My mother was ecstatic about the turnout of my exhibition. My pieces were sold out.
“You were sold for fifty grand!” she told me excitedly.
“What?”
“Your portrait. The crying lady, as I like to call it, sold for fifty thousand bucks,” she said. “There were three bidders. But the woman who bought it meant business. Upped the price to fifty grand to eliminate competition. The rest of your pieces sold for at least ten grand. You’re going to be famous one day!”
I smiled. “That’s great. But I’ll get the details of the sale later, Mom. I’m gonna be late for my flight.”
I decided to go to Manhattan again. Eric had agreed to come with me. I could tell he was worried about me, too.
My mother stared at me wearily. But she said, “Good luck.”
I met Eric at the airport. “Are you worried about me, or are you here just to make sure I’m not going to make a fool of myself?”
“That too,” he said, grinning, taking my bags, and leading me to the checkin counters.
Since Travis didn’t want to see me in his office, I decided to try our…his apartment.
I just got out of the cab with Eric behind me when I saw Travis heading toward the entrance of his building.
“Travis!” I called to him. My heart was pounding in my chest. I think I wasn’t even breathing.
He didn’t seem to hear me. He turned to the beautiful blonde beside him, put a hand on her back and guided her inside the building. Karl seemed to hear me, though. He looked at me, and then he smiled apologetically. He gave me a slight nod, and he went inside to follow Travis.
I didn’t know what I was going to feel. Angry, sad, humiliated, heartbroken…all those emotions inside seemed to be overpowering each other, trying to see which one would break me down first.
I felt the overpowering desire to settle this…once and for all. I thought he was just caving in. Trying to deal with our problems on his own. And then when he was ready, he would come to see me.
But who was that woman? If she was a business associate, then what the hell was she doing inside our apartment? That man was still my husband! If he wanted to screw other women, then he had to make sure he was man enough to face me…and finally end this! He couldn’t keep running away from me and keep me hanging in the balance.
I ran toward the building, attempting to follow them, but immediately, I was stopped by security, even before I could take one step into the doorway. He was new. I hadn’t seen him before.
“Do you have business coming here, ma’am?” he asked me in a polite voice.
“Travis Cross,” I replied.
“What’s your name, ma’am?” he asked.
“Brittany Montgomery.”
He took his notes and flipped through the pages.
“I’m sorry, ma’am. I don’t see your name here.”
“What list is that?”
“The list of visitors allowed access to Mr. Cross’s apartment without prior appointment,” he replied. “No Montgomery.”
“Must be an old list. I used to live here.”
He shook his head. “I just got this copy last week. All tenants are asked to update the list at least every six months and whenever it is necessary.”
“What about Cross? Brittany Cross.”
He shook his head. “No. His visitor list is… well, empty.” He replied. “Are you a sibling or a relative?”
I shook my head. I was on the verge of tears now, but I tried to keep it together. “Thanks anyway,” I said to him.
“You can give him a call now, and he can speak to us to let you in,” the guy offered, obviously feeling a little sorry for me.
I shook my head. “Not necessary,” I said. “Thank you.”
“Ma’am, I’m really sorry. But we have strict policies in this building. Only tenants and visitors authorized by them are allowed inside. Actually, Mr. Cross does not allow anybody to come up without prior notice.”
“I used to be a tenant here. Actually, I used to be his wife.”
The guy was taken aback. “I’m really sorry. I will call my manager. Mr. Ferguson could fix this. I’m new here. It’s the first time I’ve seen you. You can wait at the lobby while we sort it out.”
I shook my head. Sure, Mr. Ferguson knew me. But it was pretty obvious Travis didn’t want me in the apartment. “Thank you. You’re very good at your job. But it’s not necessary anymore. Goodbye.”
I walked down the street blindly. Eric was walking beside me quietly. Tears kept rolling down my cheeks. I didn’t know where I was going. I didn’t know what I was feeling. I just wanted to get away from Travis’s building.
We must have walked ten blocks before Eric finally pulled my hand.
“Stop!” he commanded. And when I stared at him, I thought I saw a trace of the Eric that I used to love. The one who was strong enough to be my man before he admitted to me he was something else. He hugged me to him. I cried on his shoulder.
“Don’t you think you’ve been humiliated enough now?” he asked me, and I could hear a trace of anger in his voice.
I could not believe that Travis, who couldn’t even make time to see me or answer my calls, had had the time to see another woman and bring her to our apartment! If he hadn’t told me that he loved me, I would have understood. He was a player before I married him. But everything had changed…he was no longer that man. He had committed himself to me. And I was still his wife. He had still promised to take care of me…to make me happy. Why was he the cause of all my misery now?
I got that he was really angry and hurt…but had he really just erased me from his memory and simply not cared about how I felt anymore? Not even as a friend? And couldn’t he just be honest enough to face me? To end our marriage himself? Was he waiting for me to do it? He didn’t want to talk to me, and he also didn’t want to be the one to let go?
For months, I’d waited for him. Karl surely must have mentioned how many times I’d come to his office. I was pretty sure Karl had told him. That’s why he’d avoided his office whenever I was there. I’d called him more than a hundred times since I decided to fix things between us. He made no effort to answer or to call back. He didn’t even remember me on my birthday. I’d called him. Because I was hoping he remembered and he could at least talk to me on that day. But he didn’t pick up before he finally turned off his phone.
Now, I saw that he was bringing another woman into our apartment.
But could I really blame him? After all I’d said to him? After I’d called him a monster? After I’d showed him I had no faith or trust in him? After I’d lost his baby? After I’d become useless as a woman? After he knew perfectly well that I couldn’t give him the heir that he desperately wanted and needed anymore?
Realization crept through me like an assassin seeing the opportune moment for the kill. I’d hurt Travis. I’d called him words that seemed unforgivable. I didn’t trust him, when that was all he had asked from me. He’d taken all his masks off and made himself vulnerable to me, thinking that I would believe in him more than anything else, but I failed him. I made him choose between saving my life and risking our baby’s. He lost his heir because my body was…sick. And now…I couldn’t even give him the one thing that could make him complete…and whole. The one thing that could save him…his own family, his own child.
How could he want me? He had no future with me. He’d spent more than half of his life doing what my brother asked him to do. He gave up his own happiness and his own life because his life was tied to mine. And I realized now…I couldn’t do that to him anymore. I loved him too much.
Maybe they were right. Sometimes, you can’t fix relationships. And the best option that you have…is to let go. Set the other person free, and let him find the happiness that he deserves.
Suddenly, my heart felt lighter and heavier at the same time. I was okay now. For months, I lived without the shadow of Travis. And I was fine. I was able to stand up on my own. My first art exhibition was successful. It raked in cash that would sustain me until my next show. It also generated a lot of publicity and profit for my mother’s gallery.
My health was restored. I had finished all my therapies, although the doctors still offered no guarantees of conception. My chances of conceiving still ranged from slim to none. Maybe that was the way it was supposed to be. Maybe the guy who was really meant for me was one who only needed a wife. Not a child.
Maybe I would find someone…maybe not. But whatever my fate became, I would not tie it to Travis’s. It was time he found his own and lived his life the way he wanted it. Not because of any promise he made to me or my brother. We were done manipulating his life and his choices now. This time…he should be free to choose on his own, and not even Tom would hold it against him, wherever he was.
I looked up at Eric. “I’m going home, Eric.”
He nodded. “You can go home or to Antarctica for all I care! You can go wherever you want, honey. Just get out of here!” he said, using the old term of endearment he used to use with me.
I told Eric that I would be fine traveling without him. In fact, I preferred to be alone. I didn’t go back to Connecticut. Instead, I decided to take the next flight to South Carolina.
One last time, I needed some clarity. I needed to let go of Travis…not physically. But in my heart. I needed to accept that it was over. I should be the one to let him go.
I realized I hadn’t slept in almost twenty-four hours. I couldn’t. My heart was so heavy. Funny, because it had broken into pieces. I barely had time to put my bags in my old room. I decided to take a walk.
The weather was bad and I had forgotten to bring a jacket. I walked the old streets I used to walk when I was younger. The streets I walked with Travis and Tom when I was barely a teenager…back when my family was whole and complete.
I caught a chill as the cold wind blew. The leaves and branches swayed in protest around me. There was a storm coming. It was only midday, and yet the clouds in the sky were heavy, making the whole surroundings very dark. As if it were twilight.
I loved Travis. This was probably the most difficult breakup that I would ever have to get through. It was especially hard because it was with him. Before, he was always there to help me get up…to hold me through the night as I cried my heart out. But now, I felt completely alone and broken.
I wanted to fix things between us. If we would end, I didn’t want us to end like this. But now, I realized maybe there was no hope. Even if we fixed things now, there was the fact that I’d lost our baby, and that I may not be able to give him an heir anymore. A slim chance was almost equivalent to not having a chance at all. And maybe Travis knew that, too. Maybe it was better that we set each other free. After all, he’d told me that I should find a man who wouldn’t care for a child…even if I did.
I didn’t know where my feet were taking me. I walked the streets without a destination in mind. I was just lost in my own thoughts, oblivious of the fact that I felt very cold, and I hadn’t slept properly in a while. I was unaware of the fatigue that was starting to envelop me.
I walked for a whole hour and then I realized where I was. Tombstones lay before me. I realized my feet had taken me to where my brother was.
I walked the rows of tombstones before I finally reached the end where my brother rested.
I stared at his name, carved on the stone.
Thomas Antoine Montgomery… Forever young…
Tears immediately rolled down my cheeks. I remembered staying here after the funeral. Long after everybody was gone. I was only a little girl, and I cried like a baby as I stared at my older brother’s tombstone, as if it were a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from.
It was raining that day, too. But I didn’t care that I was alone and that I would get wet. I kept crying, silently calling my brother’s name.
I remembered the arm that had wrapped around my shoulders then.
I looked up and saw Travis staring down at me, his eyes wet with tears, too, but he was trying his best to be strong. He hugged me to him.
“Ssshhh…” he’d said to me. “Everything’s going to be okay. I promise I will take care of you for as long as I live,” he said. Then he turned toward Tom’s grave. “I will protect her with my life, bro. You don’t have to worry. She will never be alone for as long as I am alive.”
I felt him kiss the top of my head. And that was the first time after Tom died that I’d actually felt a ray of hope.
And now, sixteen years later, I stood in front of Tom, crying the same way I’d cried that day, but this time, I was completely alone.
“Tom…” I whispered. “I hope you can hear me now,” I sobbed. “I want to let you know that I’m mad at you!”
I couldn’t stop sobbing like a little girl.
“Why did you have to leave me?” I asked. “You’re so unfair…when you left, Mom and Dad chose to mourn in their own worlds…I was left behind! I lost our whole family the day you left…and then…you asked Travis to take care of me. You…threw us together, Tom. For a long while, all we had was each other. Didn’t you know that we’re only human? That we could end up falling in love with each other? Was that part of your plan? Was that what you wanted? Were you happy when I married Travis? Were you happy when I fell madly in love with him? If you were, then your heart must be breaking, too…because mine has shattered into a million pieces…I lost my best friend, my guardian angel, my protector…the one guy who could make me complete…”
There was lightning followed by a loud bellow of thunder. I almost got scared. It was dark in the graveyard now. But I was too busy crying to be really afraid. I figured I couldn’t be in much worse shape than I was in now.
The rain poured, and it poured hard. I looked up at the heavens and thought, Thomas must be crying for me right now. As if he were answering my questions. His heart was broken, too.
“I need to release him from the things you made him promise before you died. I need to release him from any obligation, any tie that you bound him with,” I said in between tears. “He needs to live his own life, without tying his own fate to mine, Tom. We haven’t been fair to him. I’m not going to run after him anymore. I’m not going to chase him. I will set him free of the vows he made to me when we got married. I knew that he made those promises because it was his obligation to do so. But it’s not his obligation to keep me safe and happy anymore. I will set him free. And I’m not going to allow him to hurt me again, or to turn me way. He’s free of me from now on.”
The words I spoke hurt me physically. And now, more than ever, I wished there was someone here who would hold me and tell me that everything was going to be okay.
I don’t know how long I stood there under the rain. I was soaked and cold. I could feel the numbing of my fingers slowly. I was shivering, but still I refused to turn back home, to take cover. Tears were streaming down my cheeks, mixing with the drops of heavy rain.
Then suddenly, the world started spinning. If I’d cared, I would have panicked. I knew that fatigue had won this time. And then everything started to turn dark…darker than it already was…
***
I was walking back home after the rain. I felt warm already. My clothes were dry. I don’t know why, but I felt very comfortable.
Suddenly, I realized that I wasn’t alone. Somebody was walking beside me. He was just as tall as I was. He was not muscular. He was wearing our school jacket, his strawberry-blond hair almost covering his eyes. He looked at me, and I recognized those familiar gray eyes, which were so much like mine. He smiled at me.
Tears filled my eyes. It’d been so long since I last saw him.
“Tom…” I whispered.
He smiled at me. “Everything is going to be okay, Brianne.”
At that instant, I thought I’d died. Right there in the graveyard. I must have fainted there, and nobody found me. Or I must have hit my head.
“Are you taking me with you?” I asked Tom. And somehow I realized that wouldn’t be so bad.
He shook his head.
“I love you, Brianne,” he said to me. “I promise you, you will be happy for the rest of your life.”
And he started walking faster than me. I tried to keep up with him, but somehow his strides were always longer than mine and I couldn’t keep up.
“Tom, wait for me!”
He turned toward me again and shook his head. “I’m always waiting. But you’re going to live a long, happy life, Brianne.”
“No! I can’t be happy! You saw what happened to me! I will never be happy anymore!”
He just gave me a sly smile. Then he shook his head. “I promise you, you will be. Wake up now, Brianne. And send my love to Travis, too.”
“Tom!” I called. But somehow, I was frozen in place. I couldn’t move my feet. I watched Thomas walk farther and farther away from me.
“No, Tom! Don’t leave me!”
He turned one last time and gave me a grin and a salute, and then he faded into the light.
“Tom!” I screamed.
I blinked, and then suddenly everything around me changed. I was no longer in the street. I felt comfortably warm, and I was lying down on something soft, with my head resting on something firm, warm and…familiar.
I started to get up, but strong arms were wrapped around me, keeping me still, preventing me from pulling away.
“Sssshhh…” I heard a soft, soothing voice whisper against my ear.