Chapter 20
Monroe
Another week was gone. I managed to survive a full two weeks without Stone. Other than the text he sent me the day of the grand opening, I heard nothing from him. And I didn’t see him. Maybe he told me what I had wanted to hear that night he left me. He said that he’d never forget me, but this didn’t feel like he hadn’t forgotten me.
I realized stuff like this happened all the time. People got together, spent time together, and relationships ended sometimes. Continuing to be a presence in each other’s lives after the fact didn’t make sense in many cases and, to be honest, I knew I wouldn’t have been able to handle that. Despite knowing this, it didn’t change the fact that my heart yearned to be with his.
The harsh reality was finally beginning to set in. Stone and I were over about as quickly as we started. My heart hurt, but now it also felt jilted. Feeling rejected can leave a sour taste in your mouth and I hated knowing that this experience had hardened a piece of my heart. I think in the process of getting over this I had moved on from feeling sad and depressed to abandoned and numb.
Regardless of how I was feeling about Stone, I had to put that aside because it was Saturday and I was going wedding dress shopping today with Charley, Nikki, and Emme. I was looking forward to spending the day with my best girls. The last time the four of us were together was at the grand opening, but that wasn’t time spent together. The last time I had that was the night I told Stone I loved him. They all had checked in on me individually over the course of the last two weeks, but it was going to be nice to finally have some time together with just them.
We were all meeting up at Charley and Wes’ place and from there the four of us would go together. Nikki and I were going to drive over together, but she ended up needing to stop in over at the salon early this morning. We decided to go separately.
I had just driven down the driveway to their home and parked. Zane’s truck was already parked outside as was Luke’s. My stomach started to feel a bit unsettled and it was at that moment I was thankful I hadn’t had breakfast.
Zane had become overly cautious and hated when Emme traveled anywhere alone. I understood it, so it wouldn’t have surprised me that he’d bring her here and drop her off. What I didn’t understand was Luke’s truck. Maybe the guys were going to be spending the day together today. On that thought, it occurred to me that Stone could have ridden with Luke.
Oh my God.
What was I going to do?
There was no way I could see him. I couldn’t handle it.
Maybe it was childish, but instead of going to the front door I pulled out my phone and sent Emme a text.
Hey Em. I just pulled in at Charley’s. Who’s here?
She responded almost immediately.
Me, Zane, Charley, Wes, and Luke. Why are you texting me from outside?
I let out a rush of air and tilted my head back on the headrest. I closed my eyes.
Stone wasn’t here.
My stomach twisted. I didn’t want to see him, but I was also a bit disappointed that I wouldn’t. What sense did that even make?
I opened my eyes and moved to get out. Then, I screamed.
My door opened and I yelled.
“Holy shit, Luke. You scared the crap out of me.”
He just smiled at me and said, “Sorry, babe. Emme said you were out here texting her instead of coming inside. Just figured I’d come out to make sure you were alright.”
I felt myself grow sad.
My voice was quiet when I offered, “I saw your truck and didn’t know why you were here. I didn’t know if he was with you.”
Luke shook his head and gave me information that I’m not sure I wanted to hear.
“I’m here because the guys and I are going riding today. Wes is going to hang out and have a good time since Charley is going to be with you girls, but Zane, Stone, and I are training for a contest we’ve got next weekend.”
My heart broke a little more and my eyes welled with tears. A single tear fell from each eye as I recalled, “He asked me to go to that contest.”
“I’m sorry, babe. If it makes you feel any better, I can tell you that you aren’t alone in your misery. He’s a disaster right now.”
My head jerked back and I asked, “What?”
“I’ve known the guy my entire life. He’s had a lot of rough moments, but the way he is now…fuck, he’s a mess. He’s training, but his concentration and focus is shit. He’s struggling to land anything.”
I didn’t know what to do with this information. I had no right to any information on Stone, but I pressed for it indirectly anyway.
“I’m not sure how that translates into him feeling the way I do about this whole situation, Luke. This is what he wanted.”
Luke laughed and divulged, “He might have put all this into motion, but I know he’s going to regret it. He’s holding on to bad shit and is letting that stand in the way of him having what he really wants. And, Monroe, trust me when I tell you that you are what he really wants.”
I swallowed hard at this news.
“I have to get out of here, Luke.”
He nodded, understanding my sense of urgency, and helped me out of the car.
“Let’s get your girls and get you out of here. Nikki should be here any minute.”
I stopped walking, looked up at him, and smiled.
“What?” he asked.
“I’m not going to get involved in what’s going on with you two since it seems you are both happy with your arrangement, but I like you for her. Long term.”
Luke gave me a warm smile that reached his eyes before he escorted me into the house.
A round of greetings later, Nikki walked in. It was then I suggested we get moving so we had a full day to find the perfect dress for Charley. I’m certain everyone knew that I was more concerned about Stone arriving while I was still there, but they didn’t call me on it. The four of us said good-bye to the guys, piled into Charley’s Jeep, and left.
Six hours later, Charley was standing in her wedding gown. She was exquisite. My beautiful best friend was finally getting goodness in her life after experiencing one heartbreaking tragedy after another. It was all thanks to Wes. He saw her, pursued her, and gave her what she needed.
Stability.
Family.
Love.
Lots of love.
With tears threatening to fall, I announced, “You are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, Charley. I’m so happy for you, babe.”
Charley didn’t hold back her tears when she admitted, “I don’t know how I’m here in this room with the three of you standing in the dress that I’m going to marry the man of my dreams in. How did this happen to me?”
Emme pulled her into a hug and explained, “Wes gave you the chance to see what you deserved. He knew you were worthy of so much more than you were giving yourself and made sure you got that. I love that he found you and gave this to you, sweets.”
“You’re impeccable, babe,” Nikki added. “Now that we’ve got the dress figured out, we need to get your wedding night attire situated.”
Charley bit her bottom lip and said, “I think that sounds like a fantastic idea.”
Just then, her cell phone rang. I dug it out of her purse, saw Wes’ name on the display, and handed it to her.
“Hey, honey,” she answered.
Silence.
“It’s going great. In fact, I’m standing in my wedding gown. I can’t believe I found it this quickly, but I put this one on and the girls all agree that it’s ‘the one.’ I hope you love it.”
Silence again.
I watched as Charley’s face went from excited as she was telling him about the dress to ecstasy as she listened to whatever Wes was saying to her. I loved that for her.
“Yeah, I have the dress, but we’re not done yet.”
Silence.
“Nikki reminded me that I need to get some stuff to wear for our wedding night, so I need a little more time. Then, I’d like to take the girls to dinner. Are you alright with that?”
She paused again listening to his response.
“I figured you wouldn’t mind me doing a little more shopping since that’s what I’m purchasing. Thanks, honey. Enjoy dinner with the boys. I’ll call you when we’re headed home. I love you.”
She waited while he, I’m assuming, told her he loved her and then she disconnected the call. I took the phone from her and put it back in her purse.
“Alright, ladies,” she began. “Time for some lingerie and then food.”
Not quite two hours later, we had gotten Charley’s wedding night apparel figured out, were seated in a booth at a restaurant, and we had just ordered our food.
“Okay, mama. We’ve focused on Charley all day today, but now it’s your turn,” Emme said.
“My turn?” I asked. “My turn for what?”
“What’s happening? You know, everything with you and Stone. How have you been? Have you heard from him?”
I shook my head and answered, “There’s nothing happening. He’s not reached out to me and I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’ve lost my first love. Sorry, Em, but you’d get more fun and exciting stories out of Nikki at this point.”
“Oh, don’t worry,” Charley started. “She’s next because we want details on what’s going on Luke, but we’re taking care of you first.”
“There’s nothing to share. He doesn’t want me and I’m beginning to accept that. It’s the reason I didn’t come in to the house earlier this morning. I was worried that he had ridden there with Luke. I can’t see him because I know it’s going to put me right back at square one.”
At that moment, I felt my purse vibrate next to my leg. I opened it up and pulled my phone out. After looking down at the screen and feeling my throat get tight, I revealed, “I lied. I haven’t heard from Stone since he texted the morning of the grand opening…that is, until now.”
“What?” Nikki said. “What did he say?”
“Need to see you. Tonight,” I answered.
I looked up at my friends. Their faces were littered with trepidation.
“What are you going to say to him?” Emme pressed.
My throat was tight and my belly was in knots when I whispered, “Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“I can’t. I’m hanging on now by a thread. A really frayed thread. I’ve accepted that he doesn’t want forever and that I won’t ever have that with him. I know he was honest with me about that from the beginning, but I can’t go through this again. I just can’t.”
Our food arrived and my plate was put in front of me.
A burger and fries.
It was the largest meal I would have consumed in the last two weeks and I simply stared at it.
I felt sick.
Stone made me a burger and fries. My birthday dinner with him. One of the best memories I had with him.
“Mama?” Nikki said from beside me.
I just looked up at her and broke down into tears. Nikki wrapped me up in her arms and held on tight. I didn’t need to ruin their dinner, so I struggled to pull myself together. When I pulled out of Nikki’s arms and dried my tears, I told them about burgers, fries, and milkshakes.
I didn’t eat my dinner.
And I never sent Stone a reply.
*****
Stone
I never thought that I’d ever in my life feel worse than I did fourteen years ago. If you had asked me as recently as two months ago, I’d have told you that there was no way I would ever feel worse than I did those days so many years ago. And yet, here I was feeling like absolute total fucking shit.
I had spent the last two weeks training for a snowboarding contest I had coming up next week and I couldn’t fucking concentrate. I was riding like shit.
Two weeks ago, I made the biggest mistake of my life. I ended what had barely started with Monroe. I stood in front of her and told her that I could no longer explore what was happening between us. While I ripped her heart to shreds, she stood in front of me and continued to tell me how much she loved me. She accepted what I told her needed to be because she was giving me what she thought and what I thought I wanted.
After all of that, though, she played that fucking song for me. A song that told me what she wanted from me before I left her. I probably shouldn’t have done it, but I’d never had someone as sweet as Monroe. The thought that I’d never have her again played in the back of my mind, so when she asked me to give her one more time together, I gave in.
And I savored it.
But with each slow thrust into her I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. When she cried and told me she was scared she’d forget me, my stomach twisted. Then she asked me if I’d forget her. As much as I now wished that I could so this wouldn’t hurt so fucking bad, it wasn’t fucking possible.
That woman was burned into me.
I missed every fucking thing about her.
Her smile when she was being goofy.
Her constant dancing.
Her pouty lips.
Her sexy legs.
Her sweet pussy.
But most of all, I missed the way she made me feel. The way she made me forget about the things that were the very reason I pushed her away.
I couldn’t get her off my mind; yet, I couldn’t seem to bring myself to fix what I had trashed. To top it off, I was getting grief about it from all angles.
Luke tried to talk to me when he drove me home the night of Monroe’s birthday celebration at Lou’s, but I didn’t want to hear anything. When I was out training on the pipe I was with Zane, so he’d been giving me shit about this whole thing with Monroe for two fucking weeks now.
After having another shitty day of training today, I was now out to dinner with Luke, Wes, and Zane. Wes had just hung up the phone and shared, “Looks like the girls are still going to be a while.”
“Fucking women and shopping,” Luke bit out.
“It sounded like you said she found a dress, though,” Zane added.
Wes nodded and looked to Luke, “She did but, apparently, Nikki insists on Charley finding something special to wear for our wedding night.”
Luke gave Wes a look and asked, “And you’re complaining about this?”
“No,” Wes answered. “But it makes me wonder why you aren’t locking shit down with that one.”
“It’s not for lack of trying, man. She’s stuck on this whole thing being just physical. I’m not going to complain, but that’s not to say I haven’t thought about more with her.”
“That’s a shame,” Zane piped up as he directed his attention to me. “It’s tough when people won’t get out of their own fucking way to let something good happen.”
“Alright, Zane. Let it go.”
He shook his head at me, disappointed, and turned his attention back to Wes and Luke. “I know the girls have been doing their best to watch her without it turning into mothering since her brothers left, but she didn’t look good today.”
My body froze.
What the fuck was he talking about?
“Excuse me?”
Zane turned his attention back to me and asked, “What?”
“Her brothers were here and the girls have been watching her? What do mean she didn’t look good?”
“Are you sure you want to know?” Zane retorted with attitude.
“Zane,” Luke warned.
What the fuck?
I turned to Luke. I was close with all three of these guys, but Luke was like a brother to me. Had he been keeping shit from me about Monroe?
“Need you to talk to me, brother.”
Luke took a pull of his beer, set it down on the table, and looked to me.
“She’s not doing well, man. Monroe’s brothers showed up the night of the grand opening. She seemed to be in good spirits, all things considered. Nikki and I left and had just gotten back to my place when she got a call. Monroe’s brother, Deacon, was on the phone asking where the closest hospital was.”
I felt like someone had just punched me in the stomach.
“What happened to her?” I asked, my voice strained.
“She passed out. Nikki stayed on the phone with him until Monroe came to, but I talked to her in more detail after she was off the phone. Monroe wasn’t eating. She passed out Thursday night and the last she ate before that was a piece of fuckin’ toast Wednesday morning. Prior to that, Nikki didn’t know how much or, more so, how little she had been eating.”
“Jesus Christ.”
“She’s lost weight, Stone,” Wes added. “According to Charley, Monroe’s brothers were on top of her making sure she was eating when they were here that weekend, but it looks like it may have stopped after they left on Sunday.”
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
This was love? Love was destroying her.
I needed to see her. I needed to know she was alright.
“Stone?” Zane called.
I looked to him.
“I can see your mind working. She’s a good girl. Don’t do something to hurt her more than you already have. I understand where your head is at with your stuff, but if you aren’t going to be in it for the long haul with her, let us help her through this. I didn’t know until I saw her this morning how bad it was. Let it be known now, though, that if you don’t have plans to make it right with her permanently that I’m going to do whatever I need to do to make sure she gets through this. I’m not betraying you, but this is Emme’s best friend and when she hurts, Emme hurts. I don’t like when Emme hurts.”
Son of a bitch.
“I’ve got to see her,” I admitted.
Wes cautioned me, “Zane’s right. If you can’t get past your stuff, we understand that, but don’t make it worse for her. We’ll take care of her, Stone. I promise you that.”
“She’s mine,” I confessed. “And I’m going to be the one to take care of her. From now on. I just fucking hope she lets me.”
“Be sure about it,” Luke urged. “Before you do anything, be one hundred percent sure because I think you know she deserves that.”
I clenched my jaw, balled my hands into fists, and nodded.
Roughly two hours later, when I was back home, I sent Monroe a text telling her I needed to see her.
Two hours after that I still hadn’t heard from her. I called Wes to ask him if Charley had gotten back yet. He told me she had just called to say they were on their way back and that she’d be there in ten minutes. That meant I had roughly twenty minutes until Monroe was home. At that, I got in my truck and took off.
Twenty-five minutes later, as I sat in my truck in the parking lot outside Monroe’s condo, I watched as she pulled into the lot. She parked right where she always did and I waited for her to get out of her Yukon.
The door opened and she stepped out holding a paper bag and her purse in one hand.
Fuck.
The guys weren’t lying.
Even in the dark, illuminated only by the lights in the parking lot, I could see it.
She had lost weight.
I felt sick.
I had done that to her.
My beautiful angel.
She closed the door and beeped the locks on the SUV. As she started walking away from her vehicle to the door, I got out of my truck.
As I got to within a reasonable distance I yelled out, “Monroe.”
Her body froze.
She kept her back to me.
I continued to close the distance between us.
I think she knew I was getting closer because she started to twist her neck to look behind her. She saw it was me and stumbled. Thankfully, she caught herself before she fell and two strides later I was standing in front of her underneath one of the parking lot lamps.
I looked at her.
I took in every feature that I’d craved for the last two weeks. Even though I could see the exhaustion in her face and just how much weight she lost everywhere, I still thought she was the most beautiful thing I’d ever laid my eyes on.
When I looked in her eyes, though, I struggled to breathe.
They were dead.
Nothing was there.
No anger.
No hurt.
No pain.
No love.
“Is that your dinner?” I asked, nodding to the bag.
She looked to the bag in her hand and back to me. She didn’t answer.
“Monroe, baby, I need to…” I got out before she held her hand up.
“Please, Stone. Don’t.”
“Angel, please. Let me,” I managed to say before she cut me off again.
“No. You can’t do this to me. I was wrong for thinking I could handle being with you without a chance for a happily-ever-after. That’s my fault. You were honest about it and I don’t blame you for that. I was wrong for thinking I could change your mind about that. That was also my fault. It was wrong to fall in love with you when I knew you’d never love me back. That was your fault. You made me love you. I have some good memories with you, Stone. Please go and let me remember it as that. I don’t want to hate someone that I used to love.”
Used to love.
Fuck.
I lost her.
When I heard those words, I knew.
As she walked past me, I knew.
I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I loved Monroe Archer.
I’d give her the weekend, but I wasn’t letting her go.