My office was quiet. The entire floor of the building was quiet. People acted like I didn’t notice them tiptoeing around me, but I did. Sure, my temper had been on an incredibly short fuse for the past two weeks, but they were overreacting. It wasn’t like I was telling people to fuck off every second or anything. I was just incredibly demanding of my time. If they wanted to waste precious seconds on stupid shit, I was going to let them know it wasn’t acceptable.

I stared out the window into the dark night sky. Every day I worked a little longer, falling back into the old habit of essentially living out of my office, great for production, horrible for my moral. I only went home to sleep a few hours, shower, and change clothes. Not that I really wanted to sleep. Every night, vivid dreams about Mason and our baby woke me up with tears streaming down my face.

Something had to change, I understood it did. But knowing and making it happen were two different things. At this point, I couldn’t fathom a way to start healing. Adam had been more understanding than he should have been. I hadn’t told him about the nightmares, and he wasn’t pushing when it came to my weak excuses on why my hours were longer with each passing day since we’d been back from Vegas. I suspected that he knew, but to my relief, he didn’t seem to want to talk about it. He was supportive and loving, continually asking if he could do anything to help. Even worse was the fact that we still hadn’t slept together. We hadn’t even had any more close calls.

The night of Taylor’s wedding, Adam had come back to the room to find me asleep in the dress I’d worn to the wedding. I hadn’t even taken off my shoes before crashing. He helped me get into pajamas and curled up behind me, stroking my head and telling me that it was going to be okay.

We both knew it was over; I just needed to man up and say the words. It wasn’t up to Adam; it was up to me because I was the one walking all over him. He deserved better than me avoiding him for weeks at a time because something had gone wrong with Mason. Again. Yes, I’d embarrassed the hell out of myself, but Adam wasn’t the one I was mad at. It didn’t matter that we’d never talked about labels or exclusivity, I still felt like I owed it to him.

“What are you still doing here, Em?”

I startled in my chair when Luke’s deep, base voice came from behind me. My chair practically tipped me out as I whipped around to see him.

“You scared the hell out of me. Why are you here so late?”

“I should be asking the same about you.”

He pinned me with a look and I motioned for him to sit down. Reaching into my bottom drawer, I pulled out a bottle of Jameson and two lowball glasses. I poured two fingers of whiskey in each glass, pushing the first one towards Luke.

“What else do you have hidden in that magic drawer of yours?”

I gave a half-hearted smile. “Just the basics, handcuffs, condoms and lube.”

His big frame leaned back into the leather club chair. “Answer my first question Emmy. Why are you still here?”

I took a drink to buy a few more seconds. Luke knew me and a lie wouldn’t work on him. He would see right through it, and me. “Have you ever felt so lost that nothing in your life felt right anymore?”

He arched an eyebrow. “Two words, Emmy. Gay rockstar.”

I chuckled softly, the sound foreign to my own ears. “I guess you’re right.”

“Be honest. What’s going on with you, kid?”

I sighed. “I have this amazing guy right here that wants to start a life with me, but I’m so hung up on someone that doesn’t want me, I can’t move forward with my life. All I want to do is finally move past the heartache and pain with Mason, but every time I take one step forward it’s like I take two giant steps back.”

“Honey, you know all about my ex. You are probably the only one I told everything that happened to. He’s always going to be part of me because of what we shared, but I knew it was time to move on when I didn’t think about him.” I must have given him a confused look because he went on. “Things with Max were never easy. As I started touring and going around the country, I realized that I didn’t need to talk to him each day, or even each week. Decisions were easier without him and I was happier by myself. He didn’t make my life better and I didn’t think about whether my decisions affected him. That’s when I knew.”

“Mase doesn’t influence my decisions,” I said quickly.

“Doesn’t he? Why did you ask Adam to go with you to Vegas?”

“Because I wanted him there.” My eyes narrowed.

“And because you knew Mason would be there. It was easier not to face him by yourself. Why do you keep Jameson in your desk drawer? Why not something else?”

“Because it’s Mason’s—” The words died on my lips.

“Favorite,” Luke finished. “You’re still thinking of him, even if you don’t want to admit it to yourself. I’m not saying that you and Adam aren’t good for each other, but I think you need to really consider if he’s going to make you happy.”

“Like Mason did?” I asked bitterly.

“Mase had his own crosses to bear, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. I know for a fact he does. He’s grown up a lot over the past few years. I think during that time, he’s realized exactly how badly he messed up when he told you it was over. He wanted what was best for you.”

“So I’ve been told,” I said, taking another sip of the whiskey. “It doesn’t matter.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, kid. You’re still thinking about him.”

I scowled and shook my head. “Luke, he let me go. Over and over again, he’s watched me walk away countless times.”

“Emmy, he’s trying to do what he thinks is best for you,” Luke said softly. He put his empty glass on the desk. “Mason watches you leave because he thinks he’s already lost you. Believe me, he still thinks of you.”

I watched Luke down the rest of his glass and walk out of my office. I wished that he had some other answer for me, something simpler. His steps echoed down the hallways as he went towards the elevator. Maybe he was right, maybe I did still think of Mason. If that was the case, what did it mean for my future? Was I destined to always pine for someone knowing that it wouldn’t work out in the long run? God, I hoped not.

 

***

 

“It’s mistletoe. You have to kiss!” A drunken voice called out.

Adam pulled me in and I gasped as his lips lightly brushed against mine. I tightened my hold on his arms. My grip on him was the only thing keeping me upright. His hand tipped my jaw back and he deepened the kiss.

It wasn’t enough. I need more; all I want is his arms around me and his lips on mine. My shaking fingers grasped tighter into his collar. As quickly as the kiss began, it ended. He grabbed my hand and pulled me behind him as he walked towards the stairs.

“We need to talk.”

He pulled me through the crowds of people at the party, easily pushing his way past people vying for our attention. The door to my bedroom opened and he pulled me in behind him.

“Em, why haven’t you started the fertility treatments yet? You keep saying you want to have a baby before you turn thirty.”

My mouth dropped open in shock. “You want to talk about this now, Adam? Really? You know that finding out Mason hadn’t filed—”

“Don’t give me that bullshit! You’re hiding behind that stupid excuse and you know it.” He ran his fingers through his hair. Maybe it was the haze of alcohol, but it was actually sexy seeing him this fired up. “You hide behind that ring like it will actually keep you safe from what you’re feeling for me.”

I put my hands on my hips and glared at him in the dim light.  

“Tell me you don’t feel something between us? Something that’s been building for months and that scares the hell out of you.”

His eyes were pleading, begging me to tell him the truth and finally be honest about my feelings. The truth scared the hell out of me though because that meant I might actually be moving on with my life. It meant that I could actually choose to live a life without Mason.

”Of course I do,” I whispered.

Before the words were even out of my mouth, he pulled me against him. As he pressed his hard body into mine, the evidence of how much chemistry there truly was between us showed clearly. His mouth crashed down on mine and my fingers itched to thread themselves through his hair. There’s so much passion and pent up sexual frustration, I couldn’t breathe. I grabbed at his shirt to deepen the kiss even more. His hands lifted me up and my legs wrapped around his waist automatically. I shivered as his hand traveled up my thigh, fingering the edge of my short sequined dress. My shoes dropped to the ground, although both of us ignored them, lost in these new feelings we are finally allowing ourselves to explore.

He backed us towards the bed, laying me down on the cool sheets. Something shifted between us. Adam isn’t just the guy I have a crush on, he’s a strong, sexy man who can make me feel things I’ve missed. He makes me feel sexy again, that I haven’t lost my way even though I’ve lost my ability to have children. My entire body trembled as he stood up and looked down at me through hooded eyes. He shook his head, almost a regretful action, and took a step back.

“No matter how much we want this, you’re still married. My ex-wife cheated on me and I won’t do it to anyone else, no matter how much I hate Mason for how he’s treated you over the past year. It doesn’t matter how upset I am at you for letting him control you from eight hundred miles away, we can’t do it.”

I was so confused. He was the one pushing for this. Why was he pulling back now? I’d literally just found out that I wasn’t divorced yesterday, so why did it matter now? We’ve been fighting this for so long. I just wanted him to make me feel good, but instead of asking him, I sat there silently, waiting for him to go on.

“Listen to me, Emerald; I want to be with you. You know I want the kids, the house, the whole picture and I want every bit of that with you. I want you to have my babies, but we can’t have that unless you figure out what’s going on with Mason. If you want me, you know what you need to do.”

He slowly backed away, but I reached out and caught his hand before he was out of reach.

“Adam, I’m—”

The look on his face made me suck in a breath. He wanted this as much as I did and he was holding back; out of respect for Mase, or respect for me, I wasn’t sure which. He paused as he reached out to brush my face with his fingertips.

“Adam, I’m going to be out of town for a few days. I just thought you should know.”

He nodded his head once and turned to walk out of the room without another word, leaving me shocked to my core behind him, still lying on the bed, where I so desperately wanted him to make love to me only minutes before.

I woke up with a start. It wasn’t Christmas, but it certainly felt like it. These dreams were getting more intense. My nights were filled with either Adam or Mason. Why couldn’t I choose? Why did I even feel like I had to choose? Hadn’t I done that when I divorced Mason in the first place?

My head ached.

It took me a few minutes to drag myself from my bed and go down to the kitchen. I didn’t bother turning on any lights. It would only keep me up longer if I did.

I was over how miserable I felt all the time. I rested my head against the cool metal of the refrigerator. Realistically, I knew what I needed to do. There were too many unanswered questions between Mason and me. It left me vulnerable. Maybe if I heard the whole story about John and Aubrey from him it would help. It was possible that my head would clear up if he actually came clean about everything that had happened in that period of our lives. It was also entirely possible that it wouldn’t help a damn thing and I would feel worse about the whole situation. All I wanted was the truth. I could decide where to go from there.