The whisky is smooth and mellow as I swirl it around in my glass, the ice making small waves in the brown. The bar is dimly lit and quiet, something I like in a bar. There’s a jukebox in the back spouting some kind of old Blues nonsense, but I’m barely listening.

I’m nervous. It’s not easy to admit. I hate feeling fucking nervous, and I have no reason to feel this way, but I do. I haven’t seen Chad in five or six years, although not because of some falling out. He’s seven years older than me and a blue collar family man, so basically the complete opposite of me. We just aren’t that close, although there’s never been a real specific reason for that.

I sip my whisky again and sit up straight as I spot him stepping through the door. He nods at me as he approaches, and memories come flooding back.

Chad looks more like Dad every time I see him, which shouldn’t be surprising. He’s my half brother, and we share the same father, although different mothers. Most people wouldn’t know that we’re brothers, mostly because of the age difference and the different mothers, but still. There’s a resemblance, maybe in the way he walks. Chad’s fit for an older man, gray hair cut close, sparkling blue eyes just like mine.

I stand up and we shake hands. “Declan, nice to see you.”

“You too. Drink?”

He nods at the bartender. “Lager, please.”

We sit down next to each other. “How long’s it been?” I ask him.

“Years,” he says, shrugging. “Not sure how long, exactly. I’m surprised you called, to be honest.”

“Well, I was in the neighborhood.”

He laughs. Chad lives a half hour outside of the city, out in the suburbs. We’re in a bar near him.

“You’ve been in the neighborhood for a long time, Declan.”

“Sure, well, I haven’t seen my phone ringing either.”

“Fair enough.” His beer arrives and he places cash down on the bar. I always try to pay for him, but he never lets me, or at least that was how it used to be. Guess things never change.

“So what can I do for you?” he asks.

“What, a guy can’t just want to see his brother?”

He grins at me. “Come on, Declan. If you just wanted a friendly chat, we’d have done that over the phone. No, you want something.”

I hesitate a second. He’s right, I do want something, but I don’t think it’s what he’s expecting. “I actually… I wanted to ask you about something.”

He nods. “All right. Go ahead.”

Chad is a handy guy. Always has been. From what I can tell, he basically built his whole house himself. Bought it cheap and improved it, nail by nail. He’s the kind of guy that can fix just about anything, and on top of that, he has a pretty wife and three kids.

He’s more like our father than I ever will be, which is fine. I never loved my father much, and my father never cared much for me. He always preferred Chad, although my mother always hated Chad’s existence. Chad was always proof that my father had a life before my mother, and I think that rubbed her wrong. But Chad’s mother died when Chad was nine, and so my father got custody. It was weird, growing up with a brother so much older than me, although I don’t remember when he first came to live with us.

“I want to ask you about… being a father.”

Chad looks surprised. “What did you do, get a girl pregnant?”

I nod. “Three years ago, actually. Didn’t find out until now.”

“Damn,” he says softly. “That’s one hell of a break.”

“I like the girl, though. Maybe more than like her. I want to be with her. But she hasn’t admitted that her son is mine.”

“How do you know he is, then?”

“Hired a private detective,” I admit. “He did some research and… well, he’s mine.”

Chad nods, not giving anything away. “So now you’re wondering what the hell to do, and you wanted to ask me.”

I shrug. “Seems stupid, I know.”

He sighs, the sort of sound a man used to working long, late hours can make. “No, not really. We turn to family in times like these. Shit, Declan, I wish I could help.”

“How did you know?” I ask him. “I mean, that you wanted to be a father.”

“I didn’t know for sure,” he admits. “But I wanted a family. So we made one, and I became a dad gradually.”

“What do you mean?”

He takes a long drink and looks at me. “Here’s the thing they don’t tell you, Declan. With women, all these hormones and shit course through them, making them love that baby more than life itself. But for us? We have to learn to love.”

I narrow my eyes. “What do you mean?”

“It’s not automatic. Oh, don’t get me wrong, you love your kid, of course, but… that intense, undying, incredible sort of love a parent has for their child doesn’t just appear for us. We have to earn it.”

“How?” I ask him softly.

“Hard work,” he admits. “Changing the baby, burping it, letting it scream in your face, letting it shit on you, piss on you, smile at you, laugh with you. Teaching it until one day, your child is a real living person and you realize how much you love it.”

I watch him closely and for a second, I can see that. I can see myself with Felix when he was small, changing him and holding him. “My son’s two,” I say to him.

“So what?” He shrugs. “Like I said, you have to work. You have to put in the time. The feelings are there, you just have to grow them.”

This isn’t what I expected to hear, but it actually makes sense, and it’s strangely… comforting. When I found out that Felix is my son, I didn’t understand why I didn’t have an instant and intense love for him. I thought that just automatically happened with parents. But this makes sense to me. This gives me hope.

“That’s what it means to be a father,” Chad says, finishing his beer. “You put in the work. You give a shit.” He shrugs at me, looking at his glass. “Everything else comes in its own time.”

* * *

I ring Teagan’s doorbell and wait.

I know she’s home. I let her know that I’d be stopping by, although I didn’t say why. I just told her that I wanted to see her, and that I had a surprise for her.

She answers the door a few seconds later, a smile on her face. “Hi, Declan.” She looks at my hands, raising an eyebrow. “What’s that?”

I hold up a Lego Star Wars set. “I can’t stay. I just wanted to drop this off.”

“Legos?” She laughs as I hand them to her.

“For Felix.”

The laughter slowly fades. “Oh,” she says, clearly surprised.

“I know it’s out of the blue. I was just thinking of you and him, and I realize that I’ve never given him a gift, although I’ve given you plenty.”

“You don’t have to do that,” she says softly.

“I want to. I’m a part of your life now, aren’t I?”

She nods after a second. “Yeah. You are.”

“Good. I think that might be a little old for him, but he’ll love it when he’s ready.”

She smiles at me. “This is really sweet. Do you want to come in, give it to him yourself?”

I hesitate. “No, I don’t think so. Maybe some other time.”

“Okay.” She smiles and gets up on her tiptoes, kissing me. “Thanks, Declan.”

I pull her against me, kissing her deeper. “You’re welcome.”

“When am I seeing you again?”

“Soon,” I say. “Don’t be too impatient.”

“I’m always impatient for you,” she whispers, sending a thrill down my spine.

I kiss her again before turning away. I walk quickly down her stoop and get into the back of my car. I tell Andrey to head back home, and I watch as Teagan waves before heading back inside.

Part of me thinks I should have gone inside and seen Felix, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I know she’s probably wondering why the hell I just did that, but I don’t care. I’m taking it one step at a time. It’s okay if I don’t feel overwhelmed with emotions when I think about Felix.

I’m going to be a father to that boy whether Teagan knows it yet or not. And I’m going to put in the work, the effort, the time. The feelings will come after that, sooner or later.

I’m going to do right. Whatever that means.