Chapter 17
Monroe
Luke pulled into the parking lot of our condo. Nobody had spoken a word the entire ride back from Lou’s. When Luke parked, he turned off the Tahoe, and moved to get out.
“You spending the night here, Luke?” Stone asked.
My head snapped to him.
He was looking toward the rearview mirror waiting for a response from Luke.
Luke looked to Stone in the mirror and moved his eyes to Nikki. When they went back to the mirror he said, “What’s going on, man?”
“Need to get home. If you’re staying, I’ll call an Uber.”
“Stone,” I whispered, feeling the tightness in my throat.
His eyes cut to mine, but despite the well-lit parking lot I couldn’t make out the look in his eyes.
I’m not sure if he could see me, but I begged with my features for him to stay.
“Please stay,” I rasped.
“Can’t, Monroe. Not tonight.”
The tears that had filled my eyes before were now spilling down my cheeks. I let out a sound as I tried to stop myself from completely breaking down and sobbing.
“I’ll call you,” he stated, no emotion in his voice.
Before this became more uncomfortable and awkward, I put my hand to the door handle and opened it. Then, I stumbled out of the car. I closed the door and began walking toward the condo. I got a few steps away when I heard Nikki yell out to me. I didn’t stop, but I slowed my pace so she could catch up to me without running in her heels.
Nikki caught up to me and wrapped her arm around me. Not even twenty seconds later, Luke was on my other side wrapping me up in his strong, one-armed hold. It seemed as though so many people were willing to be there to comfort me, but the one I wanted to wouldn’t. That’s when I stopped walking and broke down.
Luke held on to me as I cried. He wrapped his other arm around me and pulled me in to his chest.
“I’m sorry,” I cried.
“It’s okay, babe. Let’s get you inside.”
“We were supposed to have wall sex tonight. Then, since I was drinking, I thought it might be fun to have drunk sex.”
“Fucking hell,” Luke muttered.
I looked up at Luke and admitted, “I don’t have much experience. Stone is it. After having shower sex, I thought wall sex would be fun. Considering I don’t usually drink and I was throwing a few back tonight I thought drunk sex would be even more fun.”
“I know you don’t, Monroe. And it will be. He just needs some time.”
“No. He doesn’t. I did something really fucking stupid, Luke. I told him I loved him. I told him I loved him tonight and he said nothing to me.”
Luke’s hold tightened and he hissed, “Fuck.”
“Oh, mama. I’m so sorry,” Nikki’s tender voice filtered in from beside me.
Liquid courage had clearly taken over at this point because I began threatening Luke.
“Don’t hurt Nikki. She’s my best friend and she’s like a sister to me. Don’t ever make her feel the way I feel right now. If you do, I’ll never forgive you.”
“Okay, babe. No need to worry.”
“Promise?” I asked.
He looked to Nikki, his eyes softened, and he confirmed, “I promise to be good to her.”
“Thank you,” I said as I pulled away from him. “Sorry about the breakdown. I’m good now.”
“You’re fine, Monroe. No need to apologize.”
I began walking to the door. Nikki and Luke followed. He saw us safely inside and explain, “I’m going to head out and get him back home. Maybe I can help him sort out the shit in his head.”
“I’ll give you two a minute. Sorry if I ruined your plans for the evening. Hopefully you weren’t planning on wall sex, too.”
“Already did that, babe,” Nikki admitted.
I looked to her and my eyes rounded.
“Was it good?” I asked.
“Blazin’ hot,” she answered with a wink before turning her gaze to Luke.
I looked to see his eyes had heated.
“Okay. I’m walking away now so you two can make out. Thanks again, Luke.”
He chuckled and assured, “No problem, babe.”
With that, I turned and walked out of the doorway into the house. I walked down the hall toward my bedroom. Once inside, I slid my feet out of my shoes and stripped out of my dress. I threw on a pair of sweats and a V-neck tee before I made my way into the bathroom to wash my face. After I did my business in the bathroom, I walked back out into the bedroom and climbed in my bed.
As soon as I was under my blankets, the tears flowed. I hadn’t been there more than five minutes when I heard my door open. My back was to the door and before I had a chance to roll over I felt the bed depress as someone slipped under the covers with me. Nikki’s arms wrapped around me. She held me as I cried myself to sleep.
*****
I woke early the next morning to find Nikki still in my bed, asleep. I loved this girl. She knew what I needed last night and she gave it. I couldn’t imagine my life without her.
My cell phone dinged and alerted me to a new text. I reached over and grabbed it off my nightstand. Charley.
Hey, honey. Just wanted to check in on you.
I replied instantly.
I’m OK. Stone didn’t stay with me last night. It’s a slightly longer story, but the short of it is that I told Stone I loved him. I think it freaked him out. The issue with Christian happened after the fact and added fuel to the fire.
She replied.
I’m sorry, mama. Did he say anything when you told him you loved him?
Me: No. He just stared at me with a pained expression. I’m so stupid.
Charley: You aren’t stupid. You fell in love. Nobody, not even Stone, can fault you for that. You want some company today?
Me: Nikki stayed with me last night. I’m going to head over to the studio today since I haven’t been there for two days.
Charley: OK. Call me if you need me. Love you. xo
Me: Thanks. Love you too.
I set the phone back down on the nightstand and looked over at Nikki. She was awake and staring up at me.
“Was that him?” she asked.
I shook my head and answered, “Charley.”
She nodded her understanding.
“I wish I knew what it was, Nik.”
“He’s never mentioned anything to you?”
I thought back and realized one crucial thing. “No, he hasn’t. That comment Christian made last night about his parents, though. It has to do with them. He’s never talked about them. In fact, he’s never talked to me about any of his family.”
“Maybe he’s estranged from them. Whatever it is, I didn’t get a good feeling about it last night,” she confessed.
“Did Luke give you any indication of what Stone’s dealing with?”
“No, babe. I wish he would, but he didn’t. I have to respect their friendship enough to not push for that.”
I understood that. I’d never want someone to pressure me to give details of my friends’ lives, no matter what the situation.
“I will say this, though. As soon as you stumbled out of the car and closed the door last night, Luke told Stone that he was trashing the best thing that’s ever happened to him.”
“What did Stone say?”
“I wish I knew. I was worried about you so I got out of the car before he answered. I did glance back at him before I got out of the car, though. He was watching you walk away and he had a tortured look on his face. I think it kills him to hurt you, but he’s dealing with feelings that he just can’t manage well right now.”
It pained me to hear Nikki’s thoughts on it. Why is it that when I felt like my world had been ripped to shreds, I was simultaneously feeling awful for whatever heartache I was causing him?
“What are you going to do?” Nikki asked.
“I’m going to wait. Zane told me to try to be patient with him. Luke said Stone needed time. Stone said he’d call me. The ball is in his court. I’ve clearly done enough talking. I need to wait for him to figure it out and come to me. I’m just not sure how much waiting my heart can handle and I hope he can figure out whatever it is that’s distressing him. I hate to see the pain in his eyes.”
“Want me to call Charley and Emme? We can do something together today.”
I shook my head and answered, “No, it’s okay. I think I need some time alone to dance. I have to figure out what I’m going to tell Deacon.”
“Why is that? What do you need to tell Deacon?”
“He made me promise him that I’d call him if someone ever made me cry again. I don’t want to call him, but I made a promise. Besides, it might be good to talk to him.”
Nikki laughed. “Are you sure about that?”
I couldn’t help but smile at her. “I know, I must be crazy thinking that he isn’t going to lose his shit when he finds out someone made me cry and it’s the same guy that did it the last time.”
“I have no advice for that one, so all I can do is wish you luck.”
I sat for a while in silence with her thinking about everything. Hating where I allowed myself to end up, but also wondering if I needed to go through this to help Stone get through what he was attempting to cope with.
“Thanks, Nikki.”
“You’re welcome, mama. You want breakfast?”
I nodded.
At that, Nikki and I made our way to the kitchen and made breakfast. After we ate, I got ready and left for the studio. I spent my entire day there dancing. I only stopped a handful of times when I had visitors. My visitors consisted of four new clients who signed up for classes and Emme. She stopped in to check on me around lunch time. She brought lunch with her, so I sat and ate with her. She left after lunch and I got back to dancing. I called Deacon and filled him in because I promised him I would. He was not happy to hear that my heart was, once again, broken. He had the expected response and told me I needed to move on and find someone who would treat me the way I deserved to be treated.
It was relatively late, well after dinnertime, when I left the studio. I think there was a part of me that was hoping Stone would show up. I was disappointed, to say the least, to admit that not only didn’t Stone stop in to see me, but he also didn’t think I was worth a phone call. My heart broke a little more that night as I locked up, drove home, and went to bed without a word from him.
The next morning, I woke up late. Since the grand opening of the salon and studio were scheduled for Thursday and I had my two employees starting tomorrow, I decided to take the day off and relax. By relax, I mostly meant not going into the studio to dance. Instead, I spent what was left of the morning cleaning and doing laundry. I had lunch with Nikki, who told me that she was going to be going out with Luke that night and that she didn’t know when she’d be home. Of course, she insisted that I call her if I needed her.
I spent my afternoon reading since my to-be-read shelves were filling up and I hadn’t escaped from reality in quite a while. I fielded phone calls throughout the afternoon from Remi and Vaughn, who had both gotten the scoop from Deacon. Thankfully, they didn’t lecture me, but merely wanted to check in to see how I was holding up.
For dinner, I curled up on the couch with a bowl of popcorn and watched a movie. I was halfway through the movie when I heard a knock at the door. I didn’t think Nikki would have been back so early and she had her own key, so I wasn’t sure who it could be. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t secretly hoping it was Stone.
I paused the movie, walked to the door, and slowly unlocked it. When I cracked the door open to see who was on the other side, I felt the air rush out of my body.
Stone.
Standing there in all the beauty that he was, he looked tortured.
It broke my heart.
I opened the door fully and allowed him to come inside. Stone said nothing and waited with me by the door while I locked it. I silently moved past him into the family room where the television was still paused on the movie I had been watching. I turned it off and looked back at him.
“Hi,” I uttered, my voice just a hair over a whisper.
“I’m sorry about Friday night. It was your birthday celebration and it didn’t end well.”
I nodded in acknowledgement of his apology. I tried to remain expressionless, but I was too hopeful and I’m sure my body and my facial features gave me away.
I missed him so much. I missed seeing him and talking to him. I missed hearing his voice and his laugh. But, mostly, I missed feeling his hands holding me.
He was struggling to speak. His hand came up and ran through his hair, indicating there was a major internal battle with which he was dealing.
“Fuck. I just need to say it because it’s going to hurt like a bitch, regardless,” he bit out.
Oh. No.
No. No. No.
This wasn’t going to be good.
“Monroe,” he began. “I’m so fucking sorry for this, but I can’t. I can’t explore this with you anymore.”
The second the words were out of his mouth, my body went cold. My eyes filled with tears that began to slowly trickle down my face. I felt my lip quivering and I knew I wasn’t going to be able to keep it together much longer.
“Why?” I whispered.
“It’s not something I want to talk about.”
I probably shouldn’t have continued to ask questions I had no right to get answers to, but apparently, but my mouth had a mind of its own these days.
“Is it about them? Your parents?”
Pain, the likes I’d never seen before in anyone, flashed through his eyes.
He didn’t answer, but he dipped his chin affirming that it was about them.
“I’m sorry,” I rasped out.
“Why are you apologizing?” he asked.
The tears were relentless, continuing to spill down my cheeks.
“First, I’m sorry for whatever it is that’s eating you up inside,” I started. “I’m also sorry for this. I knew where you stood with things, but I couldn’t help what happened. I didn’t mean to say it the way I did, but I guess I lost my inhibitions on Friday night. Somehow, the words I’ve been wanting to say to you for so long slipped past my lips and there was nothing I could do to get them back. I hate that I said them to you and have caused this, but I don’t regret falling in love with you. Even knowing the outcome, if I had to do it over again, I’d still wait all these years for you.”
Stone dropped his head to the ground. I could see the muscle in his jaw working. When he lifted his head and brought his eyes to mine, the hardness was gone.
“My angel,” he said, his voice rough.
“Stone? Will you hold me just one more time? Please.”
Stone reached his hand out to me. I put my hand in his and the next thing I knew he hauled me up against his body. His arms were around me instantly, his face nuzzling my neck. As much as I needed this, I knew he needed it, too. And that just made my heart break more.
My knees buckled, but Stone took my weight. I wanted to break down and give in to the sobs threatening to take over, but I needed this. I needed to memorize the feel of him because I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I’d never in my life ever feel again with anyone else what I felt with Stone. Beyond this moment, I knew that if he was ending this there was no way I’d be able to be around him anymore. At least, not for a good while. It would be too painful for me.
Stone held me for a long time. I think it was just as difficult for him to let me go as it was for me to let him go. When I finally dropped my arms and stepped back, I knew I had something I needed to say to him.
“I’m devastated right now. I hoped that I would have been enough -- that I’d have been able to help you through your heartache. I am destroyed, Stone, that you believe there is no hope for us together. You know what hurts more than all of that, though? My heart feels like it’s stuck in my throat and my stomach gets this cold feeling in it when I look in your eyes and see the pain that you’re in. If I could take that pain away from you, I would and I wouldn’t have to think twice about it. For the last week, whenever I’d say something and you’d burst out laughing, I always felt proud. I felt honored to have done something that, even if only for seconds at a time, made you forget what cut you so deep. That’s how I know that this was love. That this is love. I would sacrifice myself so that you wouldn’t ever have to feel an ounce of the pain and agony I see you in every single day.”
“Baby…” he whispered, as his voice trailed off. “I never meant to hurt you like this. I never meant to hurt you at all.”
“I know, Stone. It’s okay. After you walk out the door and out of my life tonight, I want you to know that I love you. I will always love you. You are the only man I’ve ever loved, and I’m certain, you’re the only man I’ll ever love. Thank you for giving me the chance to experience that.”
“Fuck, Monroe. You’re standing here being the strongest woman in the world and I don’t know how you’re doing it.”
I looked away when I admitted, “I’m not strong at all. The second you walk out the door I’m going to fall to the floor in a fit of tears and cry myself to sleep.”
“I don’t think I want to walk out the door then.”
We stood there in silence, minutes passing, with neither of us making a move. Finally, I let courage and a bit of selfishness take over when I held out my hand and asked, “Will you come with me? I want you to listen to something before you go.”
“Okay.”
I took his hand and walked him down the hall to my bedroom. I found my phone, scrolled to the song I wanted him to hear, and pushed play. The piano started playing and then Adele’s magical voice came through the speaker as she sang All I Ask. I stood there in front of Stone, his hand in mine as I watched him while he listened to the words. At some point in the song, I squeezed his hand a little tighter and his eyes came to mine. He realized what I was asking him to do for me in that moment. The song had just nearly finished when he took the phone from my hand. He set it down on the nightstand and turned back to me.
His face softened and his eyes were vulnerable. His hand came up to cup my cheek as his thumb stroked back and forth across my jaw.
“Angel, are you sure this is what you want?”
“Yes.”
He searched my face looking for something. I’m not sure what and I don’t know if he found it, but the next thing I knew his lips were on mine. It was slow and sweet. Stone’s tongue slipped into my mouth and moved against mine.
I brought my hands up to his shoulders and pushed his jacket off them. It fell to the floor as I reached for the hem of his shirt and lifted it. His mouth left mine to move the fabric out of the way. With his torso bared, Stone took my shirt up over my head. I had no bra on. His fingertips traced patterns delicately over my skin. His mouth followed. I savored this. Every touch of his hands, every swipe of his tongue, every kiss of his lips. I was committing every one of them to memory. I never wanted to forget what this felt like. Stone’s hands traveled further down my abdomen to the waistband of my sweats. They were loose fitting, so a simple push down over my ass and they fell to the floor. My panties went down at the same time.
My hand came to the belt at his waist. I worked the leather and opened the buckle before I moved my fingers to the button and zipper of his jeans. I pushed both his jeans and boxer briefs down his legs. When they settled at his feet, Stone kicked off his boots and socks before stepping out of the clothes.
Stone wrapped a hand behind my back and another behind my knees. He picked me up and carried me over to the bed where he gently laid me down on my back and settled himself between my parted thighs.
Stone filled me.
He began moving, slowly, in and out of me.
Then it happened.
The fear crept in.
I was scared.
Afraid of never feeling this again. Never having him again. Terrified that this was the last I’d ever be like this with him and that I’d forget what it felt like.
The worry overwhelmed me and the tears leaked from my eyes.
Strong hands framed my face and Stone’s gentle voice begged, “Monroe, please don’t cry.”
“I’m scared,” I admitted.
Stone continued to move while he asked, “What are you scared of?”
“What if I forget?”
“Forget what?”
I closed my eyes, trying to memorize the feel of him moving in me. When I opened them I confessed, “You. This. What if I forget what you feel like?”
A look of sadness spread across his face.
“I don’t want to forget you, Stone.”
“You won’t, my angel. I promise you won’t.”
“Will you forget me?”
“Never, baby. Not ever.”
That was it. We didn’t say any more words. Stone moved slowly, drawing out this time together. Making it last, making it memorable. He built me up, unhurriedly. The closer I got, the quicker my breaths came. There was so much emotion, I couldn’t hold back any longer.
“Let it go, Monroe.”
“I don’t want it to end,” I admitted as my tears continued to fall. I wasn’t referring to what was physically happening right now, and I think Stone knew it.
“I know you don’t, angel. You’ll be okay, though. Just let it go."
When it hit, I couldn’t control what came out of my mouth.
“Oh God, Stone. I love you so much.”
He dropped his head to my face and took my mouth. As he kissed me, he groaned through his orgasm.
Stone quickly rolled to take his weight off me and went to his back. He slid out of me, but pulled me into his side. We stayed like that a long time, catching our breath and coming down from the physical pleasure we both had just experienced.
I was exhausted. Emotionally and physically I felt like I had been through the wringer. I could barely hold my eyes open when I whispered, “Don’t leave me, Stone. Don’t make me say good-bye to you. Please…just stay with me.”
I was nearly asleep when I heard him respond, “I can’t, baby. I’m so sorry.”
The fight left me and I gave in to the exhaustion.
When I woke the next morning, Stone was gone and I was alone.