Paul lay awake in bed, staring contemplatively at the ceiling. He could hear his son’s delighted laughter from outside, and the neighbor boy’s excited shouts. The two went together like peanut butter and jelly, and James was sure he’d made a friend for life. Meanwhile, Paul had made an attempt to make nice with Kelly and he couldn’t help feeling as if there was more he should do. He supposed he could start by getting out of bed, but a crippling loneliness had washed over him since he woke that morning. James had only briefly lingered at his door before excusing himself to toss around the football with Jeffrey. Though Paul was thrilled to be home with his son, there was an ache in his heart that even time spent with young James couldn’t abate. There was a hole in his heart, shaped vaguely like the woman who was currently supervising their children.
Exhaling a weary breath, he glanced towards the window. Sunlight peeked through the blinds, and from what he could tell, it made for an absolutely beautiful day. He could imagine Kelly wearing that light blue sundress he’d last seen her in before departing for his service. While he knew it was unlikely she had kept the garment for so long, it was an image that felt ingrained on the back of his retinas. Sighing, he rolled over to face the wall that adjoined with his walk-in closet. He allowed his head to sag against his pillow, closing his eyes and lifting his hand towards his heart.
Out on the open seas, it had been easy to dismiss his loneliness. It wasn’t as if he was going to shack up with one of his fellow Navy SEALs, and he had simply grown accustomed to being alone. Now, however, the very woman he’d dreamed of was just beyond his reach. As much as he wanted to tell Kelly how much he’d thought about her, how he’d longed to write to her, he was afraid. He’d already hurt her so deeply, he couldn’t help but think he may have deserved the cold treatment she had turned upon him. Moreover, he couldn’t bear the thought of wounding her any more deeply than she’d already been wounded.
As much as he wanted to move forward, the guilt that gripped him was nearly stupefying. It was what drove him to remain in bed, moping for the duration of the morning. The afternoon loomed, and Paul was beginning to feel like something of a bum for remaining curled in bed for so long. Yet another weary sigh, and he threw the blankets off of himself before throwing his legs off the side of the bed. He sat upright, rubbing the back of his hand against his weary and watery eyes. Though he would like nothing more than to remain in his pajamas until nightfall came, he stumbled into his closet and grabbed a t-shirt and jeans to change into.
Deciding a shower was the best course to stir him from his sleep-addled state, he tucked his clothes under his arm and tread the distance to the upstairs bathroom. Flipping the light on, he scarcely recognized the person staring back at him from the mirror. He wasn’t sure he’d ever looked so troubled in his life, the heartbreak shining as a glimmer in his gaze. Tossing his clothes on the counter, he pressed his palm against the mirror and leaned in close to further scrutinize himself. He could use a good shave, as well as a decent haircut if he was being honest. He felt altogether scraggly looking, and as if he could no longer bear to look at himself, he drew violently away from the mirror. He shimmied out of his flannel pajama pants, adjusting the water to his preferred temperature and allowing it to warm up properly. The bathroom began to steam up almost immediately, and he brushed a hand through his hair as moisture accumulated there. Shedding his boxer briefs, he stepped into the shower and allowed the water to flow freely across his body. He stretched his arms out above his head, the well-toned muscles in his body working like a perfectly oiled machine. He watched the subtle twitch of his biceps as he lowered his arms in front of him, pressing his palms to the wall and dipping his head under the water stream.
For a moment, time seemed to slip away. He could pretend that he wasn’t putting in his best effort to see his life rendered to shambles, he could pretend that he wasn’t entirely smitten with a woman who could scarcely stand to look him in the eye. All that existed was Paul, the shower, and the soothing jet of water from the showerhead. His eyes, which had fluttered shut without his realizing, popped open as the water began to grow cold. He stood upright, looking around with a bit of confusion. Was the water heater busted? Certainly, he hadn’t been standing in the shower for that long… yet the pruny wrinkles on his fingers seemed to indicate otherwise. In a sudden crunch for time, he quickly lathered up before rinsing off with little further preamble. He shut off the water, allowing himself to drip onto the floor as he stepped out of the stall. He swiped his hand across the mirror, hoping that the man he saw reflected would be more impressive than the one who had first stepped into the bathroom.
Paul couldn’t deny the haunted look in his eye, though he quickly forced it away. He could only hope the years of obscuring his emotions would work in his favor. James often saw right through his father’s acts, but he wouldn’t be likely to air Paul’s dirty laundry in front of his new friend. Speaking of dirty laundry…
Sneering, Paul grabbed the clothes he’d been hiding away. They were damp with sweat, and he didn’t even want to consider the smell as he tossed them in the clothes hamper. He grabbed a towel, drying himself off as best as he could before pulling on his freshly chosen outfit. He ran a comb through his hair, wondering when he could find the time to visit the local barber shop. He chuckled to himself at the thought, realizing that he had nothing but time since returning home from his active duty.
The man began to tap his foot, forcing himself to meet his own reflected gaze once more. Perhaps all wasn’t lost. Maybe there was a chance he’d be able to make things right with the woman he so adored. At the very least, their children’s bonding gave him an excuse to spend more time with her. In time, she could begin to see what she had seen in him all those years ago. His eyes crinkled with delight at the thought, and with a final approving nod at his reflection, he stepped out the bathroom door.
It would be a work in progress, obviously. He couldn’t expect things to go from awful one minute to a perfect world the next. All the same, he always liked to think that there was a lot of power in personal positivity. If he continued to view the situation as negatively as he had been, it seemed obvious that it would only continue in a downward spiral of sorts. No, he was going to take advantage of the fantastic day. He would prove to himself, and perhaps Kelly as well, that he wasn’t the dirtbag he felt like as of late. Strutting out of his room, he was startled to see James rummaging through the freezer with Jeffrey peering over his shoulder.
“How long have you two been in here? What are you doing?” He inquired mildly, and James threw his arms up dramatically.
“One question at a time, please,” the young man said in a way that might have been snide if not for the warm smile on his face. “We just came in to grab some snacks. Miss Carpenter hasn’t gotten the chance to stock up on groceries yet, and I told Jeff here that we had some popsicles,” James clarified, continuing to rummage in the large freezer.
“Cherry’s my favorite,” Jeffrey announced, not appearing to know much else to say. Paul chuckled, slipping by and ruffling the boy’s hair.
“Cherry is my favorite, too, buddy. James is partial to grape, can’t account for taste when it comes to some people,” he said with a teasing smile. James groaned from his place at the freezer, short moments later cheering a loud victory cry.
“Found ‘em. Come on, let’s just take the whole box,” the older of the boys grinned, leading Jeffrey back towards the door. Paul hesitated, grabbing a bottle of beer from the refrigerator before trailing after the two of them. James seemed surprised to realize that his father was following them, and Jeffrey seemed somewhat more nervous around the older man.
“You’re coming out with us? You seemed to be feeling pretty glum this morning,” James mused. Paul grunted, not wanting to elaborate on why, exactly, he had felt so awful. Using the bottle opener he always kept handy, he popped the top off of his beer before stepping outside with the two boys. The sun beat down on them as soon as they emerged from the relatively dark interior of the home, and Paul cringed slightly.
“No wonder you wanted popsicles. It’s one of those blistering summer days I could do without,” Paul mused, watching as James ripped open the box which contained their frozen treasure. Popsicles scattered across the grass, and Jeffrey giggled briefly before shuffling around to help gather them.
“Yeah, yeah. Real funny, wise guy” James huffed, smiling to show it was just a good natured ribbing. Jeffrey smiled, looking utterly delighted by the attention he was receiving from the older boy. It was great that the two boys were getting along so well, and it seemed that James had easily shifted into a sort of older brother role for the younger boy. Hell, if one were to carefully consider the two, they could almost be siblings.
They shared the same chocolate-hued hair, though James had the ocean blue eyes of his father and Jeffrey’s eyes were green like Kelly’s. Both of the boys still had a bit of chubbiness to their cheeks, making their rounded facial structures look remarkably similar. It was a shame that Jeffrey didn’t have a father figure to direct him in life, no one to teach him how to be a man. Paul knew that Kelly must have struggled to raise the boy alone. Then again, he wasn’t sure how long the father had been out of the picture. He didn’t feel at liberty to discuss the matter with Kelly herself, and he didn’t want to make the green-eyed boy feel down on himself.
Still, he couldn’t help but wonder…
Who would leave behind such a wonderful family? Why would this strange man abandon a beautiful wife? Why would he leave behind a well-behaved and charming son? Paul supposed he couldn’t judge particularly harshly, considering he had abandoned every woman he’d ever been with. He couldn’t even consider the idea of leaving his son without a father, however. While he could still be called out on duty at any time, he was confident that in nearly all cases, he would return home to see his pride and joy again.
“Boys, you don’t need all of those popsicles! You’ll have a sugar rush,” Kelly chided as the boys stumbled into her front lawn. She sat stretched out in a lawn chair, wearing a cute yellow sundress that did little to soothe Paul’s longing for her.
“They’re sugar free,” he supplied awkwardly, trying to keep his eyes off of her long legs and thick thighs. She hummed under her breath, scarcely seeming to acknowledge him. “Though, she’s right. If you eat them all now, you’ll get a brain freeze, and you won’t have any for tomorrow,” he continued, carefully. Kelly glanced towards him, lowering her sunglasses down on the bridge of her nose and considering him with those intense green eyes of hers.
“I was beginning to wonder when you’d show up. James said you were having an off day, and,” she paused for a moment, seeming to weigh her options. “Well, truthfully, I was a bit worried. I know Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is rather common for servicemen once they come home, and not to be presumptuous, but…,” she trailed off, her cheeks reddening slightly at the bright smile Paul turned upon her.
“Aw, Kelly. You don’t have to worry about me,” he said teasingly, taking a swallow of his beer and dropping down into a relaxed crouch beside her. He met her gaze, holding it for a moment. He struggled between whether he should allow his deepest emotions to be conveyed in his stare, or if he should shove his feelings down deep inside. Before he could make a decision, Kelly broke away, watching the boys as they whispered among themselves.
“Hmm… well. Speaking of worries, what are you two little devils over there plotting?” She stammered, seeming eager to change the subject. Her cheeks were still pleasantly flushed, and it was all Paul could do to keep from gathering her into his arms. He knew he was pressing his luck. He should consider himself fortunate enough that she even spoke to him, let alone worried about him. Still, at the end of the day, he couldn’t dismiss his feelings for the woman altogether.
“We’re not plotting anything,” Jeffrey squeaked, drawing Paul from his thoughts. The younger boy looked between Paul and his mother with wide eyes, wringing his hands nervously as his mother scrutinized him.
“Yeah, Miss Carpenter. It’s just bro stuff,” James said, dismissively. Kelly’s eyes widened slightly, looking somewhat shocked by the boy’s words. Paul could only guess she was as surprised as he was that they were getting along so well.
“You two are like brothers from another mother,” Paul grinned, and Kelly seemed to blush even deeper, sinking into her lawn chair and pushing her glasses back over her eyes in an attempt to obscure her expression.
“It’s nice that you two are getting so close,” she admitted, gently. Then she shooed the boys away before picking up a glass of lemonade. Paul chuckled, shifting back to his full height as he watched the woman fidget beneath his gaze. “No need to get a big head, you know. Any neighbor worth their weight would be worried about you,” she huffed.
“Maybe. But it’s especially nice considering who my neighbor is,” he hummed. She hesitated a moment before turning up her glass of lemonade and guzzling down every last drop. “That’s not just lemonade, is it?” Paul grinned. She sat the glass down, lowering her glasses to consider him once more.
“Considering my company, I didn’t think I’d be able to get by without a bit of the hard stuff,” she teased. Paul guffawed, then the two fell into a relatively comfortable silence. The man was aware of the two boys glancing over in their direction every few moments, and couldn’t shake the same feeling that Kelly had: that they were plotting something. Whatever it was couldn’t have been too awful, all the same. With the abrupt shift his mood had taken, he wasn’t sure anything could seem awful in that moment.
He just wasn’t sure when that might change.
Something had to give.
Eventually…