Taylor was distracted all night, lost in her thoughts and hopefully trying to figure out what to do with her Stephen situation. Me on the other hand, I hadn’t figured out a damn thing. I was still just as mixed up as I had been back in New York. Time and distance weren’t helping me stop thinking about Mason, the divorce, or my feelings about Adam and how to handle our relationship. Why was I even thinking about Mason? He didn’t have a place in my future, but I couldn’t get him out of my head.

We ended up at the pool again the next morning. Between the drinks and the lack of sleep, I took advantage of having my best friend there. I couldn’t help the word vomit from coming out of my mouth.

“I still love Mason.”

Taylor sat up and looked over at me, dropping her sunglasses down on the bridge of her nose. I stayed on my back with my eyes closed. I couldn’t stand to look at her right now.

“What are you going to do?”

She didn’t sound shocked or disappointed.

“Fuck if I know. Adam is amazing, but I still have this deep connection with Mase. I want to hate him, but I can’t.”

“You guys have been together since you were sixteen. He’s not a bad guy, Em. He’s just…lost. You can see it every time you look at him.”

I sighed. “So am I. I really thought I could move on, but I think I’m kidding myself.”

I was bound to be in love with a guy that couldn’t or wouldn’t ever love me back. My future was starting to look bleak.

“Have you had closure with Mason? Not just you telling him he’s a prick for not filing the divorce papers, but actually discussed everything with him?” I didn’t answer. How could I answer that? “You can’t ignore him and hope he goes away.” She continued. “He will always be a significant part of your past. And exhausting yourself with work isn’t going to help.”

“I’m not trying to hide behind my work,” I argued.

“You didn’t even come out for Vi’s baby shower.”

“I was busy,” I defended. She raised an eyebrow. “Fine. I concede to the work shit.”

“Just talk to Mase.”

I couldn’t fight back the tears any longer. I started to cry, and Taylor sat up quickly.

“Em, what’s wrong?”

It took me a few minutes to pull myself together enough to start talking. God, I hated crying. I never cried, but it seemed like that was all I did lately.

“When I left Mason, I was pregnant.” Her mouth dropped open, but I needed to tell her. It wasn’t fair that Lexi had to keep my secrets. “I spent too much time trying to figure out how to tell him, but in the end it didn't matter. It was an ectopic pregnancy. I had to have emergency surgery, and now I don’t know if I can even have kids. Adam started out as my doctor, but now he’s offering me everything. He wants to be the father to my babies. I'll need to do IVF if I want to get pregnant.”

She moved over to my pool chair and wrapped her arms around me tightly. I was so happy she was here and I could finally tell her about everything. It had been so hard trying to keep everything inside for so long. Taylor was the person that I told everything to. Being across the country from her sucked.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I’ve been in denial, or shock. Lexi’s been listening to me bitch. I’m embarrassed.” I shrugged. “Take your pick.”

She cocked her head to the side in confusion. “Why are you embarrassed?”

“I don’t know.” I sniffed once. My tears were starting to dry up, but now I was left with a runny nose and red eyes.

Fucking great.

“If you’d called me, I would have been there in a second.”

“I know.” I hung my head in my hands. “That’s why I missed Violet’s baby shower, not work. I just couldn’t be there. I’m a horrible friend because I couldn’t make myself go. After everything, I buried myself in work and tried to figure things out with Adam. I haven’t even told Mase,” I whispered.

“Oh, honey. You need to. That's something you can't keep from him.”

I bit my lip. “I know, but I’m not sure how he’ll react. We’re not together and I thought we were divorced when it happened.”

“He’s going to be hurt that you didn’t tell him sooner, but he will support you.”

“I wanted the baby,” I admitted for the first time out loud. Even with Lexi and Adam I hadn’t been able to talk about how much I wanted the baby.

An onslaught of new tears hit, and she pulled me in closer.

“I'm so sorry, Emmy.”

We sat there, holding on to each other and letting go of all the heartache that had been chipping away at us for so long. She had been sleepwalking through life after Stephen; and I had been doing the same thing since my move to New York. It needed to end. Something had to give.

“We’re going to be okay,” she whispered. “Somehow, we'll make it through this.”

This was why she was my best friend.

 

***

 

As I curled up in bed for my nap, I couldn't stop the thoughts running around in my head. I tossed and turned, fighting back stupid what ifs. Telling Taylor about the miscarriage had brought up the old feelings of what it would have been like if the baby had actually made it. I stared into the dark as I finally gave in to the memories.

 

"Alexis, I got here as fast as I could. What happened?" A male voice I didn’t recognize. If I turned my head I could see who it was, but I didn’t have the energy.

"Oh thank God, Adam.” I could hear relief in Lexi’s voice, but I still couldn’t make myself care enough to move. “She collapsed in her office. She’s three and a half months pregnant. I don’t know any of the doctors here and that always makes me nervous. Em had an appointment scheduled with you for next week."

"Controlling as ever huh Lexi?” He sounded muffled as he moved across the room, but apparently he knew her well if he understood her controlling tendencies. “I’ll do what I can. Do you know if she’s had any bleeding?"

"They wouldn’t tell me in the ER, so I don’t know, and these assholes won’t let me look at her chart. They keep telling me I’m too close to this one. These nurses are on my fucking list. One of our friends called me when he found her. I rushed over and met the ambulance."

"I’ll get you news as soon as I can."

"Thank you, Adam. I can’t thank you enough for coming."

Their voices moved further away. I could hear other people talking around me, but I couldn’t respond. I just wanted to answer Lexi; she was so worried. My body ached as I became more conscious. The nightmare in front of me was a reality I didn’t want to face. No one had to tell me that I had miscarried; I felt the sense of loss immediately. Alexis had been talking to the doctor she’d handpicked for me, right outside my door, but it’s not like I needed him now.

People moved around the small hospital room, but I couldn’t process what was going on. Darkness overtook me again. I didn’t fight against it this time.

As I woke up the next time, I remembered the calming cadence of a male voice. I strained to remember who he was talking to. Alexis? No, that wasn’t right. He’d been comforting me, not speaking to someone else.

How did I remember that?

After what seemed like hours later, they finally let Lexi back into my room. She had tears in her blue eyes when I looked over at her, showing an overwhelming amount of sympathy. Tears pricked at my own eyes as I stared at her. My best friend felt my pain like it was her own.

It took me losing the baby to realize this hadn’t just been an exciting thing for me, Lexi had been excited too. Maybe because she wanted a baby, but with her schedule at the hospital and hectic lifestyle, that possibility seemed so far away? Whatever it was, she was there for me, showing unconditional support. And I was so thankful for her.

She sat down and took my hand in hers. “Dr. Parker said there was nothing that anyone could have done.” Her choked voice was almost my undoing. “He still wants to see you next week though because he saw something that he wants to look into further. They did a D&C because you were fourteen weeks along and they didn’t think it was safe without one.”

I turned away and faced the wall. “I don’t ever want Mason to know.”

“You don’t have to tell him, honey.”

“Luke found me?”

She ran a hand up and down the sheet covering me, fussing with straightening it. “Yes, he’s in the waiting room. He wanted to be with you when you woke up, but they would only let one of us back here at a time. We’ve been switching every hour or so.”

I turned back to her. “Hour or so? How long have I been out?”

“About four hours. Dr. Parker gave you something for the pain. I knew it would probably keep you out for a while, but you know Luke. He’s stubborn as hell.”

“Dr. Parker is the OB you wanted me to see?”

I was so sick of asking all these damn questions. There weren’t actual answers for what happened, so why did it even matter?

“Yeah. He’s the best in the city. He came as soon as he got my call.”

She stared down at our hands. I cleared my throat and I pinned her with a hard look when she looked up at me. “Lexi, I know you better than anyone and I know you want to go call Mason right now, but I’ve been gone for almost four months and he hasn’t called. He hasn’t called,” I stressed. “Not once. He didn’t want me before and this won’t change a damn thing. I noticed that you didn’t say you wouldn’t call him, just that I didn’t have to.” She looked away, proving to me that I was right. “Please, I’m begging you, don’t call him. I’m not ready for that. For him. It’s too much.”

Tears dripped down my face. The hard set of her jaw made me think for a second that she might fight me on this, but to my surprise, she didn’t.

“I promise I won’t call him. I don’t like it, but you have your reasons and I’ll respect them.” She kissed my forehead and stood up. “Try to get some sleep. I’m going to go tell Luke you’re awake.”

The last thought I had before I finally slipped back into sleep was that this was my punishment for deciding not to tell Mason about the baby.

 

Tears streamed down my face, but I didn’t wipe them away. I wanted to feel all the pain from the day, wallow in all the misery. It might have been to punish myself, or maybe it was to reassure myself that I hadn’t trusted Mason then and I shouldn’t trust him now. I wasn’t sure, but I knew the pain was keeping me grounded. Making irrational decisions wasn’t something that I normally did, so I needed to think through my decision about the IVF, something I’d been putting off for way too long already.

Everything about the divorce, the miscarriage, and if I wanted to have a baby swirled around in my head until it all became one thing. I still had time, but eventually, sooner rather than later, I would need to decide if I wanted to become a mom. My choices were limited. Would I ever be ready to be a single mom? Probably not, but becoming a mom wasn't an experience I was willing to give up, with or without a man.

 

***

 

Maybe we shouldn’t have drank that night after all the heavy things we’d talked about, but the liquor went down easy as we watched cheesy chick flicks in our suite. Dinner had been a somber affair, so maybe that was why we decided to open the vodka. Whatever bad decision that led us to it, I regretted the hell out of it this morning. The hangover was worse than anything I’d had in years.

Taylor drug me out of bed to go get breakfast, which helped, but I wasn’t thrilled about leaving my dark bedroom. Armed with dark, polarized aviators and big floppy hats, we decided to spend our last day down at the pool and stare at the cabana boy again. I’d been right and he did try to get our section every day while we were there. Taylor and I kept our conversation light, none of the heavy hitting stuff like the day before. Neither one of us wanted our vacation to end on such a sour note. Plus, I was emotionally drained.

I hugged Taylor tightly at the airport. Being around her had helped, even though it was a short trip. Living across the country from each other hadn’t been easy after spending our whole childhood right down the street, but we were making it work.

“So you’re coming for Harper’s first birthday, right?”

I winced. “I’m going to try, but I might have to go to England on business.”

She smiled sadly. “Okay, jet setter; make sure you call at least. We’ll miss you.”

“If I could be there I would,” I whispered. When she nodded, I knew she understood my double meaning. “Tell everyone I love them and miss them.”

I pulled back from our hug and picked up my bags.

“Hey Em?” I looked up at my best friend. “Just be happy. It doesn’t matter if it’s with Adam or Mason, just make sure you’re happy.”

I nodded. “You too, Taylor. If you want to be with Stephen, tell him. He deserves to know and you deserve to be happy.”

She waved as I walked towards my gate. Her words echoed through my head. Be happy. It seemed so simple. Actually getting to that point wasn’t though. Now, I had to figure out what I was going to do to make it happen. A guy wasn’t going to make me happy, but maybe allowing myself to move on might help. As I settled into my seat, I put my earbuds in and tried to think about what made me happy.

I had six and a half hours to figure it out.