Wedding bells go off. Attention Olivia: this is the point in your life when everything goes wrong. Wake up.

I open my eyes to the blinking alarm on my phone. The siren noise goes off straight in my ear. Normally, I have to strain my body to fully wake up. This time, it’s instant. “Don’t do this,” Josie texted me this morning at 4 AM. “Please don’t do it.”

I don’t know what I’m doing. I know that I’m definitely going to show up. I’m going to look him in the eyes. And when he puts that ring on my finger, I’m going to mutter the words “Fuck you.”

I walk over to my dress and grab it. I hang it up in the bathroom and get ready. I take my time on my makeup, completely alone and solitary. I imagine myself around my bridesmaids, my mom, and then seeing my dad later on in the day. There will be none of that. No friendly faces. It will be my lonely walk to the edge of the dark, blue sea. Sharks in the water waiting to chew me to bits.

I drive myself to the courthouse. Outside are James and his father. The mere sight of both of them gets my blood boiling. I park my car and sit for a second. I let them wait for me. When it’s time, I walk over to them.

James grabs my hand. I’m shaking. He looks into my eyes. There’s honesty looking back at me, but how can that even be possible when he’s such a liar? “Can we talk for a second?” he asks me.

“There’s nothing to talk about anymore,” I tell him. “Let’s just get this over with, James.”

“You look lovely,” Jim says.

I walk right by him. I walk inside, straight to the clerk at the courthouse. “One marriage license, please,” I say.

“Olivia!” James’s father shouts. “Out here. I wanted to make it a bit more special than this.”

I turn around and walk back out of those large doors. “Just talk to me for one second,” James says.

“James. Stop it. I’m doing what your father wants, okay? We will own that house together. And when the time comes, I will sell you my half. Deal?” I ask him. He doesn’t respond, so I keep walking.

Jim has now met up with another older man. It’s a priest, to be exact. “You have got to be kidding me,” I whisper to myself.

Jim opens his proud mouth and says, “I took the liberty of allowing a dear friend, Father Blume, to officiate the wedding. This is the best day of your life, you two. I know you wanted a smaller wedding. Even an old man like myself can respect that. But every wedding needs a ceremony of sorts. I hope you don’t mind.”

Til death do us part. In holy matrimony. The words sear. They cause undeniable pain because as I stand here, I know that James is going to go through with it. As Father Blume walks toward me with a wicked smile and darkness in his eyes, I know that it’s all over. James, I loved you.

“Please, James,” Father Blume says. His voice sounds like it has been slowed down. My senses start to blur and cross into one another. “Would you like to read your vows?”

“Yes, father,” he says. He glances up at me, and steps forward. With a clear of the throat, he starts speaking. This is it. He’s actually doing this. He’s marrying me in exchange for a piece of property. Here I am, ready to end it all.

“Olivia, I met you on a whim. I was asked to speak to a university class, to a few hundred students on one Wednesday. One and a half hours. That was my allotted time. I didn’t think much of it. I thought it was just some extra pay. I thought I could help out an old friend and colleague. But then, when I thought it was time to go back to the surgery room, a young woman called out to me. I turned and saw her. I smiled cordially. I looked past her. I saw you,” he says.

Fucking asshole, I tell myself. Don’t listen to him.

“I saw true beauty, and she was staring back at me. Everything wonderful was right there, within a short sprint. What could I do? I talked to you. I got your number. I was hoping for a date, but I ended up with so much more,” he says. “And then I went and ruined it all. You see, a heavy weight has fallen on my family. It’s been too much to bear. My father can barely stand amongst it all. He gave me a proposal, indecent and all. I took it in my hands and looked at it. I said, ‘why not? What’s the worst that could happen?’ That was the day I fell as a man.”

I take a step back. There’s acknowledgment in his vows. The truth is buried between the lines. But where is it all heading? In my gut, I still don’t trust him. I look at Jim, standing beside him with a stern look on his face. “Hurry it up, son,” he tells him.

James puts a hand up to silence him, his own father. “Let me finish,” he tells him. Jim backs off, but barely.

“Now, I want to marry you. Don’t get me wrong on this. I look at you and I want to do so much more than just that. I want a family. I want children. I want everything imaginable. Yet, as I fall to my knees, it’s not for your hand in marriage. It’s for your forgiveness,” he says. My stomach is turning with knots. I start to bounce on the edge of my heels. I want to run away. I want to dig under the ground. What the fuck is happening?

James falls to his knees. He looks up at me, still strong as ever. “I fucked up, Olivia. I fucked up big time. I don’t want the house. Fuck the house!” he yells. “I want you. I want us. I’m willing to trade everything in, all my cards for this. You want to move to Tokyo? Hell, I’ll go with you. You want to ranch for a while? I’ll try it. With you, I’ll try anything.”

“Son,” Jim says. “What are you doing?”

“God dammit, Dad,” he says, standing back up. “Mom is dying. There’s nothing we can do about that. It’s time to let go.”

“You don’t tell me what to—”

“You’ve been the best father a boy could ever ask for. Now I’m a man. I know what you think about family. Believe me, I feel it too. That’s why I’m not willing to compromise on this. I want a family with this woman. It’s time for you to move on. Be the father I need right now.”

Jim is speechless. I am speechless. We’re all speechless, especially Father Blume.

James turns back around. He grabs my hands and smiles, eyes full of sincerity. “Can you ever forgive me?” he asks.

“You’ve been such a shit,” I cry. Underneath the tears, a small laugh darts out from my lips. He tenderly wipes away the tears from my cheek. He kisses me lightly, right under the bridge of my left eye.

“I’ve been worse than a shit,” he says. “I’m ashamed. But I want to make it up to you. I want to be yours, finally.”

“I don’t know, James,” I say. The memories of him hurting me can’t go away just yet. “I need time.”

“Then take some time,” he says. “Just don’t forget about me. Don’t shut me out for good.”

“Just give me time, okay?” I whisper.

“Okay,” he says.

I turn and walk away, but my walk turns into a slight jog. I duck into my car and drive around the corner. I park the car in a gas station parking lot, right underneath pump number three. I shield my eyes and I just scream. I scream as loud as I can, from as deep of a place as I possibly can. I let everything out, until there’s nothing left, until there’s only a smile, and laughter, and total confusion.

What the fuck is happening? Can anyone tell me?