how to tell him. If I just say the words, he might not understand. He might disappear from my life and right now, I don’t think I can handle that.

He’s the best thing happening to me. Really he’s the best thing in a long time.

He deserves to know. I need to tell him, and the longer I wait, the worse it gets. The more attached I become, the harder it’s going to be when he gets so angry that he leaves me forever.

Do I really think he’d walk away from his son? Or maybe even dump me and fight for custody of Felix in court? I can’t imagine he’d try and take my son away. I don’t know. I don’t think so, but he didn’t ask for this. He wasn’t ever given the choice. But maybe the same can be said for keeping this from him. I’m not giving him the chance to have a son by not telling him the truth.

My head keeps running circles around this problem, over and over again, but I don’t have any extra space for it. I don’t have a single second to spare right now, not with the case getting more intense. After that hearing, Jerry basically doubled our already-taxing workload. I can’t complain, but it’s still burying me, and I feel like I’m never going to catch up with any of this.

I have to, though. I can’t just give up. Felix depends on me. And then there’s Declan. I don’t know what he’d think if I screwed all this up. He might be happy that they won their case, but I doubt it. I think he’d be disappointed in me.

I don’t know why all roads keep leading back to him for me right now. Everything I say and do has some connection to him, some gossamer thread running tight between me and him, keeping me in his orbit, dragging me along behind him.

He texts me, but we don’t meet up, and he doesn’t bring over any more surprises. I think he’s busy at work, and I know I definitely need to concentrate on what I’m doing. The week drags past this way, texts and phone calls snuck between tasks. He travels to Canada on Thursday, and the texts slow down, but they don’t stop.

I don’t see him all weekend. I’m starting to feel like an addict, Jonesing for my next fix, but he’s my drug. His smile, his muscular body, the way he bites my lower lip, the way he slides his hands down my body like he can’t get enough of my curves, the way he laughs at my jokes like I’m the funniest person alive, it all makes me feel so incredibly good that I can barely describe it. I want more of him, more and more of him, but I know everything between us is a ticking time bomb.

So while he’s away, I concentrate on myself. I do my job, work hard at it, and I spend as much time with Felix as I can. Although seeing Felix is like seeing Declan, or at least a smaller version of him. Declan’s features are there in Felix, very much alive, and I’m starting to see them more and more.

I take Felix to the park. I take him to the museum. I take him to the zoo. I spend all my time with him over the weekend, and I barely think about Declan. I barely wonder what he’s thinking, who he’s with, what he’s feeling, if he misses me the same way I miss him.

Monday rolls around. “So, you haven’t mentioned… him yet.” Sara raises an eyebrow at me.

I shrug a little and take a bite of my salad. “He’s away on business.”

“Business, huh?” She grins at me.

“Yes, business.” Sometimes I regret telling her about Declan. On the one hand, she totally gets it. But as this trial drags on, I can feel some resentment starting to form.

“Sometimes I wish you’d just get him to drop this whole thing. You know?” She laughs a little, but it’s hollow. “Like, use your feminine wiles. Seduce him.”

I glance away. “You know this isn’t his thing.”

“I know, I’m just kidding.” She laughs casually but I know it’s forced.

“Really, Sara, it’s not him. It’s his partner.”

“Does that make it better?” She cocks her head, suddenly getting serious. “His company does things to the environment that we’re actively working against.”

“I know that,” I admit. “It’s something I have on my mind.”

“So what are you doing about it? You like him obviously, but is that enough?”

“I don’t know,” I admit. “We haven’t talked about it. We’ve been keeping business out of our relationship.”

“Business is always personal,” she says, shaking her head. “People trying to pretend like it isn’t are just using that as an excuse to do really shitty things.”

“Maybe you’re right.” I lean back and look into her eyes. “But why does his job have to be inherently bad?”

“Because they’re doing bad things.”

“Like what? Building stuff? They’re not polluting the earth or something. They’re just developers.”

“They’re building on spaces that should be preserved for everyone. They’re stripping away nature.” She sighs and leans back. “You know all this.”

“I guess my point is, not everything is so simple and easy.”

“I guess not.”

We fall into a strained silence, and although I manage to change the subject, that argument still hovers in the air between us.

The frustrating thing is, I don’t really disagree with her. But I don’t think Declan is bad anyway. He’s making a living doing something he’s good at, and I don’t think he intends to hurt the environment in any way. It’s just a byproduct of his business. I can help steer him away from that, show him other ways to be productive and to make money while still living within the bounds of nature. He doesn’t have to bulldoze the wetlands to build a mixed-use tower.

I know Sara’s just stressed. I can’t blame her. This week is already a nightmare, with Jerry working us hard. We submitted some requests for special witnesses, professionals in our field that can speak to the impacts of building on that space. But as soon as we did, the opposition’s lawyers had something to say.

Tuesday morning, Sara storms into my office. “Did you hear?”

I shake my head. “I just got in.”

“The fuckers got our witnesses thrown out.”

“What? All of them?”

“Bias, or some other shit. Can you fucking believe that? It’s absurd, they dug up a bunch of shady dirt on these guys, slandered them, fucked with their careers. What kind of people would do that just to win a case?”

Sure enough, Sara’s right. I find an email at the top of my inbox detailing everything. She heads back to her desk and my anger just starts growing.

I can’t believe they did this. Our witnesses are good people, but the opposition dug up a bunch of bullshit dirt from their pasts just to smear them and get them thrown out. Their testimony is important to our case, but the judge doesn’t care about that, he just cares about the reliability of the witnesses and the sanctity of his courtroom.

Fuck his courtroom. And fuck this case.

I’m livid when my phone vibrates. “I’m home.”

It’s from Declan. “Are you back at your place?” I send him.

“Yes, I am. Good to be back. Can’t wait to see you.”

I stare at my phone and make a snap decision. I stand up, grab my things, toss my phone in my bag, and storm out of my office.

Maybe Sara’s right. Maybe I can do more. And right now, I’m just angry enough to try.