Tossing back a shot of whiskey, Paul stared at the black screen of his television. James had not talked to him in some days, not that Paul was in any good shape to hash things out with his son. Both were aching for similar reasons, though James was more upset over the idea of losing his brother figure. As much as he liked Kelly, he had a mother of his own that he could go home to if things got too rough. Paul, however, could not shake the idea that he’d lost his chance at forging a new family, starting life anew. Well, not entirely new, but new enough that he could move past the thousands of mistakes he’d made in his lifetime. He couldn’t shake the woman he loved from his thoughts, couldn’t shake the image of herself in another man’s arms. Not because he was gone, but because he had missed his second chance.
The navy seal poured himself another shot of whiskey, clutching the glass tightly in his hand. Tears had worn what seemed permanent tracks down his cheeks, and he could only wonder how he would move on from this major misstep. It seemed he had little choice but to give up on his chances with Kelly, ignoring the fact that his next door neighbor was the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Inhaling a shuddering breath, he knocked back another shot. The bottle of whiskey was nearly empty, having been full what seemed scarce hours prior. The burn of the alcohol had formed a permanent volcano in his chest, filled with the molten hot pain of love lost. He wanted to pull himself out of this rut, wanted it more desperately than he had ever wanted anything in his life. At least, nearly anything. It seemed as if the grip of his misery would never be content to release him.
He allowed his head to slump back against the back of his chair, eyes fluttering shut as he choked out a sob. He knew it would be more responsible to send James home to his mother, but his son had been so desperate to remain, on the off chance that somehow things would work out. Some way, Paul knew, James expected him to fix this giant mess he had made of things. If he had simply been kinder on his date with Kelly, if only he hadn’t called Jeffrey’s paternity into question… another result of his alcoholic tendencies, in the end. Paul found himself on a self-destructive path, a downward spiral that he couldn’t quite break free from. He knew the whiskey he continued to toss back would do nothing to solve his problems. If anything, it would only exacerbate them. On the chance Kelly did call him, what would he say? He couldn’t meet because he’d been wallowing in self-pity? He was almost comforted by the thought that she wouldn’t call, simultaneously crushed by the fact.
She didn’t need him, she had moved on years ago. Her son would find another man to idolize, another brother figure, another family. She would form another family, and it was an inescapable fact. He should let her go. He should let them move on and be happy with their lives. It was unfair for him to continue laying waste to the perfect life Kelly had attempted to mold for young Jeffrey. He just wanted… he just wanted to make things right.
Eyes fluttering shut, Paul gripped the entire bottle of whiskey in his hand and chugged the remainder of the liquid inside. The burn was sharp, yet it had come to be a comfort in his loneliness. He was just fortunate that his son was too busy losing himself to the virtual realm to pay his father any mind. Paul couldn’t imagine what he would do if he had to face James like this, he couldn’t ignore the tears that continued to spill down his cheeks. Anger brewed inside of him at how weak he had become, tightening his grip on the bottle of whiskey until it began to crack from the force.
“Dammit,” he screamed, throwing the bottle across the room. It crashed against the wall, shards of glass littering the floor. He buried his head in his hands, digging his nails into the tender flesh of his scalp. The sound of footsteps descending the stairs sent a jolt through his heart, and he tried to make himself presentable as his young son stepped into the living area. James watched him with something akin to pity in his eyes, glancing towards the broken shards of glass and striding across the living room. He began to meticulously pick up the pieces, and Paul lurched to his feet in an attempt to wave him off. “Don’t. That’s not your responsibility,” he grunted.
“It’s fine, Dad. It’s something to do, at least,” James smiled weakly, wincing as a small piece of glass pricked his finger. Paul rushed towards him, carefully extracting the piece of glass from his son’s bleeding finger. His hands were clumsy, only serving to drive the glass deeper before he could get a good grip on it. James winced, but remained silent throughout. It was clear that he was trying to maintain his stoicism, but the pain was making it difficult.
“Shit, I’m a worthless father,” Paul groaned, pressing a hand to his forehead. The room was beginning to spin, but he was temporarily caught up in the single minded goal of seeing his son’s hand tended to. He took James by the wrist, pulling him away from the mess that littered the living room floor. Once in the kitchen, he fetched a pair of needle nose pliers from the utility drawer. His hands quaked as he moved to grip his son’s finger again, but James quickly deflected.
“You’re not worthless, Dad. You’re just… hurt. Upset… drunk. Here, let me see those. I can handle it. I have to be a man someday, don’t I?” The young boy smiled weakly, prying the pliers from his father’s grip and yanking the shard of glass free from his hand. The blood began to spill in more of a gush, and Paul’s instincts kicked in as he applied pressure to the wound. “Do we have any bandages?” James prompted, wincing at the pain of the pressure.
“I… I don’t. I can go to the store, but…,” he trailed off, glancing towards the window. “No, shit, alright. We’ll go next door, ask Miss Carpenter if she can spare some bandages, and then we’ll come back home,” he rumbled, guiding James towards the door.
“Dad, we reek! And I don’t want to bother them, they obviously don’t want anything to do with us,” James moaned plaintively, trying to kick his feet down and resist his father’s pull. Paul refused to stop, however, stepping out into the blinding afternoon sun in a pair of bloodstained pajama pants. James wore only a pair of boxers and a t-shirt, and he was obviously embarrassed at the idea of being caught with his pants down, so to speak.
“Kelly will help you, son. I… shit, I can’t right now,” Paul groaned, lumbering across the lawn. He saw the curtains shift in the front window of Kelly’s house, and before he could announce his presence, Jeffrey came stumbling out. The youngest boy’s eyes widened upon seeing the state of the other males he so idolized, and he rushed forward to take James by the hand.
“I’m s-sorry, Jeff. I didn’t mean to bother you,” James mumbled.
“I have bandages with dinosaurs on them. I’ll get you patched up!” Jeffrey announced, guiding the elder boy into the house. Paul lingered outside, not feeling particularly welcome, especially considering the circumstances. He crossed the yard to sit in one of Kelly’s lawn chairs, burying his face in his hands as he waited for his son to emerge. He could hear the shrill voice of the woman he loved demanding to know what happened, and scarcely listened to his son’s explanation. He knew he would look like a terrible father regardless of what was said, so he reasoned his son could at least be truthful.
When soft footsteps approached him, he pulled his face away from his palms to consider his son with a weak smile. However, it wasn’t his son that faced him. Kelly stood in front of him, arms crossed over her chest as she watched him for a moment. He knew he was obviously plastered, and tried to avert his bloodshot eyes. The fact that he’d been sobbing about the end to their relationship was nearly as embarrassing as his insobriety, and he quickly swiped his palm against the tear tracks on his cheeks.
“Paul…,” Kelly began, sounding surprisingly gentle. His breath hitched, and he felt himself growing close to hyperventilating. He knew he should be playing it cool, but cool had been the last thing on Paul’s mind for days. “Paul, calm down. James is fine. He explained… somewhat, but I could put the pieces together. I’m not angry,” she murmured, crouching beside him. He refused to meet her gaze, hands tightening into fists in front of him as he tried to ignore his instinct to bolt from the scene.
“I’m a bad father. I’ve been a bad guy. I never meant… Kelly, I’m so sorry,” he blurted, wishing he could take back the words as soon as they spilled past his lips. Her eyes widened, and she raised a hand to her mouth as if in shock.
“I’m the one who should be sorry, Paul. There’s a lot we need to talk about. I talked to Jeff, and he made it abundantly clear that you weren’t the one who sent James along to ask questions. I shouldn’t have jumped to that conclusion, and it was entirely unfair of me. There’s… more we need to discuss, but now obviously isn’t the time,” Kelly sighed. Paul glanced up, the faintest glimmer of hope shining in his gaze. Was there any chance in hell that the woman might forgive him for his misgivings? It didn’t occur to him to be the slightest bit upset at her own mistakes, he truly couldn’t blame her for not trusting him.
“I’m not in any shape to talk. Does Jeff hate me? I shouldn’t have come over here, but James…,” he trailed off, resting his forehead in his palm again.
“Jeffrey loves you as much as ever. I don’t think anything would make him think poorly of you at this point. James is bandaged up, and I told the boys to exchange apologies. I wanted to… invite you to dinner, tonight. That is, if you’re sober enough to feel up to it,” Kelly offered, reaching out to brush a hand to his cheek. He resisted the desire to press desperately into her touch, trying to retain what little dignity remained. She smiled gently at him, though there was something in her gaze that made him wonder if she was hiding something. He couldn’t begin to guess what might be troubling her, but he could only guess that she was upset at seeing his son in such a state. She’d come to be rather fond of James, as far as he could tell. He wished that fondness extended to himself, but, well, beggars couldn’t be choosers.
“I’d love to join you for dinner. I’m sure James would be happy to spend some time with Jeffrey. All things considered…,” Paul paused, considering the look of uncertainty on Kelly’s face. “I want you to know that I can’t blame you for suspecting that I might have sent James along. As cruel as I was to you, as callous as I was regarding Jeffrey’s father… I deserve every ounce of blame you’ve turned upon me,” he offered, gently. Her eyes pricked with tears, and he wondered if he had said the wrong thing until she fully embraced him in her arms. He stiffened, not expecting the affectionate motion. She simply held tighter until he wrapped his arms around her as well. Her breaths were shuddering, as if she were repressing sobs of her own.
“There’s a lot of explanation that I owe you, honestly. We’ll discuss it over dinner. No offense, but you could use a shower,” she said, somewhat teasingly. Paul managed a smile, brushing a hand through his greasy hair.
“James did suggest that we might be a bit… pungent,” he retorted. Kelly laughed aloud, and for a moment, I felt as if things might return to normal. That troubled look remained in her eyes, however, and something told him that things would never quite be normal again.
“It seems our sons have a bit more sense than us. Jeffrey tried to explain that James was comforting him over his… lack of a paternal figure. I couldn’t understand why it would concern your son, but I’ve come to realize how much they mean to each other. They truly are like brothers, aren’t they…?” She trailed off, her eyes watering. She averted her gaze, wrapping her arms around herself.
“We care about both of you, Kelly. No matter what happens, I’ll always… care about you,” Paul said, haltingly. She smiled a bit, glancing towards the door as James and Jeff emerged from the house. She quirked a brow at Jeff, as if asking him a silent question. He subtly shook his head, grabbing the taller and older boy in a tight hug before taking a step back.
“Will we be seeing you guys at dinner?” Jeffrey inquired, glancing towards Paul with concern in his eyes. The man nodded, rising to his feet and taking James by the hand. James smiled up at his father, though it was clear everyone involved was still troubled to some extent.
“We’re going to get cleaned up, and we’ll be over at five,” Paul replied, gently. James cheered a bit, forcing himself to calm down immediately as all eyes were upon him. He smiled at Kelly and Jeffrey, grabbing Paul by the hand and dragging his father back towards their house. Paul could feel Kelly’s eyes upon him until he stepped back into his home. He leaned back against the door once they were inside, exhaling a weary sigh. James quickly tugged off his dirty and stained t-shirt, rushing towards the downstairs bathroom.
“Get ready, Dad! We don’t want to be late. Jeffrey said that his mom had some stuff to talk to us about. It can only get better from here, right?” James smiled, lingering outside the bathroom door for a moment before disappearing inside. Paul smiled a bit, wishing he could believe that things would be so easily resolved. In spite of the smiles exchanged, he couldn’t help but feel as if the dinner invitation were going to be an excuse to cut all ties. He mused that it would likely be his last chance to tell Kelly how he truly felt. In spite of it being too little, too late, he knew he couldn’t go on without telling the woman how much he loved her.