The night that I came home with Grady’s number on my arm, I immediately went to my kitchen sink to scrub it off. I wanted him off my skin, invading my life and my privacy once again.

It didn’t come right off, though, and after a minute of scrubbing, there was still the faint mark on my arm. That’s fine, I’ll scrub all night if I have to, I just want it gone…

But, then I thought about it actually being gone. I thought about putting the soap to my skin once again and rubbing until his number washed away, and… and the thought made me sad.

Still, I couldn’t have him on my skin like this. But, before I got back to scrubbing, I took out my phone and snapped a picture of the number.

I don’t know why… I had no plans to call him. Seriously, I couldn’t, I couldn’t let him be back in my life again. He had crushed me once, and I was confident he’d do it again if I let him.

I just needed to get over him. That’s why I changed my number, that’s why I moved, and that’s why I rerouted my life a year ago… to get past him.

But then again, where has it gotten me? I thought that doing all this was going to help me move past him. I was actually hopeful about my ability to reach happiness without him in my life.

And I guess I kind of had, I was happy, but it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t like when he’d been in my life. I’m not sure if it ever would be again… without him, something was just missing.

It’d really hit me harder than any other break up ever had, losing him. He had become such a vital part of my life, and… I don’t know. It sounds stupid to say, but it really had been like losing a soul mate. Like I could no longer be with the man I wanted to be with more than anything.

But what’s the alternative? If I slip up and call him, I’m going to let him back into my life. I’m going to have to deal with losing him all over again, potentially. And I’m not sure if that is something I can live through a second time.

I had to stay strong. I couldn’t let seeing him derail me this way. I had to go on with my life.

To distract myself, I went back to my online dating profile and tried to find another date. But it didn’t help. In fact, it made things worse.

Every guy on this site seemed like a total bust. The one who took me to the baseball game had been the best one, and he hadn’t even been that great. He was cute, but a little bit of an asshole, which I really hadn’t appreciated.

Was this just my life now? Going on tons of mediocre dates, just hoping to find a guy who is barely passable?

I didn’t want passable. I wanted love. Real, true, incredible love like I’d had with Grady. Passion that makes me excited, a love that has me looking toward the future…

Fuck, I miss him, he was perfect to me. A handsome, sweet, sensitive, funny man who had his life together. Who excelled in his sport, who had the whole world looking at him… and he looked at me. For whatever fucking reason, he looked at me when the whole world looked at him. And I still didn’t know why.

But he left me! He fucking left me for a woman he barely knew. And I know it was for his kid, and I know he had his reasons, but… what has changed?

I mean, did he leave her? Is that what he meant when he said things had changed? While that would be a change, a good one, things were still so freaking complicated.

Not that I wasn't willing to date him with a kid. I was, I truly was. Especially in the beginning, when he had just found out.

But now, a year later, after he had tried for a relationship with his baby mama? After the baby had been born months ago, and he was getting into a father routine I didn’t even know about?

It was different now. Things weren’t the same as when he’d first found out.

Back then, I could have gotten into a routine with him. I could have grown into this life with him. Now I’d just be awkwardly jumping into it.

So, it’s settled. I’m not going to call him. It’s not worth it, it’s too complicated, I won’t do it.

At least, that’s what I told myself. And for a few days, I did. For a few days, it worked. And then, something happened to make me completely backtrack.

I was on the dating site again, a cute guy who actually seemed normal so far had hit me up, and I was interested in what he had to say. I was making my men work a little harder for a date this time around, hoping that anyone who didn’t want to put in real effort would be weeded out.

And this guy and I were having a great conversation. He was a manager at a construction company, and we were just chatting about our daily lives at this point.

“So, I see you like baseball. Me, too,” he wrote back.

Oh, god dammit! I had meant to take that off my damn profile after my last date went to hell.

“Oh, yeah, I do,” was all I said, hoping being short about this would get the subject changed.

It didn’t.

“And that Grady Ians, huh? Whew, he’s probably my biggest celebrity crush. A guy with that much talent shouldn’t be allowed to be that good-looking, right?”

And now I was fuming.

Not at the guy, of course, he didn’t know I’d dated Grady Ians. I was the idiot who had baseball as an interest in my profile.

No, I was mad at Grady.

And maybe that wasn’t fair, either. He couldn’t control what this guy had said. He couldn’t control that he was a famous baseball player. He couldn’t control any of it.

Except for the fact that he’d come into my life. He’d come into my world and fucked everything up. He’d made me love him, and now he’s made it so I can’t find a relationship with another guy that I can make work.

Maybe that sounded dramatic, but it really wasn’t. Like, I obviously couldn’t date this guy! How the hell was he going to react when I told him I once dated his celebrity crush? Yeah, I’m sure that’ll go over well. Just like it did with the last guy.

No, I had to completely write this guy off, just because he likes Grady. Only the second decent guy I’ve met so far… Grady ruined both decent potential prospects.

I was seeing red. This hadn’t been what I’d imagined when we’d broken up. I hadn’t pictured it being a year later and still being so fucking hung up on him.

And you know what was Grady’s fault?! The fact that he’d ended our relationship to begin with. And the fact that he had run after me after the stupid baseball game.

He let himself back into my life. Who said he could do that?! Not me! I wouldn’t have let him! I didn’t fucking want this. I wanted to live my life. I wanted to find happiness. How the hell was I going to find it with him lingering around me?!

I grabbed my phone and quickly went to the picture of my arm I had taken the other day. I dialed in the number, furious, ready to give Grady a piece of my fucking mind.

“Hello?” Grady answered.

“What the hell are you doing?!” I snapped, not even caring about how aggressive I sounded.

“Ben…” he said with a gentle sigh, as if he were just happy to hear from me. As if I had just told him something positive.

But I most certainly hadn’t and didn’t plan to.

“I repeat, what the hell are you doing?” I asked.

“What do you mean?” he questioned.

“I mean… I mean who do you think you are?! Why do you think you can just play with me this way, Grady?”

“Play with you?” he asked. “Ben, I have no idea what you’re talking about, but, I assure you, I have no intention of playing with you. On the contrary, I want to be serious with you, and that’s always been my intention.”

“And yet, you’re playing with my heart, Grady. Just like you did a year ago. Do you not remember coming to my house, making me think that you actually wanted me, and then telling me you had no intentions of leaving your baby mama?”

“I do…” he said regretfully. “And I’m so sorry about that.”

“And now you’re doing it again! You’re coming into my life, making me think of you, making me hopeful, dangling a relationship in front of my face…”

“I’m not dangling anything!” he defended. “I want you, Ben. I want you back, I really do. I wouldn’t just come into our life and tease you. I mean it this time.”

“Well, its too late!” I argued. “It’s too late! It’s been a fucking year! A year of my life and nothing from you, Grady!”

“Well, I wish it hadn’t been like that,” Grady said. “That wasn’t exactly my choice. You disappeared. You left me no way to contact you. I didn’t just, like, wait a year and then change my mind! I would have gotten in contact with you a long, long time ago, if I’d had my way.”

Huh, this thought had never even occurred to me… that he might actually have wanted to reach out to me before but couldn’t because of the way I’d left. For some reason, I really did think of this as the first time he’d wanted to speak to me again.

But that didn’t change anything.

“It’s still too late,” I told him. “You can’t just come back to me a year later, after things failed with that woman, and expect things to be better. I never wanted to be your second choice.”

“And you never were!” he defended again. “Never, not for a second, she was second choice, always! And that’s not what happened!”

“What’s not what happened?” I asked, unsure of to what he was referring.

“I didn’t just fail with her. I didn’t try for a relationship and then come back to you after it didn’t work out. You have no idea what happened in the last year, Ben. Not a clue.”

“Well… well, still,” I said softly.

“Still what?” he asked. “Look, when I last saw you, you told me to come back when I had chosen you. And I’m here, I’m back, I’m doing that.”

“But everything is different now, Grady!” I told him. “You’re a father now. You’ve been the father to a baby who I don’t even know, and now I’m supposed to jump into this awkward love triangle with you and your ex—”

“I’m not,” he cut me off.

“You’re not… what?”

“I am not father to a baby who you don’t know. I’m not a father to anyone. Like I said, you don’t know what happened in the last year.”

Apparently, I really didn’t.

Now, a bunch of scenarios were whirling in my head. Did she lose the baby, and now he’s coming back to me? Did he find out he’s not the father, and now he’s coming back to me? Did she leave him, and now he’s coming back to me?

But every scenario I thought of had the same theme… something bad happened with her, and now he’s coming back to me. It still makes me second choice.

Though, him not having a kid does uncomplicate things quite a bit…

“Come see me,” Grady said suddenly.

“What?” I scoffed.

“Come see me. Seriously. Let’s talk about things. Obviously you see now there’s a lot you don’t know, and there’s a lot to discuss.”

“I… I don’t know,” I told him. “You really hurt me, Grady.”

“I know,” he answered, “and you don’t have to get back with me. This isn’t an agreement to reconcile… just to talk. If you’re even remotely open to the idea of me, then let’s talk.”

And I was… I was remotely open to the idea of him.

“Okay, fine, when?”

“Whenever you want. I’m free now, if you want to swing by my place.”

I did.

I felt a little stupid as I grabbed m car keys to head over there. What was I doing? I’d spent a year trying to get over this guy, and I was about to screw it up in just a few minutes. I wasn’t going to be able to forget about him after this point.

But that’s the point, isn’t it? The possibility that I might not have to forget about him?

Since I’d moved, I’d never entertained the idea that we might end up together. Not for a second. It was just… it seemed out of the realm of possibility. But now, there might actually be a scenario where I’m okay with him coming back into my life.

And what would that even be like? I don’t know. It’s been so long, I can hardly remember what being with him used to feel like…

That’s a lie. I remember exactly what it was like to be with him. I remember everything… his soft kiss, his gentle touch, laying on his bed and talking into the wee hours of the morning. How special he made me feel, the way I envisioned a future with him, the way no other man had ever stood a chance standing next to him. I remember it all.

And that’s why I’m going over there. Because in my heart, deep inside, past the bitterness and resentment, I really want this to work with him.

A part of me didn’t even know if it could ever work with anyone else. He felt like the only one for me, my soul mate, the man I wanted to be with despite everything. And I really, really didn’t want to lose that.

Even though I had lost it, even though it had been long gone, I still clung on to the hope. And if I’m being honest, I had probably still been clinging on to that hope for a long time, even if I’d never admitted it to myself.