I went home for spring break. The house was the same as it was when I left it; my parents still weren’t around. Cindy decided not to go back that break, so I was alone at home and totally bored.
It was only my first day back. I laid down on my bed and played with my phone. On impulse, I pressed the button to dial Travis’s number.
“Everything well?” he asked after two rings.
“I’m so bored!” I complained.
“What do you want to do?”
“No idea! Are you busy?”
“Nope. Just playing pool,” he replied. He didn't say anything for a while, and then he said, “Okay, I’ll give you something to do tonight.”
“What?”
“Pack your bags. I’m taking you to the lake house tomorrow.”
Sheer excitement went through me. “You’re not joking, are you?”
“Do I look like I have a sense of humor?”
I laughed. “No, you don’t. But I know you do,” I said. “That would be awesome! What do I have to bring?”
“Your clothes?” His tone almost added "Duh!" to his question.
“What about sleeping bags?”
“Forget it,” he said. “I’ll take you to the lake house, but we’re not camping there. It’s not safe enough for you.”
“Okay. What time you will pick me up?”
“Six-thirty in the morning,” he replied.
“Yay! I can’t wait!”
I hastily packed my clothes and anything else I thought I would need for the next couple of days. I went to sleep early that night. When I woke up around three in the morning, I found Travis sleeping on my couch. I smiled to myself and went to the cabinet to get an extra blanket, and then placed it over him. Then I went back to sleep.
We both woke up early and were ready to go by six-thirty in the morning.
“How did you get in last night?” I asked.
“I still have your keys,” he replied.
I laughed. I’d forgotten that I gave him an extra set of keys just in case he needed to crash for the night.
“Your parents are home?”
He shook his head. “I don’t know. I don’t care. I don’t go to my parents’ house anymore. I don’t want to risk running into him.”
“Then where do you stay?”
“I have my own properties here and there.”
“Your own?”
“My grandparents from my mother’s side left me with the means to live comfortably…even without my parents,” he replied. “Do you wonder why my father hasn’t been able to ground me or force me to bend to his will since I was fifteen?”
I shook my head. I did always wonder about that.
“Because I’ve been living like an adult since I was fifteen, Brianne,” he said. “My grandparents’ lawyers…they found a way around it. I got money that my father couldn’t touch, and I gained access to it earlier than he thought I would. I could actually sue my father for everything that he did to me. But I let it pass…for the sake of my mother, and the family name.”
Before we drove off, I asked him, “Can we make a stop?”
“Where?”
“Thomas,” I replied.
He looked at me for a while and then he nodded. We drove to the town’s cemetery. I brought flowers and lit a candle. I realized that the wax on the candleholder looked fresh. As if somebody had just lit one before me.
“Someone was here,” I said.
Travis took a deep breath. “Me.”
I looked at him. “When?”
“Last night,” he replied curtly.
I smiled and reached out to squeeze his hand. “You still miss him.”
He looked at me and then he looked back at Thomas’s tombstone.
I imagined Travis standing at my brother’s grave for hours, just talking to himself, as if Thomas was right there beside him. I felt pain shoot through my chest and there was a lump in my throat that kept me from speaking.
Travis put an arm around me. “I told him I was going to the lake house with you. I promised him I’d keep you safe.”
I hugged Travis. I couldn’t help thinking how different things would have been if Thomas had lived. The three of us would have had a blast at the lake house. And even if they didn’t like it, I still would have found a way to convince them to take me camping with them.
“Thank you, Travis,” I whispered. “We’re not so different, you and I, you know.”
“Why?”
I stared up at him. “When Thomas died, you were all I had, too.”
He gave me a tight squeeze and kissed my forehead. “So don’t make it difficult for me to keep you, okay?”
I nodded. “Promise I won’t lose you, too?”
He nodded. “I promise.” Then he leaned his cheek against my forehead.
***
Travis’s family had a huge house overlooking the lake. Although they barely stayed there, they still kept at least three maids and one help boy. When we arrived, the whole house was lit. Everything has been prepared; the whole house was cleaned. It was like they’d spent hours preparing for the “master’s” return.
“Welcome back, Master Travis.” A familiar old lady greeted us by the door. I recognized Mrs. Beets, the Cross’s oldest family maid. She smiled at me. “Welcome, Miss Brittany.” She still called me by my full name.
I reached forward and gave her a hug, which startled her for a moment. I guess in the world of the rich, the maids don’t often receive hugs. “It must have been years since I last saw you, Mrs. Beets!”
She smiled. “Yes, it had been a long time, Miss Brittany.” Then she looked at Travis. “I prepared an extra room when you said you’d be bringing a friend with you. I didn’t realize it was Miss Brittany. Would you rather she stayed in the same room as you?”
I laughed. “I can take the room, Mrs. Beets. Travis always takes the couch when I sleep in the same room as him. And I think he’s here to unwind. I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable.”
Mrs. Beets nodded. “Certainly. Come, I’ll show you to your room. Leave your bags. Jonathan will take them up.”
The guest room I would be staying in was huge, and the bed was luxurious. It had a huge balcony that connected to Travis’s room. It overlooked the lake, and I was pretty sure the view would be splendid at night.
“You find your accommodation suitable to your liking?” Travis asked behind me, appearing from the glass doors of his bedroom.
I nodded. “Yes, thank you,” I replied. “When was the last time you came here?”
He sighed. “Too long ago. Thomas was still alive then. I promised to take him here after freshman year.”
“And instead, you took me.”
“Close enough.”
“That’s the reason why you changed your mind about coming here?”
He nodded. “I planned to come. And I wasn’t gonna do it alone.”
“So I’m doing you a favor instead.”
He smiled. “Thank you for telling me you were bored.”
That night, we drank at the gazebo by the lake. We told each other stories about our college life. Travis was taking up business administration at Yale. His father wanted him to go to Brown, where he went, but I think I was one of the reasons why Travis chose Yale. He had to be close to where I was to look after me. I was touched by his dedication.
The moon was shining brightly over us. I’d had a couple of shots of flavored vodka, and I was pretty sure the world was spinning gently.
“Want to go for a swim?” I asked him, suddenly feeling brazen.
He raised a brow. “Are you out of your mind?”
I shook my head. I stood up from my seat and took off my shirt and shorts. I was wearing a two-piece suit underneath. I gave out a squeal and jumped into the water. It only took a second for Travis to jump in after me.
I laughed.
“You’re really out of your mind, you know!” he grunted.
“You said we were here to have fun!”
“Yes. But I also promised you’d be safe,” he argued.
“It is safe!” I countered.
“Just the same, stay close!” he ordered.
The water was cold. The lake was illuminated by only the moonlight and the little light coming from the gazebo over us. It was so different from the college life I’d just left. Here, it felt peaceful. And then when I saw Travis’s careful, protective eyes watching me, I smiled. It felt very safe, too.
“You met any friends in college?” I asked him.
He shrugged. “Just acquaintances.”
I raised a brow. “You keep to yourself, as usual?”
“I want to stay focused. People come and go in your life. I don’t see the need to be emotionally involved with them.”
“Oh, come on! I can’t be the only person you love in your life,” I said.
He raised a brow. “You’re lucky you were Tom’s little sister!”
“Yeah. Otherwise, I don’t think you’d even care at all,” I said.
He gave me a serious look, but he didn’t say anything.
“Right?”
He sighed. “It doesn’t matter what could have been. You’re important to me now,” he said in a cold, irritated voice.
I smiled at him. “Thank you.”
We swam for another half an hour. Travis never kept his distance. He followed me wherever I swam as if he were afraid I would not emerge from the water every time I went under it.
When I realized it was getting colder, I swam toward the gazebo and started to climb the stairs. But the rails were slippery, and I just landed right back in the water. Travis was behind me and caught me before I landed in the water with a big splash.
He had a firm arm around my waist as he held me against him. I stared up at his handsome face illuminated by the moonlight. I struggled to breathe properly at that moment. Travis was heartbreakingly handsome. Too cute…even for me. But I couldn’t see him that way. So I shook myself back to reality and laughed.
“Sorry,” I said. I held on to the rails again. Travis didn’t let me go until I pulled myself up the ladder again. This time, I held on to the rails more firmly. When I climbed each step, Travis climbed after me. I felt his body against my back, making sure I didn’t fall off again. I climbed the ladder slowly, and he took each step after me until I reached the last one and walked toward to our table. The cold breeze blew, and I immediately shivered.
It was an unplanned swim, and we hadn’t brought any towels.
Travis took his buttoned shirt from the chair and put it around me, keeping me a little warm.
“Come. Let’s get you back to the house,” he said calmly.
“Don’t you feel cold?” I asked.
“I’m impervious!” he muttered under his breath, and I wasn’t sure if he was talking to me or to himself.
He started to walk toward the house. It was too cold, and I was shivering, hugging Travis’s shirt around me. I couldn’t walk fast enough.
Travis raised a brow as he watched me walk toward him. Then he muttered something under his breath and without warning, he took a step toward me and scooped me up into his arms.
“Hey! I can walk perfectly fine!” I protested.
“Yes. But at that rate, we’ll reach the house next weekend!” he argued.
Travis strode toward the house. I was thankful he carried me. It was still a good fifty yards’ walk, and Travis’s body heat kept me from shivering even more.
Once inside, he still didn’t let me go. He climbed the stairs and only set me on my feet in front of my bedroom door.
“Thanks!” I said.
He looked at me for a while and then he said, “Goodnight. We’ll go biking in the woods tomorrow.”
I smiled. “I thought you didn’t want me near those woods.”
“I said I wouldn’t allow you to camp. But biking should be fine.”
“Thanks, Travis.” I went inside my room. Only after I closed the door behind me did my breathing became even. I didn’t know the effect that Travis sometimes had on me. I felt as affectionate to him as I did with Tom, but it was different, too. Travis could steal my breath, make my heart pound wildly inside my chest, and make me blush from the roots of my hair. But right then, that was not something I wanted to entertain.
I woke up early the next morning. I went to the kitchen where Mrs. Beets was preparing some ingredients to cook our breakfast.
“Good morning, Miss Brittany. I see you’re an early riser.”
“Not all the time,” I said. “What are you cooking?”
“Ham and cheese omelets.”
“Can I cook?”
She looked at me for a moment as if she was appalled by the idea.
“It’s okay. I want to prepare something for Travis,” I said and I went to the counter to look at the ingredients.
I walked to the fridge and gathered butter, onions, ham, mushrooms, and cheese.
Mrs. Beets helped me by slicing the ham and vegetables. Then I heated the pan and started cooking. In a few minutes, my omelet was perfect. Mrs. Beets cooked the bacon and toasted the bread.
“We’ll have breakfast on the patio,” I said to her.
“Certainly. I will ask Maria to set the table.” She smiled at me. “It is very good that you are taking care of the young Master.”
I laughed. “I think it is the other way around. He’s taking care of me.”
“But still, I have not seen anyone else actually reach out and make him feel…loved. Except for your brother, of course. That is why Master Travis was devastated when…” She trailed off, and then she looked at me carefully.
“I was, too,” I said sadly. “Travis and I are not so different. I guess that is why we’re looking out for each other.”
Mrs. Beets nodded. “I think you’re the only family he has left now. His parents barely really cared about their son. They kept him very well provided-for. But they forgot that he needed love more than he needed the money.”
“My parents haven’t been too mindful of me, either. Since my brother passed, it has been difficult for me to get their attention. Travis seems like the only family I have now, too.”
“Then it is good that you still have each other,” Mrs. Beets said. “Go wake him up. Breakfast is ready.”
I knocked on Travis’s door, but there was no answer. I opened the door gently and peeked in. I found him sleeping on his tummy, snoring quietly on the bed. He was shirtless and I could see the contours of the well-toned muscles in his back. He was wearing only a pair of black pajama pants.
I tiptoed and tapped his shoulders lightly.
Things happened so fast, and I didn’t have time to think. I felt myself whirling, or flying, and then landing on the soft mattress. I closed my eyes and whimpered silently. I lay still on the bed, waiting for any sign of movement. I realized that I was on my back on the mattress. There was a heavy weight on top of me, pinning me down, holding me firmly by the shoulders.
Then I heard a deep intake of breath. I felt Travis lean his forehead against my chin.
“Dammit, Brianne! What were you doing in my bedroom?” he asked in a hoarse voice.
He released my shoulders, but I remained pinned between his body and his mattress. I opened my eyes. I realized that I was shocked and scared. “I…was going to wake you up to tell you that breakfast was ready. I cooked omelets for…you.” I stared back at his handsome, guarded face, completely scared that he might strangle me.
He narrowed his eyes as he stared back at me. “You cooked for me?” he asked as if he found it so hard to believe.
I nodded. Travis’s expression immediately softened.
“Damn! I’m sorry!” he said. And he leaned forward to put his arms around me. He rolled from the bed, taking me with him so that I was lying on top of him instead. He hugged me to him. “I’m sorry. I thought…” He fell silent for a moment. “I guess…I’ve lived alone too long. I wasn’t expecting anybody to be at my bedside when I woke up. I’m sorry. I’m usually not a violent person.”
I didn’t say anything. We lay there for a while. I tried to recover from my shock while Travis held me in his arms, comforted me and caressed my head.
“I’m sorry,” he repeated quietly. “I hope you can forgive me.”
I knew Travis would never hurt me. It was his thing to be defensive all the time. He wasn’t expecting anyone else to be in his room.
“I forgive you,” I whispered. Then I looked up at him. “Do you have death threats that make you so defensive, even in your sleep?”
He took a deep breath. “Force of habit, I guess,” he replied. “My father had his bodyguards kidnap me in the middle of my sleep many times in the past. I…learned to be alert even when I had my eyes closed.”
“Why…would your father do that?”
“Because I didn’t bend to his will. Because I disappeared on him all the time. Because I refused to come home when he was in town. He had to…employ harsh means to get his son to see him. I had to learn how to defend myself against his bodyguards.”
“Why do you have such a broken relationship with your father?”
“Didn’t I tell you not to hold your breath for that story? I’m not going to talk about it. Not for a very long time.”
“But he would know you’re here. Won’t he come look for you here?”
“He won’t come here. Unless he wants to be arrested for trespassing,” Travis replied.
I propped up on my elbow so I could stare back at him. One of his arms was still secured around my waist.
“But isn’t this your family’s estate?”
Travis reached forward to push a lock of hair away from my face. “This is my estate. My grandparents left it to me when they died. My father is not allowed to come here.”
“Why?”
“It’s early morning, princess. I don’t want to ruin my day by talking about him,” he said, raising a brow at me.
I don’t know how it was possible, but Travis looked even more endearing in the mornings. The warmth in his face, the sleepy eyes, and the disheveled bed hair looked even sexier on him.
I gave myself a mental shake. I pulled away from him. “Breakfast is ready,” I said. I stood up from the bed and held my hand out to him.
He smiled, took my hand, and allowed me to pull him out of bed.
“I guess this will be the last time I will sneak up on you in your sleep,” I said.
“Maybe I should learn to look first before I attack,” he said apologetically. He reached up to cup my face in his palms. “I’m really sorry, Brianne. You know I would never hurt you.”
I smiled up at him. “I know, Travis. I forgive you.”
He smiled, and then gently he pulled my face to his and kissed my forehead.
I looked up at him. “Come, breakfast’s getting cold and you promised you’d take me biking today.”
We went to the woods on mountain bikes. I rode in front of Travis. He didn’t like the idea that I was not in his line of sight as we rode. The path led to a meadow overlooking the lake, and we stopped for a while to admire the view.
“It feels so different here,” I said. “Like we’re far away from the rest of the world.”
“I used to come here a lot…when I was younger. Here it didn’t make a difference whether my parents came home or not. My father almost never set foot on this property. It wasn’t his. It belonged to my grandparents.”
“Did you ever come here with Tom?”
He shook his head. “We planned to. But we never got the chance.”
I took a deep breath. “Would you rather you were with him today?” I asked absent-mindedly, looking at the beautiful view in front of us.
Travis didn’t answer immediately. Then he said, “No. I wouldn’t want you not to be here, either.”
I stared back at him and smiled. “When we were kids, we fought a lot,” I said. “I hated you. You teased me a lot. And I couldn’t understand how Tom could be best friends with you.”
“Who would have thought we’d grow this close, right?”
“Who would have known that Travis Cross would learn to love me like a sister?” I giggled.
“Who would have known I would learn to love at all?” he countered in a sober voice.
I felt for Travis. He could be one of the smartest, one of the cutest guys I had known, and also one of the richest…but somehow, something inside him was torn and broken. It was like if he hadn’t been so smart and so in control of his emotions, he would have been all over the place, spreading chaos.
“Maybe you should try to fall in love,” I blurted out. “Maybe you’d see the world differently if…you had a woman who made your world spin.” I smiled at him teasingly.
He raised a brow at me, as if what I’d told him just plain insulted him.
“And then what? There are only two possible endings to that. Either I make her fall desperately in love with me, and then I shred her soul to pieces and leave her heartbroken, or I love her desperately, I would give her everything and give everything up for her and she…leaves me. And my already-damned soul is shred to pieces.” He shook his head. “I don’t want to bestow such a tragedy on another human being.”
I almost got mad at Travis. How could he be this negative? How could he be so bitter about love?
I bit my lip to keep myself from saying what was on my mind. Instead, I stared at the view ahead of me and decided just to tune it out. There were times that I couldn’t understand the twisted and sad way Travis saw life…and love. When he said those words, I couldn’t help wondering if he was a hopeless case. He was so…cold.
I didn’t speak to Travis until we were close to town. I rode the bike as fast as I could, as if I were riding alone. He knew I was pissed off, but he didn’t say anything.
Just then, I saw him overtake me, and he stopped in front of me, forcing me to brake and glare at him. He raised a brow.
“Stop, okay?” he said. He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry.”
“What are you sorry for? You didn’t do anything wrong to me!”
“I know I pissed you off.”
“It’s my problem for caring, Travis!” I snapped, getting off my bike. He got off his bike, too, and stood in front of me.
“I can’t help how I feel right now!” he said.
“I can’t help being pissed off, either!”
“What actually made you mad? You know me better than anybody else!” he said, trying his best not to lose his temper.
“That! Because I know you’re not the vile, ruthless person you were trying to be! Otherwise, I would not have asked you to be my safety guy!” Anger and other unidentified emotions swept through me. Before I knew it, I was losing my temper at him. I wanted desperately for him to see the person I saw whenever I looked at him. I wanted him to realize what a beautiful person he was.
I continued glaring at him. “And you know what? That person who you would shred to pieces could be me, Travis! Did you think about that? In a few years, if fate compels me to call on your promise to marry me, I would have to live with you, and I could be that person you tear apart! It’s like you’re telling me I was all wrong about you! That you’re hopeless! That no matter what, you just don’t give a damn! That you didn’t care! That…I gave myself to a guy who didn’t care! And would never ever care! That…”
Travis pulled me into his arms, preventing me from finishing that sentence. “Stop!” he said firmly, but his voice was pleading. “Don’t say that!”
I realized that I was crying. In my anger, I couldn’t help but bring up the night we spent together…the night that I was supposed to forget. Travis held me by the nape of my neck, keeping my face pressed against his chest. One arm circled my waist into a tight hug.
“You’re not supposed to remember that,” he whispered to me gently.
“Maybe my memory is a lot better than yours,” I sobbed against his chest. Now I’d really opened a whole can of emotions I didn’t even know I had. Travis and I never spoke about that night, nor the reasons why he stayed away from me after that. “That night was not just a part of a statistic to me. Unfortunately, the first guy I gave myself to…I was just one of many girls to him!” I muttered angrily.
Travis fell silent for a while and then he inhaled through my hair and tightened his arms around me. “Just because he is not supposed to care doesn’t mean he really doesn’t care. Just because he’s not supposed to remember, doesn’t mean he could forget,” he whispered.
“Which one are you?” I asked.
He took another deep breath before answering, “The latter. That night…was the only night that mattered to me,” he said. “So, please don’t say that I didn’t care. Because I did. Even though I was not supposed to.”
I pulled away to look into his eyes. He stared at me for a while. I could see all sorts of emotions cross his face as if he was having a hard time fighting his feelings, too. Then slowly, he leaned forward. I thought he was going to kiss me. I closed my eyes. I realized I wanted him to.
But then I heard his deep intake of breath. I opened my eyes. He was able to stop himself from doing what I thought he was going to do. “I cannot lose you, Brianne. Not in any way,” he said. “And for that, I must not remember what happened that night.”
I bit my lip as I took a deep breath. “Why?”
He heaved a sigh. “Because…because I would go after you if I kept remembering! I would pursue you. I would seduce you! It took me months to get you out of my system after that night!” He shook his head. “I could only be one guy or the other. And I chose the one that has less risk of breaking you…of losing you.”
I blinked back at him. “Travis…what are you saying?”
“I’m saying I’m like two people trapped in one body. One is the guy who vowed to protect you from all sorts of pain for as long as he lived. The other…wants you and craves you in ways you do not know of.” He took a deep breath and he looked at me with shame in his eyes. “I’m a player, Brianne! I’m one of those guys I need to protect you from! Do you understand my pain?”
I closed my eyes for a moment, and then I nodded. He smiled at me ruefully. “And I know you think better of me. You have faith in me. Let’s just hope that someday, I can be worthy of that faith.” And he leaned forward and kissed my forehead. He lingered there for a moment.
I didn’t know what to feel. Happy? Because somehow, Travis did not seem so immune to me, the way that I sometimes was not immune to him. Scared? Because this meant there would always be this sexual tension between us that threatened to tear us apart forever. Confused? Because I didn’t know which of the two feelings I would rather feel.
“I’m sorry, Travis,” I said to him. “I complicated us. Because I asked you to…because I was selfish! I didn’t even know what it would do to you…to us! I am so sorry!”
Travis hugged me again. “I’m not an angel, Brianne,” he said. “You cannot blame yourself for this entirely. Have you forgotten? Nobody could force me to do something I didn’t want to do. How sure are you that I didn’t want you before you asked me to…be your first? How sure are you that I only saw you as Thomas’s silly little sister? As my own sister?” He heaved a sigh again.
I raised my chin to him. “Do you?”
He looked at me with that pained expression again. And in a frustrated voice, he said, “Do you think I would have taken you that night if I did? Nothing about that night felt wrong! But it’s not going to change anything. I still promised to protect you…from whatever pain, whatever harm. I promised I wouldn’t hurt you. I’m not going to risk your feelings…your safety. And I wouldn’t betray Tom that way. I know he would never agree. When we were growing up, he already warned me. When I told him once that I thought you were beautiful, he told me that I could have all the girls in the world…except for you. I knew I couldn’t have you from the start.
“When you asked me to take you, it was like…giving the devil a chance to step into heaven. I tried so hard to forget who you were that night. And I tried harder to forget what happened afterward. That night haunted me day and night. It wasn’t enough. There’s a beast inside of me, whose need for you cannot be satiated by just one night.” He took a deep breath. “But I’m not going to lose control, Brianne. Not with you. You deserve better. You deserve a guy who can give you his heart and soul…completely. Whose personality is just as positive and sunny as yours. A guy who won’t suck the life and sunshine out of you and leave you in the cold.”
I felt for Travis when he said that. He was honest enough to tell me that he was not immune to me…but he could not offer me what I deserved. I couldn’t lose Travis in any way, either. And even though there was this tension between us, I knew we had to fight it. All we had was each other.
I smiled at him. “Thank you,” I whispered. “For being honest,” I said. “And for keeping your control. For shielding me from the beast inside you. That must take a lot of work.”
He chuckled humorlessly. “Tons!” he said. Then he looked at me seriously. He leaned his head toward mine. He took a deep breath. “Don’t make it any harder for me, okay?”
I giggled. “I promise not to seduce you.”
“Sometimes that’s a problem,” he said. “For a gorgeous girl like you, you achieve seduction without trying!” He took a deep breath. “But it’s my problem to deal with. Not yours. And it helps when we’re together more. Sometimes, becoming numb needs a lot of practice.”
“So I guess, this is one of the conversations we had that we must forget…must never speak about ever again.”
He nodded. “Put it in your memory vault. Lock it up and throw away the key.”
I pulled away from him. “Promise.” I held my pinky out for him.
He smiled and then he hooked his pinky with mine. “I mean it, Brianne. I’m still your safety guy…and from me, you will always be safe.”