“I told you I don’t want River at that man’s house! You know that, Luka!” I yell, feeling desperation circle in on me.

“That man is my father, Lo’! He has a right to spend time with his only grandchild!” Luka growls back at me.

He doesn’t understand. He thinks I’m being unreasonable. He doesn’t have any idea what a bastard his father is. The thought of that man around my child chills me to the bone. The few times I’ve had to be in a room with him have been hard enough.

Maybe I am being unreasonable. I don’t have proof exactly that he did anything to my mom. She refuses to even discuss it, but just from the man’s comments, I know something happened. I have a feeling deep inside of me that tells me whatever it was, it wasn’t good. I know that’s what is behind my mom’s resentment of Luka.

I haven’t pushed it further. How can I? What if I’m right? If I find out that my father-in-law in fact raped my mother…

Just the thought causes bile to rise up in my throat. I can’t allow that man to be alone with my son—or to be around my son at all. I can’t let a monster have any influence over my child.

“He has zero right when it comes to River,” I tell Luka, but I’m mostly speaking the thought aloud to remind myself. I turn away from Luka to grab my jacket off the side of the couch.

“Where are you going?” Luka questions, clearly exasperated with me.

“I’m going to go get my son,” I tell him, turning to head for the door. My hand is on the knob about ready to turn it when Luka says something that hurts me deeper than anything we’ve said to each other to date.

“Will you quit being stupid, Petal? I swear, I can’t stand it when you act like an immature brat just because you don’t get your way.”

“Luka,” I start. Having him call me stupid feels like he’s carving my heart out of my chest. I want to tell him to stop, to let him know how much he just hurt me, but he doesn’t let me say anything. He has no interest in what I have to say. I’m starting to wonder if he’s listened to anything I’ve said to him since the day he found out I lied.

“I’ve had enough of this shit. River is staying with my father tonight and that’s it.”

“That’s not it. I forbid it,” I state, standing up to Luka like I never have before.

“You don’t have a say. Short of a court order that says he can’t, then nothing can stop a grandparent from spending time with their grandchild—especially when a parent agrees.”

“Luka—”

“And last time I checked, I was still River’s father, Petal.”

“So, nothing I say matters? You don’t care how I feel? I’ve tried and tried to talk to you about your father!”

“You’ve always had it out for my father. I know he can be harsh—”

“Harsh? He’s a monster, Luka.”

“Quit exaggerating Petal. I’m not listening to this anymore.

“Then I want a divorce,” I whisper, the words out before I know it. The words being torn from my very soul.

The words that would change my life forever…

* * *

Present:

“Hey, honey,” Luka says into the phone.

I get tingly all over. I swear his voice—all slumbered and soft—makes my toes curl. We’ve been kind of together now for three months.

Kind of together…

Crap. I don’t know what you call it. I’d say sleeping together, but not much sleep has been going on. I’d say having sex, but there’s actually been very little insert-penis-inside-the-hole type of sex. Lots of oral sex, and definitely loads of foreplay, but except for that first night…

It’s been great yet frustrating at the same time. If we don’t go all the way again—and soon—I may lose my mind.

“Hey,” I answer softly, curling into my pillow.

“Did you make it there okay?”

“Yeah, I got in around three.”

“I hate that I couldn’t take you.” Luka sighs, and I have to agree with him. The owner of the salon asked me to attend a tradeshow in Dallas with her. It’s spotlighting the hottest designs and trends in our industry and some of the newest equipment on the market. I didn’t really want to go. I hate the idea of being away from River. He’s getting sick, and I hate not being close to him.

I can’t lie either. I hate being away from Luka, too. Being away from him might give him time to think twice about whatever we’re doing together. He might decide to end it if I’m not there reminding him why he shouldn’t—and I think that might kill me.

I’m not sure what we’re doing together or where it might go, but somewhere in the back of my head, I’m praying a miracle happens and I finally get the life I’ve always wanted with Luka. I know we still have the world between us, but we’re older now. We’re wiser too, and surely there has to be a way to make it all work out.

I know I’m probably fooling myself, but I have to believe it. I have to.

“I hate it, too.” I grin into the phone. “But if you had, we probably wouldn’t have made it here,” I add, only half joking.

“What are you implying?”

“I’m not implying. I’m saying flat-out that we would have still been in the bathroom of the service station I filled my car up at,” I say with a laugh.

“You didn’t complain last time we played in a bathroom,” he murmurs. His voice is dropping down a notch and making me feel all warm and soft.

“That’s because the last time we played in a bathroom, it was at Legions,” I tell him, naming the local steakhouse just outside of Mason.

“I thought you liked Legions?” Luka asks innocently.

“I do, but their bathrooms are clean. Gas station restrooms, not so much.”

“I bet I could have made you like it.”

“Probably.” I’m not even bothering to deny it.

“I miss you baby,” he whispers, and maybe it’s wishful thinking, but I think he’s smiling.

“I miss you, too.”

“Hurry home soon.”

I want to ask him what would happen if I moved in his house when I got back. I want to ask him what we’re doing here, or how much longer it will last. I have so many questions, but I’m terrified to ask any of them.

“I will,” I answer lamely—refusing to give voice to all my other questions.

“When you get back, we need to… Shit, honey. Hold on a second. My beeper is going off.”

“Okay.” I’m instantly worried. Luka might only be the sheriff in a small town, but that can still be dangerous, and having his beeper go off this close to midnight is never a good thing. I wait in silence for him to come back to the phone, and I wonder exactly what he started to say. Is he tired of keeping our relationship quiet, too? Is he ready to risk more?

“I’m sorry, honey. I have to go.”

“What’s going on?”

“Shots fired out on Paradise Road. Tani sent Ronald out, but he’s not checked in.”

“Shit. Luka, I don’t…”

“I’m taking backup with me, honey. Don’t worry.”

“What about River? Do you need me to get one of—”

“Nah, honey. I’ll call Mom. She can be here in five minutes. I’ve got this. Honest.”

“Will you be careful, please?”

“I’m always careful, Lo’,” he answers, and I can hear him rummaging around in the background, already getting dressed.

“Be extra careful. I couldn’t handle it if anything happened to you, Luka.”

“I’ll be careful, I promise. Though I have to admit, I like having you worry about me again,” he adds quietly.

“I’ve never stopped worrying about you, Luka.”

“That sounds serious.”

“I care about you. I always have,” I tell him, tapping down my nerves.

“Care? Could there be more than just ‘care’ involved here, Petal? Because care doesn’t come close to summing up how I feel about you,” Luka says, and heat rushes through me like the force of a knife in my stomach. Could he be saying what I think he is?

I could play it cool here. That might be the wiser choice. I’ve made so many mistakes with Luka, and somehow I think playing it safe would be another one. I’m tired of games. What does it matter if I give him the words? Nothing is going to change. If I lose him now with or without the words, I will still be devastated.

“I love you, Luka,” I tell him, the words rushing out in a panic before I lose my nerve.

“Jesus Christ, woman, you have bad timing,” he growls.

There’s a moment of disappointment that he didn’t give the words back. Still, I’m a big girl. If he doesn’t feel the same, it is better to know now.

I just need to convince myself of that before I cry.

“I’m sorry. I mean, you don’t have to say anything. Nothing has to change. I mean, it doesn’t have to mean anything even. I probably—”

“It means everything, Lo’. I’ve needed those words from you for years. It’s just now that you’ve given them to me, I can’t touch you, and I have to go.”

That’s not an “I love you” in return, but there’s emotion there. He wants me to love him. That has to mean something.

Doesn’t it?

“Okay, then. We’ll talk when you get back, yeah?” Luka asks, and I fight through all the emotions I’m feeling to answer him.

“Sounds good.”

“Shit, Lo’, honey, I have to go. Someone is knocking on the door.”

“Who would be knocking this late?”

“It’s probably Mom. I sent her a text when Tani called. I’ll check in with you tomorrow. Okay, sweetheart?”

“Promise you will be careful.”

“You can count on it. Especially now,” he adds.

He hangs up with those words, and I’m left lying here in the dark wishing he could have said he loves me, too.