“Luka, make love to me,” my girl pleads, looking up at me. We’re stretched out on the seat of my truck, her under me, and her body pressed into mine.

“I don’t want to take your virginity in the front seat of my old truck, Pixie. You deserve more than that.”

“I want to belong to you.”

“You do. You’re mine, I’m yours. That’s not changing.”

“Don’t you want to make love to me?” she asks, and even in the darkened cab I can see the tears well up in her eyes—eyes that have wrapped me up in their spell since the first day I saw her, eyes that should never cry. As one big tear slides off of her eyelashes and down her face, I kiss it away.

“More than you will ever know, sweetheart. We just need to wait until your family knows I’m your man, until—”

“No one else matters, Luka. I know you’re my man. Please make love to me. Make me yours in every way,” she pleads, and there’s no way I’m strong enough to deny her. She’s right. She’s mine, and I’m never letting her go.

* * *

Present:

Is that what I am now? Just the father of her child? Her words wound—even as the fact that she stood up to Ida Sue soothes me. We’ve been bowling for an hour, and it’s been an hour of pure torture, and yet I can’t make myself leave. Gray, C.C., Kayla, and Tani have gone to the restaurant on the first floor of the building. Ida Sue disappeared as soon as Petal called her out, and now Black, White, Petal, and I are the only ones left. Petal’s off by herself with River. They’re coloring. I watch them while Black and White are talking. I couldn’t for the life of me tell you what they are saying. In fact, their voices are annoying the hell out of me. I can’t pull my face away from my family. Mine. Why can’t Petal see that?

I walk over to her, leaving her brothers behind. Her gaze comes up to me once I’m standing beside her. The words I want to say freeze in my throat. I take the easy escape and direct my attention to my son. “Mommy helping you color?”

“Mommy colors pretty,” River says, and I look over at Petal and give her a smile.

“That she does,” I agree while staring at her. “Can I talk to you over here for a minute?” I ask Petal, trying to get up my nerve.

“Uh… sure. Mommy will be right over there, little man,” she says, moving her fingers through his shaggy hair and then following me to the corner. “What’s up?” she asks, putting her hands in her back pockets. The move thrusts her breasts out, and for a moment I allow myself the pleasure of staring at them. I can’t resist. With most women, I would think it was something she did on purpose—a way of flaunting her body and teasing me with what I can’t have anymore. We’ve been apart too long for that to be the purpose, however. Plus, I know Petal, and because I know her, I realize that this is a nervous gesture for her. It’s how she stops herself from fidgeting with her hands.

“I’m sorry about tonight. I didn’t realize you would be here, or I wouldn’t have come here. With Tani, I mean.”

“I don’t have a problem with Tani,” she says, refusing to look in my eyes.

“Good, then,” I answer, suddenly feeling stupid.

“I mean, we’ve been divorced for over a year really. I was bound to see you out on a date sooner or later,” she continues. She’s right, and I guess that’s just one more sign that I’m stupid.

“You’re right. I was just worrying for nothing. I didn’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

“I’m fine, Luka,” she answers—her voice tight. “We’re in the past.”

“I know. Trust me, I know more than anyone. I wasn’t the one who walked away,” I growl. I lean into her, my hand goes up on the wall boxing her in aggressively. No one pushes my buttons like this woman.

“What do you want from me, Luka? Do you want to hear me say that I hate seeing you with other women? Of course I do. Wouldn’t it bother you if you saw me with another man?”

“I’d want to kill him,” I growl, leaning even closer to her and lowering my voice so no one but us can hear the conversation. Her eyes go round, even dilating, right before I see the anger spark inside of them.

“You don’t think I don’t feel the exact same thing? What do you want from me, Luka? We’re divorced. It’s over!”

“And whose fault is that, Petal? You didn’t give me a choice in that either. Fuck it. I’m done with this. I can’t keep cutting my heart out over you.” Anger is so thick in my words that you can cut it with a knife. It’s ridiculous that after all of the lies between us that I let Petal get to me. She walked out on me, and here I am a year after our divorce, still being drawn to her. I’m a fucking idiot.

I push away from the wall, away from her. I need out of here. I’ll tell River goodbye and pick Tani up at the restaurant and then I’ll grab a bottle and drink until I just don’t give a fuck anymore. “Little man, Daddy’s gonna go. I’ll pick you up tomorrow after I get off work, okay?”

“I don’t want you to leave. Can’t you go home with me and Mommy?” he asks innocently.

I look over at Petal, and in that moment, I think I hate her. Petal swallows, her teeth coming down to gnaw on the corner of her mouth.

“I’m sorry, buddy. But we’ll have fun tomorrow. I promise.” I kneel down and pull him into my arms.

He pulls back to look me in the eyes. “You promise?”

“I promise. Now don’t you cry on me. What does Daddy always tell you?”

“Big boys don’t cry.”

“Exactly. Now you turn back around and continue drawing me a pretty picture to hang on the fridge at home. This is good. Who is it?” I ask, looking down at his picture to distract him. The paper he’s drawing on has circles on it and lines around them. Experience has taught me that these are people and hair.

“That’s me,” he says, pointing, “and this is you, and this is Mommy holding my bunny w’abbit.”

“You don’t have a bunny rabbit, little man,” I tell him, my heart hurting at his picture… at what I’ve lost.

“You can buy me one,” he says so innocently. Petal even manages a laugh, even though it’s stiff.

“We’ll see, buddy. Now who else is in the picture?”

“That’s your girlfriend Tan-knee.”

Petal’s indrawn breath makes me look at her. Her face is pale white, and those blue eyes are shining extra bright… with moisture. I manage to get up and walk away without another word.

It’s over. I can’t let this pain swallow me up. Petal wanted this. I don’t have a choice.