I felt like an ass after going back to see Ben, for several reasons.

Mostly, I felt like a dick because I’d clearly hurt Ben all over again. He’d thought I was coming to ask for him back, and when he’d learned I wasn’t, I could see he was crushed. That really wasn’t fair of me.

Just because I’d missed him did not mean I had the right to waltz back into his life and interrupt it. He had made things super clear with me. He didn’t want to be friends. And I should have had the decency to respect that.

And, on top of that, it was horrible to Isabel. I was going to my ex to seek comfort from the frustrations of being with her. It was a giant betrayal to her, and, although I didn’t feel more loyal to her than I did to Ben, I had to force myself to be. Because she was who I was with, she was the mother of my child. I couldn’t keep pulling away from her like this. It was my idea. I had to stick to my own shitty plan.

Though, honestly, I was this close to ending it.

I was asking myself a lot lately if this was really the right thing to do, and for many reasons. Obviously, the biggest of them was the fact that I missed Ben and desperately wanted to be with him. That certainly played a big part…

But even outside of that, I wasn’t sure this was really the best thing for my future child.

I’d grown up with parents who really hadn’t liked each other. They’d stayed together, but the love wasn’t there. And it was obvious to me, even in my elementary school days. I’d seen kids with other parents who would kiss and hug, and I’d never seen my parents do that.

I think that took its toll on me, and it hadn’t really helped me in my high school days when I was doing my best to establish healthy relationships.

I’d thought I could make things different with Isabel, though. I know I love Ben so much more, but I truly thought that if I stepped away from him, I’d be able to really find some love for Isabel. That we’d be able to form a healthy relationship.

But it just wasn’t working. I was still holding out hope, but I don’t know if love is something you can force.

I didn’t tell Isabel this. I didn’t want to worry her. She was already having a hard time with all the hormones from pregnancy. I had to keep this to myself until I’d made an actual decision.

Although, honestly, it wasn’t hard to talk myself out of telling her. We didn’t have an intimate relationship by any stretch of the imagination. I didn’t feel like I could really talk to her about things like this, so it was easier to just not to talk at all.

God, that sounds so bad. It all sounds so bad. I wasn’t going to be able to make this work. It just wasn’t healthy.

I was pretty sure I was going to end things, but I didn’t want to tell that to Ben yet. Not until after I’d officially done it. It just didn’t feel fair, after he’d given me very specific instructions not to come to him unless I wanted him back. He needed a clear decision just as much she did.

I was going to wait until after the ultrasound to see how I felt, though. I know it probably won’t change my mind about things, but you never know. Maybe actually seeing my baby with her would create a spark between the two of us. I couldn’t be sure.

Before the ultrasound, though, I found myself avoiding her. She texted and called and did everything she could to get my attention, but I continued to tell her that I was busy and unable to really see her right now. It wasn’t the truth, of course, but it felt better than hurting her feelings.

I’m positive she knows how I feel. She knows I’m not completely in this.

And that’s why she’s pulling so hard to get attention from me. And I felt guilty about it, but I also wasn't sure what else to do. I couldn’t make the feelings appear.

But, if I continued to not have feelings for her, I’d end it. I won’t continue to jerk this girl around. She deserves to be with someone who loves her, not just someone who is the father to her child.

And truly, that's the only reason she’s so latched onto me anyway. Because I’m the father of her child. She doesn’t really love me for the person I am. She barely knows that person. She just has the desire to be with the man who is going to love her baby the same way she’s going to love her baby. That’s our only connection.

When the day of the ultrasound came, I offered to pick her up at her house and take her there, as opposed to meeting at the doctor’s office. I was hoping she’d turn down the offer, but, of course, she didn’t.

So, it was a somewhat awkward ride over there. She asked me a lot of questions about how my week had gone. I answered and tried to think of thoughtful questions to ask back. She told me that she’d found a new job she was really excited about. I congratulated her.

It was all cordial, but it wasn’t passionate.

I fidgeted in the waiting room when we got to the doctor’s office, flipping through baby magazines and obsessing about how woefully unprepared I was to be a father.

Again, not that I’m necessarily unhappy about it. I just wish I’d had more time to prepare. More time to read, more time to study. Is that a thing parents do? Study to become parents?

Ah, well, either way, it would’ve been something I’d have done. I would have wanted to be prepared.

“Isabel Wright?” A nurse called out into the waiting room.

Isabel tentatively raised her hand and, we both got up to head back into the waiting room.

It was nerve-wracking, to say the least. And we both could feel it. There was a tension between us as we waited for the doctor to come in and talk with us.

However, when the doctor actually did come in, he mostly just talked to Isabel. I was a fly on the wall. Which was understandable, I wasn’t the one he needed to get information from.

Unfortunately, the fact that I wasn’t getting spoken to allowed me to zone out. I know I shouldn’t have been, and I really didn’t want to be, but I couldn’t help myself. I was stressed, and all the information I was taking in only served to stress me out more.

I zoned back in when I heard the doctor say, “so, let’s go ahead and take a look, then.”

My heart was pounding in my chest. I was going to see my child for the first time. I was going to hear their beating heart.

I was both excited and terrified.

“This gel might be a little cold, okay?” The doctor said, as he squirted some blue goo onto Isabel.

He nodded tensely as he reached for the wand and began to look at the baby.

I had my eyes glued to the monitor, though I had no idea what I was actually looking at. I thought I heard the heartbeat until I heard the doctor tell Isabel that it was just the pulsing of her own blood we were hearing until he could find the heartbeat.

And I waited tensely for him to find it. And I waited, and waited, and waited…

Until the doctor looked at both of us with a sad expression on his face.

“What?!” Isabel asked immediately, clearly frightened. “Is something wrong with the baby?!”

And now my heart was racing twice as fast. Oh my god, that’s it, I can see it on his face. Something is wrong here. But what? What could it be?

I instinctively reached out to grab Isabel’s hand. She looked up at me gratefully and gave a soft squeeze back.

“No, it’s nothing like that, but… I’ve got some difficult news,” the doctor said, looking over at me. “I know that you two are unmarried, would you like to be alone while I talk to you about this?”

“No!” Isabel said quickly. “No, of course not, he’s the father! He has a right to know everything just as I do, he’s an equal parent in this.”

Maybe I was imagining it, but I could have sworn I saw the doctor cringe at this.

“Isabel, I’m so sorry to tell you this, but you’re not pregnant.”

My jaw dropped, her jaw dropped, and we looked back at each other.

And I didn’t know how to feel.