Chapter Sixteen
Noah
I DON’T WANT to be the man Lauren expects. I want to be the man she deserves.
I’m on my way back from the studio, and I’m still feeling guilty about making her come and get me from The Roadhouse the other night. Though I was only half awake when she left this morning, I could see the dark circles under her eyes. She didn’t say anything, not one complaint, as she quietly moved about the house so she wouldn’t wake me.
I’m stepping it up. I’m not going to disappoint her again. And it’s surprising how much disappointing her disappoints me. I can do better. I know I can.
For the first time in a while, I pull into the grocery store parking lot. I’m making Lauren dinner tonight. I just don’t know what to make. I text Colin as I walk into the supermarket.
What’s your sister’s favorite food?
I should know this. She’s the mother of my child, for fuck’s sake. It takes until I’m pushing a cart down an aisle of vegetables to get a reply from Colin.
Which sister?
I roll my eyes at the screen. He’s being an ass on purpose.
The one I slept with. So your guess is as good as mine.
He responds right away. Not cool, dude. It’s bad enough you actually did sleep with one. Lauren likes cheese.
What can you make with cheese? Grilled cheese? I’d hope for something a bit … more … for tonight though. Fuck. I rarely got home cooked meals. Actually, ninety percent of any home-cooked, legit healthy meal I ate came from the Winters’ house. No wonder Lauren is a good cook. She grew up like that.
And I want our kid to grow up like that too. Family dinners, all seated together and eating something that didn’t come from a paper bag. My own mother was a fan of fast food, and then “fend for yourself” once I got old enough to drive.
It’s not like she was a horrible mother, just an absent one. She took it hard when my dad left. She had to pick up the pieces of life, deal with the hell I raised, and still work to provide for us. She worked the evening shift as a nurse at a nursing home, and was gone by the time I got home from school and asleep when I left in the morning.
My mother was a hard worker—still is—but she put work first. I think it was her way of dealing with the divorce, of dealing with being cheated on and left with a child she didn’t know how to raise.
But it was her dedication to work over me that caused me to drift away, and caused things to be awkward between us. She didn’t want to be around me. I look like my father, after all. It hurt as a kid, but I’m over it now. She didn’t try, and I sure as hell didn’t either.
And it’s not like I hate my mother. We’re just not close. We talk on the phone on the important holidays. Once I graduated high school, she moved an hour away, saying she needed a fresh start. She never got over the divorce. Her untreated depression was almost contagious, and being around her brought me down, which is why I haven’t told her she’s going to be a grandma yet.
I know I need to. Even Lauren has been pestering me to. Ah, fuck. No better time as the present, right?
I pull up her number and press “call.” Then I wonder if this is a good thing to talk about at the grocery store. Meh, I never did give a fuck about anyone else’s opinion.
“Hey, Mom,” I say when she answers.
“Noah. Is everything all right?”
“It is.” I can’t blame her. I never call. “I got some exciting news. You’re going to be a grandma.”
There’s a minute of stunned silence. “You got a girl pregnant?”
“My girlfriend,” I say so it sounds like this wasn’t just some random hookup. It started that way, but it’s not ending that way.
“It was only a matter of time,” she replies. “I’m honestly surprised it didn’t happen sooner.”
I close my eyes in a long blink, trying to stay calm. “You, uh, might remember her. It’s Colin’s sister, Lauren.”
“Your friend Colin? You’re dating his sister? And he’s okay with that?”
“Uh, kind of.”
“How far along is she? Is everything going okay? Are you two living together? You were single at Christmas.”
“She’s four months, everything is fine, and we’re not living together yet.”
“This wasn’t planned, was it? Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”
“No, it wasn’t. We’re working it out though. She’s excited.”
“What about her family? I remember them being a bit uptight.”
Strange how I take almost immediate offense to that. “It was a surprises for everyone. But now they’re happy. Excited for a baby due around the holidays.” I grab random produce and toss it in the cart. I make my way down the aisles, grabbing things that look good but having no idea what I can actually make with half these ingredients.
“Can I come over and meet her?” Mom asks.
“Yeah, of course. When do you want to?”
“I’m free this weekend.”
“Ah, shit.”
“Watch your mouth, Noah.” Absent or not, that woman is my mother.
“Sorry. I have a photoshoot this weekend. I’ll be out of town.”
“I work next weekend, but the one after that I don’t.”
I take a mental note. “Yeah, come over then. Just call me first or something so we know to be home.”
“Are you still in the same apartment?”
“Yep.”
“Take care, see you in a while.”
I end the call, dread building inside, and I can’t figure out why until I’m putting groceries away at my own place. My life growing up was dysfunctional. Absent mother, no father … I’m worried that if Lauren is reminded of that, her faith in me will go out the window.
*
“I’m not going to have to break up any fights, am I?” Justin asks, eyeing Colin and me.
“Nah,” I say, grabbing a beer and sinking onto the couch. We’re over at Colin’s for a video game party. “We’re cool.”
Colin nods. “As long as he doesn’t fuck up. Again.”
Justin laughs. “It’s been, what, four months now and it’s still so weird to me.” His eyes go to me. “You fucked Colin’s sister and you’re going to be a dad.”
“Shut up.” I shake my head and turn on the PlayStation. Justin’s been a mutual friend since college and has enjoyed every minute of heckling Colin and me about this. Though he hasn’t had many chances to be an ass to both of us at the same time. Colin might have handled the news better than I thought, but things didn’t go back to normal until recently. And it’s a new normal. There’s judgement in my best friend’s eyes for the first time. And I get it: torn between your sister and your best friend. It’s not a comfortable place to be. He shares the same doubts as the rest of the Winters family, that I’m going to fuck this up and hurt Lauren and abandon my child.
If he knew how much Lauren meant to me, he’d have no reason to worry, or he’d get pissed I’d been crushing on his little sister way back when.
“And you two are together now. Things are going good?” Justin asks me.
“They are,” I say, deciding less is more right now, though they are. A month has passed since Lauren and I made things official, and I’ve never been happier. I spend most nights at her house, and I want to spend all my spare time with her. It’s finally feeling like we’re together because we want to be, not because we have to in order to raise our child. It’s crazy when I think about it, and almost scares me that something bad is going to happen to mess this up.
And that thing is me.
Justin laughs. “So you’re fucking Colin’s sister on a regular basis now.”
“You’re such a shithead,” Colin mumbles.
“Really though,” Justin says. “Things are good with the pregnancy?”
“Doctor says everything is perfect and it’s been pretty easy on Lauren.”
“That’s good. June had a rough pregnancy. Like bad enough to make us think twice about having another.”
“Ah, yeah, I remember,” I tell him, thinking back two years to when Justin and his wife had their baby girl. Seems like so long ago.
“We find out what we’re having tomorrow,” I say and trade my beer for a PlayStation controller. “I’m pretty excited.”
“Yeah, that’s a fun part. June did the whole lame gender reveal party thing. I wasn’t even allowed to know what we were having until she opened the box with pink balloons.”
“Lauren wants to do that too.” I thought it was lame at first, and totally pointless, but now that Lauren’s parents are 100% on board with having a grandchild, celebrating this milestone makes sense. Plus, Lauren seemed excited for a reason to eat cake.
“You wanna watch the birth?”
“I think so. I might stay by Lauren and hold her hand or something instead.”
“You’ll want to watch,” Justin says. “I didn’t think I’d want to, but I’m glad I did. Seeing your kid come into the world isn’t something you want to miss.”
A door slams and Jenny hurries up the stairs. Ah, fuck. I remember what Lauren said about hurting Jenny’s feelings. I don’t know what if feels like to long for a child and not be able to have it, but if it’s anything like longing for a lover you think you’ll will never love you back, it fucking sucks.
I don’t want to do that to anyone, let alone my best buddy’s wife.