What did I think? What I thought was that this whole conversation had spiraled out of control. From the minute Justin suggested we take Emma to a game, nothing had been normal. The one time I’d suggested we take Emma somewhere, he up and disappeared on me. Now he was suggesting we take her to a game? I honest to fuck had no idea what was going on. And what was I thinking asking him to come home with me for the 4th of July? First of all, that was two months away and second, take Justin home to meet my family? Had I lost my mind? And to add to that I suggested we get a house with my ex-wife, her husband, and my kid. Shit.

“Mark,” Justin said, looking worried. “Do you have plans or something? We don’t have to go this weekend or at all. I just thought…”

“What? No. I mean yes, I can get off, and no, I don’t have plans. Where do you want to go?” I tried to get my mind to slow down and quit worrying so much. This wasn’t like when I asked him to go to the zoo with us. This was his idea, not mine. He wanted to go away for the weekend. I just needed to calm down. I was acting ridiculous.

“I don’t know. You said you didn’t get much chance to explore San Antonio when you were down there; do you want to go back? We could do the whole River Walk touristy thing, and maybe you could show me the shelter you are so excited about. It sounds like such a great project. It would be wonderful to have something like that here, and if it’s something you’re going to be working on, I’d love to see it.”

Crap, this man made it hard to stay detached. Of course, who was I kidding? I’d lost the battle to not get emotionally involved with him a while ago. To be honest, I probably lost that battle the night we met. But something was different now. Not for me. I was still just as hopelessly hooked on him as ever. But something was different with him.

It had been ever since the day he picked Emma up. I was really fighting to keep my mind firmly on the ‘he only wants to be friends no kids’ side of things. I thought back to what Suzie said about listening to what he did, not what he said, and I could feel a tiny seed of hope starting to bloom.

“Sure, San Antonio sounds great. I’ll check with my boss to make sure it isn’t a problem, but it shouldn’t be. I’ll let you know.”

“Okay, you don’t worry about anything as far as the trip goes aside from maybe setting up a time for us to see the shelter. I’ve got the rest of it covered.” He looked over and smiled at me, and I swear there was something in that smile that I’d never expected to see from him. I saw more, and that was a dangerous thing for me to believe in.

* * *

I woke up Sunday morning still thinking about yesterday. It had been a weird day. The baseball game was way more fun than I expected. I assumed that since it was a minor league game, the players wouldn’t be as good or take it as seriously, but I was wrong. But hey, me being wrong wasn’t all that unusual, so that was no big deal. The whole exchange with Justin had been unsettling, but even that wasn’t what I was thinking about. No, what I was thinking about was how the day ended. I just assumed Justin was coming in to spend the night. He usually did on Saturdays. But he didn’t last night.

He took me back to the house, kissed me, and told me he had to get going because he had a really busy week ahead if he was going to take Friday off; that was disappointing and odd. But him leaving still wasn’t strangest part. The strangest part was the kiss. It wasn’t casual, and it wasn’t passionate; it was sweet and sweet was so not Justin.

I showered, dressed, and went downstairs to make a cup of coffee, the whole time trying to figure out just exactly what happened. I took my coffee and went out back to my deck to sit and think. I wanted to believe that he’d had a change of heart and that he wanted to be more than friends with benefits, and to be honest, I didn’t think it had just been that for either of us for a long time. But he wasn’t willing to admit that.

I knew there had to be a reason he was so hesitant, but I didn’t know what it was. I’d never asked because I was afraid if I pushed him too hard he would take off again. The couple of weeks he cut off contact with me hurt me more than I’d even admitted to myself. That was just one more thing that indicated I was in deep. It wouldn’t have been such a big deal to me if I hadn’t already been half gone for him at that point.

I’d been making choices and playing it safe because I was afraid of him leaving me again. That’s something we were going to have to deal with if we were going to continue this—whatever this was. And I guess the big question was did I want to continue it? That was the hardest part because I did, but I also knew I couldn’t.

After that kiss, there was no way I was going to be able to keep pretending I didn’t want more. I thought he did too, but if he couldn’t find a way to let go of his stupid rule and let us try to make something of this, I was going to have to let him go. So, I guess we both had things to work through.

“You’re thinking so hard you look like you’re solving all the world’s problems over there.” I looked up and Suzie was heading across the yard from her deck to mine, cup of coffee in hand.

“So far I haven’t even been able to solve mine, so the world will have to wait” I laughed wryly. “You know we should really add on to our two decks and make them one so we don’t have to cut across the grass.”

“I suggested that, and you said no remember? Are you saying I was right, and you should have listened to me?” Suzie grinned.

“That was before I knew for sure I wanted to live next door to you. You know I thought you were completely crazy? I mean what kind of idiot moves in next door to his ex-wife and the guy she is married to? I wasn’t connecting our decks because there was no way I could sell this house with our houses connected like that. We could always build a fence between them to separate the shared yard but a shared deck? Come on. Crazy right?”

“But now you think we should connect them, huh?”

“Yeah, I do. You were right and I was wrong. Living here was a great idea. I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

“We wouldn’t either, you know. Tom and I love having you next door. I mean at first, we did it for Em, and, to be honest, Tom thought maybe I was a little crazy too. But I knew it’d work. I was sure in the end we would get to this place. We weren’t meant to be married, but we were meant to be family.”

“Tom is a good guy. I’m glad you found someone to love you the way you deserve. He is perfect for you.”

“He is, isn’t he? I feel so blessed every single day. You know…” And there it was, that thing she was known for, I chuckled to myself. She was about say what she really came over here to tell me. “Justin is a good guy too.”

“I love him,” I said simply.

“I know. I have known that for months. That is why I didn’t like him. I thought he was going to hurt you, and I don’t like it when people I love are hurting. It makes me a little stabby.”

“Makes you stabby, huh?” I laughed. “I could say you don’t look scary in your bathrobe and slippers, but I won’t because I know that you can be one scary bitch when you need to be.”

“Damn straight,” she laughed.

“So, you said you didn’t like him, but you seem to have changed your mind.”

“That remains to be seen. Depends on if he gets his head out of his ass any time soon. Have you talked to him at all about his past? His stepfather, I mean.”

“No, I didn’t even know he had a stepfather. He has told me a lot about his mom and it sounds like she was a piece of work but nothing about a stepfather. He talked to you about it?” I couldn’t believe he’d talked to Suzie and not to me. I was pretty annoyed about that, and, to be honest, it hurt my feelings.

“Calm down there, princess,” she laughed. “He just told me a little the night he picked up Emma, and he only told me that because I made him. I just knew what questions to ask. I suspected something had happened to him for him to be so set against being involved in a real relationship. But anyway, it isn’t my story to tell. I am disappointed though because I thought he was going to tell you.”

I thought about it for a second and decided that made a few things a little bit clearer for me. I figured it was one of two things. Either he had decided to tell me what the hell was going on and that was what this weekend was about or he had decided he couldn’t do it, and he wanted us to have one good weekend before we ended it. But why would he ask about taking Em to a game and mention the 4th of July if he was going to end it?

“Hey there,” Suzie said, snapping her fingers in front of my face. “I have no idea what is going on in your head because…not a mind reader. So spill. Let’s talk this over out loud; I know that’s how you process things best.”

And I did spill. I told her about the ball game, about him inviting Emma, about the plans for the 4th, and the trip to San Antonio. I just let it all out. Then I finished by telling her about the kiss at the end of the night.

“He loves you,” she said when I was done. “I was pretty sure the other night, but now I really am. He loves you.”

“I don’t know.” I sighed. “I hope he does. But either way, what we have right now ends this weekend. It’s either over or it becomes something more. So, stay available. I may need you to come pick me up in San Antonio.”

“You know I will.” She smiled. “But you won’t need me to.”