I could feel my heart pounding as I adjusted my tie. My best man came into the guest bedroom of my parent’s home to greet me. 

“Hey, man, how are you doing?” he asked, as he patted me on the shoulder.

“Not so great,” I admitted. 

“Nervous?” he asked. 

I nodded. 

“Look, man, you know you don’t have to do this…” he began slowly. 

I whipped around to him, anger in my eyes. Joe had been my best friend for ten years, and I almost always appreciated his advice… but this was probably the one time when I really didn’t want it. 

“Why would you say that to me?” I asked him. “That’s not what you’re supposed to say.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Oh, okay then, what am I supposed to say, exactly?”

“I don’t know… you’re supposed to say that cold feet is normal. That it’s just my nerves and once I actually walk down the aisle, I’m going to feel joy.”

He sighed. “You know I support you. And you know if this were under different circumstances, I’d say all those things. But…”

“Joe!” I snapped. “No buts! I’m marrying him, I’ve decided to marry him.”

He nodded. “You’re right. And it’ll be a beautiful wedding, and I’m sure you’ll live happily ever after and—” he stopped talking as soon as he said that, realizing his mistake.

I tried to keep the tears from welling up in my eyes. 

“I do love him, you know,” I said defensively. 

“Right, of course, I know—”

“And I’m doing the right thing. This is what he wants, Joe. He’s always had this dream of his wedding day and marriage and—”

“I know,” Joe said quickly, “and it’s so sweet that you’re willing to give him all of that. You’re a good man. You’ve always been a good man. But that’s what I’m worried about… that you’re so good, so selfless, that you will hurt yourself in the process. I mean, your pain is inevitable here, Taylor.”

“Okay, but what’s the alternative? Seriously? That I just… abandon him? Try to distance myself? I can’t do that to him, Joe. You know I can’t. He’s a good man, too. He deserves this. And it’ll be way harder on him than it is on me.”

“I don’t know about that,” Joe answered. 

I shook my head. “Whatever.”

“No, seriously, is it harder on him? I’m not trying to downplay his situation, I’m really not. I know that it’s hell, and I can’t imagine what he’s going through, but, at the end of the day, he’s not going to have to deal with the aftermath. You are, you’re going to be here to cope with the pain and the—”

“I know,” I said, “I can handle it.”

“But can you?” he asked. “You’re not exactly detached from the situation here, you’re marrying the guy.”

“But it’s not like that,” I defended, “you know it’s not like that.”

He shrugged. “I’m just looking out for you, man. I don’t see a happy ending to this. I just want you to be happy.”

“I will be,” I said, “eventually, I will be. But, for now, I need you to encourage me to walk down the aisle. Because there is no other decision for me, there really isn’t. I either walk down this aisle now, or I become disgusted with everything I’d once thought I’d stood for. I would not be a decent person if I didn’t do this. I just wouldn’t. So, push my ass down the aisle.”

“Okay, I’m sorry,” he said. “Get your ass down that aisle, then.” He patted my shoulder. “You are doing the right thing, the selfless thing. And I love you for it. This is why you were always my best friend.” 

I smiled at him. That was what I needed to hear. 

I know that what I’m doing might be a little self-sacrificial. And it might be painful. But I do love Blake. It’s not that much of a sacrifice to marry him, but… I’m just not sure what will come after. 

I’ve been telling myself it won’t be super painful. That I’ll be able to cope with it better, because I’d known what was coming and was not as attached as I’d normally be in this situation. 

That was probably a lie, though. 

I heard footsteps coming down the hall, and, without warning, the voice of my fiancé’s father boomed at me. 

“Son, it’s time.”

Son… it was weird to hear that word. And not just because it was coming from a man who had never called me that before. Not just because I realized I was entering into a new family. 

But also because I hadn’t heard the words from my parents in a long, long time either. I just hadn’t heard the word son. After I’d gone no contact with my parents, I hadn’t really thought I’d hear it until I had kids of my own. 

Which wouldn’t be for awhile. 

I followed my new father-in-law into his backyard. Yes, we were having a backyard wedding, but it’s not as tacky as it sounds. It’s actually really gorgeous. His parents live out in the country and have a whole acre behind their house with willow trees and tons of garden beds. 

They also had money, so they decorated it beautifully, too. It was all twisting lights and white ribbon. Even the chairs were tied with white ribbon. It was gorgeous and eloquent and everything I’d ever wanted for my wedding. 

Of course, I hadn’t expected it to go like this. 

I took my place up at the gazebo. Flowers aligned the old white wood, and hanging lights adorned the roof. It was a sight to see, and if I’d been more relaxed, I would have taken it all in. But I wasn’t relaxed. I was really, really fucking tense. 

I waited for the music to begin to play and for Blake to walk down the aisle. This was how we’d decided to do it, him walking down the aisle as the bride normally would. Of course, we weren’t doing it to fit into some old gender stereotypes. 

No, we were doing it this way because Blake had said he’d always imagined himself walking down the aisle with both his parents by his side. And, really, this wedding was mostly for Blake. He gets whatever he wants. And this makes him happy. 

Besides, I obviously didn’t have my parents to walk me down the aisle, so it would just be awkward for me to accompany myself. 

I smiled nervously at all the guests sitting before me. Most people I didn’t know, but there were a couple of my friends, too. They were watching me intently, and their eyes were… weird. It’s hard to explain. Everyone looked a little happy and a little sad, and it wasn’t hard to see why. 

It was making me sad, too. 

But I had Joe next to me, and that helped. I had someone by my side. That’s all I really needed, a friend to get me through it.

And then, pretty suddenly, the wedding march began. And I saw Blake come out of the big, beautiful French doors of his parents’ house and out into the yard. 

God, he looked so good in his suit. He had his hair perfectly combed and styled. He looked good, he looked healthy. I knew that wasn’t reality, but, for now, I told myself it was. I told myself he was good and healthy. 

And, the second I saw him, I had no regrets. Of course this was the right thing to do, and of course I wanted to do it. Look how happy he was. He was happy and alive and on top of the world. I’d given that to him. 

I would keep giving that to him as long as the universe allowed.