As soon as we get into Lacey's car, she turns on the radio. It's playing some familiar song, one I've heard a million times.

The chorus is this string of words that used to mean something.

The riff is heavy and the singer's voice is that mumble of grunge.

I know this song.

Everyone knows this song.

It's supposed to make me feel something. At the very least, it's supposed to make me feel that tiny comfort of familiarity.

But it doesn't.

The next song is worse. The notes don't even make it to my ears.

Lacey keeps most of her attention on the road. Every minute or two, she looks to me. Concern fills her brown eyes.

I catch her staring.

She forces an it's going to be okay smile.

I sink back into my seat.

It goes like that for the entire drive. Even as we park in front of her apartment complex.

She keeps her eyes on the spot in front of her. "Did you want to stop somewhere? Pick anything up?"

I shake my head.

"Are you hungry or thirsty or anything? I have a few snacks, but my selection is pretty minimal."

"No."

"Okay." She turns off the ignition and plays with her keychain. Slowly, she undoes her seat belt and gets out of the car.

I wait until her door slams shut to slide off my seat belt and step out of the car. I'm moving half speed. I don't know why. I know what's going on but not how to handle it.

This isn't how it's supposed to go.

Lacey takes my hand and leads me up the stone steps. Her palm is soft. Warm. She's not bouncy or bubbly or effervescent right now. She isn't bursting with passion the way she is when she's talking about movies or music.

I'm tempted to ask her some random question about the video. I need a taste of her enthusiasm. I need the jolt of her smile to wake up my heart and get my blood pumping through my veins.

But then I can't take the possibility that it will fail. What if she manages to muster up that enthusiasm and I still feel this lifeless?

She unlocks the door and pulls it open for me. "After you." Her voice is soft, but I can't make out any other inflection.

I step inside the apartment.

She follows, locking the door behind us.

Her eyes go to mine. They're still wide with concern. "I'm sorry, Mal." She drops her keys and purse on her desk and takes a step towards me.

Slowly, she wraps her arms around me.

It's more than a hug, more than an embrace. It's like she's holding me up. Like she's holding me together.

That isn't right.

I hold me together.

I can't let someone else do it.

I can't let anyone else get close enough to tear my heart out again and again.

I…

I can't do anything but pull her closer.

"You were so happy when you said your parents would be back, and now this…" She rests her head against my chest. She runs her fingers over my back, pressing the soft fabric of my shirt into my skin. "Is there anything I can do?"

"No." My voice is a whisper. It's not like me.

This whole fucking thing… it's not like me.

Lacey looks up at me. "You want a drink? I think I have some tequila somewhere. And I have tea. Chamomile might be good. It's soothing. Or… just water." She doesn't wait for a response. She breaks out of the embrace, moves to the kitchen, and pours two glasses of water.

Her hands are shaking.

Even now, I want to soothe her a million times more than I want her soothing me.

She steps out of her heels and kicks them to the corner. Her eyes follow the shoes, even as she turns and hands me the water.

It's a tiny apartment. There isn't much room for space between us, but it's still there.

No, that's how it's supposed to be. How it always is. Violet was right at dinner. I don't invite women into my life. I don't want intimacy beyond a fuck. Even tying someone up is too much a lot of the time.

But this… I don't like the space between me and Lacey.

I don't like that I don't like it.

I bring the glass to my lips and down half of it.

Lacey drinks slowly. Her eyes flit from the ground to me. "I want to help, Mal. Tell me something I can do to help. Anything."

"You are."

"Yeah?"

I nod. She is and that's nearly as terrifying as the rest of this. I down what remains of my water and set my glass on the counter.

Lacey does the same.

She places her body behind mine and wraps her arms around my waist. Her chin nudges against my upper back. "My shower is a little small, but we can make it work."

I should push away from that kind of intimacy, but I don't. I nod.

She lets out a tiny sigh of pleasure. "I get to strip you out of your nice clothes."

I turn around so we're face to face. "Is it that exciting?"

She looks up at me with a nod. "Yeah." She slides her hands up my tie and undoes the knot. "You look like such a nice boy in this suit."

"Boy?"

"Man." She pulls my tie from my collar and wraps it around her wrist. "It's hard to explain. You wear that suit. You could easily step into some office and assume the role of boss. But you're Mal—"

"The rock god?"

"Yes, but that's not the first thing I think." She tosses my tie on the bed then undoes the top button of my shirt. Her fingers skim the bare skin of my chest. "You're Mal… my… whatever I should call this." Her eyes fix on mine. "I'm not good with words."

"I get what you mean." I run my fingers through her hair as she works her way down my torso. It feels good, her hands on my skin. Better than it has any right to feel, given our relationship, given the circumstances.

She undoes my belt and pulls it from my slacks. That too, she tosses on the bed.

I shrug off my shirt and step out of my shoes.

She unbuttons my slacks and watches them fall to my feet. Her fingers skim the edges of my boxers. She presses her foot against the ankle of my dress socks. "Just the way I like my men, in socks and underwear."

"It's a sexy look."

"It helps that it's you." Her eyelids flutter together as she rises to her tip toes and presses her lips to mine.

She tastes good and I can feel all this affection pouring from her lips. She presses her hips against mine. It's a soft gesture. An I'm here, not an I need you tearing off my clothes right now.

It's different.

Good.

She pulls back with a sigh and motions to the bathroom door.

I drag my fingertips over the bare skin of her shoulders until I reach the straps of her black dress. I do it again and again, until she's purring. I'm not in any state to issue orders, but I can bring Lacey pleasure.

That makes sense.

I push her strap off her right shoulder. Then the left. She turns around so I can pull her zipper down her back. My fingers trace its line. They draw lazy circles down her spine then back up again.

She lets out a soft sigh as she leans into my touch.

Things click into place as I pull her dress all the way to her toes. As I run my hands over the sides of her calves, her thighs, her hips, her sides.

She sheds her bra and panties.

I peel off my socks and step out of my boxers.

She takes my hand and leads me into the bathroom. It's a small room with a smaller shower. Barely big enough for both of us, but I don't care.

Lacey leans over the tub's railing to run the water. Once it's right, she steps into the shower and motions come here.

I step into the tiny space with her and pull the curtain closed.

There's still concern in her dark eyes. Even as she throws her head back to rinse her hair. Even as she slides her hands up my chest and brings her body into mine.

She leans in to whisper in my ear, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Yeah." I don't mean to say it, but I do. The words don't dissolve into the running water. They hang between us. Not heavy or light but the exact density of the air. "I knew… when I picked my mom up at the airport, I knew something was wrong."

"You looked worried at dinner." She digs her fingers into my chest. "You do get nervous."

I nod.

She moves closer. "My parents… we aren't close. My mom was manipulative. She did whatever it took to get her way. She still does. And my dad still falls for it. I love them both, but I don't really want to be around them."

"I get that."

"Even so, if one of them was sick… Sorry, I can't be helping, reminding you of that again and again."

"You are."

"I… I guess nobody is good at these situations."

I nod.

"Here. Let me do this, at least." She swaps positions with me so I can rinse my hair. Then she's rising to her tiptoes to run shampoo through my hair.

Her fingers dig into my scalp.

I lean back to rinse my hair then Lacey does the same with conditioner. She takes her time soaping every inch of my skin. She explores my body with her fingers. The heat of her touch makes my skin burn but it's more than sexual.

It's soft.

Intimate.

Loving.

When her lips brush mine again, I know. This is how it always goes. No matter how hard I try, I make a misstep somewhere, and I convince a woman to fall in love with me.

Only, I don't feel that dread I usually do.

My thoughts don't immediately jump to the best way to let her down gently.

Lacey may not love me yet, but it's going that way.

And I want that.

I want her.

Even if it's terrifying.

I can't whisper sweet nothings in her ear. I can't even make sense of the thoughts swirling around my head.

My tongue dances with hers. One hand goes to her hips. The other goes to her breast and plays with her nipple.

She groans back into my mouth.

She bucks her hips against mine.

I drag my fingertips over her stomach and below her belly button.

The pad of my thumb brushes against her clit.

She nips at my lip.

This feels right. I'm in charge of her pleasure. That's something. Some tiny way the world can make sense.

I stroke her as I kiss her. I should draw it out. I should torture her. But I need her groans against my skin.

I need to hear her come.

I make my touch harder. Faster.

Lacey's nails dig into my skin. She breaks from our kiss to stare back at me. Her brown eyes are wrecked with need.

And with affection.

"Fuck, Mal." Her eyelids flutter closed. Her legs shake as she rocks her hips.

I pin her to the wall to keep her upright. "I've got you, baby." I drag my lips over her neck and I stoke her until she's shaking.

Until she's groaning my name loud enough the neighbors are pounding against the wall.

Until she's raking her nails over my back as she comes on my hand.

She lets out a heavy breath. Takes a slow inhale. Her fingers trail their way up my back and neck. They dig at my hair.

Her lips hover over my ear. "Mal… I…"

I'm not ready for anything but Mal, I need you inside me. I bring my hands to her hips. "Turn around."

She does.

"Hands on the wall above you."

She lets out a soft moan as she drags her hands up the tile. Her ass presses against my cock as she shifts into position. Something in her posture changes to make her pliable.

She's offering her body to me.

That's all I can take from her.

It doesn't matter how badly I want more.

I bring my hands to her hips and pull her body onto mine. She shakes as my tip strains against her.

Slowly, I slide inside her.

Fuck, she feels good. Soft. Warm. Mine.

It's complicated. Messy. I can't dive into it. Not with everything swirling around my head.

I let my eyelids press together as I drive into her.

I push my thoughts away until the entire world is our bodies.

I keep one hand around her waist to hold her body against mine. I bring the other between her legs and I stroke her until she's groaning and panting like she feels so good she can't take it.

Fuck. She feels so good I can't take it.

This is something between fucking and making love. Something soft and intimate. Some experience I don't know but want very fucking badly.

I drive into her with slow, steady pumps.

I rub her with slow, steady strokes.

I get lost in the sounds of her groans and the pleasure spreading through my body.

She rocks her hips. Her ass rubs against my pelvis as she drives me deeper.

I sink my fingers into her hips. Fuck, she feels good.

She rocks harder.

I drive deeper.

Pleasure pushes out every other thought in my head. A few more thrusts and I'm there. My cock pulses as I come inside her.

I groan her name.

I hold her body against mine.

Once I've spilled every drop, I bring her upright and turn her around.

Lacey looks up at me, her brown eyes filled with that beautiful mix of desire and satisfaction.

I pin her to the wall and I kiss her.

My body fills with her affection.

Even as I slide my hand between her legs and stroke her to orgasm, I feel her affection more than I feel her desire.

And I crave every fucking drop of it.