Travis took me to a private house party that night. It was hosted in a six-bedroom house owned by one of the guys he knew from one of his classes. They served alcohol. We shouldn’t be drinking, but I figured that Travis was with me, a few glasses of margarita wouldn’t hurt. But I didn’t realize I have very low alcohol tolerance, I think I almost passed out after my fourth glass. Travis decided it wouldn’t be good for me to come back to my dorm looking witless, and he thought it was better for me to spend the night in his apartment. I think he was right.
When I woke up again, it was already afternoon. I slipped out of bed and went to Travis’s luxurious bathroom to take a shower. I put on the same jeans I had worn the day before and the extra halter-top I could fit into my bag before I left home.
I was trying to zip the back of my blouse, but somehow the zipper was giving me trouble.
“Damn it!” I cursed. The thing about living with a girl roommate is that you always have somebody to zip you up when your clothes prove to be difficult.
Just then, from the mirror, I saw Travis approach behind me. He saw me struggling with my blouse. Without a word, he took the end of the zipper and gently but firmly pulled it up to zip it.
I smiled at him. “Thank you.”
He looked into my eyes from the mirror. “Hungry?” he asked.
“Yep. And still a little dizzy,” I replied.
He stared at me as if he was measuring me up, deciding if I was sober enough to handle myself without further assistance from him. When he was convinced I was going to be okay, he said, “I’ll just take a quick shower and let’s go to lunch.”
Half an hour later, I was feeling a little better after I’d had a soda and some hot Chinese noodles.
“Heaven,” I breathed.
“Do you remember half the things you did last night?” he asked.
My eyes widened and I felt nervous. I prepared myself for what he was about to say.
“You made out with one of the frat boys.”
“Shit!” I gasped. “You’re kidding!” Did I really do that? I couldn’t remember anything.
He laughed. “Of course I am,” he said. “Did you really think a guy can come less than a foot away from you when you’re with me?”
“Thanks!” I muttered. “You’re my potential-boyfriend repellant!”
“That I am,” he said, taking a sip of his soda.
“Continue doing that, Travis, and I really will end up marrying you! I still have to be married by the time I’m thirty-one, remember?”
He laughed. “You’re right! I should actually be pimping you. Fancy guys who go to Yale—what do you want? Blue eyes? Green eyes? Blond hair? Black hair?” he teased.
“Stop that, Travis!” I said. “Let me find my own boyfriend at my own time. Besides, I’ve learned a lot from Trip. I would only be worrying about my relationships four years before my deadline. College is just about having fun.”
He nodded. “Good. Just warn me if anybody sticks around long enough.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want you to mess up your chance to marry the guy of your dreams.”
“Why would you do that?”
“I won’t. But…Brianne…do you even notice the kind of relationship we have?” he raised a brow at me, asking me a serious question.
“We’re…friends. And we’re really close. I don’t hide anything from you. I can tell you everything. You’re the only family I have. I love you, like I loved Tom.”
“And you sure hug me a lot,” he pointed out.
I shrugged. “I hugged Tom a lot, too.”
“Except that I’m not Tom. I’m not your brother.”
I stared up at him, wondering what his point really was. Was he telling me I should stop being affectionate toward him? Oh God, this is embarrassing!
I looked away from him. But he was quick to tilt my chin up so I could look into his eyes. “Don’t get me wrong, princess. I like it when you hug me. And just in case you didn’t notice, I hug you a lot, too. When Tom was alive, I saw how affectionate you were with each other and I always wished I had a brother or a sister that I could share that bond with. I always envied him…because he had you.” Pain and guilt crossed his face. “Now…I have you…I have what you had with him. I’m happy. But it…came with a great price.”
I bit my lip, and pain stabbed through me again as I remembered Tom.
“I’m just saying we both like what we have. We know the tie that binds us together. Tom was more a brother to me than a friend. And the worst pain I went through when I lost him…there is only one other person in the world who felt that exact same pain. Only one person went through what I went through. That’s you, Brianne. But this relationship…your future boyfriends might not always understand this…because they know I’m not your brother. We’re not related by blood at all. So…if you fall in love and get serious with a guy, let me know.”
“And what? You’ll stay away?”
He smiled ruefully. “I think I’ve proven that no matter how bad the circumstances are, I still can’t stay away from you. After all, how can I keep you safe if I am not around? But I won’t make it difficult for you, Brianne. I know where I should stand. I’ll draw my boundaries once the right guy for you comes along.”
I smiled at him and leaned forward to kiss his cheek. “Thank you, Travis.”
I don’t know why…I wasn’t entirely happy about what he said. A part of me felt surprisingly…sad.
After lunch, I told Travis that I needed to go shopping. Travis patiently walked around the mall with me while I bought some clothes. He sat on couches and when I came out after trying on some clothes, he told me whether they looked okay or not, or he shrugged or grunted, which, according to my interpretation, meant either ‘okay’ or ‘no way.’
When I walked into a lingerie shop, he rolled his eyes. “You’re not serious, are you?”
I laughed. “Then don’t come inside. Stay here. I’ll do this alone.”
It’d been months since I’d last bought undergarments, and I took that moment to buy different colors and styles. Most of them were my usual, lacy-elegance and cottony-innocence types of undies and pajamas.
I realized I didn’t have a sexy pair of underwear. The last time I bought one was when I was with Cindy. When I bought a nice pair of underwear…in lieu of my night with…
I shut the memory out and instead concentrated on the two styles of night garments. One was a green, lacy, long-sleeved nightgown with a deep neckline and ruffles down to the ankle, but with a slit all the way up to the thigh. The other one was a lavender spaghetti-strap nightdress with lace over the silk breast line that ended inches above the knees.
They both looked nice. I held them both in front of me, and I couldn’t decide which one to buy. I was not even sure when I would wear them. But they just might come in handy, I thought. And besides, how often did I get a chance to shop for underwear?
Just then, Travis came from behind me and took the green nightgown from me and placed it back on the rack. I stared up at him. He stared at me for a moment. He gave me a wink and then he sat on the couch and scanned through a magazine. I knew I was blushing. I turned away from Travis and took the lavender nightie along with the rest of the items I want to buy to the counter.
No! No! No! I tried to calm myself. I don’t think I gave the cashier the right amount of cash and I was sure the look she gave me was meant to say, Stop smoking your socks, okay?
I took a few short breaths to calm myself before I faced Travis again. He stood up from the couch and headed out of the shop without looking at me.
When Travis drove me back home, it was almost eight in the evening.
He parked in my driveway and rounded the car so he could open the door for me.
“So, this was a nice catch-up,” I said.
He nodded.
I looked up at him. I could see the contours of his handsome face illuminated by the moonlight. I could tell why hundreds of girls went crazy for him. Even I, in some small weird moments, found myself dazzled by him.
“We should really do this more often, Trav,” I said. “It’s a shame that we don’t see each other often when we’re in the same city!”
He smiled. “I guess you’re right. We should hang out more.”
I nodded. Then I held out my pinky to him. He and Thomas hooked pinkies and bumped fists when Thomas was alive.
The look on his face when he saw my pinky was hard and pained. But he managed to raise his eyes to me and smiled. He hooked his pinky to mine and gently bumped his fist with mine, careful not to hurt me even just a little bit.
“Stay safe, until we see each other again,” he said.
“Stay sane…until we see each other again.” I smiled.
I turned toward my dorm again. Just then, my phone rang. An unregistered number appeared on the screen. I answered it.
“My new number,” Travis said.
I turned around to face him. “When did you change your number?”
“The other night.”
“There are only two possible reasons why you would do that.”
He grinned. “The first one you thought of.” His father.
“And the second reason?” Girls.
He chuckled. “Not even close. I don’t loosely give my number around, sweetheart.”
I laughed. “All right, I’ll put it on my speed dial,” I promised him. “I mean it, Travis. I hope we can see each other more. College life can be…scary. It’s nice to know I have an ally close by.”
He nodded. “Anyway, you have my number. Call me anytime you need me.”
“Thanks, Travis.” I smiled at him. “Drive safely…if not for your sake, then for mine.”
“For you, I will.” He gave me one last wink and then he drove off.
When I got to my room, I stared at Travis’s number for a while. I saved it on my speed dial, and then I smiled to myself.
“You said you weren’t sleeping with that guy!” Sarah interrupted my thoughts.
I sighed and put my paper bags on the bed.
“I’m not.”
“Where did you sleep last night?” she asked accusingly.
“Just because I slept in his apartment does not mean I was actually sleeping with him.”
“I don’t understand how you could spend one whole weekend with a guy as hot as that and not feel anything!”
I smiled at her. “I love him,” I said. “As I would my lost brother. He’s a replacement brother. I probably am a replacement best friend. He’s got a complicated life. He’s alone most of the time. He feels that the people he loves usually leave him, and so he finds it difficult to love.”
“And you’re honestly telling me that…you never felt anything for him?”
I hesitated for a while. I saw Travis as a brother. Okay, there were times when he actually stole my breath and made me blush from head to toe. I guess Travis was right. Although in my heart I wanted to treat him like Tom, a huge part of my brain knew that he wasn’t really my blood. But I couldn’t entertain any of those thoughts. That was precisely the reason why he tried his best to make me forget that night…
I looked up at Sarah, hoping she couldn’t see the hesitation or doubt in my face. “It’s especially hard when you grew up with the guy. I was used to always having him there.”
I guessed I would always have him around from then on. Remembering Travis and how at ease and emotionless he was when he zipped my blouse, and chose that lavender nightdress, what happened between us at prom seemed eons away. It was like he didn’t remember it at all.
Well, of course! He was, after all, Travis Cross! That night was probably just another night for him. And I was just another girl. And if that were the case, I refused to be part of a statistic. The memory of that night was best left forgotten.