Nash

After finishing up a small piece on a new client, I walk her up front and let Dani take the payment.

The sound of Royal singing along to his Spotify playlist echoes down the hallway and I cast a wistful glance in that direction. I feel Dani’s eyes on me and reluctantly turn back to face her.

“Let’s go grab some coffee,” she suggests.

I nod in agreement.

“Why so glum, sugarplum?” Dani asks, linking her arm with mine and steering me in the direction of her favorite coffee shop. I bite my bottom lip, as I wrestle with whether or not to tell her my dilemma. Obviously she’s not going to judge me, and I know she won’t blab to Royal.

“It’s kind of personal,” I hedge.

“One time, I was giving a guy a blowjob and I was super drunk. I tried to deep throat, and ended up puking right on his dick.”

I wrinkle my nose at the image and shake my head to try to dispel it.

“Why would you tell me that?”

“Because now I’ve told you something embarrassing and personal, it’s your turn.”

I groan and plop down at one of the tables on the sidewalk of the coffee shop and then wait while Dani runs in to get her caffeine fix.

“Okay, now spill,” she instructs as soon as she returns with her drink.

“The past few weeks I’ve been having these dreams…” I run my fingers through my hair and let out a long breath. “The dreams start out with Royal and me having sex with a girl. But then the girl disappears, and it’s just the two of us…” I trail off, letting Dani fill in the rest of the details herself.

I’m not about to tell her how hot the dreams are or that sometimes Royal’s boyfriend is there too. She doesn’t need to know how hard my dick is when I wake up with images in my mind of Royal pinned beneath me. Or how insane it’s driving me to know he’s with Zade now and even if I wanted to explore these feelings with him, I’ve missed my chance.

“I’m not understanding the problem,” she says.

“I think I might have a crush on Royal,” I finally put into words the thing that’s been gnawing at the back of my mind. I don’t just want to fuck Royal. I have feelings for him.

“So why not tell him?”

“I can’t do that. He’s seeing Zade, and I don’t even know what any of this means. Maybe I’m going through a phase or something.”

Dani snorts in derision and pins me with an exasperated look.

“Do you think you’re bi?”

“Maybe, I guess. I always thought of myself as sort of heteroflexible. I never fantasized about doing anything with Royal, or any other guy, but in the moment it always felt good. Now, I can’t stop thinking about him, and wanting him. And…”

“And what?”

“I watched some gay porn, just to sort of check. I liked it... a lot,” I admit.

“Okay, Royal is your best friend. If you talk to him about this I’m sure he’ll be willing to do anything to help you work through it.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” I concede with a sigh. That means I’ll have to work up the balls to tell him, though.

“Of course I’m right. Grow a pair and tell your best friend you want to fuck him. Simple.”

I groan in frustration.

“I know, you can tell him tonight when we all go out to the bar,” Dani suggests. “A little alcohol will help.”

“Maybe,” I mumble, the idea both exciting and terrifying me.

 

After weeks of hiding out and struggling to cope with everything Madden sent out a group text this morning inviting us all to meet at the bar tonight. It wasn’t lost on any of us what a big deal this is for him.

So, after we shut down Heathens Ink for the night Adam, Dani, Royal, Gage, and I head over to our favorite bar down the street.

“Is Zade meeting us there?” Adam asks.

“Yeah, he texted me ten minutes ago, he’s already there waiting,” Royal says, lighting a cigarette and slipping it between his lips.

Reaching over I snatch the cancer stick out of his mouth and flick it to the sidewalk. Royal opens his mouth to protest and I shoot him a ‘don’t even start’ glare. He sighs but doesn’t argue or go for another cigarette.

“I hope that fine ass bartender is working tonight,” Dani says.

“The one with all the ink?” Gage asks knowingly.

“Obviously.”

“Excuse me, but he is a human being not an object. His name is not ‘fine ass bartender’, it’s Beau,” Royal corrects with haughty indignation.

“You totally slept with him, didn’t you?” Dani guesses.

“Yes, but don’t worry he swings both ways,” Royal assures her with a wink.

When we get to the bar Royal wastes no time jumping on his boyfriend and devouring his face. The weird part is I can’t even tell which man I’m jealous of.

Actually, if I’m being honest it’s not even jealousy. I don’t have the urge to march over there and stake a claim on either one of them or anything so caveman-ish. I want to kiss them, too. I want Zade to set Royal down when they’re finished kissing, and then grab me by the back of the neck the way he does to Royal, and pull me into a kiss of my own. Yes, I want to kiss Zade, but I also want to taste Royal on his lips. Having one man without the other feels like only half of what I’m desperate for.

When Madden and Thane show up a little later it’s clear they’ve patched things up and Madden is doing better than ever. There’s a happy glow about him I’m not sure I’ve ever seen before.

“He looks happy,” Royal says, sidling up beside me, looking at Madden and Thane flirting and dancing.

“Yeah, he does,” I agree.

“Think there’s a girl out there good enough for you?” Royal asks, bumping his shoulder against mine and giving me a small smile.

The words are on the tip of my tongue to tell him there isn’t a girl for me because I’m in love with him, and I was too stupid to see it until it was too late.

“Doubt it,” I say with a sad chuckle.

Royal’s head falls on my shoulder. I close my eyes and savor the warmth of him so near. When I open them again I catch Zade’s gaze from across the bar and I’m left breathless by the raw longing in his eyes as he looks between Royal and me. Is it at all possible he could want what I want? Could Royal ever want it, too?

 

Royal

I yawn and stretch, trying not to wake Zade, who seems to be out like a light. The self-satisfied grin on my face is totally justified. After we got home from the bar I rocked his world.

Glancing over at my digital clock I notice it’s three in the morning. Why in god’s name I’m awake, I couldn’t tell you. Now that I am awake I have to pee like a racehorse. I ease out of bed, careful not to jostle Zade too much. He grumbles in his sleep and rolls over.

As I tiptoe out of my bedroom I’m surprised to find Nash awake as well. After I use the bathroom I plop down on the couch beside Nash. He’s watching some weird Nazi documentary and only nods to acknowledge my presence when I join him.              

“Couldn’t sleep?”

Nash shrugs, still not looking my way.

“You know you can talk to me about anything, don’t you, Nash?” I press, putting a hand on his shoulder.

He finally turns to look at me and I notice that his hair is disheveled like he’s been running his hands through it, and his bottom lip is swollen. Something’s been bothering him enough to be obsessing over.

“I don’t want to make things weird between us,” Nash hedges.

“You are my best friend on the entire planet. There is no way you could make things weird between us. Just tell me what’s going on with you.”

Nash takes a deep breath and turns to look back at the television, but grabs my hand like he needs support while he tells me whatever it is.

“If this conversation gets awkward can we pretend it never happened?”

“Sure.”

“Alright, here’s the thing. I think I might be bi,” he blurts.

A jolt hits me right in the stomach and steals my breath.

“Oh?” I manage before I pull in a few breaths and formulate a more coherent response. “What lead you to that conclusion?” Not the brightest question, but cut me some slack.

“I’ve been having these dreams,”

“Oh?” Goddammit, think of something better to say.

“About you.”

His words are more beautiful than a choir of fucking angels. Not fucking angel’s, you know what I mean.

“You’re having sex dreams about me?” I clarify.

His cheeks flame red and that’s all the answer I need. I lunge at him, claiming his lips with my own, savoring the sweet taste. Sure, I’ve sucked his dick a few times, but I’ve never been allowed to kiss him before. To my relief he relaxes into the kiss, his lips parting, and his hands fisting the front of my shirt.

Nash let’s out a whimper as I flick my tongue along his bottom lip before plunging it into his mouth. To my surprise he sucks my tongue and then grabs me by the hair, tilts my head back, and deepens the kiss.  Holy fuck this boy can kiss. I moan into his mouth, as his hands begin to fumble with my jeans.

“Wait,” I gasp reluctantly as my brain chooses a few seconds too late to remind me that not only do I have a boyfriend, he’s in a sex coma in the next room while I suck my roommate’s face off. “Fuck, I shouldn’t have done that.”

Nash frowns and touches his fingers to his lips, like he’s trying to hang on to the sensation of the kiss. Another jolt of lust hits me in the gut.

“I’m going to go to bed and we’ll finish talking about this in the morning, okay?”

Nash nods but doesn’t say anything as I dart for my room before I can do any other stupid shit.

Zade is still sound asleep, but as I pull the covers back and climb in beside him, he rolls toward me and wraps me in his arms.

My heart constricts. If you’d have told me two months ago that Nash might be bi and have feelings for me, I’d have been jumping for joy. Part of me still is. I mean, fuck, I’ve loved the man for eight years. He’s everything I thought I always wanted.

Laying here in Zade’s arms, it’s not as easy as it should be to be excited about Nash. I haven’t known Zade long, but my feelings for him are just as real as my feelings for Nash. I can’t choose between them, it would be impossible. They’re so different, but both exactly what I need.

Zade is strong and fierce, but needs me to soothe something deep inside of him. He’s sarcastic and up for anything. I never thought I’d meet a man who’d be willing to face down any challenge I could throw at him, and level me with challenges of his own.

Then there’s Nash. He’s my best friend, my hero, the man who’s held my heart since I was sixteen. Nash is kind and quiet. He calms the chaos I love to create. He levels me out. And, he needs me too.

I want them both in every possible way. I’ll never be able to choose.

 

I wake up to the feeling of Zade’s strong body pinning me down, his lips on my neck and his erection pressed to mine. This is what fantasies are made of.

I let out a low moan as he sucks my neck, and then he kisses his way up to my mouth. His tongue tangles with mine in a sensual dance. My hands roam up under his shirt and trace the dips of his abs as I travel upward, reveling in the feel of his muscles under my fingers. Zade pulls back just long enough to tug his shirt over his head and toss it aside, and I do the same.

Zade grabs the back of my head and hauls me into another toe-curling kiss, every sensation amplified by the feel of skin gliding against skin.

That’s when three a.m. comes rushing back to me. Nash’s lips on mine, my tongue in his mouth. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

“What’s wrong?” Zade asks, pulling back and gazing down at me with concern. “You got tense all the sudden.”

“I have to tell you something.”

“Right now? Or can it wait until after I make you come so hard you see stars?” Zade teases a finger along the waist of my boxers and dips his head down to nibble along my shoulder.

“It should really be now,” I answer with reluctance.

Zade sits back on his haunches and frowns.

“You remember the conversation we had about Nash a few weeks ago?”

“About how he’s an unattainable hottie?”

“Yeah...turns out he might not be so unattainable.”

Zade’s head whips up and a smile spreads across his lips.

“Fuck, you scared me for a second. I thought you were going to break-up with me or something. Did something happen with Nash?”

“Yeah. I’m so fucking sorry, and I’m so confused. In the middle of the night I got up to go to the bathroom, and he was out there looking so miserable. I pushed him to talk to me and he told me he might be bi, and then I kissed him. I’m the worst boyfriend ever,” I berate myself.

Zade cups my jaw and presses his lips to mine to stop my rambling.

“I’m not mad,” Zade assures me.

“You’re not? Why?” I ask skeptically.

Zade lays back down on the bed and pulls me into his arms, soothing his fingers through my hair and forcing me to relax.

“I can’t choose, Zade. I want you both,” I lament.

“What if I told you, you’d never have to choose?”

“What do you mean?”

“I wasn’t sure if I should tell you sooner or not, but this seems like a good enough time. I’m polyamorous, so I totally get it that you have feelings for both of us. I think you should talk to Nash more, but as far as I’m concerned you can have us both.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really.” Zade bites his lip like he’s considering his next words carefully. “I...kind of like Nash too. I feel like he'd be good for us. Like he'd balance us out.”

Part of me feels like I should feel slighted. Like, I'm somehow not enough for Zade. But all I feel is excitement and relief.

“I mean, if Nash isn't into the idea I still won't begrudge you having both of us separately, but if he does want this I think it could be great.”

I think it could be better than great. Just the thought of the three of us together seems right, like it’s how it's meant to be.

 

An hour and an orgasm later Zade and I are in search of coffee. When I notice that Nash’s bedroom door is open but he’s nowhere in sight my stomach lurches.

“What’s wrong, babe?” Zade asks.

“I was kind of shitty to Nash last night. I felt guilty when I kissed him, because I didn’t want to hurt you, so I sort of ran out on him. He’d just confessed that he might be bisexual and I abandoned him, like he was worried I would.”  

“Alright, I’m going to make this a to-go coffee for you, then you’re going to go down to Heathens and find your man and smooth things over with him,” Zade says with authority.

“I thought you were my man,” I tease, pinching one of the high, round globes of his ass.

“I am,” Zade wraps an arm around my waist and tugs me close, kissing me fiercely.

The words ‘I love you’ are at the tip of my tongue, but it feels too soon. So instead I kiss him harder, let my body say what my brain isn’t quite ready to yet.