In the mornings, I made sure I was up to make coffee for Travis before he left for work. I did his tie and helped him put on his suit.
He smiled at me. “You’ll do a good job at being Mrs. Cross,” he teased. “I’m beginning to get used to this.”
I laughed. “And who said you were difficult to live with?”
Travis rarely came home at eleven in the evenings anymore. Most of the time, it was earlier than that, and we had dinner together.
One night, he came home late and I had fallen asleep on the living room couch waiting for him. When I woke up again, I was already back in the bed with Travis snoring quietly on the couch.
I had a chat on the phone with Karl one Friday night. He warned me that Travis was in a foul mood. He’d had a meeting with his father, and it didn’t go well.
“Like how bad?”
“Really bad. Travis was pushing his father to the wall, making him realize that he didn’t have any other choice but to sell. When the older Mr. Cross realized he was losing more and more to his son each day, he tried different tactics.”
“What tactics?”
“Since he couldn’t win with Travis arguing about business, he decided to throw a few insults on the table,” Karl replied. “He called him insulting names. This way, he knew Travis would never fight back. The guy still has some respect for his old man. I salute him. Anyway, just to give you fair warning if he comes home cranky! He has a dinner meeting with one of our shareholders so he’ll be home late. You may want to be asleep already when he comes home. We stay out of his way when he’s on the warpath. I wonder what you do.”
“Thanks, Karl. I’m sure I can handle that.”
I waited for Travis that night. I was in the bedroom when he arrived at ten. He gave me a smile that didn’t reach his eyes and didn’t say anything. He went to take a shower.
I was sitting on the bed when he came out of the bathroom wearing only a pair of boxers. He sat on the couch without a word. He looked lost in his thoughts.
I climbed out of bed and approached him. He gave me one hard look, when I looked down at him. Somehow, I could see his soul through his eyes. He was filled with anger and pain—feelings he was struggling to hide. He took a deep breath and then he wound one arm around my waist, pulling me to him. He rested his cheek against my belly, his arms tight around me. I hugged his head to me. I realized that he was in tears. But he was quiet. He didn’t let out a whimper or utter a word. I continued caressing the back of his neck gently, letting him know that somehow, I heard the words he couldn’t say.
We stayed like that for about fifteen minutes. Then I gently pushed him back to the couch and he pulled me with him. I sat on his lap and rested my head against his shoulder as he continued holding me.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked quietly.
“No,” he whispered. “But I would like you to stay with me for a while.”
I nodded. I circled an arm around his waist and hugged him, too. We stayed on the couch quietly. After a while, I must have fallen asleep. When I woke up, I was locked in Travis’s arms. We’d both fallen asleep.
I felt Travis’s arms on me tighten. He gently caressed my arm. I looked up at him. He was awake, too.
I leaned up and kissed his jaw. He caressed the top of my head and continued holding me.
“I know it’s your father,” I whispered and he sucked in a deep breath. “You don’t have to be affected by him so much.”
“For someone who’s family, you’d actually expect the man to behave better.”
“Why do you hate each other so much? I’ve been asking you that question for years. You never told me. Maybe I can understand your pain better if you tell me.” I propped up on one elbow so I could look into his eyes.
He sucked in a deep breath and then he said, “My father is a soulless man. He beat up my mother. There were times he even…” He took a deep breath. “He even raped her.” I watched Travis struggle to remember the painful memories. I rested back on the couch, against his shoulder, to make it easier for him to tell the story. I caressed his arm to provide whatever form of comfort I could. “He beat me, too. When he got drunk, he’d lock me up in closets, hit me in the head. He almost drowned me in the tub when I was nine.” I was appalled, but I refused to let a whimper escape me. Travis didn’t need that.
“He and my mother didn’t really want a child. They didn’t want the responsibility. When my mother decided she’d had enough, she just moved out of the house…she didn’t consider me in the equation. When I was in high school, I started excelling in sports and academics. That’s when my father realized that I was smart. He started taking interest in me. I was going to be a trophy that he could be proud of. But I had a rough childhood. My father had at least three mistresses.” He took a deep breath.
“He saw women as toys that he could play with. At an early age, I was exposed to loose, gold-digging women.” He paused for a while. Then he continued, “My father’s birthday gift to me when I was twelve was a woman twice my age. I was young, Brianne!” he said in a rough voice. “I was innocent. I felt…” He trailed off. “Molested! I lost my virginity to one of the women my father picked up somewhere. How twisted is that?!” He took a deep breath and for a while, I thought he was struggling to continue. I reached out for his hand and squeezed it to make him understand that it was okay. He could tell me his secrets. He was not alone.
He kissed the top of my head, and then he took a deep breath before he continued his story. “From then on, I felt ashamed of my family. I think I disowned them a long time ago. That’s why I ran away from him whenever he’d come home. I’d sleep at your house. There were times when his bodyguards found me. They would force me to go home. They’d tie me up and carry me to my dad. And I would receive a good beating afterward.”
I propped up on my elbow again. I stared into Travis’s eyes. He was crying. I realized then just how torn and broken he really was. And I felt for the boy he used to be. The mischievous kid I used to hate when I was younger. Underneath the strong, naughty façade was a scared little boy…abandoned and abused.
“I was alone from the time I was ten. Then I had your family,” he said. “Before Thomas died, you were all I had. He knew everything. He didn’t tell you. I asked him not to. I was afraid my father would abuse me and my mother more if anybody knew. And I was afraid of what my father would do to your family, too.
“When I was a teenager, I was a mischievous daredevil. But can you blame me? I got the concept of right and wrong from a few maids, butlers, nannies, and mostly the television. I started taking care of myself. I started choosing what I wanted to learn in life. I was racing even before I got my driver’s license.” He sucked in a deep breath and fell silent for a while.
I stared up at him. He gave me one hard look. I saw guilt, remorse, and hatred cross his face all at the same time. Then he said in a broken voice, “You’re going to hate me for this, Brianne.” I didn’t understand what he meant, but I dared not interrupt him. “That day…I got into a challenge with a bunch of kids. The bet was high. My Porsche. Tom warned me not to mind the kids from the other town. They were a bunch of lawless imbeciles. But I was too full of my own ego. I agreed to the bet—to race.
“The night before, I had an argument with my father. It was those times that I was already rebelling against him. I told him I had an important thing to go to. He didn’t listen. He had his bodyguards kidnap me, tie me up, and lock me in my room. I wasn’t able to make it to the race. But Tom was driving my car then. He waited for me to come. But I never showed up. I would forfeit my car…or my life if I didn’t show up. Between Tom and me, I was the racer, the better driver. But Tom stood in for me…so I wouldn’t lose my Porsche or risk being beaten to death by those guys. But damn! I would have given them all my cars…if I had known what was going to happen.” Tears rolled down from his eyes.
My heart pounded inside my chest and I was confronted by a mixture of emotions. “Tom…took your place. He raced for you.”
Travis closed his eyes. More tears rolled down his cheeks. “He died…I lived.”
I couldn’t understand the pain I felt. I cried once again for the brother I had lost. The sweet, happy-go-lucky, standup, responsible kid who was trying to look out for both Travis and me.
Travis crushed me into his arms. “I’m so sorry, Brianne,” he whispered. This time, I couldn’t control the tears that rolled down my cheeks. “Tom asked me not to tell you what really happened that night. But I can’t lie to you anymore. I can’t let Tom shield the truth from you just so you would think better of me. You see, Brianne, I’m not a good person! I’m the reason why you lost your brother. I caused you all this pain, this misery. You lost your family because of me. You’re alone because of me!
“Tom always sacrificed himself for the things he held dear. He would do anything for the people he loved,” Travis said remorsefully. “I wish I hadn’t been one of them! Because if I hadn’t…then he would still be alive!”
Travis looked at me, shame and regret evident on his face. His expression was pleading, as if he were asking for my forgiveness. “I’m sorry, Brianne! I was the reason Tom was taken from you. And I will never forgive myself for that! I will never forgive my father for that night! If he…had been a good father…if he had learned how to listen to me…if he had just given me another punishment, like…grounding me or taking away my luxuries…I would still have found a way to make it that night. I would have saved Tom.”
I could see Travis’s guilt, his pain. He had carried this secret all these years. Every time he looked at me…he felt tormented for causing my brother’s death.
My heart broke for him. It wasn’t his fault. It was an accident. It must have killed him to carry this burden for almost half of his life.
I leaned forward and hugged him. To assure him that I didn’t blame him…that I wasn’t mad at him. “But, Travis…it could have been you, too!”
“That would have been better. I was meaningless compared to your brother! He had so much going for him. I didn’t mean anything to anybody. The pain wouldn’t have been much if I died and he lived!”
I pulled away from him. Now I was mad. “Don’t say that! You meant something to us!” I said to him angrily. “And you mean the world to me now!”
I wanted to slap him in the face for thinking so lowly of himself. For thinking that nobody would care or cry if he died.
He hugged me to him again. “Sshhh…”
I couldn’t stop crying now. I didn’t…and wouldn’t…hold my brother’s death against Travis. It wasn’t his fault. But I couldn’t help getting mad at him for thinking nobody in this world would mourn for his death…that he didn’t make a difference in anybody’s life…especially in mine. Because I could never imagine my life without Travis, in the past, and now in the future.
“You always underestimate us, Travis! You underestimate the care and the love that the people around you have for you. Even now. You still think you are alone. You still think nobody cares for you. Nobody loves you.” I whimpered against his chest. “Tom would have been devastated if you died in that race! I wouldn’t be where I am now if you weren’t with me all these years,” I whimpered. He didn’t say anything.
“You’re so focused on the love that was not given to you by your parents…you fail to notice the love and respect that are being given to you by the other people around you. Tom would have felt the same way you did! He would have wanted you to live! I won’t blame you for his death. It was his time. And maybe he chose to go. To give you a chance to find the love you deserve. So you could build a family of your own and make it so much different from what your parents built for you.” I took a deep breath.
“You’ve become cold and ruthless! But I know you’re not like that inside. You hide so much of your emotions. There’s nothing wrong with risking it, Travis. You showed Tom love, and you never regretted it when he was gone. Because you’ve done your part. Because ‘til the end, you were brothers! But now, you refuse to open up yourself and love another. You’re becoming the same person that you hate the most—your father!” I propped up on my elbow and stared at him again. “You’re better than that, Travis. I know you are. I believe you are.”
I took a deep breath. “You’re a smart man. People respect you for that. You don’t have to be an asshole all the time. You make people’s lives difficult, and I know you’re doing that on purpose! Because you refuse to show any sign of weakness. Being thoughtful, considerate, and sweet doesn’t make you less of a man, Travis.
“You have to risk your heart. Because someday, these people will not be around you anymore. But at least, you won’t regret making them a part of your world. You don’t have to live alone all the time. Because if you just open your eyes…you’ll know that you’re not. There are a lot of people in your world who care about you.”
He stared at me for a moment and then touched my cheek with his palm. “Will you stay with me for a long time?”
I smiled gently. “You know I will.” And I meant that. I realized I hadn’t really understood Travis that much…until now. He had been deeply hurt when he was a boy. He was a victim of pain and neglect. The first person who really cared about him was taken away from him. From then, it was easy to distant himself…so he wouldn’t feel any more pain. So he wouldn’t feel abandoned again. And I couldn’t blame him for feeling that much anger with his father. Anybody would feel the same. I would break if that ever happened to me.
Travis took a deep breath. “I was…afraid to need you, Brianne,” he said. “But God knows I do!” He crushed me into his arms once again.
I smiled. It was probably the first time that I could do something for Travis. For years, it had always been the other way around. He had always been there for me. I rarely ever did anything for him.
“I’m here for you, Travis.” I reached up and leaned my forehead against his. “Don’t ever push me away.”
He chuckled humorlessly. “I’m going to marry you, Brianne. You got me tied down, how could I push you away?”
I glared at him. “You know very well that’s not what I meant.”
He stared at me deeply. “Do you really think you can save me?” he asked softly.
I smiled slowly. “I can. I will.” I leaned forward and gave him another kiss on the jaw. Then I rested my head on his shoulder again.
He held me against him tightly. We lay there for a while, lost in our own thoughts, and yet savoring each other’s warmth, knowing that the bond we shared had just become stronger than ever. I understood him better. And now he knew he could trust me to stand beside him, the way that he had always stood beside me.
I heard him suck in a deep breath. “I could get used to this, you know.”
“What?”
“This…easy, comforting conversation,” he whispered. “This…marriage.”
“It couldn’t be that bad,” I said.
He shook his head. Then he kissed the top of my head. “No. It’s not bad at all.” He reached for my hand and brought it to his lips. He kissed my fingers. “Goodnight, Brianne.”
I took a deep breath. “Goodnight, Travis.”
And we fell asleep in each other’s arms on the couch.