Ever since I agreed to try at this relationship thing with Isabel, I’ve had a knot in my stomach that refuses to go away.

I thought maybe the feeling stemmed from my betrayal of Ben. Like, maybe after I talked to him and finally told him what was going on, I’d feel a little better and be able to move forward.

But, talking to Ben only made the knot grow. I felt so much fucking worse. Horribly, awfully, miserably worse.

Seeing him reminded me of how little I felt for Isabel. Just looking at him sent my heart aflutter, and it took everything I had not to wrap him up in my arms and never let go. I had passion for him, I had since the first day I’d met him, the kind of passion I’d always wanted in a relationship.

And now I was letting that go. The one thing I’d always searched for… the one person I’d always searched for. It hurt.

What hurt even worse than what I had to give up, though, was the fact that I’d hurt him, too. Really fucking hurt him, I could see it in his eyes. They burned with pain and anger for me. I couldn’t describe how horrible it felt to know you made the person you love more than anything hurt. It’s an unimaginable pain.

But it was serving a purpose, that’s what I told myself. It may be hard to see right now, the light at the end of the tunnel may not be clear, but it will be one day. When my child is old enough to laugh and smilem and I know that they’re happy because of the choices that I’d made. Then it would be worth it

That’s what parenthood is all about, right? Sacrificing for your child, putting your happiness on hold for them. And I was prepared to do that, I truly was. I just wasn’t prepared for how badly it was going to hurt.

After my break up with Ben, I took a few days to myself before I talked to Isabel again. I just wanted to mourn what I’d lost before I jumped into something with someone I didn't even care about.

I’d hoped that eventually I would care about Isabel, but I knew it would never be like Ben. It couldn’t ever be like Ben, nobody could be. Nobody ever had been before. And nobody else was going to light a fire inside of me the way he had.

So, while I was hoping to reach a place of mutual kindness and love with Isabel, I was also knowingly giving up true romantic happiness. I could only hope that parental happiness would make up for this, but, you know, I really couldn’t be sure at this point.

After I’d had a few days to myself, I forced myself to call up Isabel and schedule a date. I didn’t want to. I could have taken, weeks, months, maybe even years to get over Ben. But there were practical reasons I had to see Isabel now.

She needed to schedule a doctor’s appointment, and I needed to give her money to do so. I wanted to be there for all the appointments. And I could sense she was hesitant about that, so I figured going on a date prior to the first doctor’s appointment would help break the ice.

Oh, how wrong I was.

I met her at one of the fanciest Italian restaraunts in town. I got there a little late, even though I was almost never late, because prior to walking in, I had to sit in my car and mentally prepare myself to go on a date with someone who wasn’t Ben.

Isabel seemed a lot less irritated this time around, even though I was late. She had let her guard down to try this, which made me feel even more guilty, because she wouldn’t know just how guarded I was.

We ordered our meals shortly after I said hello and sat down, then after our menus were taken, we were stuck in complete and awkward silence.

“So, have you scheduled your first doctor’s appointment?” I asked to break the quiet between us.

“Yes,” she said, “it’ll be next week, Thursday at 11:00am, if you’re okay with that. Like, if you’re able to pay for that and stuff…”

I felt bad for the girl. Bringing up the money issue obviously was making her extremely uncomfortable, and it was something she just had to deal with.

I really, truly didn’t care about the money. That was the last thing I cared about. I had more money than I even needed, and, of course, I was going to spend it on the well being of my future child.

I cared a lot more about the emotionally draining aspect of our new relationship rather than the dollar-draining one.

“Yes, that’s not a problem. Can I come?”

She looked up, eyes slightly wide. “Sure.”

I could tell it made her uncomfortable, but she just didn’t want to say anything to me.

“If you don’t want me to, that’s totally fine,” I told her.

“No, it’s no problem,” she insisted.

I didn’t buy that. But I wasn’t going to keep pressing her. If she said she was fine with it, I’ll believe it.

“So, what are some of your interests?” she asked me.

“Interests…?” I asked, sounding a little confused.

“Yeah, the things you like? I don't know. I’m just trying to get some conversation flowing between us. If you and I are going to try to date, we should probably try talking about stuff, right?”

“Right,” I agreed.

But it felt so weird. Yes, we were technically on a first date, but it didn’t feel like that.

First dates are usually lighthearted and casual, and you have no idea what kind of future you’re going to have with the person sitting across from you.

But I knew what was going to happen with Isabel, for the most part. Whether we form a relationship or not, she’s going to be the mother of my child. My baby lives within her. There is nothing casual about our relationship at all.

“Well, um, obviously I like baseball, and… I guess that’s it,” I laughed awkwardly. “I mostly just play baseball.”

“But what kind of stuff do you do in your free time?” she asked. “When you’re not at work?”

Immediately, I thought of Ben. For the last few months, he has been what I did in my free time. Every spare moment, I spent it with him. I loved being around him.

We could be watching movies, eating, going out into the city, or just laying in bed talking. It didn’t matter what we were doing. Any activity would suffice with him by my side. I’m pretty sure he feels the same way about me.

Or, he did…

The shift in my mood became obvious. No matter how I’d like to be, I just wasn’t that great at hiding my feelings. And that was about to make things very awkward.

“Uh, you know, I don’t do much else…” I tried to say casually.

“You hate this, don’t you?” she asked.

“What?” I questioned. “Hate what?”

“Hate being here, with me? Hate trying to date me?”

“Oh, no, no—”

“Why did you suggest it?” she questioned. “Why did you want to try dating if you are so obviously unattracted to me?”

She didn’t even sound angry or bitter, she sounded mostly confused and sad.

“I’m attracted to you!” I defended. “Of course I’m attracted to you. That’s how we got into this situation in the first place, isn’t it?” I laughed nervously.

She did not laugh.

“Maybe you’re attracted to me physically, but you’re sure not attracted to me emotionally. It’s clear you don’t want to be here right now.”

“I don’t even know you emotionally,” I tried to defend myself again.

“And it doesn't seem like you want to, either,” she pointed out.

I sighed. “It’s not that, really, it’s not.”

And it wasn’t. If we were just trying to date normally, I’d be much more enthusiastic. Even if I knew she was pregnant with my child, I’d feel differently if I didn’t just have the worst break up of my life.

“So what is it?” she asked.

“Before I found out you were pregnant, I was kind of dating someone.”

Her eyebrows rose. “You were?!”

“I was. And I’d become really attached to them, and I’d kind of thought we were headed somewhere, but then of course I found out you were pregnant, and pretty much everything changed… so, when I decided to try for a relationship with you, I had to end it with them. And it’s just been so difficult.”

“Oh, Grady, I’m so sorry,” she answered, sounding genuinely empathetic. “I had no idea, I… so, why did you suggest we date?” she asked.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you already were in a relationship. Why would you end that to try things with me?”

I thought this was obvious.

“For the same reasons I told you before. I want my child to have a two-parent household; I want to tuck my kid in every night. I want my child to be happy, and that means doing this with you.”

I could see her start to blush as she looked down. “Oh… that’s really sweet.”

Ha, yeah, tell that to Ben. I thought to myself.

“Is it?”

“Yeah, it really is. I really admire that. It’s exactly what I’d want to hear from the father of my child.”

I shrugged. “Then, I suppose you’re in luck.”

Our food came right then, which I was grateful for, because it gave me an excuse to be a little less chatty. Though it didn’t seem to do that to Isabel.

On the contrary, after I gave her my reason for leaving my last relationship, she was much more talkative. It’s like it energized her, hearing my reasoning. She didn’t even seem to care, or maybe notice, that I wasn’t nearly as receptive.

But I focused on my food and tried to get politely through this date, as you often do when stuck on a bad date. Happens to the best of us.

Though, then I had a horrifying moment when I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to escape this first date. This first date was going to become a relationship. She was the mother of my child. I was on this roller coaster ride for a long time coming…

I tried not to make my existential crisis obvious. But, in my panic, I had lost track of what she was even saying.

“And that’s why I can’t stand it, you know?” I heard her ending her most recent tirade. She had been going on about her life since the food had gotten here.

“Right, yeah,” I nodded.

“Anyway, yeah, that pretty much sums up how things have been going in my life. I don’t know, this just isn’t how I pictured doing this, you know?”

“Doing what?” I asked. “Being pregnant?”

“Yeah, exactly. I thought that I’d have my life more planned out than this. I didn’t imagine I’d lose my job, I’d be unmarried, and I’d barely know the guy. I didn’t imagine when I told the father of my baby I was pregnant, he’d be proposing a plan to start dating. Instead of, you know, just proposing,” she laughed awkwardly.

I nodded. “Yeah, I get that.”

“You do?”

“Completely!” I said emphatically. “That’s how I’ve been thinking since all of this happened. I really did think I knew where my life was heading and when this was going to happen, but… I don’t know. It turns out I just don’t know anything.”

“I guess we’re in the same, scary boat then,” she said.

“Guess so,” I agreed, as I sipped my water.

Without warning, and catching me completely off guard, she reached out and grabbed my hand.

“But that makes it easier, you know. Having someone around who is in the same boat and really wants to help, it truly makes it easier.”

I tried not to cringe as she touched my hand. I couldn’t help it, my reaction was immediate. Someone was grabbing my hand who wasn’t Ben. It felt so wrong.

I don’t think she noticed, though. She seemed too absorbed in looking in my eyes. Seriously, she was staring all ga-ga eyed at me, and I honestly didn’t understand it.

Even more importantly, I didn’t like it. I wished she’d stop. I wished we could go back to the awkwardness that existed a few moments ago.

But I shouldn’t want that, right? I mean, this whole relationship thing was my idea. I should want this to work. I need to try to create an emotional connection with this woman. I can’t shut her down because she’s opening up to me and is receptive to the idea of us being together.

“Good,” I told her. “I really hope to make things easier for you.”

She smiled as her thumb stroked the back of my hand. “You know, I misjudged you.”

“You did?” I questioned, once again trying to hide my displeasure at her touching me this way. “How so?”

“I don’t know, you’re just this famous baseball player, and I’d thought you’d react really badly to me saying I thought I was pregnant with your kid. I mean, most normal guys would react badly. But a rich and famous guy? I didn’t picture that going well.”

“And has it?” I asked, forcing the conversation. “Gone well, I mean?”

“It has,” she nodded, “it really has. You're nothing like I expected. You are kind, dedicated, sweet… you’ve been a real gentleman, and I appreciate it.”

“Well, than you for saying so,” I told her. “I appreciate you noticing.”

She eyed me carefully and then smiled to herself.

“What? What is it?” I asked.

“Nothing, it’s just… I have a feeling this is really going to work out between us.”

I didn’t have the same feeling.