I had been excited for Grady to come over, but once I actually saw him walking up through the window of my apartment, that excitement dissipated.

He didn’t look happy.

Fantastic. So, it had seemed that my instincts were right, and this wasn’t going to be a pleasant conversation.

But why? And about what? He wasn’t really going to dump me, right? I don’t know what had him upset, but I couldn’t have possibly done anything that serious, right? We were so happy just a week ago…

My heart was pounding as I opened the door for him. He walked in, looking dejected.

“Hey,” he said softly, as he went to sit on my couch.

“Hey,” I said back nervously, as I took a seat on the recliner. “I’ve missed you.”

He looked up at me sadly. “Yeah… I’ve missed you, too.”

Despite his sad expression, it really did sound like he meant it. So, maybe I was wrong, maybe this wasn’t a break up conversation. Though, clearly something bad had happened.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

He sighed. “So much, Ben. So freaking much.” He buried his head in his hands.

I got up and moved to the couch to sit right next to him. “Hey, relax, whatever it is, it’s going to be okay.”

“I’m not so sure,” he said to me sadly, “at least, not for us…”

My heart started racing again. “What do you mean?”

He didn’t answer. He just shook his head, defeated.

“Grady, just tell me. Are you breaking up with me or something?”

When he looked up and his eyes met mine, I knew that’s what was happening.

“Oh my god, you’re breaking up with me…”

“Ben…” He reached his hand out to touch me, but I moved backwards to avoid his hand.

“But why?” I asked. “I thought… I thought things were going so well between us, and…”

“They were!” Grady said. “They really were! And this has nothing to do with you.”

“Really?” I asked. “You’re going to give me that bullshit, Grady? The whole ‘it’s not you, it’s me.’ Haven't I earned more honesty than that after the few months we’ve been together?”

“You deserve complete honesty and much more,” he answered, “and that is the truth. It is me. And I’m going to explain why.”

“Okay,” I shrugged. “Explain away, then.”

He took in a deep breath. “I got a call the other day. It was from this girl… this girl I hooked up with one time.”

Oh my god, if he was about to tell me he cheated on me, I was going to lose my shit.

But I let him continue without interrupting.

“She called, and… she told me she was pregnant.”

My jaw dropped. “Pregnant? As in… with your child?”

He nodded slowly. “We hooked up just shortly before I ended up starting something with you.”

“Oh my god…” I muttered, not sure of what to make of this. “But, wait, how does this lead to us breaking up? I mean, I know this is stressful and unexpected, but… you don’t think I’m just going to bail on you because of a surprise baby, right?”

I was somehow, in a small and fucked up way, relieved. Okay, so maybe Grady and I don’t actually have to break up. Once he sees how kind and supportive I’m being, he’ll realize the relationship isn’t over just because of an accident.

“No, no, I didn’t think you’d bail… and this is not really about you potentially bailing at all.”

My heart sank again.

“Okay, so then what’s it about?” I asked.

“It’s… it’s about me. It’s about how I always planned to have a child, and what I want for my future family.”

I raised one eyebrow. “And what do you want for your future family, exactly?”

He shook his head again. “I don’t know… for things to be normal? For my kid to have two parents who live under one roof? I want my child to be happy. And I want to see my kid every night.”

“So, what are you saying, exactly? That you’re… leaving me for her?”

He cringed. “Yes.”

My jaw dropped. “But… I don’t understand. Do you love her?”

“No! Absolutely not!” he said emphatically. “I love you. I absolutely, totally, completely love you. Not her, not anyone else. There is only you in my heart.”

Tears were welling up in my eyes. “Then why leave, Grady? Is this about being gay? Is this because you’d rather settle down with a cute woman and have a happy, normal family?”

“No!” he said, once again emphatically. “I don’t care about living as a heterosexual. I wouldn’t care if I had kids with another man instead of a woman. In fact, that’s what I wanted… with you.”

I stood up and turned on my heel, jerking away from him. “Why would you say that?!” I snapped. “Why would you tell me that? Do you just want to torture me? Do you just want to keep me hanging by a thread as you leave me for a fucking woman?!”

“Oh my god, you’re right,” he muttered, “you’re totally right, I shouldn’t have said that, I don’t know what I’m thinking, just—”

“Just leave, Grady. Just go. If you’ve seriously made your decision, if I can’t talk you out of it, then you need to go.”

“It’s not what I want, though, Ben. I hope you know that if I was just thinking of me, if I was being selfish, I would stay with you. But I have to think of my kid, and that’s the only reason I’m doing this. And it's breaking my heart.”

I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t feel bad for him. Maybe I should like that he’s going all in with this responsible dad act, but I just didn’t care. However this was breaking him, it was breaking me more.

At the end of the day, he was still going to be with someone else. Maybe he didn't love this girl, he didn’t really know her, but it beats being like me. It beats having to be totally and completely alone.

I didn’t have the slightest clue how I was going to get over this, I really didn’t. I loved him so fucking much. So much more than I’d loved anyone else so far, and this was seriously breaking me.

“Just go, Grady.”

He sighed. “I really hope we can be friends one day, Ben. I can’t imagine not having you in my life.”

I couldn’t even believe he said that.

“Friends? You want to be friends with me, seriously?” I snapped.

“I—”

I didn’t even let him speak. “You are leaving me to be with a woman you barely know!”

“I know, but—”

“But nothing! God, can you see that I don’t care about your reasoning or whether it’s right or wrong?! You are leaving me. That’s what I care about. That is literally all I care about right now. I have my own feelings, you know? The world doesn’t revolve around you.”

“Ben, I know, and I’m so sorry—”

“If you’re sorry at all, you’ll leave right now,” I told him. “You’ll go, because that’s the only thing that’s going to make me feel better… not being around you. Do you think I want to stay here and talk to you when I know I can no longer be with you? I can’t. I don’t want this. So leave, go be with that woman.”

He looked down at his feet, realizing I clearly didn’t want to hear any more from him. I could see it took everything he had to keep himself from continuing to talk to me. But, finally, he gave in and started heading out the door.

I walked over and slammed it behind him.

Good! I’m glad he’s gone! Piece of shit, heart-crushing asshole who thinks I want to hear about his new life with his new baby. Well good fucking riddance! Fuck him and fuck every feeling he ever gave me. They’re dead now. He’s dead to me.

I sank down on the floor and began to sob into my hands.