Chapter 4

 

Two Days Later: Wednesday

 

Levi felt pretty good about himself. He'd spent the whole of yesterday talking to Mack and figuring out different aspects of their relationship. It had been two days since he officially became Mack's boyfriend and he couldn't have been happier. Now all he had to do was tell Tam. But he was sure that would go well. He had a feeling that Tam and Casen had been trying to push them together, but he wasn't going to call either of them on that fact, in case they thought he was ungrateful.

Right now, Mack was hanging out with Casen and he felt kind of lost. There was still so much they had to talk about and they'd already wasted years. He didn't want to waste another second.

Levi was pretending to watch a film, while staring at the ceiling, when the sound of a door closing caught his attention. If such a thing was possible, he stared at his bedroom door long enough to burn a hole through it. As soon as he saw the handle moving, he turned back to the TV, so that it wouldn't look like he'd been waiting eagerly for Mack to get back. Even though he had.

As he'd hoped, the door opened and his boyfriend walked in, wearing joggers and a thick jumper. He crossed to the bed, so Levi shuffled over to make room for him, trying not to make a show of his being there. He couldn't help but smile, though. It felt good to know that his first act after getting home from spending time with Casen was to change and then come looking for him.

Mack climbed on and lay on his back beside him, only for his head to slowly roll onto his shoulder.

Levi closed his eyes as he smelled the citrus shampoo in his hair; he'd gone for a shower after getting home. “Are you okay?” he asked quietly, sensing something was wrong, but not able to tell what without looking into Mack's expressive eyes.

Mack reached down to hold his hand. “This is why I don't have relationships,” he replied, in his own roundabout way. “I warned you that I'd be like this. I'm possessive, clingy and I can't control my temper,” he apologised, though he wasn't sure it was necessary. Or what he was apologising for.

Then he remembered; Mack's tone had been clipped when Levi asked where he and Casen were going. It was pure curiosity on his part, but he wondered if Mack had found the question stifling or perhaps possessive in some way? As though he had to answer to Levi before leaving their apartment?

He never wanted him to feel that way.

“I know and I love that about you. I didn't help; I was thoughtless. I didn't realise how it sounded, when I asked you. I should have known it came out all 'jealous boyfriend', which was wrong and completely unjustified.” Levi made his own apology and hoped it was good enough. Neither of them were good at this, but they were trying and that was the important part. “You were right, the other night. You've made every move forward in this relationship and I've let you,” he admitted, glad to feel Mack turning to snuggle in.

“There's something I didn't tell you,” he claimed, as Levi wrapped his arms around him. “This is the only thing that Casen and I are the same in,” he whispered, as if that was such a terrible secret to have kept.

“What?”

“Relationships. We want the same thing, we act the same way. That's why I don't have them. I hate being like this,” he confessed, sounding far too guilty for his liking.

Levi held Mack tighter. He had nothing to feel guilty about. So he'd blown a fuse and got mad; so what? Levi did it all the time.

“I'm sorry. I nearly outed us to Casen,” Mack whispered.

He couldn't help but laugh. “That's okay. I tried to call Tam just before you got back, but he didn't pick up,” Levi explained, hoping that it would help him understand. He felt guilty for never telling Tam about those few crushes he'd had on guys before. Tam was his best friend and he should have told him.

“He's not answering his phone because Casen went home early. I went for a run, before coming back. I guess he probably had time to get home, by then. Though, I wouldn't answer my phone either, if I were them,” Mack answered, surprising him.

“Why?”

“Because they're christening the new extension. I wouldn't want to be interrupted by my phone either,” he admitted, with a warmth that let Levi know he was calm now and open to discussing anything they still had to cover.

“Huh. Tam never told me.”

“Tam doesn't know.” Mack laughed, lifting his head to look up at him. “I helped Casen plan a big romantic dinner; he was like a jitterbug. He was fussing about stupid things, like what clothes to wear.” He smiled, winking at him in his usual cheeky way.

Levi considered that information. “Well, I'm sure Tam will be happy, whether they have sex or not. All he wanted was to give Casen a real library,” he said, allowing himself to share that secret with his boyfriend. He had to stop thinking of them as best friends and get real. Mack was his boyfriend and he was Mack's.

Mack nodded and put his head down on his shoulder again. “Thank you. For not being angry with me.”

“You know, you're different to before,” he noticed, though it wasn't a brand new revelation.

Mack shrugged, almost shyly.

“When was the last time you had a relationship like this?” Levi asked, trying to figure out a few things.

“Never,” he said.

“Any relationship?”

“Never,” Mack muttered, his voice growing quiet and unsure again. “I've called girls my girlfriend, but it's never been serious. I didn't hang out with them all the time or anything,” he admitted, only to fall silent.

Levi thought to himself for a moment, as he brushed his fingers through Mack's hair. “So you've never dated anyone you were comfortable with?” he guessed, beginning to see the light. This really was new to Mack; on a much bigger scale than it was for him. No wonder he'd freaked out a little and wanted to out them.

“I guess.” He sighed, making that admission grudgingly.

“You were different when we were just friends. Even when you flirted, you were confident and in charge. I always thought that if we got together you'd be the dominant force, but now I'm not sure,” he said, thinking aloud.

“Does that change how you feel?”

“No.” Levi let another comfortable silence take over the room. It was clear they both had a lot on their minds and he was still trying to work out how to teach Mack what a real relationship should be, when he'd never had one. The only genuine relationship, with give and take, love, trust and honesty that he'd ever witnessed was Tam and Casen's. Or even Tam's parents. But how did he explain that to Mack?

Mack sighed deeply. “Levi, I'm tired, okay. I've always had to be the strong, forceful one with Casen, because he's like a lost puppy all the time. I love that about him and so does Tam, but being the big brother and always being right and in charge is exhausting,” he confided, sounding a little scared.

“With you, as your friend, I could let go. We were just us, and you didn't need me to be anything other than me. That's why I got so comfortable with you. That's why, when I realised how you felt, I could see this being possible,” he explained, weariness deep in his voice. He'd held strong for too long and needed to let go or he would crumble. “But if you want me to be some dominating prick twenty-four hours a day, then I can't do it. I just want to be me and I might be crazy, jealous, stupid, possessive, and I might jump to the wrong conclusions all the time, but that's who I am. I'm insecure, and scared you'll change your mind about me once you see who I really am,” he finished, speaking from the heart. His words were strong in their own way, held together with conviction.

Levi could tell that if he pushed, even just a little, Mack would break apart in his hands. But that was okay too. “I already know who you really are, Mack. And I'm not going anywhere,” he promised, tilting Mack's head up to see that he had tears in his eyes.

Mack shook his head at himself and looked away, but Levi held him still and kissed him. His boyfriend closed his eyes, squeezing another tear out as he responded to the kiss.

“I'm all the same things you are,” Levi reassured him, keeping his voice low and quiet. “I'm insecure and scared you won't want me. I was jealous when you were talking to those girls; when you kissed that guy. I want you all to myself,” he whispered, as another tear fell.

Mack opened his eyes, looking so vulnerable in his arms. It was strangely attractive and it was nice to see his softer side. “Can we just–” he cleared his throat, “try?”

Levi nodded and brushed his tears away. “You know what I want?” he asked.

Mack shook his head again, looking beyond words at the moment.

“I want what Tam and Casen have. I want the kind of relationship where we can be best friends and boyfriends at the same time. Where it doesn't matter when, if or how we move forward, as long as we do so together,” he admitted.

Mack smiled and his eyes welled up all over again. “That's what I want.” He nodded his agreement. Then he laughed at himself and wiped his cheeks.

Levi helped, only because he looked so embarrassed.

“You can't tell Casen,” he warned, “but I've been really jealous of what they have. Even before I felt this for you, I wanted what they've got and I felt bad about it.”

“Don't feel bad. I want it too and I know Casen would understand,” Levi promised, letting his fingers caress Mack's cheekbone as he brushed his tears aside. Soon enough, he was good as new and managed to reign in his emotions.

Mack sniffed and shook off his feelings one final time, before clearing his throat. “Can we still have that movie day?” he asked, gazing up at him.

“Yeah. You wait here. I'll grab a bunch of films and make some popcorn,” he offered, hoping that would give him some time to calm down and realise this wasn't the disaster it first appeared.

Mack nodded his agreement instantly.

He got up off the bed and made his way to the door. Levi stopped, when he remembered something. “You still happy with the comic book films?”

Mack nodded again, so he left the room.

Levi couldn't believe it, but he had a feeling they'd just had their first 'couples' fight and survived. And even weirder was that he was glad they'd had this conversation. Now that everything was out in the open, they could move forward.