I went out the back door onto the patio carrying a plate of various meats. Tom had the grill all hot and ready. Emma and her friend Abby were running around the yard in princess gowns, Nathan and Linc were sitting at the table with Suzie and Abby’s mom, Denise. Rachel and Brad were setting the food table up. It was almost perfect. Almost. Something was missing though. Then I heard the familiar purr of Justin’s sports car in the drive, and no matter how hard I tried to tell myself he wasn’t what was missing I knew he was. He didn’t want kids. He wasn’t right for me. Friends, Mark. Just friends. Maybe if I said it often enough, I’d believe it.

“Hey guys,” Justin said as he came through the gate into the backyard. He smiled over at me and then moved on to the table with Nathan and Linc.

“Missed you at the game last night, sweetie. It wasn’t the same without you there getting all mad and shoutie at the players.” I heard Nathan tell him.

“That is true,” Lincoln laughed. “You’re pretty entertaining to watch.”

“I just learned from the master over there.” Justin pointed at me. “That man is serious about his hockey.”

Just then Emma and Abby ran up to the table. “We are going up in our castle, but we need a prince to come and rescue us.” They pulled on Lincoln. “You have to come and save us, Uncle Lincoln.” And then Lincoln was trying to save two princesses from the evil queen who was Nathan of course, and Justin was sword fighting with Brad with imaginary swords as the girls ran around them. Suzie, Rachel, and Denise were laughing so hard they were almost crying, and as I looked around at them I thought to myself…now, this was perfect.

I went back in the kitchen to finish up and grab the side dishes, and Rachel followed me in.

“He really is a great guy,” Rachel told me as she loaded up the vegetable tray.

“Who? Brad? Yeah, you did good kiddo; he is a great guy.” I really liked Brad, and he was seriously crazy about my sister.

“No. Not Brad. I mean, yeah, Brad is a great guy, but I was talking about Justin.”

I looked up confused. “Justin? Yeah, he is good friend, even if he kicks my ass regularly in video games.”

“A good friend? So, you guys are still going with the just friends story, huh?”

“Not a story, Rach. We really are just friends.”

“For real? Because neither of you look at the other like you are just friends.”

“Yeah, there is an attraction there, but nothing has changed. He still doesn’t date men with kids, and I still don’t date men who don’t date men with kids. So we are kinda stuck in the friend zone.” I shrugged like I didn’t really care. Like being just friends with Justin wasn’t one of hardest things I have ever done.

Rachel looked at me for a minute like she was trying to decide if I was okay. “Well, that’s a shame, because I really like him.”

She was still watching me and was sure she could see my regret. “Yeah, me too.” I sighed. “But enough of that. Let’s get this food out there and enjoy the fact that Texas can’t decide if it is winter or summer and has graced us with an 80-degree day in December.”

We ate, laughed, and just had really good time. The girls wore themselves out on the swing set, and we decided that, in and of itself, made it worth every penny. Denise loaded Abby up and took her home and after that, everyone decided to call it a night. Lincoln and Nathan were making plans to go out to a club, but Em was sleeping at my house, so I was staying home. Justin and I had texted earlier, and he was going to hang out and play video games after, but the guys asked him to join them at the club. I figured he would head out; I mean a night at the club with a chance to hook up was bound to be more exciting than video games with a friend, right? But to my surprise, he told them that he already had plans but that he would take a rain check.

Everyone left, and Justin helped me carry everything inside. I sent Emma upstairs to get ready for bed, and we straightened up the kitchen. When we finished, we headed into the living room, and Emma was asleep on the couch. She was in her PJs, so she had at least made it that far before she made it back downstairs and crashed. I had no idea if she’d brushed her teeth or not, but one night without wouldn’t kill her.

I picked her up to carry her up to bed and told Justin to get the game set up. As I laid her down and covered her up, just how precious she was hit me all over again. I stood there for a minute and watched her snuggle into her pillow. I loved this little girl so much it actually physically hurt sometimes. And yeah, my life wasn’t perfect, but I wouldn’t change a thing, not if it meant I couldn’t have moments like this one.

I went back down to the living room. I’d had a long week at work followed by a hockey game last night and a day of chasing little girls around the backyard today, so I was beat. I didn’t really have the energy to play video games, but I didn’t want Justin to leave just yet, so I was going to anyway. When I walked in, I noticed that the TV was on, but the game system wasn’t set up.

“Hey. Hope you don’t mind, but you looked kinda tired, and I noticed The Avengers was playing. I know you love it, so I thought maybe we could have a movie night instead,” Justin said as he handed me a beer and passed me a bowl of popcorn he must have popped in the microwave while I was upstairs.

“Yeah, thanks. This is perfect,” I replied, trying not to add the thought ‘you are perfect’ to that. I sat down on the couch, and we watched the movie. Other than occasional comments about the movie, we didn’t really talk much. It wasn’t awkward at all; it was just, well…perfect.

* * *

We watched about two-thirds of the movie, and then Mark got really quiet. I looked over to see he had fallen asleep on his end of the couch. I let myself look at him while he slept and, for just a minute, let myself feel how much I wanted him. How much I wanted to be more than friends. He was pretty much everything I’d always said I didn’t want. He was steady. He was reliable. He wasn’t the kind of guy you fucked and forgot about; he was the kind of guy you had a relationship with. He was a father, for Christ’s sake. But he looked so relaxed and peaceful when he slept that I wanted to reach over and touch him. Instead, I decided to stop being stupid and just go home. I was debating whether I should wake him or let him sleep there when I heard little footsteps on the stairs. I looked toward the staircase, and there was a sleepy little Emma carrying her blanket and rubbing her eyes.

She was just about the cutest thing I had ever seen. She really looked a lot like Suzie, but instead of her straight light brown hair, she had Mark’s dark curls, and those curls were everywhere. “Hey there, princess,” I whispered. “What are you doing up?”

“Daddy forgot Mr. Monkey,” she said quietly, looking over at Mark. “I can’t sleep without Mr. Monkey. He’ll get lonely.” I glanced around the room and spotted the stuffed monkey over by the door where we came in. I got up and retrieved him for her. She tucked him under her arm.

“Here you go. Think you can get back to sleep now?”

“Daddy didn’t read me a story either,” she said with the cutest pout. It was the same one I had seen on Mark’s face when he didn’t get his way.

“Well, how about if I read you one and we let Daddy sleep?”

“Okay,” she said. “Can we read the one about the wild things?” she asked as she took my hand and we headed up the stairs.

“Whatever you want, princess. Whatever you want.” I tucked her in, and we started the book. I only made it probably halfway through, and she was back to sleep. I sat there for a minute and watched her sleep. Just like her daddy downstairs, she looked so peaceful as she slept. I was in so much trouble with these two.

I headed back downstairs. Mark was still sound asleep on the couch. I was pretty sure the decent thing to do would be to wake him up, but I needed some time to think and some distance. So I quietly slipped out of the house, went home, crawled into bed, and dreamed about a life I didn’t even know I wanted. With a dark-haired man and a pretty little princess.

When I woke up, I knew things had to change. I needed to get back out there and meet someone else. Someone I could fuck and forget. I need to find something else to do with my time. Something besides hockey, video games, cookouts, and reading bedtime stories to little girls who looked like their daddy.

And that is why, when I got the text from Mark saying he was taking Emma to the zoo and did I want to come along, I lied and said I was busy. The truth was there wasn’t much I could think of that would be more fun than watching Emma enjoy the zoo. So, I sat there on the couch and watched reruns of Criminal Minds. Because no matter how badly I wanted Mark or how sweet Emma was, stepfamilies didn’t work, and I was not willing to put any of us through that.