I had my bachelorette party back home. Friends from college and from the dance club and a couple of my relatives were there. We had it at a little resort. Somebody actually rented a stripper.
I was extremely embarrassed when the stripper danced for me. I was pushing Sarah to take my seat at the center of the room.
“Come on, Brianne! You’re not getting any from your fiancé—why not just have no-strings-attached fun with that cutie?” Sarah asked.
“Because I don’t want my other cousins to think that I’m not faithful to Travis!” I argued. But honestly, had I only slept with two men in my life. One was my boyfriend of two years. And I was marrying the other one in a couple of days.
“For someone who’s not really in a relationship with your fiancé, you’re pretty damn loyal!”
“If you do this, I’ll do anything you want!” I begged her.
“Okay, fine! He’s cute anyway,” she said, making her way to the stripper.
We had too much to drink that night. We were laughing and goofing around. I’m pretty sure I passed out.
When I woke up, I was in a room that was quieter than the one I passed out in. I was lying comfortably in bed.
I saw Travis lying on the couch in one corner. He was sound asleep. I don’t know how it happened, but I found it endearing that he found me. The male stripper had been trying to flirt with me all night, and I had tried all means to get away from him.
“How did you find me?” I asked Travis during breakfast that morning. He had rented a room for us in the same hotel where I had my bachelorette party.
“Don’t you know me well by now?” he asked.
“Travis knows everything!” I teased.
He reached out for my hand. “I was just making sure nothing bad would happen to you.”
“With a bunch of silly girls?”
“Well, there was a man, wasn’t there?”
“Yeah. But I’m sure he’s harmless.”
There was a hard look on Travis’s face. Then he said, “When I knocked on the room around three in the morning, one of your cousins was appalled to see me. There were…some people having sex in the bedroom. She thought it was you…with the stripper,” Travis said uneasily. “I thought so, too, to be honest.”
I raised a brow. “Why did you think it was me?”
“Because you’re the bride,” he replied. “And easily the most attractive girl in the room. That guy must have been trying to hit on you all night.”
I giggled. “He was. But I begged Sarah to take my place.”
He narrowed his eyes. “Really? Did he look like an ogre?”
“Completely the opposite.”
“Then why didn’t you…” He shrugged and chose not to continue his sentence.
“Maybe I don’t do that just for the fun of it…or just because there’s an occasion that calls for it, no matter how once-in-a-lifetime it seems,” I said in an irritated tone.
What a weird thing for your fiancé to ask you. That actually made me remember that this marriage between Travis and me was really just an arrangement…to save me from shame. Nothing more.
For months, I was floating on air, finding comfort and happiness in the change in our relationship. I thought even though he didn’t say it, he somehow felt that we…belonged together. That he was as comfortable as I was with our new setup…the new course our relationship was taking.
But I was wrong. No matter how affectionate we had gotten, it didn’t change the way we really were. He didn’t think I belonged to him. I should feel the same.
I felt a sharp pain in my heart, which made me angrier at myself. I can’t…won’t…feel this way about Travis. I trusted him with my life. But I didn’t think I could trust him with my heart. He was saving me until I found the man of my dreams. It would be too much for me to start asking him to be that man.
I took a sip of my coffee and stood up from the table. “I better take a shower,” I said. “Thanks for breakfast.”
I took my time inside the bath. I was in the tub, staring at the pristine white tiles in front of me. I couldn’t understand why, but I felt really disappointed and…sad.
I didn’t speak much with Travis afterward. He knew he’d offended me. He read me like a book. But he didn’t say sorry, didn’t try to console me. He was looking at me wearily, but he didn’t attempt to apologize. When he dropped me off at the hotel where our wedding was going to be held, he didn’t even kiss my cheek or squeeze my hand.
“See you,” I whispered.
He stared at me for a while, and then he nodded and left.
Now he’s just being weird! It was not fair that he could read me like a book, but I couldn’t even decipher his thoughts. This mind-reading thing should work both ways!
The next night, it was his turn to have a stag party. A part of me was worried, but I tried my best to shake off that feeling.
Travis had every right to have fun tonight. This night was no different from any other night. If he was allowed to sleep with any woman while married to me, he was definitely allowed to sleep with the stripper at his stag party.
There was a knock at my door. I opened it, and Sarah walked in. We rented rooms in the hotel. My bridesmaids and some friends occupied my floor, and all the groomsmen and some of Travis’s acquaintances occupied a whole floor in the other wing of the hotel. We decided to arrive three days before the wedding to ensure that everything went according to plan.
“You busy?” Sarah asked.
“Yes,” I muttered. “I’m actually going to Mars. My spaceship leaves in ten minutes.”
Sarah raised a brow. “Ha-ha! You’re very funny,” she said sarcastically. “Seriously? You have plans?”
“Yeah. I plan to pop a sleeping pill and doze off to Neverland as early as eight.” The minute that was out of my mouth, I realized it wasn’t such a bad idea. I didn’t like feeling the way I did.
For months, I’d slept in the same room as Travis, and I was getting perplexed now that I didn’t even know where he was.
“You’re agitated!” Sarah said accusingly. “You’re worried he’ll sleep with the stripper, aren’t you?”
“Of course not! He can do that if he wants to!”
Sarah laughed. “Wow! The contrast between your words and your tone is very convincing!”
From the beginning, Travis had made it clear that he’d be nothing more than a groom who would meet me at the altar. Other than that, we were free to see other people. I was free to find my Mr. Right, and he was free to sleep with whomever he wanted.
But I couldn’t seem to shake off that feeling. Yesterday, Travis and I had this silent argument about the stripper at my bridal shower. He really thought I would sleep with the guy. Well, I was not like him! I didn’t sleep with just anybody!
I shouldn’t feel like this, I thought. I cannot drive myself crazy with the thought of him having sex with another woman. Nothing can happen between us. I gave him full permission to have his needs fulfilled elsewhere.
Although, I couldn’t help but wonder why I had hoped that the changes in our relationship somehow meant something to him. That the new bond we had formed as an engaged couple would matter more to him than a few seconds of ecstasy with another woman.
“Come on! Get dressed and let’s go down to the bar,” Sarah said. Because I didn’t want to drive myself crazy anymore, I decided having drinks with Sarah was a better idea.
Three hours later, I couldn’t remember why I wanted to drink myself to oblivion at all. In fact, I think my subconscious fully took over. I was drinking too much alcohol and laughing so much with Sarah. I don’t know how long we stayed at the bar. I remember Sarah flirting with the bartender. I was just laughing my heart out as if everything around me was a joke.
I must have passed out at one point. I dreamt, I felt. I laughed and didn’t care about anything else. Then, I dreamt about Travis. I remembered his arms around me…touching me, kissing me.
“Travis…” I whispered as I hugged him to me. He didn’t speak. He kept kissing me. I remembered being afraid and excited at the same time.
“Don’t look…just feel…”
It was fifteen years ago. But I went back to that night…in my dreams. I exploded in a million different colors and a mix of emotions. I remembered him the way he touched me. How could one touch undo me like that? How could a few moments with him make me want to explode? It’d been years…but still, nobody had touched me the way Travis touched me that night. Nobody even came close!
“Travis!” I screamed his name as I reached my peak. I clung to his body, and he held me against him, catching me.
When it was over, I remembered him walking away, tearing my heart into a million pieces. I needed to be safe from him, he said. But I could never be safe with anybody else…only with him!
The door closed behind him and I was left alone in the cold bed, with only the pillows to hug to myself.
Suddenly, I woke up. It was still dark in the room, and I had a very bad headache. I was panting and my heart was pounding wildly. The memories of my dream came back to me.
Travis. I dreamt that he shared the bed with me. He unnerved me…made me feel every bit wanted, every bit loved…every bit a woman. I turned to the other side of the bed. It was cold and empty.
I’d had the most vivid dream. It was like I could still feel Travis inside me, even though I knew it had been more than a decade earlier. That dream…was one dream I didn’t want to wake up from.
How could I remember that night as if it was only yesterday?
I was marrying Travis in less than twenty-four hours. It was wrong to expect more from him…he’d already given me so much.
I’d had too much to drink. I didn’t even remember parting with Sarah or going back to my room. I must have stripped all the way from the door to the bed and just dozed off.
I put on a robe and gathered my clothes from the floor, and then I took a shower. I met Sarah for breakfast. I was still a little dizzy.
“What happened last night?” we asked at the same time.
We laughed. “Wow! I’m never gonna drink that much again!” I said.
“Well, you were trying your best not to think about Travis’s stag party.”
There was that pinch in my heart again.
Where was Travis? Since the day before when he thought I would sleep with the stripper, I hadn’t really spoken to him. I’d been mad at him for thinking I would sleep with just anybody. But I guessed that’s what he wanted to do. So I didn’t have to ask where he was. He was supposed to have a separate bedroom in the hotel. I wouldn’t barge in there! I was almost sure he was there with one, maybe even more than one, woman.
Sarah ordered coffee for us.
“How much did we drink last night?” I asked, laughing.
“I’m not sure!” Sarah replied. She squeezed her temples with her fingers. “But I’m guessing it was a lot! I don’t remember how I got back to my room!”
“Me, neither! I remember laughing a lot, though!”
“I remember flirting with the bartender!”
“Maybe he took you back?” I teased.
“I wouldn’t have minded that!” she laughed.
“Didn’t you…spend my bachelorette night with the stripper? What happened to that?”
She laughed. “Nothing,” she said. “It was one night of fun!”
I narrowed my eyes. “It…didn’t mean anything to you?”
She shook her head. “Men can’t be the only one enjoying these…one-night-stand things!” She stared back at me. “Don’t tell me you haven’t had a one night stand?”
“Well, when I was younger, I did spend the night with a friend. But we both decided it was just…sex, nothing more, and we won’t do it or speak of it again. Does that count?”
“Yeah, that will do.”
But Sarah didn’t know that that night did mean something to me. It was the best night of my life. Nothing had come close. And until I found the guy I would really spend the rest of my life with, I doubted another night would.
***
The night before my wedding, I had dinner with my family and friends. Travis wasn’t there. We weren’t allowed to see each other twenty-four hours before the wedding. My family was quite the superstitious type. They still follow this old tradition.
Well, I’m sure there are plenty of things he can do with his time! I thought angrily. He was probably still locked up in his room with that stripper they gave him for his stag party!
I sighed. What is happening to me? How can I start believing in this marriage? When did I start thinking that Travis was really mine?
Travis’s mother came up to me after dinner. She smiled at me and gave me a hug.
“Take care of him,” she whispered to me. “Travis has always had a soft spot for you. If there’s anybody who can control him, it’s you.” She had tears in her eyes as she gazed at me. “I hope Travis will be happier with you than he ever was with us. I hope that now, he finally finds the family that he truly belongs to. He’ll be a good husband and a great father. Thank you for giving him a chance at that life.”
I felt guilty. Nobody, except for Sarah, knew that I was marrying Travis because I didn’t have a choice at the moment. Everybody else thought we were really in love.
“Hello, gorgeous,” Eric greeted me from behind.
I beamed at him and gave him a hug. “I’m so glad you made it!”
“I wouldn’t miss this for the world!”
“When did you arrive?”
“Last night. In time for Travis’s bachelor’s party,” he replied.
“You were there?”
“Travis didn’t have many friends,” he laughed. “But it wasn’t much of a party anyway.”
“Why?”
“Well, it was just drinking, playing pool, and then when the girls came out, even Travis’s college friends couldn’t push them to him. He seemed to be in a foul mood and acted as if he couldn’t wait for it to be over. He played pool and told his college buddies to f off whenever they tried to introduce a girl to him.”
“Wasn’t there a stripper in a cake?”
“Well, there was. But actually, she danced for almost all of us…except for the groom, who gave her a scowl as she approached him. Travis can be very scary when he wants to. I thought the poor girl was going to cry.” Eric laughed. “And he left earlier than any of us.”
“He left?”
Eric nodded. “Don’t worry. I know he left alone.”
A part of me was glad because all my worries about Travis sleeping with the stripper were nothing. Then, a part of me was again bothered because I hadn’t seen him in two days. Though he wasn’t with the stripper, it could still mean he was with someone else. Maybe a past fling, a former mistress.
But what right did I have to complain, really? It wasn’t right that I’d asked Travis to give me at least two years of his life and demand that he give up other women.
That night, just before I went to sleep, I heard somebody knocking on my door.
“Who is it?” I asked.
“It’s me,” Travis said on the other side of the door.
My heart pounded in my ribcage. What could he be doing here? He was gone for two days, and he appeared just when we weren’t allowed to see each other anymore!
Did he come to call off the wedding? What would I do if he refused to marry me now?
My hands were shaking when I opened the door slightly. I stood behind it, refusing to show myself to him.
“You know we’re forbidden to see each other,” I said nervously.
“I know,” he said. “But I can’t resist.”
“Travis, we both know that’s not true!” I said.
But sometimes, I had this unfamiliar feeling that wished that was true…that Travis was a normal groom, excited to see his bride at the altar…that he felt a tiny inch of excitement over this wedding…because sometimes, I did. I felt ecstatic about the wedding and nervous that Travis didn’t feel the same.
And now that Travis was coming to me on the eve of our wedding, when he wasn’t supposed to, scared me.
Oh my God, he’s really going to call it off!
“Travis…what do you want?” I asked.
He heard him sigh. “I need to see you.”
“Why?”
He didn’t reply.
“Travis…we’re not allowed to see each other. Unless…you came here to…call it off?” My voice was weak and weary.
“What?” he asked sharply.
“I…was thinking you wanted to call the whole thing off at the last minute. I can’t think of any other reason why you would want to see me now.”
I heard his sharp intake of breath, and then suddenly I saw him reach out for the key card inserted in the room’s main switch. I had already turned off the lamps in preparation for sleep but had left the main light on when Travis knocked on my door. But now Travis had switched off all lights, and suddenly, the room was enveloped in darkness, illuminated only by the moonlight coming from the balcony.
I felt a push on the door, and then suddenly, a figure was standing in front of me. I stared up at his silhouette. Even in the dark, I could make out the contours of Travis’s handsome face. I could tell there was a glitter in his eye as he stared down at me.
“I didn’t come here to call off the wedding,” he said. “Didn’t even cross my mind.”
Relief washed over me.
“Then what are you doing here?” I asked.
“I…” He trailed off. Then he took a deep breath. “I wanted to…make sure you’re prepared for tomorrow’s…kiss.”
“What?” It was the last thing I expected him to say. I think he was lost for words, too. Like he wanted to tell me something but had decided not to.
“I will kiss you…thoroughly, as that is expected of me. After the ceremony and during the reception,” he said. “I don’t want you to think I’m taking advantage. I just want to make sure you know.”
I giggled. “I know that. The wedding is real. You didn’t have to ask, Travis.”
He was silent. When I stared up at him, I realized that he was staring intently at me in the dark. My heart suddenly stopped beating. I felt his breath on my lips. Then he whispered, “Then I’m not going to ask now.” And I felt his lips on mine.
The kiss was gentle at first. And then his arms came around my waist and he kissed me…thoroughly, desperately, as if he was trying to tell me something that he could not put into words. I wound my arms around his neck and kissed him back. I savored that moment. It was like in my dream that night…it felt wonderful…it felt real.
When the kiss was over, he took a deep breath. “Like that,” he whispered. “Tomorrow, expect that I’m going to kiss you exactly like that.”
I giggled nervously. “I won’t be surprised, then.”
He pulled away from me. “Goodnight, Brianne. I can’t wait to meet you at the altar tomorrow.”
I wanted to cry when I heard that. Suddenly, I realized I wanted it to be true!